BilRed Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I reversed my car into a bollard when I went to Citizens Advice I'm sure it might not be the best decision to go away but part of me wants to have a blummin good holiday. Why not with Steve? We can still make each other laugh and we both know we've neglected enjoying life. Emily will be here soon and is VERY good at giving me a reality check and she's seen me go through this sort of thing before so she'll soon tell me how things really are! Oh, and he's agreed to leave the standing order in place for three months so, for now, that's a huge relief. Right now, the black clouds have cleared a little bit but I'm very conscious that I might be desperately hoping for a reconcilation but I really do know, and told Steve, that I wouldn't turn the clock back a week. Things need to be different for both of us. Whether together or apart. I really don't want to think long term and my only concern is that he'll be trying to map out his future and make all the decisions now, like he always did. I expect the bollard deserved it, sneaky little feckers Please don't feel that because of what I said that if you do this I'll be sat here thinking you're a fool, I will be willing it to work out for you with all my heart So glad you are feeling a little better now EAT SOMETHING!! and take a good multi vitamin too, just to help your body along for a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachy Posted July 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I'm having another black moment. Today feels hard again. I went out last night with my friend, Emily, and we visited an old work colleague who is wise but outlandish. We all used to work together, Steve included. My old wise friend's advice was that if I love him, believe in the relationship, then just propose Steve has been going on and on about getting married and having a family, even in recent weeks, but I've always said I wouldn't get married again. What a lie, I would if he still wanted me. I was always just too lazy to think about the paperwork for a divorce from my ex and it's years and years overdue. I think I was always worried that one of us would feel trapped too, like I did when I was married. A small, quite small in fact, part of me thinks the advice should be taken and I can't lose anything but the major part of me thinks he'd run a mile if he thinks I'm trying to push him into something so concrete. I sat up chatting with Emily until 1am and slept until 4am. She happened to be having an hypo just as I woke up so we sat in the same bed and chatting for a couple of hours. Then she had to leave quickly because her girlfriend has been very ill, had a bad night and has to get tested for swine flu straight away I think that, possibly due to my lack of sleep, I'm even more confused today about my Dad talking to Steve. When he left yesterday, we'd agreed to go away next week, to have some fun and not to think about the future, just today. He's supposed to be coming back tonight for a chat, whatever I suppose. Nothing heavy. I'm worried that if he meets my Dad before coming over then he won't come and will back out of the break away next week. I'm worried that my Dad will make him visit places in his heart and head that he'd rather run from. It might be for the best though. On the flipside, if I can keep it light hearted and fun, not heavy duty chats about the past, then we might be able to rekindle some of the fantastic times we had which will help him see there's still something there. I'm scared he'll have the control though and I'll be doing too much boinging around to look fun and cheerful. I am normally like that, honest, but I just don't feel like it right now. God, I'm so absolutely confused. I think the thread needs a voting poll. My Dad to meet Steve or not? I'm sorry for the constant outpouring of emotion. I know I think about things far too much but it feels hard to do much else at the moment when I'm left with one huge question...why? Thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nettie Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Kelly, I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this. you possibly feel the way you do due to lack of sleep, why don't you try a siesta before Steve comes over? Have you got some rescue remedy you can take to try and relax you a bit? Only you and Steve can decide what is best for the both of you, you've had some really wise advice particularly that you have to do what is right for Kelly, when you're feeling right then the rest will fall into place, with or without Steve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendbert Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Kelly, don't apologise In a strange way, writing out here how you are feeling, what's going through your mind etc might be helpful and we're all here to support you, whatever you decide to do, how ever things turn out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Kelly, feel free to ignore my advice, but if it were me, I wouldn't think about proposing right now If the relationships is meant to work out, then it will and there will be plenty of time for a proposal (at at time when you are feeling much happier about life!) in the future. If things are meant to work out with Steve, then they will, whether your dad talks to him, whether you go away, whether you talk lots, whether you have some time apart. I very firmly believe that. Just focus on looking after yourself and see where things go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 On the flipside, if I can keep it light hearted and fun, not heavy duty chats about the past, then we might be able to rekindle some of the fantastic times we had which will help him see there's still something there. I'm scared he'll have the control though and I'll be doing too much boinging around to look fun and cheerful. I am normally like that, honest, but I just don't feel like it right now. Sounds to me that you're doing all the work here. Why should you have to put on a cheery act to convince him your relationship is worth saving? What about him making you feel loved, no matter how you're feeling? At the moment, he does have control, but only because you're letting him have it. You're concentrating on his needs - and so is he. I still think you need a dispassionate ear (counsellor) - no matter how good their motive, other peoples can only give you their opinion (and I include myself). What you need is to find out what your opinion is - once you've recovered from this immediate crisis, and have started to eat and sleep properly, you'll be in a better place to work on that. Give yourself time and try not to panic. Please look after yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackmagic Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I'm sorry for the constant outpouring of emotion. I know I think about things far too much but it feels hard to do much else at the moment when I'm left with one huge question...why? Thanks for listening Why? I think that is what you are searching for? Because you don't know why, you can't understand why. Steve may be able to explain to your dad, if he can't explain to you. Until you can understand why I don't think you can move forward , in either direction. Do you want Steve back because you love him, or because you are frightened of being without him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amanda Jvv Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 (edited) Sorry you are in the position, I just echo all the advice and support on here. I think its really hard to move forward or even think about next steps when you just don't understand what went wrong. I think that it is admirable that he is willing to honour his financial commitment to you when you made decisions together. However the honourable thing from him would also be to give you some real answers/ explanation. I hope he is able to do that to your Dad. Man to man if you like. Above all else, remember you are not alone and feel free to pour emotion/ ranting/ venting - whatever you like on here. It really does help to get it out and sometimes when things are so confusing it helps to have a voice (or several) with a different perspective. Edited July 14, 2009 by Amanda Jvv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Houndwoman Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 You have had a terrible shock and the pain and hurt will be with you for a good while but you will learn to live with it, you have to and I hope in the future you will be posting and telling us how good life is and that you are back on track and getting on with your life. Keep your good friends close and they will help you. However, if you get back together again that would be great as I am sure that is what you really want and I hope you can both sort it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I think at this point you both need to be honest with each other. It's hard when you're confused to know how you feel/what you think and it's so tiring. Just be yourself not someone you think he wants you to be. Otherwise you'll be tying yourself up in knots to try to come across how you think he wants you to. And you could have that all wrong. It's not always good to pretend one thing instead of another for fear of losing someone. It can have the opposite affect. There is nothing wrong with you. This isn't anyone's fault. He sounds as though he's unsure himself as parts of what you've said are contradictory. I thought he didn't want to be restricted by living with you and the dogs, yet he's an airline pilot so must be away from home a fair bit? Plus he has said in the past he wanted marriage and the works with you. Maybe he's going through a funny spell. We all question things from time to time as nothing stays the same. I wonder if he would go to relate with you? If he isn't certain he wants to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 (edited) I expect the bollard deserved it, sneaky little feckers Sorry Kelly but I just couldn't help but at this one I'm sorry for the constant outpouring of emotion. I know I think about things far too much but it feels hard to do much else at the moment when I'm left with one huge question...why? Thanks for listening If I were sat listening to you now I think I'd probably have replied something like "Right now it really hurts and what you'd really like to do is ask Steve Why?" But text is sometimes a hard medium to guage so I'm sorry if I read you wrongly. Either way I don't think you need to be sorry about what you've posted or feeling emotional right now. Although it's probably not something I'd tend to do myself (a man thing or just me?) talking or even simply writing down your feelings can help many people Easier said then done I know but do keep smiling if you can Edited July 14, 2009 by Ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus the wonderdog Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 Sending you some more Kelly Know exactly how you are feeling right now. Please take care of yourself, above and before anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachy Posted July 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 I did something really stupid yesterday evening. I rang Steve and asked him if he wanted to go to Bournemouth, have a giggle like we used to, stay in a hotel and drive back today. He was surprised I asked and then agreed. We went to a lovely restaurant that holds a lot of sentimental value to us both. Everything just clicked and we both realised how special it was. Then I pushed Steve too far when I was chatting in the early hours of this morning and he said he can't commit to anything, still thinks it's over and that he's scared. We then said how we both felt, quite honestly, and described how good and bad we made each other feel. We walked along the beach holding hands and agreed that we'd be best friends and always love one another. We both feel so strongly for each other. I know I've struck a chord with him but how he'll react when he's doing too much thinking is something I don't know. I know I've made him think but when we went separate ways this morning, we hugged and said what will be, will be. I have no idea when I'll hear from him again, if I ever will. I MUST stay strong and not call him. I'm so scared the next time I hear from him will be to say he wants to collect the final things from the house. My Dad is on his way round now to give me a much needed hug. All of my emotions have come out. Again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted July 15, 2009 Report Share Posted July 15, 2009 You've let a door open for him. Try your best not to ring him or he could feel pressurised and back right off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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