Ruthi (borrowadog) Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I am wondering in view of the number of women on this board who have experienced abusive relationships, whether we are particularly vulnerable because we have sympathy for the underdog, human as well as animal, and it gets played on by insecure men who are attracted to that quality in the first place? What I have realised since this happened to me is just how many people (mostly women) are affected. Its not just us Refugees. Where I work I probably have told a dozen people about my situation. Of those three, THREE have similar stories to tell. That means a third of us have been through the same thing (or worse!). What worries me most, in a way, is at that rate there is at least one other in my circle who is in the situation and hasn't yet found the courage to escape - after all, we can't all have history, some people must have this in their futures I think its because abusive partners are able to spread their joy around. One woman breaks away, make her life hell for a while, then start on another. Bloody Bruce has been through four that I know of. And since being controlling presumably makes him feel better, I'm sure there will be another one before he is finished. And that is before we consider what effect he has had on his children! What can we do to protect others? Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 Indeed it is not just us Fugees, the abuse is widespread, but I still get the feeling that the number of abuse survivors on here is higher than average. I did read somewhere that strong, capable women were actually the most at risk because of inadequate partners being attracted to them and then being jealous of the very qualities they liked in the first place. It's true the abusers spread trouble around. They are sometimes well-known. Of course, it's only after you have cleared off that some bright spark says, "Of course, we always knew he was violent. He was like that with his last partner." I was even encouraged to befriend and go out with a man by a couple who knew he was manic-depressive with violent tendencies, because he was being a nuisance to them. They thought I would have a calming influence on him. Luckily I never moved in, but had to move house as he laid siege. The teeth-marks on my wrist have only faded fairly recently. That brings me to another thought. It is usually held (at least by people giving advice on domestic violence) that abusers are not mentally ill if they know what they are doing. Not necessarily so! Mental illness is sometimes cyclical, and I fear that much truly psychotic illness in need of medical treatment is being labelled as domestic abuse only. It is as if society is somehow thinking that it is a normal part of the male psyche to act like that. It is rather insulting to the men who don't! Quote from a psychiatric social worker to me: "Oh, I didn't realise he was threatening and abusing other people. I thought it was only you. That is a different matter if others are involved." Er ... why? Until recently, psychiatrists got out of treating people with "personality disorder" by saying it was not a mental illness. They aren't supposed to do that now. A lot of abusers fell into that category, including a member of my family who genuinely believed that his wife and other family members had been killed by and replaced by aliens who had taken on their appearance! Mustn't burble on. Hope my comments have not offended anyone. It is a complex subject and I am inclinde to think there is a tendency to class all abusive situations as the same. We must be careful not to over implify. I have to say that some of the comments made to me by professionals who were trying to help at the time were in themselves abusive. One counsellor at Relate insisted I had chosen to be abused, and always sought out violent men. I said that most of the men in my life had not been violent at all, and got told I was in denial. Her view was not uncommon at that time. Someone else told me that I had made myself into a victim by being physically unable to defend myself and should learn martial arts. (Not much help if the culprit knows them too, and no one should need to engage in karate conflict to make a partner respect them.) The subject is very emotive and brings back bad memories for me so will Fugees please excuse if I am rambling. Just wanted to say a few things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staffymad Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I have absolutely no fear of any abusive man anymore. They are snivelling little cowards. I learnt how to look after myself - and I do. This is the way I feel. Since I left more than 13 years ago my abusive relationship I have not taken s*** from anyone and have one motto 'There is nothing someone can do to me that hasn't happened yet'. Although I don't think that I will ever learn to trust someone 100% again and my little brick wall will be always with me, I have learned over the years that there are compassionate and caring people out there and at the forefront my hubby For all those who have no yet come out on the other side, YOU CAN DO IT. Cindy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elricc Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I do agree about the not being frightened, I always tell myself when I am feeling bad that if I can come off a gypsy site at 14 after what I had been through and not just survive but flourish (mentally, academically, emotionally) there's not a lot I can't achieve if I put my mind to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClazUK Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 You lot are an inspiration I hope this thread gives other people in abusive/controlling/unhappy relationships the balls to move forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruthi (borrowadog) Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 Until recently, psychiatrists got out of treating people with "personality disorder" by saying it was not a mental illness. They aren't supposed to do that now. A lot of abusers fell into that category, including a member of my family who genuinely believed that his wife and other family members had been killed by and replaced by aliens who had taken on their appearance! I do feel rather sorry for the psychiatrists. They have minimal armoury in comparison to the rest of the medical professions, and how exactly do you treat someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with their behaviour? And for whom there are no pills anyway? I also believe that being mentally ill does not necessarily absolve us of responsibility for our actions. We are none of us completely normal - that is why society has rules and penalties for breaking them. The question is, can we control our urges or not. If not then we need to be locked up for the safety of others - that is society will control our urges for us. If yes, then there are no excuses, and society (police, social workers etc etc) should not tolerate this kind of behaviour. I know I am beginning to sound like a fascist - but it does seem to me that our permissive focus on the freedom of the individual has begun to allow all sorts of freedoms to harm others. I am old enough to remember a world where minor transgressions led to rapid punishment from an early age. The trouble is that same world seems to have tolerated a great deal of domestic abuse (although I do think that relatives and neighbours probably looked after many women the way Sarah was cared for). So I don't know the answer. But if the human race were wiped out, I am not at all sure it would be a bad thing for the universe. Ruth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ykstar Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 (edited) There are some truely inspirational woman on this thread. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Alex Laura Ruth Akitas Kathy Katie Sarah Suzeanna Jules - Thank you for sharing your strength. Edited August 23, 2006 by ykstar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elricc Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 A very inadequate response from me, but I am thinking of you. I remember the forced eating as well and being made to get the food out of a slop bucket where I had put it and eat it. Burnt on the hand with a welding gun because I ate a sandwich made for Kate. Hair cut off to the scalp with a pair of wallpaper shears as I brushed it with her brush. I loathe her with all my heart. IAnother tool was to be nice and make me think it was OK, then turn when I trusted. She let my dog drown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ykstar Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I am in amazement how you all came through these experiences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merledogs Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 She let my dog drown. He killed our pets too - firstly mice and rats then cats and dogs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jemimap Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I have tried and tried to write a response to this thread but cannot find the words. You are all truly brave, inspirational women Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebe Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 To all of you. We are all survivers, and shouldnt ever have to have been in a position where we had to find the strength not to curl up in a corner and die. but we found that strength and did survive, and we should be proud of that. Divorcing these weak men isnt always an end to it. They may not be able to physically abuse us or control us anymore, but they can still do it mentally. There arnt enough miles on this earth to put between me and chipdick that would be too many. He will still try to control me somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staffymad Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 For me personally the biggest step was to accept that it wasn't my fault. It took my a lot of beatings and rapes (is that a word?) until I realised no it is not me, it is him. I never told my family nor my brother as I know my dad and brother would have killed him and would have spend their lives behind bars for a scum bag like him. Both have died over the past years and I for one am glad that they never had to know about this. As this topic shows people in abusive relationships are not alone. I personally believe once you know that, it gets easier to make that all important first step and say 'No, no more'. Cindy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happylittlegreensquirrel Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I know how hard it must be for a lot of people to post such personal experiences and I wanted to say thank you I think it really does help people trapped within such relationships to see they are not alone , its not there fault and there is a way out for me it was one person ( a chap who had been in a similar relationship as the victim ) that took the time to sit down with me and tell me that I was being abused, it was wrong and I could stay in safety in his house that gave me the courage to leave ( the very next day ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittycat Posted August 23, 2006 Report Share Posted August 23, 2006 I have tried and tried to write a response to this thread but cannot find the words. You are all truly brave, inspirational women Exactly what she said I've never experienced anything like what you have been through. I can only wish that those you have suffered at the hands of these people that your wounds heal and scars fade and anyone going through it now that you break free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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