akitas Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I wouldn't call a woman who has an affiar with an "attached" man a slut. When I met my now ex partner, he told me he still lives with his girl friend, but they did split up. How am I to check if that is true. So any man/woman could say something similar if they are out and looking for fun. When I was in a relationship with the above mentioned guy he suddenly went off with somebody else, which must have started before we split up. Which leads sort of to the conclusion he told her that our relationship was over, or she just didn't care. Anyway, when I was married, I finished my relationship with my husband and wasn't even interested in finding anybody new, I just wanted my life back. But it seems for some people unbearable to be on their own and they need the security of a new relationship before they can finish the existing one. I am not saying it is right or wrong, there are too many individual exprience and circumstances leading to having and affair. I was on the other side and I took him back after his affair, but the trust was gone and it was very, very difficult to start all over again. In the end we failed and he had already somebody else lined up to fill the gap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heva Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 i have been at both end of this....... i was with a guy for a short while (must say there was no sex tho) and i didnt knwo at first that he was engaged and when i did i have to be honest i was that blinded by things i tried to ignore it! but after some reality checking i realised he was never going to leave her so off i went!!!! i then went out with a bloke form work for a while........split up as it wasnt working my being his boss (hehehe.........was funny tho) i found out he slept with min 6 people behind my back!!! to say i was gutted is an understatment!!!! but he has paid!!!!! current bloke (well prob not now....long story) has said he desnt cheat....never has and if he ever had the urge he would call me and say its over as whats point beingwith someone if your willing to do that to them! i get what he means, but ant help but think i would rather he did it then next day said soemthing......as everytime he goes out with boys and phone rings i crap myself!!! lol.............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babsc71 Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I don't mean to add to your (justified) anger but... It's always the woman's fault? Men are so pathetic they can't resist? That's pretty insulting to all the men who don't behave like that. Great excuse, though, if you can get away with it. Liz. I was only referring to my OH. I also believe that there are men out there who can resist or choose not to take things further, in the same way in the opposite situation there are women who do the same. It's not about blame. It's about thinking things through and understanding the consequences of actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheplover Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Somebody will be hurt, regardless of how it's explained (not referring to anyone's post) or there will be deceit involved which is a huge insult to the person being deceived so as far as I'm concerned affairs are completely wrong and I agree that the relationship should be ended before another one is started. If my OH had a sexual relationship with someone else it would be equally as bad as an emotional one and he would be gone - once my trust is broken that's it. I agree with this completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 (edited) Somebody will be hurt, regardless of how it's explained (not referring to anyone's post) or there will be deceit involved which is a huge insult to the person being deceived so as far as I'm concerned affairs are completely wrong and I agree that the relationship should be ended before another one is started. If my OH had a sexual relationship with someone else it would be equally as bad as an emotional one and he would be gone - once my trust is broken that's it. I agree with this too - I wouldn't be able to differentiate between a sexual or emotional 'betrayal' - both are the same to me. My first serious boyfriend left me for a quick 'sexual' fling, and tbh although we got back together it was never the same as I didn't trust him ever again. But also I didn't blame the other woman - it was his decision to behave like that, and he was the one in a relationship . Edited January 12, 2007 by Maria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 (edited) Melp. Your friend is not having an affair. An affair is something that is conducted undercover so to speak. The other parteners are unaware of what is going on and are usually under the impression that all is well in the relationship. Your friend had already told her partner that the relationship was over and was making plans to make a new life for herself and the children. The fact that she has fallen madly in love is a bonus but was not the cause of the breakdown of the relationship - that had happened years before. I wouldn't care whether it was sexual or emotional- deciet is deciet end of story. I went out with a married man when I was 20, I didn't know ffs he and his friend (also married) came to my 21st party and stayed at my parents house as both were too drunk to go home. Then I got a phone call at work (I met him at work) from his wife. That was the end of that. Same rule as with parents I would never put myself in a position where I would be embarassed or upset if oh were to see me there and I expect the same from him. I don't condemn people who have affairs - they have to answer for themselves but I do believe that if you get away with something once you will do it again. Oh and another thing I am 100% with the posters who say 'why blame the person you oh is cheating with'? On those shows on tv I never understand why the wives/girlfriends/husbands/boyfirends attack the other person. You partner cheated they are the guilty ones, perhaps some people just cannot accept that and have to blame the other person. Edited January 12, 2007 by Kathyw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Interested to read your opinions on this one. I have a very close freind who has been in a long term relationship for many many many years. They live together and there are children. For over half the relationship, there has been no sex, in fact none sonce the last child was conceived and they've not shared a bedroom for all of that time. There is no physical contact whatsoever. Neither partner has ever had a relationship with anyone else during that whole time, not even so much as kissed anyone else. My freind has now made the decision that staying in a lovelss relationship for the sake of the children is wrong. She feels there's more to a relationship than "getting along ok" [and I agree]. She's been desperately unhappy for many years and the situation has got to a point where the kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't like everyone elses, don't sleep together etc etc. She's recently told her other half [they're not married btw] that the relaionship is over and between them they're trying to sort things out as amicably as possible. Whilst trying to sort out the future for herself and the kids she's met and fallen head over heels for someone else. This has happened totally out of the blue, completely unexpected but the feelings between her and this guy are too strong to deny, even though neither of them particularly wanted a relationship. The other person is single, and has no children or other commitments and is totally understanding and supportive of my freinds current situation. For this reason they've made the decision not to have any sexual conatct until my mate is comepletely free form the relationship she's just ended [but still lives with OH], in the meantime they've built up a very deep emotional bond, they're both blown away by the strength of feeling between them and both feel they've found "The One" So the question is, is my freind having an affair? She still lives with the ex, hasn't had sex with the other person. If it is an affair, is it still wrong given the state of the relationship at home? No, that's not an affair in my book; there's nothing underhand or deceitful about it. It sounds as if your friend and her OH are handling the situation as sensitively as possible for the whole family and I wish them well. I also wish your friend every happiness in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebe Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Ive been sitting on my hands not to post in this thread, but I cant help myself My Family and everything I believed in was ripped apart by an affair. In the end the "other Woman" had done me a favour, because I found out things I never knew and was well rid of him, but at the time it caused me to have a breakdown, Naomi to start self-harming, and pain to my Mum that shes never got over, and the loss of her home. The woman involved knew she was chasing a married man, and has since broken up another 2 Families (her latest boyfriend left his wife and kids just before Christmas to move in with her). She stalked me and sent me deepest sympathy cards, phoned my mobile when she was "at it" with CD so I could hear them, sent H texts saying she hoped she died of a Heroin overdose, I could go on and on. She still beeps her horn everytime she goes past the house even now, 3 years later. So Im ever-so-slightly biased about tarts that go out with Married men. If young kids are involved, it makes it even more disgusting, its a selfish act. Men who have affairs are scum too, in my opinion. If theres a problem, sort it out or leave. And instead of spending money on another woman, spend it on joining Bupa so you can get yourself on the operating table and get fitted with a backbone.. Lots of men say no to tarts coming onto them, its the tossers with no conscience that cant say no. I have never ever been unfaithfull, I was with CD for 25 years, I had chances if I wanted to take them, but its not something I,d do, its not me. And now that Im single, I wouldnt ever bother with a Married man, if he,s with someone else then he,s strictly off-limits, I wouldnt ever want to be responsible for causing the sort of pain I went through to another Woman, or her Children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Well said said Bebe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lil_angel Posted January 13, 2007 Report Share Posted January 13, 2007 Ive never been cheated on and I would not tolerate any form of it. Any boyfriend ive had knows my views that if they cheat they are out the door and under no circumstances will be coming back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted January 13, 2007 Report Share Posted January 13, 2007 Ive never been cheated on and I would not tolerate any form of it. Any boyfriend ive had knows my views that if they cheat they are out the door and under no circumstances will be coming back. I said that, right up until the day my world crashed around me and he'd done exactly that. Then I fought, forgave, changed my views and moved on. It didn't last but i learnt it wasn't the end of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted January 13, 2007 Report Share Posted January 13, 2007 I might be different but personally I could handle my partner having a sexual relationship fare eaiser than an emotional one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sam Posted January 13, 2007 Report Share Posted January 13, 2007 i dont think its as "black & white" as some folk would like to think. there are often two sides toevery story. I speak as someone who was involved with a married man, but weare now a couple & have now been together for years & very happy. despite what some folk mon here have said, he wasnt sprnding money on me or dinning me or anything else like that, we just enjoyed each others company & as his marriage was so completely hopeless (all his family were delighted when he left his wife fo me so that tells you something!!! ) then please dont alwayys assume that its black & white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted January 13, 2007 Report Share Posted January 13, 2007 Sam, I did say in an earlier post that unless you know the intricacies of a relationship, you can't really judge Often what appears to 'be' to outsiders is far from the reality, sadly. Yes, it could be argued he should have left his wife before getting involved with you, but hey, things happen. I'm feeling very jaded and cynical tonight, can you tell? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted January 14, 2007 Report Share Posted January 14, 2007 (edited) I agree with everthing Bebe said. I believe men are just as bad as women, apparently it takes two to tango, so the saying goes. I appreciate most on here are indeed women and have expressed their opinions I may as well go ahead and express mine. There are some very good points on here, and just to let you know I don't speak for men on this subject, just this man. Cheating is wrong, it's destructive, deceitful and damaging so who is to blame, the single person or the attached one, in my eyes both are to blame, however if the married one lies about their status then quite possible all the blame lies there, at least for a while, if the singleton carrys on then guilt by association seems appropriate. There have been lots of time when I have been in relationships it has been, quite literally 'offered to me on a plate' and not once did I even think about it for a second. I don't profess to have the moral high ground or consider myself whiter than white, it's just that when I am with someone then I am with someone, end of story. Maybe it's my upbringing and the influence my parents had and still have on my life to this day, who knows !!! Some lines you cross, some you don't and this is one of them (for me anyway).. Edited January 14, 2007 by Laurel n Hardy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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