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Controlling Relationships


Kats inc

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I was talking about the stuff on here too to a friend recently - pregnant she has quit her job with nothing, no money from the sale of the house and moved 200 miles to be back with her family and told her ex she had an abortion because of his behaviour - she doesn't want her baby to have anything to do with him - she said he used to claim he wasn't abusive because only hitting her would have been - so glad she is an incredibly strong person and got out in the nick of time.

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I split with my ex husband nearly 3 years ago just days after my sons 1st birthday and I was devastated...even though he was a violent control freak who loved nothing more than putting me down at every opportunity. We split in the October and on the New Years Eve he beat the crap out of me broke my nose, threatened to kill me and the kids and held me in the house waving the bread knife round. When he finally left I rang the police and they picked him up with the knife still on him. To cut a long story short he wrote letters to the court for me to sign saying that it was all my fault and that I was a twisted warped cow who gave him a dogs life and literally drove him to the edge and thats why he did what he did. The CPS did drop those charges but still did him for the knife and he ended up losing his job as a locality manager for an autism charity (his record means he no longer has a clear CRB). Of course he really beleives that its all my fault and nothing to do with him and he managed to make a lot of other people believe it too.

 

Its taken a hell of a long time but Im now really glad were not together...he even tried to get me to go back to him earlier this year and it was a great feeling to be able to say no. Now though hes trying everything he can to cause trouble and I really do wish hed just vanish...he threatened to top himself and take the kids with him cos I was limiting his access due to his irrational behaviour and now hes filed papers to go for full access!!! Hes also trying to scupper my efforts at staying on in the family home cos its the only home my kids have ever known and were all happy here so why should we have to move if I can make it work.

Deep down I know he doesnt stand a chance but Im really worried cos he plays Mr nice guy really well and is believable and I dont know that I can compete with that. With me what you see is what you get and thats all there is to it. Im not into playing games and I dont know if Ive got what it takes to keep fighting him cos its wearing me down and I just feel like crying. I thought by now things would be getting better but theyre not.

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Stay strong Katie :flowers: You've been incredibly brave and strong from what you've posted.If you ever feel doubt or wilt at all just remember back to how it felt at the worst moment.We're always here too for those times you need us :GroupHug: We do understand as many of us have been there.

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Someone who wishes to remain anonymous has asked me to remind people that often friends can behave in a controlling manner too,not just partners.I agree as I have seen some very controlling friendships,probably just as controlling as relationships actually.This person has asked for no hugs or special thoughts but wanted this posted as a reminder to everyone but I'll send a :flowers: anyway on behalf of us all.

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It is very hard to break away and its not until you can look back with clarity you realise how bad it was.

 

My mother was the control freak, she made my chilhood and adolescent years an absolute misery, anything I was interested in she destroyed, killing pets, burning books, snapping musical insruments etc. I learnt never to express any emotion incase it exposed a weakness etc.She also controlled my access to food, she deliberatley would make sure there was none to eat stamping available food into the mud etc. Violent behind doors, painting a bizarre picture of me to other family members etc and making me generally terrified until I physically started to fight back. I thought this was how life was. We lived next to my grandparents, but they were totally in denial about what Kate was like but kept her worst excesses in check. It was not until they were old I asked them why they allowed her to treat me like it, and they said it was because she was their daughter and others in our very close knit traveller community would have ostracized them.

 

I left at 14 and talked to her intermittently as I tried to come up with reasons why she was like she was, ie. trapped in a repressive community, young mother etc. but our contacts although starting well would go rapidly down hill within half an hour. In the end I realised it was nothing I could dig for and I didn't want to, I last spoke to her when my gran died, I let her stay with me and eventually had to kick her out as she started all the old behaviour. I feel I did everything I could with her to move on from the past, but she couldn't.

 

I have strived to stop this affecting me as I have got older but find it very difficult at times and feel guilty.

 

My wonderful OH has helped me cometo terms with a lot of it. My son has had contact with Kate while he grew up , but eventually he chose not to because of how she behaved.

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he plays Mr nice guy really well and is believable and I dont know that I can compete with that.

 

With me what you see is what you get and thats all there is to it. Im not into playing games and I dont know if Ive got what it takes to keep fighting him cos its wearing me down and I just feel like crying. I thought by now things would be getting better but theyre not.

 

But they WILL Katie! I promise you. My ex sounds like a clone of yours. Its been pretty well documented on here some of the things he,s done to me, BUT Im feeling much stronger now, even though I went through the same feelings as you are about not being able to keep fighting. If you dont fight, he wins. If you do fight, YOU might win, but even if you dont, you,ll know you gave it your all.

I lost big-time to chipdick. NO house, NO maintenence, NO paying back of the money he stole from me and Mum, The Judge sided with him for some reason. But Im still glad I stood my ground.

 

Dont give up Katie, I know its easy for someone else to say, but Ive been there, and Im coming through it. So can you. When it comes down to it, these idiots DEPEND on us not being strong enough. Because deep down they are weak. You can do it, we,ll all help you and be there for you :GroupHug:

 

:ohmy: :GroupHug: :GroupHug: elricc. Thats terrible. :(

 

Sam, Ash is a smart cookie :flowers:

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I wasn't sure if you meant Ashling Sam but either way, what a tough and brave decision for such a young person...

 

It must be so hard for parents... another friend of mine has a son by a junkie/lout/good-for-nothing ****** and she sees her son being used and let down constantly because she wants him to make his own decision and not intefere... her heart breaks each time he is let down by his useless **** of a father but she never wants to be used as a pawn in his dad;s evil game... so heartbreaking but he's coming to the same conclusion, he's only 11 but his father has used and manipulated him so much he now is starting to see through it... :(

 

God bless my own very wonderful parents :wub:

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But they WILL Katie! I promise you. My ex sounds like a clone of yours. Its been pretty well documented on here some of the things he,s done to me, BUT Im feeling much stronger now, even though I went through the same feelings as you are about not being able to keep fighting. If you dont fight, he wins. If you do fight, YOU might win, but even if you dont, you,ll know you gave it your all.

I lost big-time to chipdick. NO house, NO maintenence, NO paying back of the money he stole from me and Mum, The Judge sided with him for some reason. But Im still glad I stood my ground.

 

Dont give up Katie, I know its easy for someone else to say, but Ive been there, and Im coming through it. So can you. When it comes down to it, these idiots DEPEND on us not being strong enough. Because deep down they are weak. You can do it, we,ll all help you and be there for you :GroupHug:

 

 

what an inspirational post :flowers:

 

don't look at what you will lose in monetary terms look at what you stand to gain with the freedom to live your life as you want with no one controlling what you do or who you see etc. Because that will make you a winner every time :GroupHug:

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I was in an abusive marriage for 6 years. I find it really hard to talk about (apart from on here for some reason). I'm still embarrassed about it now, and jokes are made by family about my stupid choice and it makes things worse.

 

I met him when I was 17. I'd had a big fight with my Mum, who'd half kicked me out (I was too stubborn to go back and apologise, so really I left). He was in the pub. I'd gone there after a flat had fallen through and was very low and didn't know where to go.

 

I stayed at his flat the night I met him - his "mates" re people I knew and everyone was crashing there. After that I never lived at home again. Standards of living were poor, but I was only "crashing" there and thought I'd end up making up with Mum and Dad and going home. Then I got pregnant and that was that idea out of the window - Mum and Dad begged me to come home, but by that point I *thought* I was in love (really it was a strong sense of guilt and pity). He was very clingy from the start - constantly talking about his poor relationship with his mum and stepdad and how he ended up in care.

 

He first hit me when Chris was 1. I was depressed and angry and very low about living with someone who wouldn't let me go out, work or meet friends. I started the fight - he ended it by holding me up off the floor by my throat, against the kitchen wall. He punched me in the face and blacked my eye. The neighbours heard my screams and phoned the police. When the police came, I was in the bathroom franticly washing my face thinking it would take away the bruise so they wouldn't see. He let them in the bathroom to talk to me but wouldn't let go of my hand and wouldn't let me speak. The police couldn't do anything and left, and it all went downhill from there.

 

What was odd was that I always thought I'd asked for it with my big gob (which I did to be fair). I fell pregnant with Dan and after one hiding in the early stages I nearly lost him (I could have lost a twin apparently). That was the worst time. I had my head repeatedly slammed in the front door - it snapped the corner of my jaw off. After the sexing scan he pushed me down the stairs because I'd made another boy. Dan was born poorly and things settled down a bit. We moved house and things picked up for a while.

 

Then I started getting braver - making friends. We were living closer to family - he didn't like that. But he did calm down for a while - so much so we married and had another child, Connie (thank f*ck she was a girl). She was the apple of his eye, he wouldn't put her down. He didn't have two words for the boys, both of whom had physical problems (Dan his health, Chris his arm).

 

He let me get a job, as long as he had the bank card. We had to have a joint account, I wasn't alowed my own. Work was fantastic, but coming home was always hard. I had a lot of overtime and once didn't see the kids properly for nearly a week because I left before they got up and came home after they were in bed.

 

One weekend we had a fight. I hid in the bathroom but he kicked a hole through the door and got in and beat and raped me. He carried on even though he'd beat me so hard and scared me so much I was vomiting and dazed as he did it.

 

When I came too, I just had to carry on as normal. He'd told me if I left he'd find me and tell social services I was insane and have the kids taken away to his family. Within a couple of days he beat me up again, this time Dan was watching from the stairs when his Dad pinned me on the floor and strangled me. I didn't know this til recently.

 

What has stayed with me since is what came next. I didn't leave him (although I think it had come to that). He left me. I've not got past that really. I can't believe I didn't leave him, he left me. He went to another 17 year old girl who he'd met online (and who looked identical to how I had as a 17 year old) and started all over again. We've never seen him since, although I've had contact from people who have, and he was apparently giving them to sob story.

 

Since he left, someone came forward and told me they'd witnessed him beating Chris before he left. Chris had just had surgery and had a cast on his arm. He had lifted Chris up by his cast and belted him round the head. If I'd known that when it happened, I think I would've actually killed him.

 

But, it's all over and done with now. I was very lucky in that we've never seen him since - but it doesn't half get on my tits when I hear people say that my kids should have a relationship with their "natural" father, as there wasn't anything "natural" about him. :dry:

 

Now I've focused on all the depressing stuff (if you haven't nodded off) I want to tell the nice bit.

 

Baz and I were together when I was young, before I met my ex hubby. I dumped him because he got clingy and I fancied this lad who had a motorbike. :D His brother married my sister. When my ex left, noone could help. My family were abroad or down here in Yorkshire. Baz stepped in and organised everything for my house mov - even drove up in a hire van with his mate and his brother to move me down here. He was my best friend. I didn't think I'd ever trust a bloke again, but things slotted into place and I fell in love for the first time in my life. After a year he moved in, and he's raised the kids as his own for the last 5 years. On November 4th (Mischief Night appropriately), we'll have been boyfriend and girlfriend 6 years, but it feels like forever (in a nice, comfy, sexy, gorgeous way). Because of his eyes he doesn't want kids of his own biologically, so it feels like this was the way things were meant to be - a readymade family. I couldn't be without him - no that's not true, I've changed since my ex so I could - I just never wantto be. :wub:

 

Thanks Baz.

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I have just read the posts on this thread with tears pouring down my cheeks. :mecry: :GroupHug: For those of you that are out the other side.

 

For those of you that read this thread and think "that is what is happening to me", please, please for your sanities sake, somehow go and stay with family/friends, whoever.

 

Don't let anyone bully you, force you into doing something you don't want to do etc. :GroupHug: :GroupHug:

 

Kazz xxx

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Thanks for all the good wishes guys...I really appreciate them :flowers:

 

After I posted my self-pitying ramblings earlier I went in to try to edit it away cos I felt a bit embarrassed but it wouldnt let me...said I didnt have authority to edit it :unsure:

 

Its nice to know that you are there...I normally manage to keep things in check pretty well but its been a really crap few weeks. It was my littlee boy Jareds 5th birthday last Tuesday but hes not here cos he was stillborn full term...his loss doesnt rule my life cos things have to go on for my other 2 kids but I do think about him a lot and it really hurts on special days cos theres a big hole there. What really gets me is that my lovely ex rang up the night before being really nice and I stupidly ended up sucked in by him and even cried while he was on the phone...then a few days later I got the papers about the custody hearing and he hadnt even told me he was gonna file them.

 

By the way...when it suits him he uses having a dead child as a sympathy winner yet about 8 months ago he said to me "no wonder you had a dead child its what you deserve"

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