redditchlady Posted August 21, 2006 Report Share Posted August 21, 2006 Hell, how on earth could someone be so callous. How could anyone deserve that. At least you are out of the relationship now. It's probably the only thing he knows will hurt you now. Kazz xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EGAR Posted August 21, 2006 Report Share Posted August 21, 2006 Rural Ireland is still a hotspot for domestic abuse (to which, no doubt, the Irish Disease contributes greatly). It is accepted with a shrug and a *ah, what can you do* attitude. I have never been married but my partner who is Irish, has a very bad temper which he takes out in inanimate things (usually tools ). His mother had been battered by his (now dead) father and although he has inherited the famous temper, he has learnt to deal with it and NOT to lash out because he witnessed his father doing it. On the other hand, in my family it was the other way around, my mother has a vicious temper and let it out on her kids and her husband. My father was a TREE of a man and not many men would take him on in his younger days. Yet, he cowered in front of my mother and *took his punishment*, just like the rest of us. He stayed with her until his death 10 years ago. It isn't just the direct victims, it's the witnesses, ie kids in most cases, as well . Sarah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted August 21, 2006 Report Share Posted August 21, 2006 After I posted my self-pitying ramblings earlier I went in to try to edit it away cos I felt a bit embarrassed but it wouldnt let me...said I didnt have authority to edit it Katie, you can edit your own posts for about 15 minutes after you post I have PMd you - if there's something you want removed from this thread, please let one of the mods know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscarsmum Posted August 21, 2006 Report Share Posted August 21, 2006 I don't really know what to say, but have to say something ..... Firstly, my heart truly goes out to all those who have suffered or are still suffering at the hands of evil abusers. Be it mental, physical, whatever, no human (or animal) deserves to have to live like this. These posts here have really opened my eyes. There are some real horror stories I suppose I'm naive and as its never happened to me or anyone close to me (that I know), I've not really thought properly about it before. I'm glad my awareness has been raised. All I can say to those who have "got out" is well done for having the strength and courage, it must have taken real guts..... and to those still suffering, you can make the break and your life will improve. It must be so hard, but you can do it. Please, plan, talk to people. Please don't be embarrased. The ones who should be embarrassed are the spineless bullies. To the outside world, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and abuse can be a taboo subject, but please remember that you are worth much, much more. There are good people in the world, not all relationships have to be like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katie deans Posted August 21, 2006 Report Share Posted August 21, 2006 Katie, you can edit your own posts for about 15 minutes after you post I have PMd you - if there's something you want removed from this thread, please let one of the mods know Thanks Ange Ive PMd you back tbh the replies have been really kind and I dont feel quite as stoooopid now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruthi (borrowadog) Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 I'm so glad this thread is still here. Somehow I lost it for a while. When I've been feeling low over the last six months or so (since I first read it and saw the light!) I have come back to it. I've found inspiration, affirmation and unconditional love from strangers and I thank you all. I know that I am lucky to have woken up, and found the strength to get out, so quickly. Its been hard, and in some ways it is much harder once you are out and fighting all the other battles as well. But I have come to realise that I (and all of us) have no choice. Its fight or die. If I give up a part of my soul then I have lost, so I have to fight him all the way, more or less regardless of the material costs. I have come to realise just how bad a state I was in with Bruce. My GP practically dances a jig every time I go to see her. She tells me that she could see that I was completely stuck, and nothing seemed to make any difference. I was on ever increasing doses of fairly hard core anti-depressants, but although they dulled the pain somewhat, they didn't cure me. In retrospect I was probably fairly near a full breakdown and might well have become suicidal. Given that I don't generally do things by halves, that is a pretty frightening thought. But I am out. I have retrieved my heart, my soul, my courage and my integrity. They are a bit battered, bruises and scratches of the sort that will not heal properly, but they still function and they are all mine. And you know what they say - scar tissue is stronger than the surrounding flesh or bone. Sam, Ash is the wonderful young woman she is because of you and Mark. We haven't met - yet - but I have admired your huge integrity and generosity of spirit via the boards for a long time. You have every right to be proud of her, but don't underestimate your input. By being the brave, and honest people you are, you have enabled her to choose the right path for herself. By having the courage to trust her to choose, you have given her the courage to do the right thing. Its 1.30 - I woke an hour ago in a sweat over some of Bloody Bruce's antics, and the death of an innocent pupply in Ireland - and I think I may be turning maudlin! But while I am I just want to salute all you brave survivors, and my fellow escapees who haven't quite yet freed themselves. It may be that we have to pay the price in pain and pounds for our growing strength. But the price is always worth paying, always. And to you who are reading this and haven't yet had the courage to break out I look forward to the day when you do. Ignore our horror stories - its hard but very uplifting to find that so many others have been there (a quarter of the women where I work have similar stories to tell). There is no point in beating yourself up (someone else will do that for you after all) just know that every one of the people with stories to tell will have gone through that stage too. We either denied that there was anything wrong, and/or didn't believe that we were good/strong/brave/worthy enough to be able to get out. You will, and when you do you'll find the fellowship of all the other escapees. Never in my life have I encountered as much kindness and care as I have in these few months. Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allie No Dots Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 (edited) Thanks Ange Ive PMd you back tbh the replies have been really kind and I dont feel quite as stoooopid now whats stupid about saying how things are ? Stupid is going into RMF and saying "i just stuck my arm in a tank of well signposted man eating pirannas and am now typing one handed " Edited August 22, 2006 by allie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wiccaweys Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 Its 1.30 - I woke an hour ago in a sweat over some of Bloody Bruce's antics, and the death of an innocent pupply in Ireland - and I think I may be turning maudlin! Ruth My very first boyfriend was a controlling bully - spiteful too. He liked to bruise me. I knew he was a tosser, but I was young, he was my first boyfriend. After about 2 years, one evening he turned up. I'd had quite a lot of bruises and he'd been particularly cruel to me in public recently when out with friends. He turned up with a split lip and a black eye. He wouldn't tell me what had happened, but he never physically hurt me again, but kept up the verbal stuff. A couple of months later, I saw him for what he was and left him. I stayed in touch with some of the old crowd - they were his friends rather than mine, he'd stopped me seeing my friends a long while ago. Eventually I found out what had happened. His mates had been watching him with me, they'd been registering the bruises - and eventually they took him to one side and had a full and frank exchange of views with him. The upshot was if he ever hurt me again, they would hurt him twice as bad. Bless them. My first husband use to beat me. It crept into the relationship. His father was a notorious wife beater and drunkard, separated from his mother - but she used to take him back every so often and then he would leave again. He was living with another woman at the time, so he used to go to the mother when she kicked him out and visa-versa. My ex swore until he was blue in the face he would never raise a hand to me, he'd seen it all his life - yadda, yadda, yadda. One night we got a phonecall from his mother, screaming and shouting down the phone. His dad was up to his old tricks. We went round. The boys tried to sort him out, but he was being a completely s*** - fists flying everywhere, his mother was on her knees battered, bruised and bleeding. He wasn't calming down, he had not intention of leaving - he took a swing at me. That was it, I phoned the police. They came. The family started to close ranks. I didn't. He was arrested and taken away. I sorted out his mother and she thanked me. The next morning his father was out, his mother wouldn't press charges, and the family turned against me. That's when it started with my ex. Little things at first, nit-picking, bickering - then the tight arm holding while yelling at me. Eventually slaps, punches, kicks. He left me alone on the floor when I suffered a miscarrige, sat on the bed and watch tv, ignoring what was happening. I crawled out of the house and drove myself to hospital. One night he beat me so bad, he kicked me so hard in the back I could hardly move. I managed to get out of the house and run in my nightshirt to my friends down the road. I hammered on her door in the early hours and she took me in. The next morning I couldn't move. He came, sweetness and light, and fetched me home. I couldn't walk for 3 weeks - and to this day my back is completely f*cked up. He swore it wouldn't happen again - yadda, yadda, yadda And it didn't for a while....... but eventually - they just can't help themselves. He tried again, but this time I'd had enough. I fought back. I hit him hard over the head with the nearest thing, which was a frying pan - when he collapsed on the floor on his knees, I held a knife against his throat. Funnily enough he agreed that it would be better for him to leave. I escorted him from the house at knife point. The next day he came round pleading. I told him it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him to stay away from me. He cried and created, but it was done with. He left me alone. I sorted my stuff out, and a few weeks later took my dog Holly and left. I didn't want to stay in the house - too many bad memories - he could have it. Holly & I got our own place and we lived our lives. I have absolutely no fear of any abusive man anymore. They are snivelling little cowards. I learnt how to look after myself - and I do. I thank the stars for being luckily enough, and blessed enough, to meet my Paul. He is gentle, loving, patient and understanding and those are the qualities of a true man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 What was odd was that I always thought I'd asked for it with my big gob (which I did to be fair) Thanks Baz. No you didn't Baz sounds like an absolute star, so glad you two found each other again, it is indeed meant to be Its nice to know that you are there...I normally manage to keep things in check pretty well but its been a really crap few weeks. It was my littlee boy Jareds 5th birthday last Tuesday but hes not here cos he was stillborn full term...his loss doesnt rule my life cos things have to go on for my other 2 kids but I do think about him a lot and it really hurts on special days cos theres a big hole there. What really gets me is that my lovely ex rang up the night before being really nice and I stupidly ended up sucked in by him and even cried while he was on the phone...then a few days later I got the papers about the custody hearing and he hadnt even told me he was gonna file them. By the way...when it suits him he uses having a dead child as a sympathy winner yet about 8 months ago he said to me "no wonder you had a dead child its what you deserve" Really sorry can't imagine how horrendous that must have been. So glad you are away from him, he sounds like a monster. But while I am I just want to salute all you brave survivors, and my fellow escapees who haven't quite yet freed themselves. It may be that we have to pay the price in pain and pounds for our growing strength. But the price is always worth paying, always. And to you who are reading this and haven't yet had the courage to break out I look forward to the day when you do. Ignore our horror stories - its hard but very uplifting to find that so many others have been there (a quarter of the women where I work have similar stories to tell). There is no point in beating yourself up (someone else will do that for you after all) just know that every one of the people with stories to tell will have gone through that stage too. We either denied that there was anything wrong, and/or didn't believe that we were good/strong/brave/worthy enough to be able to get out. You will, and when you do you'll find the fellowship of all the other escapees. Never in my life have I encountered as much kindness and care as I have in these few months. I admire you so much Ruth, think you have immense courage to get out and I am so glad you have done whats stupid about saying how things are ? Stupid is going into RMF and saying "i just stuck my arm in a tank of well signposted man eating pirannas and am now typing one handed " Thats true, it is daft doing that Sarah .... don't know what to say .... I think you are one in a million and I will always admire you and defend you, I am so glad you met Paul, he is an absolute star :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimbas_mum Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 You are all truly inspirational to me. Thankfully I have never had to deal with anything like this, although a close friend of mine has and thankfully she too managed to get out. She came and lived with me for a while until she felt able to go it on her own again. The offer is open to anyone on here, if you need to get out but feel you have no-where to go, any of you are welcome at my house (including dogs of course!!). Please don't ever feel you have no-where to go and no-one to go to, we are all here to help in any way we can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzeanna Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 I've been reading this thread with sadness for all of you who have suffered..or are still..at the hands of your OH...but there is another type of *abuse* which can stay with you all your life, and that is from your parents. My dad died when I was six from tuberculosis...my mother then moved to sussex from our home in yorkshire with her best friend. (Very best friend as I realised when I was older!). She wasnt well when we moved and it was soon found she had tb too, she was in a sanitorium for over two years and nearly died. I was sent back up North to stay with her much older sister, who had an open dislike of children, lord knows why she said she'd take me. Every time the news from the hospital was bad, she told me when my mother died I would be put in an orphanage, she certainly wasn't keeping me. Against all odds mother recovered, so back I went to sussex. Passed my 11 plus, into a school where I knew no one but everyone else seemed to know each other, and they told me I was a foreigner because I didn't talk like them! I did ok at school..but if I got a B it should have been an A..when I got an A, it should have been a A plus. I had to ask for everything in the house...may I read a book? may I have an apple? never allowed friends home...never allowed to have anything much of my own. I did get a puppy...I called her Jemima Puddleduck....came home one day and she had been given away, she never did tell me why. Mother told me that she always wanted three children, but if she'd just had one she wanted a boy. Made me feel really good that! and I was never told I looked pretty, or was clever...just criticised all the time. She's been dead since 1984 and I'm now ...erm....ancient! but I still think back and cry sometimes. I never have had good self esteem and despite now having a younger husband who thinks the world of me, I still dont and doubt I ever will. Those of you with friends and caring parents..be very very grateful for your blessings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kats inc Posted August 22, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 Thank you Suzeanna and Laura You've both shared things which must have been hard.But both of you have helped keep fresh in my mind why I do the job I do and no matter how pizzed off I get with the NHS and our management why I must keep doing it to the best of my ability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akitas Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 I am sitting here reading this thread I didn't even know it exists. I am very close to crying as many memories come back. Being for 10 years in a very controlling marriage and eventually have the courage to break out with the help of a friend who then very soon becomes the next mentally abusive partner. How bizarre is that? Both men used different forms of abuse. My EX husband was very controlling and jealous, my ex partner liked to make me small and abuse me verbally and I had quite a bit of the "playful" bruises too. Both men had in common that they liked to play guilt trips and made me feel inadequate. Reading through all the posts made me realise that I must have been very receptive to this behaviour as my mum used to raise me with guilt trips, if I didn't do as she expected she played the guilt trips. I am single now for more than 2 years and don't think I could start a relation ship now. This threat helped me to realised why and see many connection in my behaviour and what happened. I have to say both men were extremely charming and nobody outside could udnerstand why I wanted to end the relationship. When I left my husband my family turned their back on me as they didn't understand why I wanted to leave. Now I wonder why it took me 10 years to realise what was going on. My ex partner still likes to keep in touch and try his "power" over me in suddenly turning up and charming the "knickers" off. A few weeks ago I mailed him to leave me alone and never to contact me again. It took me quite a while to do that. I think it takes a while to see how manipulation works. I must be very slow Thanks so much for starting this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 I am wondering in view of the number of women on this board who have experienced abusive relationships, whether we are particularly vulnerable because we have sympathy for the underdog, human as well as animal, and it gets played on by insecure men who are attracted to that quality in the first place? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Owlish Posted August 22, 2006 Report Share Posted August 22, 2006 I'm amazed at the strength that so many people on this thread have found within themselves And those who are still struggling - you will find the strength too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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