cockergirl Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 ... and do they ever work out? My Dad had an affair and left my Mum when I was 10, turned out to be the biggest favour he ever did us but at the time it was devastating. Anyways, 15 years later he and the (much younger) woman are still together and have 3 kids and my Mum is happily married to my Stepdad whom I adore... so it all worked out for the best. I don't want to say too much but I'm in a bit of a situation atm... I'm not married and no kids are involved whatsoever and it's a very sporadic thing but it's a long story But what are your views? Are affairs ever excusable? Do they work out? Can you forgive if it happens to you? What if you're having one... what do you do if you're the married one/if you're both married/if you're not married but he/she is? Just curious to know what everyone thinks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sproggie14 Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 No I don't think so. My Mum left my Dad for someone else when I was 13. Not wishing to be melodramatic or anything but the whole thing and the affect it had on my Dad has undoubtedly scarred me for life. She's still with him 17 years later and very happy and I adore him now but it was handled very badly. If she was unhappy with her life she should have told my Dad, tried to work it out and if all else failed leave him and then start another relationship. My Dad should not have been made to find her in another man's arms I think that's the basic principle. I someone isn't happy in a relationship they need to sort it out or leave, not betray them with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babsc71 Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Are we talking about affairs or sex? I don't think affairs are excusible. (literally full stop) However my then boyfriend, now husband, had a one night stand and told me a day later. We had been together over a year and had just come back off holiday. I still feel angry but more so with the woman as I could never do that to another woman. She knew me also that OH and I were in a serious relationship. I feel she deliberately went out to seduce him and not to put my husband down (literally) but he is a man and was a little niave as to womens intentions ie interprets outrageous flirting as "just being friendly". Basically I don't think I could help a man make a fool, intentionally or not, out of another woman. If I were that attracted to another man then I would have to question the relationship I was in. I love my husband only fractionally less than my dogs but if he had an affair then I make John Wayne Bobbit look all man....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanishPastry Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 I think that's the basic principle. I someone isn't happy in a relationship they need to sort it out or leave, not betray them with someone else. That is how I feel as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicky H Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 (edited) No. Im not sure what happened with my dad and my mum but he left her for someone else when i was 11, my brother was 4 my dad is now married to her and lives with his wife and her daughter (not my dads), they also have a son together Me and my brother lived with my mum, my mum never re married or found a long term partner, it was always just us 3 Sadly my mum got cancer in 2003 and died in 2004 leaving me and my brother on our own, i took over the house and am guardian to my 16 year old brother, my dad said it was the biggest mistake he had ever made, although he loves his wife, looking back he just wishes it didnt work out as it has now, he is there for us, but it would of been alot easier for all of us having him there when we went through everything with my mum. Edited January 11, 2007 by nicky H Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Are we talking about affairs or sex? I don't think affairs are excusible. (literally full stop) However my then boyfriend, now husband, had a one night stand and told me a day later. We had been together over a year and had just come back off holiday. I still feel angry but more so with the woman as I could never do that to another woman. She knew me also that OH and I were in a serious relationship. I feel she deliberately went out to seduce him and not to put my husband down (literally) but he is a man and was a little niave as to womens intentions ie interprets outrageous flirting as "just being friendly". I don't mean to add to your (justified) anger but... It's always the woman's fault? Men are so pathetic they can't resist? That's pretty insulting to all the men who don't behave like that. Great excuse, though, if you can get away with it. Liz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 I should add that I think it's always terrible for children when marriages break up this way. Nicky H, your situation sounds really sad, especially since your Mum never got a similar chance at happiness. She sounds as if she was blessed with a wonderful daughter, though. However, there is a difference between 'a bit on the side', and a loving (extramarital) relationship which proves to be long-lived, I think. In either case, the ideal solution is for the partners to make themselves free first and then pursue the other relationship/s. We don't, however, live in an ideal world. Liz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doggy.lover Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 (edited) In my opinion affairs are never excusable. If someone is unhappy enough in a relationship whether married or not they should dissolve that relationship before going looking for another. As for single people who take up with married partners that is just diabolical, especially if they know the other person is married before the affair starts. Some affairs do work out in the long term but which ever way it turns out SOMEBODY gets hurt and it's usually the one who hasn't asked for it. I knew my first husband was having an affair with a work colleague I just never caught them to be able to prove it and it tore me apart because I'd given up all my friends and most of my family to be with him when he manipulated me away from them. I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to make myself into the person he wanted me to be instead of staying the person i was before i met him and getting him to accept me as i was. Remember the phrase 'what goes around comes around'. Could a person ever be sure that the person they've had the affair with will then remain faithful to them. Edited January 11, 2007 by doggy.lover Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocoa Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 no, i think it is wrong my x did it to me it is all mind games and it was the other girl never him ! it hurt i still find it hard to get on with my life now sorry but i see no way that this could be ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cockergirl Posted January 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 I do agree that if someone is unhappy in a relationship then they need to speak to their partner and either work to fix things or get out rather than just starting an affair. I wish my father had done this with my Mum as it would have saved us a lot of shock and heartbreak at the time but as someone wisely said, we do not live in an ideal world. I do think that there can be a difference in 'just sex' when the occasion arises (no pun intended) and an actual full blown affair. I could perhaps maybe forgive the first depending on the circumstances but I could never forgive the second. I don't think it's right to blame just one party though, it takes two to tango and no man is that naive that he doesn't know what a woman's 'intentions' are when it gets to that stage and if he's old enough to do it then he's old enough to realise what's going on and to stop at any time if he wants to... and the same goes for women. Why is it the single person's fault though if they sleep with a married/attached person? They are not married, they are not the ones cheating on anyone and they are not responsible for the married/attached person's actions. I have not been in this situation but I have a good single friend who has several times but I don't see how it is all her responsibility and that she is the bad person in the scenario. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyhound pal Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Why is it the single person's fault though if they sleep with a married/attached person? They are not married, they are not the ones cheating on anyone and they are not responsible for the married/attached person's actions. Thats pretty much the way I see it - I don't understand why people blame the other person. The person who is in a relationship having an affair is responsible after all they have made a commitment - not the individual who was single... I'll never accept that men are 'tempted' or 'weak'. Thats just giving men a passport to do what they want to do. I had a fling. I was in a very violent relationship and someone came along and showed me some positive attention. It didn't get more physical than the odd snog but it gave me the confidence and strength to leave. Perhaps after years of being told how ugly and what a nasty person I was, when someone came along it challenged every bit of what he'd told me I was. Also agree 'just sex' is easier to deal with. I find it much harder to deal with feelings. I mean it would be easier to cope with an OH having sex with someone and not 'caring' for them than to deal with them not having sex with someone and having feelings for them. Can you tell I've been in both situations? Not being very clear tonight - I know what I mean! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 Also agree 'just sex' is easier to deal with. I find it much harder to deal with feelings. I mean it would be easier to cope with an OH having sex with someone and not 'caring' for them than to deal with them not having sex with someone and having feelings for them. Can you tell I've been in both situations? Not being very clear tonight - I know what I mean! I know what you mean too An emotional, but non-sexual, attachment to someone is (in my opinion) much more damaging than a quick lust induced romp with no feelings attached. It's all very well to say it's categorically wrong for someone to have an affair, but unless you know the intimate details of the relationship from which they're 'straying', how can you make that judgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted January 11, 2007 Report Share Posted January 11, 2007 I had a fling. I was in a very violent relationship and someone came along and showed me some positive attention. It didn't get more physical than the odd snog but it gave me the confidence and strength to leave. Perhaps after years of being told how ugly and what a nasty person I was, when someone came along it challenged every bit of what he'd told me I was. I was going to say that I think affairs are generally wrong, but with exceptions, and although I didn't know about your experience, it was the kind of exception I was thinking of. I do think that there are people (often women I would have to say) who like the challenge of another person's partner/spouse, but ultimately it's down to the "partnered" person to say no. I suspect people sometimes like to blame the "other" person because it's easier to forgive their partner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulesB Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I agree with the people who say it would be easier to forgive a one-night stand than a real emotional attachment (with or without sex), but I also think it's impossible to deliver a verdict on what is 'right' or 'wrong' until you have been in that person's shoes We should all have to take responsibility for our own actions, but as Scotslass so wisely says, it's not a perfect world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 NO - TOTALLY UNACEPTABLE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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