How To Cope When Your Oh Is Depressed

[K9Fran]

I don't know how much more I can take.

 

My first marriage broke up when I asked OH to give me and our son some space, because his withdrawal and temper tantrums were dragging the whole family down - he responded by seeing a solicitor the following day and suing for divorce - the grounds being my unreasonable behaviour.

 

Now OH#2 is doing the self same thing - he's got himself in a hole and is convinced I am the reason, because I won't go along with his 'fantisies/fetishes'. I used to do what I could but found myself getting increasingly stressed, possibly because I was raped by a boyfriend when I was 18. I've sought counselling to help me come to terms with it, but OH is pushing me to get involved again, and because I don't yet feel ready, he is withdrawing.

 

The problem is, i understand that the blaming somebody else is part of being depressed, as is being angry, frustrated etc (I'm currently taking anti depressants myself), but he won't talk to me about it.

[JulesB]

I don't know what to say really as I have no experience of what you are going through, but didn't want to be one of those people who view a thread and don't respond.

 

Do you think he really is depressed, or is he just plain annoyed because you won't go along with what he wants? Even if he is depressed, it's not right for someone to try and make you do something you are not happy with

[owl]

I can't offer any advice and am pants at relationships anyway. But it sounds to me as if you are being manipulated which is enough to depress anybody I don't know that blaming others is a sign of depression, I think it is a way of using depression as a weapon.

[Mags]

As someone who suffers from depression, I can't say I've ever blamed anyone for how I feel. Situations yes, but not people.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but he needs to cop onto himself as it doesn't sound like depression to me either and he's not very understanding of your past if he's treating you like that.

 

Wish I had some advice for you

[scotslass]

I think you're the one who needs support and sympathy - you shouldn't be feeling you're not "ready" for the things he wants...it's enough that you don't want them now.

 

He has no right to make you feel guilty, or responsible for catering to his "needs", either. That's his problem, and he has to deal with it.

 

Seriously, try to get some proper therapeutic support - your situation sounds pretty serious to me. I think you need to look at learning how to care for yourself, before you worry about caring for another adult.

 

Think about whether your own needs are being met in this relationship - at the moment it sounds as though the emphasis is on your OH's. You are entitled to feel safe, free, and cherished - and above all, you should be able to be yourself - and that includes the right to change your mind about things you want to take part in.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

As a life long depressive I can say that blaming others is not necessarily a part of depression - in fact depressives are much more likely to blame themselves.

 

Blaming you is childish immature and unfair. And expecting you to take part in his fantasies and fetishes when you don't want to is the same. You are NOT responsible for his problems, he is.

 

Have a quick search for the 'controlling relationships' thread that was on this board some years back. My experience of a controlling man was that everything was my fault - whether it was or not.

 

:GroupHug:

 

Ruth

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

I have bumped up the controlling relationships advice thread as it is a wealth of information

 

the link is here http://www.therefugeforums.org.uk/forums/index.php?/topic/2768-controlling-relationships/

[chickentikka]

He's not depressed, he's being manipulative and is punishing you because he can't get his own way. You don't get depressed because your wife won't live out your fetishes.

 

He should be supporting you if you are depressed and bending over backwards to make home a nice safe haven for you, not messing with your head even more with his emotional blackmail.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I wasted nearly 20 years of my life having my strings pulled by a controllling sociopath and I'd hate to think of anyone else going through the same ordeal

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

sorry double posted , please read the other thread and speak to someone who can help you

Edited November 16, 2010 by Happylittlegreensquirrel

[Hollysdad]

Sounds to me more like he is being a bit of a child. The whole I am depressed and it's your fault, but I will be ok if you play my games is rubbish. If he was really suffering depression then I feel certain that would be one of the last things on his mind. He is trying to guilt trip you, don't fall for it. Mark

[merledogs]

Obviously we dont' know the full story but it sounds to me like he's very selfish. He cares more about his needs than yours - nobody should be trying to coerce you into doing something which clearly makes you uncomfortable.

You on the other hand need support from him, and instead he's making you feel carp Are the anti depressants working, ie are you coping with your depression ok (apart from having to deal with your OH)?

 

Tell him if he really is depressed then he needs to go to the doctor and get professional help.

 

 

[murtle]

Let him withdraw, as hard as it is to watch it is not your fault or even your problem. Seperate his needs and wants from your own and work on what you need. He doesn't sound very supportive of you and that isn't good. No one should be co-oerced into doing something they don't want to and saying no is all it should take, and as an adult if he won't take no for an answer it sounds like he is being a spoilt brat and needs to wake up to himself.

 

A self diagnosis on his behalf may lead him down the wrong path for resolution.

 

Love and hugs

Mxxx

Edited November 17, 2010 by murtle

[collies r best]

 

This is a different thing but my sister's going through a messy break up with her husband.He is using depression as an excuse for his terrible behaviour and blaming my sister for everything when reality is that hes a manipulative piece of shite who didnt like it when my sister finally stood up to him.

Dont accept any blame, you've had a traumatic experience in the past and this barsteward should not put you under any kind of pressure

[BillyMalc]

I can only 100% agree with what everybody else has said. No matter what his condition is, your OH has no right to force you to do something you don't want and to blame you for his state of mind if you can't or won't comply with his wishes. He is (or should be!) a grown up man, not a child trying to get his way by throwing temper tantrums.

I've been struggling against getting dragged down by depression for a long time, and I'm another one who has never blamed anyone but herself for the situation she's found herself in. Look after yourself okay, and don't allow him to drag you down or guilt trip you into thinking that you're somehow to blame for his state of mind - you're NOT!

[suzeanna]

Some years ago now, my OH suffered from depression. He withdrew into himself, found nothing fun or enjoyable, didn't want to read his books or even play his computer games and most tellingly, he hardly wanted to touch me, let alone "act out his fantasies". Your OH isn't depressed, he's pee'd off because he can't have his own way and he's trying to make you feel guilty about it.

 

After one failed marriage that was in no way your fault I can understand you must be desperate to make sure this one works, but if he persists in behaving like this and if he won't go to counselling or something with you, you might be better off without him.