How To Cope When Your Oh Is Depressed

[lester]

A lot of the answer depends on what you mean by " going along with"

But first. I get the impression that the OH is to a degree in a "loner" situation. He must find himself a way of divorcing from the guilt/ . wicked / naughty aspect of the fetish involved. Has he sought out others with an interest in the same things. There is a an amazing network out there for all kind of enjoyments of this nature that offer straightforward social activities and support systems over and above the kinky stuff. ( including very cheap caravan camping)

There are many other partners that have found it easier to support a loved ones interests without any direct involvement and these usually form the basis for a worthwhile support systems and organise there own activities and form solid friendships as a result.. It is always really helpful to talk to someone that has gone through the same thing to put your ownfears into perspective. Keeping it all to yourself is marginally worse than discussing it with those that have no idea whatsover about the interest that people get into these days as we all live longer and can find those of kindred interest so easy via the electronic network.

[scotslass]

A lot of the answer depends on what you mean by " going along with"

But first. I get the impression that the OH is to a degree in a "loner" situation. He must find himself a way of divorcing from the guilt/ . wicked / naughty aspect of the fetish involved. Has he sought out others with an interest in the same things. There is a an amazing network out there for all kind of enjoyments of this nature that offer straightforward social activities and support systems over and above the kinky stuff. ( including very cheap caravan camping)

There are many other partners that have found it easier to support a loved ones interests without any direct involvement and these usually form the basis for a worthwhile support systems and organise there own activities and form solid friendships as a result.. It is always really helpful to talk to someone that has gone through the same thing to put your ownfears into perspective. Keeping it all to yourself is marginally worse than discussing it with those that have no idea whatsover about the interest that people get into these days as we all live longer and can find those of kindred interest so easy via the electronic network.

 

I've been wondering whether to respond to this post, but I can't just leave it, I'm afraid.

 

Why on earth should anyone have to accommodate a partner's sexual tastes if they don't want to be involved? Why should they feel coerced or bullied into going along with them? As others have said, it sounds very unlikely that this man is depressed - one of the first things to go is one's sexual appetite. He sounds like someone who wants something he can't have.

 

I don't happen to think we're entitled to a sex life which offends/disturbs/worries the person we live with. If his habits are so important to him that he can't be a loving partner without them, then he has a bit of a problem.

 

I actually think it's pretty repulsive to suggest that one partner should go along with the other's "wants" - because that's what they are (they certainly aren't needs) - even if that means "just" condoning his socialising with like-minded others. Why should she?

 

There are plenty of loving, fun, supportive, caring men out there who don't have a tick box of requirements to be met. I'd suggest the OP deserves one of them, but meantime she should perhaps give herself a break while she works out what her own needs are.

 

to the OP.

[lester]

I've been wondering whether to respond to this post, but I can't just leave it, I'm afraid.

 

Why on earth should anyone have to accommodate a partner's sexual tastes if they don't want to be involved? Why should they feel coerced or bullied into going along with them? As others have said, it sounds very unlikely that this man is depressed - one of the first things to go is one's sexual appetite. He sounds like someone who wants something he can't have.

 

I don't happen to think we're entitled to a sex life which offends/disturbs/worries the person we live with. If his habits are so important to him that he can't be a loving partner without them, then he has a bit of a problem.

 

I actually think it's pretty repulsive to suggest that one partner should go along with the other's "wants" - because that's what they are (they certainly aren't needs) - even if that means "just" condoning his socialising with like-minded others. Why should she?

 

There are plenty of loving, fun, supportive, caring men out there who don't have a tick box of requirements to be met. I'd suggest the OP deserves one of them, but meantime she should perhaps give herself a break while she works out what her own needs are.

 

to the OP.

 

I am glad you did. I see that you are suggesting that an interest in fetishes is the same as a "sex life ". Shame .

However to answer the point. I took the an approach that was non confrontational because I think that had it been financial /socially possible the relationship would have parted suddenly when this firsty cropped. There is therefore some reason for it continuing so its time top look for a middle ground , a way forward before to soils become deeply anguished. (Very old fashioned counselling training showing her but it was the 70s ) I get the impression that the "break" and " finding out her own needs" scenario are way back down the line judging by some of the phrases used and the fact that the plea is posted in such a place as this.

Its very easy to take sides and try and be judgemental from a lofty postion , but the OP is looking for help and I thinks it important to offer a fair and broadbased range of possibilities rathet than forcing her into a tight framework of predisposed conditioning, especially as she may actually act upon what she reads.

Sorry It wasnt me that followed the depression thread , that was in others posts.

I avoided it. Depression today has become a shibboleth of a uncaring system. Saying that this case revolves around Depression is about the same , but slightly less likely than saying it is a result of witchcraft;; (Come back R.D Lang all is forgiven, everyones gone freud)

And i have to stick up for "plenty of loving, fun, supportive, caring men out there" even if I refuse to be one. Most of them are looking for a relationship that may be seen as a bit old fashioned these days in which both parties enjoy pleasing the other.

[mooandboo]

in fact depressives are much more likely to blame themselves.

 

 

My OH suffered from depression some years ago, he saw himself and life as worthless, a bottomless pit, he never blamed me - I echo what others have said, please leave him to his sulks & manipulation and get some support for yourself :GroupHug:

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

Not sure if you are aware of this service in CMK

 

 

http://www.citycounsellingcentre.org.uk/index.htm

 

 

They are based at the Christ the Cornerstone Church near Marks and Spencers ( but they are not part of the Church ) its run by volunteer counsellors and they have a drop in service

[scotslass]

I am glad you did. I see that you are suggesting that an interest in fetishes is the same as a "sex life ". Shame .

 

Please don't patronise me. I am probably as old as you, with a working brain and a deal of life experience. We are not here as counsellors; we are people (mainly women) supporting each other.

 

Its very easy to take sides and try and be judgemental from a lofty postion

 

I'm certainly not advocating anything from my lofty position - my advice, like most here is based on my own experience (not sexual problems or fetishism or fantasy) - oppression by a self-centred partner and clinical depression (and no, the depression wasn't caused by him - it is mine, and mine to deal with).

 

Sorry It wasnt me that followed the depression thread , that was in others posts.

 

I know. I was trying to cut corners.

 

And i have to stick up for "plenty of loving, fun, supportive, caring men out there" even if I refuse to be one. Most of them are looking for a relationship that may be seen as a bit old fashioned these days in which both parties enjoy pleasing the other.

 

Yes, we know what "most men" are looking for. However, they aren't always terribly good at pleasing other people themselves - and I don't mean sexually. I am not a man-hating feminist - to coin a phrase - but I believe in equality. I don't believe that a woman or a man should endure a situation which contributes to their misery if it can be avoided. That's just martyrdom.

[scotslass]

Can I just add - I would nowadays always advocate a space to think when there's a probem in a relationship. Some people get enough space just by being with friends or extended family, and it puts things into perspective.

 

In my experience, when you're put under constant pressure by your partner and he's accusing you of all sorts, making you feel guilty and so on - you don't get that space. Either you're too low in mood to go anywhere and socialise normally, or your head is too full of "his stuff" for you to think straight.

 

That's why I think the OP needs help and support for herself, somewhere safe. It doesn't mean she won't choose to go on with her relationship; she may do, after she's had time to think about it.

[K9Fran]

Thank you everyone for your input. I can understand how women in physically abusive relationships put up with it. At least I have the weapons to fight this one.

 

I'm a much stronger person now than I was when I first met him, so he's got two choices - take the new me, or walk, and he doesn't want to walk.

 

We had a good chat yesterday, and he's decided to stay.

 

We are working round ways of doing things that he likes AND things that I like - one of the biggest problems being that I work 09.00 - 15.30 and he works 24/7 shifts, and we have two teenage sons, so 'grown up time' on our own is very limited, and money has been tight too. but we're in the middle of remortgaging, and that should leave some funds free for a 'night of debaurchary' or similar in a local hotel once a month....

 

Did I mention he's also a cross dresser?

 

I have been having counselling for these issues, and he's agreed to come to me to one of the counselling organisations that Littlegreensquirrel posted about, so hopefully that will get him back into the habit of talking to me about things. As a couple, we are very 'independent' and tend to rely on each other for friendship, luckily my boss is also a good friend and open minded, and he's helped me a lot over the last few days to stay strong.

 

Men! Why can't they be 'normal' like us women?

[suzeanna]

I hope things get better between you quickly As for being a cross dresser..so what? don't you know any women who wear trousers, or even a full suit with a shirt and tie because it's fashionable? It wouldn't bother me if my OH was one, so long as he didn't go out looking like Lily Savage! I saw a programme once about a couple who run a shop which caters for men who cross dress..larger size shoes, etc...and they said plenty come in with their wives or girlfriends to get the opinion before they buy things.

[K9Fran]

As for being a cross dresser..so what? don't you know any women who wear trousers, or even a full suit with a shirt and tie because it's fashionable? It wouldn't bother me if my OH was one, so long as he didn't go out looking like Lily Savage!

 

But what if your OH didn't want to be a cross dresser? what if he didn't want the information to be shared amongst family and friends, so when he did something really stupid (like leaving an earring out - I don't wear earrings) or 'borrowed' some of your clothes when you'd asked him not to.

 

And believe me, it's different to women who wear trousers (as I do most of the time), very different.

 

I didn't think it would bother me, I was used to men dressing up in Am Dram, but when it's 'your man' who wants to share you with another 'woman' it's very different.

[lester]

T .

 

" Did I mention he's also a cross dresser?"

 

I am intending to help the OP here I dont really want to get bogged down on useless manderings with any one else.

 

There is something called the Beaufort Society, that has been going for years, that has a section to help the wives of Crossdressers. A bit old fashioned but useful.

 

How out is he as a CD? does he go to Tranny events (BNO etc), meet others privately or just stay "in the closet" You dont have to answer. But if it has been going on afor a long time and he is well enbedded it is rather a brick wall situation unless he really agrees to a change for your sake. If its just a bit of a silly pastime , one of the problems of shiftwork ; things may be a little easier.

 

However my major concern is that it is not actually purely a clothing related problem. There are a number of conditions that can cause this as a side effect. He need to take a test known as a kerotype which counts the chromosomes. These do not always effect procration , but do have other effects on parts of the body. The most common is known as Klinefelters syndrome and is because of an extra x My link it was used as an indication of criminality in the 60s, but everyone is a bit wiser mow. It is an indciator for heart disease ,osteporosis as well as mental problems and early identification has helpe many preclude this.

Mad rages ,blank moments and recourse to violent tempers are very strong signs of this condition, to such a degree that the syndrome is now accepted as a defence for murder in the US.

I would really suggest having this looked into as soon as possible.

If you can get the PM system to work , feel free to ask me anything.

 

I

[K9Fran]

Interesting stuff Lester, thanks for that. He is already a member of the BS. His crossdressing takes the form of 'female impersonation' - he likes to look as much like a woman as he can for a few hours every couple of months. He's the father of at least 3 and possibly 4 boys, so as 95% of men with the condition you described are infertile, it would truly make almost one in a million if he had it.

 

Things are going fairly well at the moment. He still wants to rush ahead with me being involved with his fetishes, but I am ensuring I am going to take my own time and not be pressured.

Edited November 22, 2010 by K9Fran