Controlling Relationships

[Kats inc]

I've copied this from RMF as Sam suggested.Most of you know I got out of a violent relationship in 1999 (wooohooooo ).I have several bits of info that I find very useful.I know women I have shared it with have found it a real eye opener,I swear these men all went to the same 'charm school'

 

domestic abuse isn't just about physical abuse it's about running people down emotionally and psychologically

See below

What abuse is'nt:

Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things

Listening to her non-judgementally

Being emotionally affirming and understanding

Valuing opinions

Supporting her goals in life

Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions

Partner accepts responsibility for themselves

Acknowledges past use of violence/abuse if this has occured

Admits being wrong when they are

Communicates openly and truthfully

Sharing parental responsibilities

Being a positive and non-abusive role model for the children

Mutually agreeing a fair distribution of work

Making family decisions together

Making money decisions together

Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements

Solving conflicts together in a way that helps both of you

Accepting change

Being willing to compromise

What it is:

Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy when she isn't, playing mind-games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty for no good reason,accusing her of affairs etc.

Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

Making light of the abuse, not taking her concerns seriously, saying it didn't happen, shifting the responsibility for abusive behaviour, saying she caused it.

Making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay inappropriate messages, using visitations to harass her, threatening to take the children away.

Treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the master of the castle, being the one to choose men and women's roles in the house.

Preventing her getting or keeping the job she wants. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have acess to family money.

Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her

Threatening to leave her

Threatening to commit suicide unless she obeys

Threatening to report her to the police/social services etc on made-up reasons

Making her drop charges against her partner

Making her do illegal things

 

 

THE SURVIVOR'S BIBLE

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers), but you will drive yourself crazy if you try.

Accept that you will never understand why or how he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser (not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate), but you can control how (or whether) you react or respond toward him.

Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him, use your brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.

Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for companionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.

Remember that if you try to get anything at all from him, you are giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it. Don't give him that power in the first place! Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what they are negotiating to give in the first place?

Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave that it is to risk long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.

In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that although the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.

Always know this. They need us more than we need them! We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.

Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason, or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.

Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!

Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If men want to establish an intimate and/or long-term relationship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.

Learn to love and respect yourself. Give yourself all of the kindness and love he never did.

Soon you will see him for what he truly is, and you will see yourself as well. This I promise.

Anon

 

 

This one I find the best for those who aren't sure or are newly involved with someone.I use this one a lot at work.

 

Abusive Behaviour – checklist

If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become more abusive, there are behaviours you can look for, including the following: (remember, you don’t have to tick all the boxes – it’s a list of examples of abusive behaviour.

1. Jealousy. An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something major to break that trust (like actually having an affair).

2. Controlling behaviour. At first, the abuser will say this behaviour us because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well, or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are “late†coming back from the store or an appointment. You will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. As this behaviour gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going out. They may keep all the money, or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. Quick involvement. Many abused people only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming “you’re the only person I could ever talk to†and “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyoneâ€. Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down or break up.

4. Unrealistic expectations. Abusers will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover and friend. They say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need and you are all I needâ€. You will be expected to take care of everything for them, emotionally, physically and sometimes financially too.

5. Isolation. Abusers usually try to cut their partners off from all resources. If you are a woman who has male friends, you are a “whore†a “slut†or “cheatingâ€. If you are close to your family, you’re “immature†or “still mummy’s little girlâ€. The abuser will accuse people who are supportive of you of causing trouble, and may restrict your use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car and may try to keep you from working or going to courses etc. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

6. Blames others for problems. If your partner makes a mistake, it’s your fault for upsetting them in some way so they can’t concentrate on their work, or didn’t have what they needed immediately to hand. It is your job to be at fault for everything that goes wrong, and totally responsible for ensuring that their lives are perfect for them. (after all, they’re not adults capable of doing small things for themselves like the rest of us!)

7. Blames other for feelings. Abusive people will tell you “you MADE me mad†and “I can’t help being angryâ€. They use phrases like this to ensure that you feel guilty for their inability to do what the rest of us manage to do perfectly well – behave sensibly round other people. Abusers like to see themselves as the “victim†of your “failings†and they do not take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviours.

8. Hypersensitivity. Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about tiny things that are really just a part of living.

9. Cruelty to animals and children. They may punish animals and children brutally, They may expect children to be capable of things well beyond their years, or of behaving to impossibly perfect standards (of course, if they don’t, it’s all your fault, (not theirs – they’re not a parent, after all!!). They like to tease animals and children until they cry or yelp in pain and then say “oh it was just a bit of funâ€. They may be very critical of other people’s children or any children you brought into the relationship. They may threaten to prevent you from seeing your children or helping them when they cry, they may punish the children if you do something wrong, or prevent you from being with them as a punishment for you. Abuser who beat their partners usually also beat their children.

10. “Playful†use of force in sex. This kind of abuser lies to act out fantasies during sex where they are in charge. They like to tell you that the idea of rape or acting it out is exciting. They show little concern for whether you want sex or not, and use sulking or anger to get you to give in. They keep you awake until you do as you are told, or wake you up, no matter how exhausted you are. They also use sex as a way of “making up†after violent beatings – “there – see – I love you after all because I have demanded sex after hitting youâ€. All makes perfect sense really (not!).

11. Verbal abuse. In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser slags you off or swears at you, belittling your achievements. They may accuse you of “not being a real woman/man†They may threaten to tell others secrets you shared with them in happier times in the relationship. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may tell you that you are fat, useless, ugly, that no other person would want you, that you are lucky that they are still around because no-one else would bother with you. They will keep you awake for hours to yell at you or force you to do extra work around the house or for them, etc.

12. Rigid Sex Roles. Male abusers expect their partners to play the traditional role in the household. Male abusers will insist that women obey them in all things, and see your role as being servant to them.

13. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Many survivors of abuser are confused by their abuser’s sudden changes in mood, and may thing it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partner. Many survivors believe that if their partner would only give up drinking or using drugs, the abuse and violence would stop. It usually doesn’t.

14. Past Abuse. These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner “made them do itâ€. This is never true. The fact is that they will begin to hit any partner they are with as soon as they have reached the right stage of abuse in the relationship – by following all the patterns above until they feel like they have complete control and no chance of being caught. Then the violence begins. You cannot “make†someone hit you – it is always their choice to do so.

15. Threats of violence. This could include any angry or frightening threat of physical force meant to control you – “if you don’t behave I will slap you/hit you/kill you†. This is not normal behaviour, but abusers will tell you that “everyone talks like that†and that it is “normal†or “didn’t mean anythingâ€.

16. Breaking objects and wrecking/throwing things. This behaviour is used as a punishment and to terrorise you into submission. The abuser may tell you that it proves how much they love you because they haven’t actually hit you, have they? But they are using violence and terror to control you, and they know it. It indicates great danger to you when someone thinks they have the “right†to punish or frighten their partner by doing any of these things.

17. Any frightening use of force during an argument. An abuser may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room when you are afraid, push you, shove you, pin you to the wall, trip you up, chase you threateningly.

18. And we haven’t even got onto the subject of the violence that comes next, or the way they control people by stopping their money or food....

And all through every stage of this, you will be told that it was “all your fault†and that “they can’t help itâ€. Two of the greatest lies ever told. The reality is that they are incompetent and pathetic people who lie a lot.

Life isn’t about threats and fear. If you are afraid of your partner, or what they might do to punish you for getting something wrong, this isn’t normal, it isn’t acceptable, it isn’t how other people live, and it ISNT your fault. You have been caught by an abuser, and this is what they do to each of their victims in turn. It just happened to be you this time.

 

If they help just one person then it's worth it.Anyone who needs to can always PM me

[Melp]

Good post Jules. I think there are many of us who are or have been [in my case] in this kind of relationship.

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

Thanks Jules

 

I posted this in RMF and it fits here as well I think

 

 

as a look of people I relate to a lot of whats written my partner prior to Mark ( when I was 18 ) was very controlling , in my case it was my youth and inexperience with relationships that allowed him behave in such a way , once I was a couple of years older I told him to sling his pathetic hook and feck off

 

he lives locally to my mother and I sometimes bump into his family members and basically he has not learnt any lessons and has treated every single girlfriend in the same way since and every single one has walked out on him for the same reasons I did.

 

 

if any one reads Jules post and thinks bugger thats me, then please please think about talking to some one who can help you

 

you can PM Jules or me, or use the internet to find people to help

 

but what ever you do please don't think it will go away or that you are at fault and if you change( change/do as you are told/don't rock the boat or whatever you call it ) the situation will get better because it does not

 

 

Sam xxx

[greys mum]

If only I had read that BEFORE marrying my ex. Would have saved myself and my children a lot of heartache

 

Life is sooooo much better now.

[Kats inc]

Oh they're so clever these abusive men.I have a very good book called 'Why charming men make dangerous lovers' which talks about why we fall for this type of man..they make us feel so special,the most beautiful girl in the world...the abuse happens so slowly at first and of course the apologies are so overwhelmingly lovely.Yes you want to believe they don't mean it and that they won't ever do it again....slowly but surely it creeps into a more regular pattern and before you know it there you are in an abusive controlling relationship and if only people knew just how hard they are to get out of

 

But understanding and resources are getting better,it's still not wonderful but it's better than it was.And as Sam says there is us survivors to talk to so please do,we do understand and we will not make any judgements.

[greys mum]

Oh they're so clever these abusive men.I have a very good book called 'Why charming men make dangerous lovers' which talks about why we fall for this type of man..they make us feel so special,the most beautiful girl in the world...the abuse happens so slowly at first and of course the apologies are so overwhelmingly lovely.Yes you want to believe they don't mean it and that they won't ever do it again....slowly but surely it creeps into a more regular pattern and before you know it there you are in an abusive controlling relationship and if only people knew just how hard they are to get out of

 

 

Know exactly what you mean. My ex can charm the birds out of the trees until he gets what he wants. Then there is the outside/ inside split to the personality. People who didn't live next door didn't believe what he was like, because he was so nice to them. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends. He was never physically abusive, but he was/is a mind game expert.

[Guest Vikinggirl]

We are all just statistics of these monsters.

 

I can relate to Kats posting as I was abused physically as well as emotionally and only after I knew I either took control and terminated the marriage or would probably die in that marriage, possibly at his hands, but more likely at my own, did I learn also financially. It is hard to read that posting in black and white because it has made me think about my own inadequacies at that time. They were not inherent in me, but they were conditioned in my by the barsteward who was my husband, my gaoler. But they all existed nevertheless, you could tick them off like a checklist.

 

My heart goes out to every woman (and man) who is abused in anyway in their relationship.

 

As I previously wrote somewhere, I had suddenly come to realise that I hadn't seen anything but the floor for such a long time. Looking up and seeing that beautiful big world around me gave me total strength. My parents and close friends gave me support and I triumphed through sheer determination to fight him and win.

 

Look up, see what is around you, what you are missing and make that decision. Making excuses for his / her behaviour IS THE BEGINNING. Only YOU can change that.

 

to everyone who cares enough to make a difference.

[beaky]

I think a lot of people have been there.

 

I was a few years ago, but luckily recognised the early signs and got out - he made me feel inadequate and stupid, and that for me was a reason not to continue the relationship. It never really went further than some verbal put downs and niggling doubts, oh, apart from when we went out, he got drunk and knocked me down in the middle of a road . Luckily his lovely older brother helped me to drag myself out of the road before a car came. I never worked out whether it was by fault or design. I'd rather not know. It took me a while to realise what was happening and most of that realisation happened when we had finished the relationship. I think it came with age, and experience and listening to other people and what they went through. While they may have gone through physical abuse, it had to start somewhere.

 

My current OH may be a bit unromantic sometimes, or takes me for granted from time to time, but bullying and controlling is something he is absolutely not In fact it would probably be the other way round

Edited February 4, 2006 by beaky

[ingipops]

Oh they're so clever these abusive men.I have a very good book called 'Why charming men make dangerous lovers' which talks about why we fall for this type of man..they make us feel so special,the most beautiful girl in the world...the abuse happens so slowly at first and of course the apologies are so overwhelmingly lovely.Yes you want to believe they don't mean it and that they won't ever do it again....slowly but surely it creeps into a more regular pattern and before you know it there you are in an abusive controlling relationship and if only people knew just how hard they are to get out of

 

But understanding and resources are getting better,it's still not wonderful but it's better than it was.And as Sam says there is us survivors to talk to so please do,we do understand and we will not make any judgements.

 

I have this book too, if anyone would like to borrow it please just pm.

[bebe]

Know exactly what you mean. My ex can charm the birds out of the trees until he gets what he wants. Then there is the outside/ inside split to the personality. People who didn't live next door didn't believe what he was like, because he was so nice to them. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends. He was never physically abusive, but he was/is a mind game expert.

 

 

This sounds like a classic Narcissist. A lot of these abusive men have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and no-one will ever believe you when you say what they are like, theyre total charmers to everyone else.

 

I thought my soon-to-be-ex- Husband was just a selfish barsteward, wrapped up in himself, could be lovely and easy going, but could also be capable of extreme violence, especially with other men, and I DO mean EXTREME!!

Then I found out about NPD, and it was like a lightbulb going off in my head, it was describing him to a T.

 

Im dreading going to court in 2 weeks time, to get him out of my house, but its the only way to get free, cos they never change, they cant.

 

Better off with a few lovely dogs to keep me warm

 

bebe

[Trudi]

I think (from personal experience) that you only truely realise the controlling nature of the relationship once you are away from it. Whilst you're in the midst of the relationship you spend so much of your time and energy trying to rationalise and excuse your partners behaviour that you don't see them for what they are. It takes a great deal of strength to break away and my heart goes out to anyone who thinks they are currently involved in such a relationship

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

I think (from personal experience) that you only truly realise the controlling nature of the relationship once you are away from it. Whilst you're in the midst of the relationship you spend so much of your time and energy trying to rationalise and excuse your partners behaviour that you don't see them for what they are. It takes a great deal of strength to break away and my heart goes out to anyone who thinks they are currently involved in such a relationship

 

 

thats a very good point Trudi

 

in my case all my time was spent not rocking the boat , I was spending so much time pandering to his whims I was no longer myself

 

for me the turning point was one Saturday when I was shopping in Iceland a chap dropped a load of boxes behind me and I burst out crying and I realised that normal people are not that on edge every minute of every day

 

a chap I worked with offered me the spare room in his house and that gave me the bolt hole I needed and I left the next day and basically stated living again

 

to start with I was so conditioned I kept telling him and his house mate what time I would be home, who I was out with etc , they sat me down and explained I did not have to ask there permission for anything and I was free to do as I wanted and it made me see what I had become and start healing

 

 

and when I started seeing Mark 18 months later I could not get over how different a normal relationship was and how warped my previous relationship ( if you can call it that ) was

 

Sam

[JulesB]

Trudi that's spot on. When you compare the person you are (when you are in the bad place, I mean) with the person you were, it's like looking at a different person altogether - but it's only when you're out of it that you can see that clearly If it gives any hope to anyone, IMO making the break is never as hard as you imagine it will be, and the relief it brings is indescribable. I hope this thread gives anyone who needs it a bit of extra courage to reclaim their life

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

My heart goes out to every woman (and man) who is abused in anyway in their relationship.

 

 

thats also a very good point, although we normally think of women being in such relationships it is also men

 

in my previous post I mentioned the man at work who offered me a place to stay , he had been married to a woman who sounded like the twin of my then boyfriend who had started to hit me ( but only places no one would see )

 

she was every bit as controlling and used to hit him and as he was a decent sort he would never defend himself physically so he was in fact a battered husband ( both mentally and physically ) I think thats why he went out of his way to help me as he recognised me as someone trapped by a controlling partner

 

when he offered me the room in his house I was still unconvinced I could really go through with it and kept coming up with excuses

 

he gave me what turned out to be some of the very best advice I have ever been offered , he said " you will always find reasons to stay, but you only need one reason to leave"

 

I owe a hell of a lot to that chap

 

Sam

[ykstar]

Thanks for posting this Jules.

 

to all who have been in this situation.