zico's mum Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Kelly I've popped in and out of this thread and not known what to say but you have recieved so much wonderful advice on here and I'm so pleased you have the renewed support of your two friends,they really must think a great deal of you to respond so quickly and willingly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I think the fact that your two friends were there when you needed them says a lot. Please look after yourself and try to eat. I know everything seems very black now, but it will brighten up and you will get through this. :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BilRed Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I know I don't know you but just read through this and am really touched by the awful situation you find yourself in :GroupHug: The poster that said you should eat is right, you should but if you can't face it you can't. PLEASE bear in mind though that it will have a profound effect on your feelings. OK, you wouldn't be feeling great even if you were eating but lack of food will make you feel very depressed and desperate, as will the shock to your system of the whole situation. Remind yourself of this when you are at your lowest, some of the awful bleakness is just about lack of food ridiculous though that sounds. It will take you a while to adjust to the new situation and it will probably happen without you noticing, just try and be kind to yourself in the meantime. I have seen a few friends get back together after a split because once it is done, they were both feeling so at sea and lonely that they get back together rather than face the difficult times and everything seemed OK again, it never lasts though and they just prolong the pain. The only time I have seen a couple get back together successfully was when they both went through the pain and built separate lives, after they had got past needing each other they realised in time that they still wanted each other. Wishing you all the best :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 thinking of you. Hubby and I got back together after a split many years ago. He said he felt that he was stagnating,was restless,didn't know what he wanted etc and we stayed apart for a month.We both had issues with each other and had grown apart but we did realise after a while that we did still love each other. So we met up,discussed what we would like to change,what we wanted from the other one and "laid down guidelines" and we were happier than we had ever been. We are celebrating being together 33 years next month so it is possible to retrieve your relationship but it has to be for the right reasons and not because you or he are lonely or upset.I would leave seeing him for a while until you are not so raw and can think more clearly. You can stand on your own and have a happy life independently of him,just have fath in yourself and give yourself time. Take advantage of your friends support,thats what they are there for.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rileyroo Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I know I don't know you but just read through this and am really touched by the awful situation you find yourself in The poster that said you should eat is right, you should but if you can't face it you can't. PLEASE bear in mind though that it will have a profound effect on your feelings. OK, you wouldn't be feeling great even if you were eating but lack of food will make you feel very depressed and desperate, as will the shock to your system of the whole situation. Remind yourself of this when you are at your lowest, some of the awful bleakness is just about lack of food ridiculous though that sounds. It will take you a while to adjust to the new situation and it will probably happen without you noticing, just try and be kind to yourself in the meantime. I have seen a few friends get back together after a split because once it is done, they were both feeling so at sea and lonely that they get back together rather than face the difficult times and everything seemed OK again, it never lasts though and they just prolong the pain. The only time I have seen a couple get back together successfully was when they both went through the pain and built separate lives, after they had got past needing each other they realised in time that they still wanted each other. Wishing you all the best I agree with this completely. I went through terrible break up from an abusive partner about 10 years ago. At the time a work colleague would take me to lunch every day and force me to eat - and I really did feel better afterwards even though I wouldn't have eaten if I'd had any choice in the matter. It gave me the energy I needed to cope - without it I would have been so much worse (and I was pretty bad even with his interventions). I can also identify with the separating and getting back together thing. My H and I were together for about a year when we split up - it was awful. We both genuinely believed that it was over, and we got on with trying to re-build our lives separately. In doing so we changed the things that had driven us apart in the first place, and when we bumped into each other at a party about a year down the line we recognised that all the things that brought us together in the first place were still there but that we'd also fixed the things within ourselves that were causing us problems (in my case unresolved issues from the above abusive relationship). We've now been married for 6 years. We're only a successful re-union because we built lives that enabled us to be happy apart - we didn't do things that were motivated at getting the other person back but at making ourselves happier alone. This too will pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobleronie Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Can only agree with everything that has been said and my thoughts are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'm so sorry to read this Kelly. A few things in your post particularly stood out to me so I'll try to repsond around them as I think that may be easier to follow right now I'm in a state. My relationship of six years has just ended and I really didn't see it coming. He changed his mind back and forth a few times about us trying to make some changes but finally, in the early hours of Saturday morning, said that he didn't think he felt the same and he left. My world came tumbling down. I can't make sense of it and I'm desperate for advice. [/i] I wondered whether what you'd really like is for him to change his mind, come back, no matter what, just to help you make sense of his leaving or both?[/i] I don't have many friends that I keep in touch with because Steve, without meaning any malice, told me that the two who I was closest to were unreliable and just using me. To be fair, I was upset at them constantly letting me down. He told me to just forget about them so I then stopped contacting them. They didn't contact me either. Yesterday, I sent them both a text to say I needed them. One was in labour in hospital but rang me to give me some support. The other rang me to say she'd be here in an hour if I needed her. Whatever may have happened in the past they sound like good & valuable friends don't they? I don't work. I gave up my job over a year ago because Steve's job meant he was away irregular hours so we decided that it would mean we saw more of each other if I didn't work. Recently, I've started a small business with my sister in law but it's pocket money and won't even cover half the mortgage payment on my house. I've got no confidence and can't even bear to apply myself to the business because Steve was such a huge part of it. It's great to hear that you've been able to start a small business, maybe you can build it as time goes on, with or without Steve? No confidence? I guess I'm surprised as although we've only met the once we have shared various emails / PM's over, eg when I lost Joyce, you strike me very differently. Confident, friendly, kind, intelligent and attractive to name a few - you can and will re-start your life and be happy again if you have to! I'm so scared. I'm desperately lonely. I hate the sound of silence in my house. I hate it being sunny outside because we would've been out enjoying it but instead I'm sat here by myself wondering where life is going to take me. I thought we were soulmates, we made so many promises to each other and got through some really tough times that came about from outside influences. I got bullied at work and Steve had to spend over three months in America to train for his job. We were ridiculously happy and head over heels in love. Now it's all gone and I wish I knew why. Please help me I wish I could make it all go away for you, though sadly only time will do so. Perhaps some company from those friends would help you right now but I guess only Steve can tell you why and whether it's really an irreversible decision - my sense is you don't want it to be? Thank you for all the replies and lovely messages. I promise I'll reply to the PMs but I'm feeling really raw at the moment and I'm trying not to spend time online because I know I'll be tempted to stare at Steve's work roster or start emailing him. I think you should worry about you, not replies, unless you really want / need to but would emailing Steve really help? I went through my finances with my Dad yesterday. He's told me that I must get myself along to Citizens Advice this morning to see if I'm entitled to any help in the short term. Also, he's suggested that I take Steve up on his offer to help me financially - if it still stands. I don't think Steve was thinking that he should continue to pay all the bills but my Dad has insisted that that would be the fair and honourable thing for him to do for up to three months. I already had the house before I met Steve so he's not obliged to pay for anything. With a practical head on for a moment, if the offer is there I'd take it. Immediate help with the mortgage is unlikely but in 3 months time you may qualify for some help with the interest, dependant upon your income at that point Oddly enough, Steve rang me last night. He had literally just left work and always used to ring on his way home. Looks like he can't break his routine. He sounded quite down and subdued so I naturally said I was sad it was over but had realised I'd be ok. So far from the truth but some bawling down the phone isn't very attractive, is it. I told him about all the things I had plans to do and how I'd been gradually thinking about making a different life for myself because he made me realise that I wasn't actually happy either. More fibs on my part but I do realise that I was lonely and dependent. He was definitely knocked for six and said he'd been looking at houses nearer to where he works but he doesn't want to view any yet because he doesn't know what he wants. Then he went on to say he can't stay at his Dads because he hates it so much and is worried about the future. At this point I was wondering whether it was really just routine & what you want(ed) / felt My Dad rang Steve yesterday morning and asked if he could meet him so they could have a chat about things and to understand things a bit clearer. To my absolute surprise, Steve agreed and they're meeting later today. In the meantime, Steve's coming here at 2.30 today to pick up some things. - as above The biggest part of me wants to believe that Steve was having a 'man moment', panicked and ran instead of confronting things. Maybe he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. I so desperately want it to be retrievable and I know we'd both have to do things differently. On the other hand, I'm terrified and sure he's so undecided about what he wants from life that he'll walk away to find a new life that seems right to him even though he doesn't know what that is. You''re scared but right now you'd still like to make things right? My two friends who I thought didn't care about me have been wonderful. The one that was in labour when she rang me on Saturday spent yesterday supporting me by text and the other friend has been on the phone lots and is coming here later today to stay the night. I've spent the weekend with either my parents or my brother and sister in law to keep busy. My nearly-three year old niece adored Steve and he felt the same. She made a picture for him yesterday and I've got that to give to him today. She nearly broke my heart all over again. Today feels more scary because just about everyone else goes to work and I'm scratching around trying to find things to do. You're friends are important - but so are you, take some time, think about what you want and don't let your low confidence or your terror make you rush into anything! I haven't cried yet today but I still can't eat a thing. I last ate on Thursday lunchtime. I have no appetite at all. I'm sure I'll be back later in absolute pieces again after seeing Steve later. It's going to be hard but you really want to do it? Although I've had my own problems & not been around as much as I'd have liked for a while feel free to get in touch if you want to. Best of luck Kelly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeadyP Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Nothing to add to the excellent advice you have already received. But just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Paula. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachy Posted July 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I reversed my car into a bollard when I went to Citizens Advice They can't see me until Wednesday morning. Seeing Steve was tough. I'd written down a few feelings and thoughts but kept the letter to see if it was appropriate to give to him. It wasn't laden with hurt and emotion, more pragmatic and saying how I felt that things were stagnant in retrospect and about how I felt the need to make some changes in my life for me. It appealed for him to say now if he felt there was any doubt in his mind about walking away. I didn't give it to him because we still had an instant connection and a spark. We discussed going away for a few days next week, no strings and no commitment to anything other than having a good time. He's worried that it'll change his mind about starting a new life (seems hung up on having made up his mind and no way back etc) but I've told him that it's about time that he stopped considering the future so much and that fun is very much overdue. He's agreed and was shocked when I said we could go tomorrow if he wanted to! I feel terribly tied down and need to do more with my own life. I'd love for that to be with him but right now it doesn't look likely but I'm curious to see if he'll go through with going away or if he'll run a mile when he's thought too much about things. He ties himself up in knots about the 'what ifs' in life which I think has lead to much of this happening so suddenly. I'm sure it might not be the best decision to go away but part of me wants to have a blummin good holiday. Why not with Steve? We can still make each other laugh and we both know we've neglected enjoying life. Emily will be here soon and is VERY good at giving me a reality check and she's seen me go through this sort of thing before so she'll soon tell me how things really are! Oh, and he's agreed to leave the standing order in place for three months so, for now, that's a huge relief. Right now, the black clouds have cleared a little bit but I'm very conscious that I might be desperately hoping for a reconcilation but I really do know, and told Steve, that I wouldn't turn the clock back a week. Things need to be different for both of us. Whether together or apart. I really don't want to think long term and my only concern is that he'll be trying to map out his future and make all the decisions now, like he always did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes this is your life too so whichever way this ends up take it as an opportunity to think how you want your life to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tilly1712 Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Glad that you feel a little bit better today Kelly and I hope you've have a good chat with Emily tonight. I keep thinking about you and I'm sending more hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reds Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I really am sorry. You have your whole life ahead of you and you have your dogs, either way that can't be bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyMalc Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddyboy Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 I reversed my car into a bollard when I went to Citizens Advice They can't see me until Wednesday morning. Think of the car as your relationship. You have had a big knock, now it is up to YOU (not anyone else, not family, friends or Steve) to decide how to repair it. You can do a quick fix and hope it is all going to hold together - but worry if it will, or you can do a decent job - work out what needs to be done (for YOU) and take that action - whatever it is. We are all here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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