Controlling Relationships

[cheryl33]

to you all

Have just read through this and I've got tears streaming down my face.

 

I sit here sometimes feeling sorry for myself but this thread has made me feel so ashamed of myself for the things i moan about, while some very brave women and their kids and animals have gone through things like this.

 

I've got nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for you all.

[Kats inc]

Thank you for nominating this.It means a lot to think it's helped

 

I was umming and ahhing about adding to it but didn't want to over the period we're all supposed to be festive and jolly and also think it's a lot to trawl through so will start a new fred with a quiz type website that I know a few people have found really helpful.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

I just want to make sure that Rick doesn't delete this thread!

 

Four years ago at this time I was plotting my escape, entirely as a result of reading what Jules wrote here. It seems amazing that I hadn't seen my situation clearly before, but then our controllers are very good at distorting the view. This thread turned my life around, so totally that the only thing still in it is Tiger, and my children, of course.

 

Unfortunately the link to the checklist has gone now - but there are others on the web if you feel one would be useful.

 

Thank you again, Jules, we've never met, but I owe you so much.

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

Thanks for bumping this Ruthi , I agree its a fantastic thread and well worth a read

 

 

yes please to another checklist link

[greys mum]

I am so glad that this thread is still about. Because I have been wanting to thank Jules for a long time for starting the thread.

 

This time last year my younger daughter was in a relationship that I really wasn't happy about. She was sinking into depression and I had the feeling that her boyfriend had very close traits to my ex. But, at the same time I knew that anything I said would make things worse, or could drive them out of the house where I wouldn't be able to be there for her. So I said that I had got something that I wanted her to read and sat her down to read this thread. Within the hour he was out of the house. The electrical items and furniture (in her bedroom) could be replaced. He was very clever and was only smashing things up when I was at work. The rest of the time he was mister nice guy.

 

It was this thread that opened her eyes and gave her the strength to tell him to go. It also gave her the knowledge that the next relationship was no better!!!! She has come through a stronger person.

So thanks Jules.

 

I don't think that this thread should ever be deleted, because there is always someone that it could help. Be they male or female.

Edited March 10, 2010 by greys mum

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

I like this checklist here

 

 

Remember, you don't have to have a tick next to every single item! If your partner/parent/boss/child is making you feel bad about yourself then you need to think carefully whether this is really what you want!

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

This checklist HERE!!!

[Kats inc]

This checklist HERE!!!

 

 

That's a good check list, thanks

 

One improvement I can talk about which may prove useful for people to know about are the implementation of MARACs,multi agency risk assessment conferences.They are centered around the woman as a 'victim' (sorry hate that word) and designed to support her in any situation be that to stay in the home or escape via a refuge or alternative accomodation.They can put plans in place such as extra police visits, more home security such as panic alarms, safe rooms etc, specialist support via independant domestic violence advocates (IDVAs),help with legal action such as non molestation orders (what used to be a restraining order) and lots of other stuff like mental health input for the perpetrator etc.

 

One of the questions we ask is if there has ever been an attempt to strangle or grab around the throat in any way. This is seen as a big risk indicator so please if this has ever happened to you then consider seeking help

More info re MARACs here

 

Anyone can refer into them and you can self refer if you want to or go via your local police or IDVA.

 

I attend ours regularly so if you want to discuss anything at all please PM me

[safneo]

I got my 16yr daughter to send that list to her friend. She is no longer in her relationship with her boyfriend, and though devastated at losing him, she will be better off in the long term and not have to suffer years of what others have had to.

 

Now she has the chance of a normal happy two sided relationship :-D

[Laura_E]

I am also really glad that you bumped this thread as I have only been on this forum for a year and would never have seen this otherwise. I can't believe how many people have experienced domestic violence, it's quite shocking.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't always stop once you finally find the courage/strength to leave. I have contacted the police several times in the last year and have been told that they can do nothing to help. Like most of you, I worry more about something happening to those that I care about than myself. Forget about ever getting into another relationship as I would be too worried about the person ending up dead. I know it sounds ridiculous and melodramatic, but to me it's a strong reality.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

I am also really glad that you bumped this thread as I have only been on this forum for a year and would never have seen this otherwise. I can't believe how many people have experienced domestic violence, it's quite shocking.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't always stop once you finally find the courage/strength to leave. I have contacted the police several times in the last year and have been told that they can do nothing to help. Like most of you, I worry more about something happening to those that I care about than myself. Forget about ever getting into another relationship as I would be too worried about the person ending up dead. I know it sounds ridiculous and melodramatic, but to me it's a strong reality.

 

I was amazed by how many people I met had experienced violence and/or bullying - I reckon its around one in ten - at least!

 

Laura, I moved, and then changed my name just to be sure. I'm still really careful where I allow myself to be visible, no Facebook for me! Its not perfect, but most of the time I feel safe (and feel that Tiger is safe too). But every so often I see someone in the distance and panic - I think that is probably with me for life!

 

New service sounds good, Jules, at least in theory. I found that because I left before the violence escalated to the point where I presented at A & E, the police were polite, but not exactly excited about my plight. Moving and disappearing was the easiest way for me.

[Laura_E]

I admire you for finding the strength to move away and start again. I think it takes a very strong person to do that.

 

I feel like a bit of a fraud now for joining in on this thread as I was only in that relationship for 2 years-I wasn't married and there were no children involved. It sounds like the rest of you have had much worse experiences.

 

Apart from a couple of violent incidents, the majority of the problems in my relationship were emotional ones. Little things that sound silly now in comparrison to what the rest of you have been through.

 

There were certain friends that I wasn't allowed to see and if I did then there would be hell to pay. Then we went to New York for a holiday and following an arguement he took both sets of keys, my passport and purse and left- knowing that I wouldn't be able to get back into the hotel room if I tried to leave. After 12 hours spent in the room alone, he finally turned up steaming drunk.

 

Then when my sister got married I was bridesmaid of honour and had to sit at the head table next to the best man. My boyfriend spent the entire dinner glaring at me, so I didn't dare to even make polite conversation. Then when it came to the first dance I was supposed to join in and dance with the best man, but was told in no uncertain terms that I wasn't 'allowed' and my cousin had to take over instead. It was quite embarrassing as everybody thought that I was the one making a big deal out of it.

 

One night he tried to throttle me in the pub because I gave my friend (male) a kiss on the cheek when I first arrived. I hadn't seen him in over a year and it was literally just a friendly peck, but in my boyfriends mind I was a total tart and was secretly in love with him! That was actually the night that things came to a head and whilst he was throttling me something clicked in my mind and I ended up headbutting him- which knocked him to the floor and I was able to get away.

 

There were various other incidents, but those are the ones that stick out in my mind for some reason.

 

All of my friends were totally shocked whilst all this was going on as I am normally a strong person- mentally and physically, but I had become totally withdrawn and downtrodden. It's strange how much one person can completely change who you are. But at the time he convinced me that I was responsible for making him act in that way. He would also deny that things were ever as bad as I had made them out to be (as he often drunk when these incidents happened). After a while you start to believe that it is your fault.

 

I also felt like a bit of a fraud at work as I was giving out relationship advice to the young people that I worked with whilst putting up with all this rubbish at home. But at the time I never saw any comparrison between my situation and theirs because my boyfriend was well educated and much better at manipulation.

 

On a more positive note, although the harrassment is still on-going now (a year later), I feel like I have more-or-less returned to the person that I was before. I am also very lucky to have fantastic friends that look out for me.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

You are not a fraud, Laura, its just that each experience is different - and there's no competition to see who suffered the most! I personally was only hit once, and then not that badly but he'd reduced me to a frightened mouse who took the blame for everything, he'd split me from almost all my friends, and hated my family.

 

If he made you feel that you were useless, in the wrong, had no rights, embarrassed you in front of friends and family, or split you from them, with or without violence its abuse. You have survived and come out stronger, and with stronger relationships with your friends and family. Sadly, because he's charming and educated (no class barriers in the world of abuse!) he'll soon find another victim and for a little while it will make him feel better.

[Jazz]

massive, massive hugs to every one of you.

Ive been through it, come out the other side physically, but mentally its still there sometimes, and its been 11 years the end of this month.

But im happy. The boys know him for who and what he is, without me having to say anything. hes embarassed himself in front of the boys friends, so they dont see him much now.

 

we can be here for one another and show we can be strong

 

[Kats inc]

One night he tried to throttle me in the pub because I gave my friend (male) a kiss on the cheek when I first arrived. I hadn't seen him in over a year and it was literally just a friendly peck, but in my boyfriends mind I was a total tart and was secretly in love with him! That was actually the night that things came to a head and whilst he was throttling me something clicked in my mind and I ended up headbutting him- which knocked him to the floor and I was able to get away.

 

There were various other incidents, but those are the ones that stick out in my mind for some reason.

 

All of my friends were totally shocked whilst all this was going on as I am normally a strong person- mentally and physically, but I had become totally withdrawn and downtrodden. It's strange how much one person can completely change who you are. But at the time he convinced me that I was responsible for making him act in that way. He would also deny that things were ever as bad as I had made them out to be (as he often drunk when these incidents happened). After a while you start to believe that it is your fault.

 

I also felt like a bit of a fraud at work as I was giving out relationship advice to the young people that I worked with whilst putting up with all this rubbish at home. But at the time I never saw any comparrison between my situation and theirs because my boyfriend was well educated and much better at manipulation.

 

On a more positive note, although the harrassment is still on-going now (a year later), I feel like I have more-or-less returned to the person that I was before. I am also very lucky to have fantastic friends that look out for me.

 

The fact that he tried to throttle you indicates that you were (and probably are) at risk from this man Don't feel that what you went through was any less than anyone else,it's all a living hell when you're going through it for each and every person.

 

I would try contacting your nearest bigger police station and finding our where the nearest Family Protection Unit is based,they are often a lot more help that local police.They might also be called a Domestic Violence Unit or Public Protection Unit.But they deal with DV all the time so are more clued up on helping,local police tend not to be so knowlegable sadly.

 

If you want help getting protection you could also try contacting National Centre for Domestic Violence who can help you get a non -molestation order if the harrassment is still continuing

 

Glad you're getting back to being you,it's a fab feeling isn't it

 

I recently celebrated 10 years of ex abuser free life but I still have my moments of fear and anxiety.I don't think that fear ever truly leaves you even though it does 99.9% of the time.