Controlling Relationships

[supafrisk]

I'm with Kats on this one.

 

I witnessed it with my biological father at the age of 6. My mother never left cos he threatened to kill my grandfather who was an invalid. When my grandfather died and my Mum finally had the courage to leave him, for her trouble he put her out of my brother's bedroom window, leaving her with three fractures of the skull and in intensive care and with a police vigil at her bedside. He got 18 months for it.

[ReikiAnge]

I personally can't understand woman who stay in these kind of relationships but I suppose I can't comment as I haven't been there.

 

I think that's exactly it, it can be hard to understand the decision someone else makes when you've not been there as people don't always react as we think we would. Indeed we don't always react as we think we might. I haven't been in a controlling/abusive relationship either, fortunately, but I have reacted to things in the past, in ways I thought I wouldn't.

 

People do all sorts of things to keep those they love safe, until they are ready or able to change things.

[Melp]

Homely you and your parents etc have been very lucky but it's not really fair to make judgements about people who haven't been so lucky. Please take the time to read the entire thread again and perhaps you'll see exactly why women stay in relationships like this.

[mikaela]

I didnt realize it was abuse until my solicitor sat with open mouth and told me I honestly thought because it wasnt physical it was normal behavour.

I just thought it was me.

Reading this has made me realize a lot.

Thankyou

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

Thanks Jules

 

I posted this in RMF and it fits here as well I think

as a look of people I relate to a lot of whats written my partner prior to Mark ( when I was 18 ) was very controlling , in my case it was my youth and inexperience with relationships that allowed him behave in such a way , once I was a couple of years older I told him to sling his pathetic hook and feck off

 

he lives locally to my mother and I sometimes bump into his family members and basically he has not learnt any lessons and has treated every single girlfriend in the same way since and every single one has walked out on him for the same reasons I did.

if any one reads Jules post and thinks bugger thats me, then please please think about talking to some one who can help you

 

re why do woman stay I have quoted my original post

 

well part of my problem was that I young and had little experience with relationships and nothing to compare against ( I thought it was normal and he made me feel like I was the problem )

 

I was trapped financially ( we had brought a house together )

 

I was in denial ( I did not want to admit I was trapped ) and I had started to believe that it was me that was the issue and not him

 

my self esteem was not great and he was a very handsome chap and I felt ugly and worthless ( this helped him control me )

 

he was flipping clever at it ( the old controlling lark )

 

I thought I loved him

 

 

if you went out with a chap and he beat 7 bells of shite out of you on your first date you would not have a 2nd date you would run away and most likely call the police

 

Mental abuse and controlling is similar , they don't attack you full on at first as of course you would walk away. Instead its very subtle and low key , by the time most women realise what is happening its to late to just walk away things like money, children , fear , low esteem even physical abuse have been put in place to stop that happening

 

I like to think I am a pretty smart woman and I was driven to the edge of a breakdown by my ex partner

[StaffieLover]

I agree with the majority here.

 

I got married at the ripe old (?) age of 18 - moved to Northern Ireland (ex husband was in the forces) - things were great until I got pregnant, then the violence started. Physical and mental... more mental than physical though, after all you dont get any marks with mental cruelty.

 

I had been told by my parents prior to my wedding, that I shouldnt do it, because I was too young - and stupidly, because I was a know-it-all teenager, I went ahead and did it anyway.

 

First, I stayed because I didnt want to be proved wrong about getting married in the first place - then I stayed because my self esteem had been shattered to the point whereby i didnt think I could cope alone, and that without him, I was nothing and a no-one (sound familiar?!)

 

He left me, 7 months pregnant with his 2nd child and the eldest was just under 3 years old.. ran off with a 15 year old - best thing he could ever do. Yes, I went through the hurt stage (god only knows why) but it made me stronger and I have never allowed any man to do it again.

 

Older and wiser perhaps, stronger definitely - but I can sympathise with any woman who has found themselves in a position of being abused and being unable (for whatever reason) to walk away then and there. Its very easy to sit in judgement and say "why dont you leave him then" - but if you have been worn down to the bone emotionally, where do you get the strength to walk away?

 

for all who have been through it and come out the other side... and to those who are still there - there's light at the end of the tunnel and there's plenty here that'll help you to get there.

 

 

Lynn

xxx

Edited May 24, 2006 by StaffieLover

[Rachel]

I got married at the ripe old (?) age of 18 ............. then the violence started. Physical and mental... more mental than physical though, after all you dont get any marks with mental cruelty.

 

I had been told by my parents prior to my wedding, that I shouldnt do it, because I was too young - and stupidly, because I was a know-it-all teenager, I went ahead and did it anyway.

 

First, I stayed because I didnt want to be proved wrong about getting married in the first place - then I stayed because my self esteem had been shattered to the point whereby i didnt think I could cope alone, and that without him, I was nothing and a no-one (sound familiar?!)

 

Sound familiar? Its me to the letter. That is exactly how I would have described my first marriage. By the time things deteriorated to the incident when he held an army bayonet to my throat and asked me if I had anything to say before he killed me I was too scared to leave. It took me two years and even then it was him that actually walked rather than me. I think he expected me to try and stop him but even I wasn't quite that stupid.

 

In hindsight I should have walked the first time he hit me but at the time I wasn't strong enough. I had no self esteem left and genuinely believed that if I didnt stay with him, then no-one else would ever love me. I do believe that unless you have been in that sort of position it is almost impossible to understand why any sane, sensible person wouldn't just walk away.

 

to anyone dealing with this at the moment and to all of us who have been there and come out the other side.

[GSDFan]

I can see why someone who hasn't been in that situation can't understand why women ( or men ) stay in that sort of relationship.

 

I was in a relationship like that for 5 years with my ex OH and I don't fully understand why I stayed. Mainly lack of strength to do anything about it I think.

 

One thing I know from talking to a few other people who have been in abusive relationships is that we were embarrassed to talk about it, too embarrassed in many cases, including mine, to even tell our closest friends. If anyone noticed bruises or scratch marks I would always make a 'clumsy me' excuse, I never told anyone what had really happened. So, I would say to anyone in this sort of relationship PLEASE don't be embarrassed, tell your friends, tell your family. They won't think badly of you and may well be able to help you.

[kats n greys]

I personally can't understand woman who stay in these kind

of relationships but I suppose I can't comment as I haven't

been there.

 

 

 

I had a friend who when she left a controlling relationship went through 7 shades of hell, because her husband was seen as a great guy - even her own mother told her that "it was her fault and what had she done to cause him to act like that" (later apologised for, but unfortunately never forgotten.

 

 

 

She was a very attractive, intelligent woman, who he reduced to a souless wreck by his treatment, luckily she eventually found the strength to leave after seven years.

[bebe]

re why do woman stay I have quoted my original post

 

well part of my problem was that I young and had little experience with relationships and nothing to compare against ( I thought it was normal and he made me feel like I was the problem )

 

I was trapped financially ( we had brought a house together )

 

I was in denial ( I did not want to admit I was trapped ) and I had started to believe that it was me that was the issue and not him

 

my self esteem was not great and he was a very handsome chap and I felt ugly and worthless ( this helped him control me )

 

he was flipping clever at it ( the old controlling lark )

 

I thought I loved him

if you went out with a chap and he beat 7 bells of shite out of you on your first date you would not have a 2nd date you would run away and most likely call the police

 

Mental abuse and controlling is similar , they don't attack you full on at first as of course you would walk away. Instead its very subtle and low key , by the time most women realise what is happening its to late to just walk away things like money, children , fear , low esteem even physical abuse have been put in place to stop that happening

 

I like to think I am a pretty smart woman and I was driven to the edge of a breakdown by my ex partner

 

 

God Sam, youve just said EXACTLY how I was made to feel! I have NO self esteem at all, and it was so easy to believe that no-one else would ever want me, with all the "baggage" I have, especially now.

 

But the abuse creeps up on you, slowly, its so subtle its hardly noticeble at first. I began doubting myself, questioning myself because all anyone else ever saw was the charming, affiable bloke, and I was made to look like a neurotic over-sensitive attention seeker. My own Family always said I must be difficult to live with, and that he was a saint! They know better now, his mask has well and truely slipped, but it doesnt make up for all the years of me wondering if I was insane. He actually used to tell me I was insane, when I first became suspicious about his affairs, he urged me to go to the Doctor, and said it was because of my childhood and the problems I had as a kid that made me "unable to trust"

 

People always told me I was lucky to have him. Everyone loved him. Now everything is coming out, all the lies, affairs, cruelty, everyone is saying "I thought he was too good to be true!"

 

No-one listened to me then, but now Im being made to feel I was in the wrong for "covering for him".

[greys mum]

God Sam, youve just said EXACTLY how I was made to feel! I have NO self esteem at all, and it was so easy to believe that no-one else would ever want me, with all the "baggage" I have, especially now.

 

But the abuse creeps up on you, slowly, its so subtle its hardly noticeble at first. I began doubting myself, questioning myself because all anyone else ever saw was the charming, affiable bloke, and I was made to look like a neurotic over-sensitive attention seeker. My own Family always said I must be difficult to live with, and that he was a saint! They know better now, his mask has well and truely slipped, but it doesnt make up for all the years of me wondering if I was insane. He actually used to tell me I was insane, when I first became suspicious about his affairs, he urged me to go to the Doctor, and said it was because of my childhood and the problems I had as a kid that made me "unable to trust"

 

People always told me I was lucky to have him. Everyone loved him. Now everything is coming out, all the lies, affairs, cruelty, everyone is saying "I thought he was too good to be true!"

 

No-one listened to me then, but now Im being made to feel I was in the wrong for "covering for him".

 

 

That's it exactly.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

Unless you have been through, or close to a controlling relationship I don't think you can understand what its like. I certainly didn't 7 years ago. And I even worked in a refuge for a while! I sympathised, but that didn't mean that I understood. I could observe the behaviour (the majority of women ended up back with their abuser) but I couldn't understand.

 

In Bruce's case I'm pretty sure that it didn't start out as a deliberate plan. Rather, when we first met and fell in love he was getting what he needed - my undivided attention and indulgence. I wanted to please him so I did what he wanted - and he didn't need to 'control' to get the result. In time, as the relationship matured and he didn't quite get that attention (or I asked for my needs to be met sometimes) he had to work harder to re-establish control. Because he is charming and manipulative I didn't see it happening. I made excuses for him, or I believed him. So he influenced me into dropping friends, or they moved out of range without saying anything to me. And occasionally he'd lose his temper over something where he obviously knew I wasn't over confident. Gradually my confidence and self esteem dribbled away.

 

The professionals didn't notice. I was put on stronger and stronger drugs to deal with my inexplicable depression and anxiety. I saw a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I was a 'case' and no-one questioned the fact that I had changed so dramatically and inexplicably. I suspect that a lot had to do with my age (I'm 55 now) and sex. Had I been male or not of an age when the menopause explains everything someone might have stopped to think.

 

It took a lot before I could begin to understand

 

1) He went for me causing bruises and scratches - although playful dogs have caused worse, but with different intent! I made excuses to myself - he'd just given up smoking, and had an operation......

2) A total stranger observed that he got into a pet when he wasn't centre of attention - and had the courage to comment on it to me

3) His daughter confirmed to me that he had indeed hit his ex wife (he claimed she lied about it!) and that he had hit the children too

4) Jules started this excellent topic!

 

And I am sure that Bruce is a relatively mild case - so its been relatively easy for me to break out.

 

Actually I think he has a personality disorder. Nothing is EVER his fault - its always someone else. A grown man of nearly 60, and he cannot take responsibility for his own mistakes at all. And whatever he does to satisfy his desires is always justifiable. I am pretty sure that is the definition of a psychopath!!!

 

And I even contemplated for a moment leaving my dog in his care!

 

I'm not totally cured yet!

 

Ruth

[PrincessC]

Having divorced from man with some major control issues last year, I sympathise with anyone who finds themselves in that sort of relationship. I was lucky as he wasn't violent towards me or the dogs (although he did throw mugs, slam doors and 'sweep' saucepans etc off the hob) but the main issue was the isolation - telling me we couldn't afford to have friends over, go and visit relatives and so on - and secrecy about the finances, which arose as a result of him misappropriating/investing/gambling over £130,000, remortgaging the house, which in turn led to him panicking and demanding a divorce when the money ran out. By this time he had left £459 in my savings account and £30 in my current account AND THAT WAS IT! As someone who is self-employed, I thought I had a rather better safety margin than that...he even told me I did

 

If you have any doubts about your relationship whatsoever, keep your finances completely separate and watch him like a hawk, especially if he works in tax, accountancy, or financial services

 

After I sussed the spending/gambling problem (and I had no idea at first that was why he wanted a divorce - I thought it was because he was having a cyber affair with some wealthy woman he met on the internet, offering the poor b*tch crappy investment advice, I expect ) then he exhibited all sorts of weird behaviours, alternatively nice then nasty, violence, threats to turn the dogs loose in the countryside in the middle of the night, or rehome Scout (who was his dog, although since June 2005 he hasn't once asked after her wellbeing ) and even now after divorce he is refusing to pay me for chattels taken from the house (he is selling the contents of the 'marital home' one by one on Ebay ) taking me to court because I won't pay for some paint he claims to have bought but for which he has no receipt (of course I will pay you £230 just because you say I should, my darling!) won't attend mediation to save court time and generally behaving like a real knob, including refusing to sign for registered letters, etc...

 

Once a controller, always a controller in my experience, but they just get more desperate the further away you manage to escape to anyone who is suffering or has suffered at the hands of one...

[staffymad]

It took a lot before I could begin to understand

 

1) He went for me causing bruises and scratches - although playful dogs have caused worse, but with different intent! I made excuses to myself - he'd just given up smoking, and had an operation......

 

And I am sure that Bruce is a relatively mild case - so its been relatively easy for me to break out.

 

I'm not totally cured yet!

 

Ruth

 

I agree with this totally. I was in a abusive relationship for years when I was only just 20 years of age and it took me a long time to remove myself from the physical and emotional abuse and same as you I always made excuses for him and blamed myself.

 

As for Bruce being a mild case, I think they all start off as a mild case but as they realise it is working and they can get us to do what ever they want out of fear, the mild becomes a strong case.

 

You might not be totally cured yet Ruth but you are taking steps into the right direction. I personally think I will never be 100% cured as even now 13 years later I have problems trusting people and stay fairly shallow not letting anyone too close. However I have met my husband and he is very supportive of it all.

 

Cindy

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

just bumping up this very valuable tread up

 

recently I have had some experiences with my ex partner ( the one I have mentioned earlier ) he is now moving away from just bullying his girlfriends and had started doing the same to his teenage daughter (who saw him on access visits )

 

amazingly she has seen past all the mental games and controlling behavior and decided its no longer healthy for her to have any relationship with him and refuses to see him or allow him any contact with her

 

pretty switched on and gusty behavior for a young girl

 

Sam