Truly A Blessing In Disguise.

[Kathyw]

In early September Melissa emailed me asking if I would like to send a photo of Himself to be included in the first ever Oldies Club calender. I was so proud and happy and started searching for the usb that most of my piccys were on. I had put it somewhere so safe I couldn't find it. However I did take a photo of Himself on his new bed that Carole Stitcher sent him and it was my fav.

As you all know we lost Himself a few days later and I just couldn't look at piccys of him.

I use on photo as my avatar to make myself see him every day but it was difficult and I didn't think about the calender at all.

I have to backtrack a bit here. when my brother Terry passed over the shock was the worst ever for me and because of the situation here I never grieved for Terry though I missed him and felt terribly alone, my protector was gone.

I never grieved for Himself either as the shock was the second worse in my life. I just really thought we would have the pleasure of his company for another couple of years as he was such a robust little chap.

I know that I was afraid if I let my grief out I would never be able to stop - of the four oldest friends I have - one had passed herself and the others all had big stuff to deal with in their own lives and I never spoke of how I was feeling. Ray was on another planet and so unavailable to me. There was no-one and so I packed it up and put it away and there it stayed.

 

I came on yesterday and saw that the first ever Oldies Club calender was on sale - it was too late for Himself to be included.

I totally lost it - my fault entirely. All I had to do was to have some backbone and open the folder with my fav piccy of Himself and send it to Melissa - but I couldn't/wouldn't and instead of having the honour of gracing the first ever calender - her so deserved it, Himself missed out.

It opened the grief package I had so carefully wrapped up and the tears came.

I cried like I haven't in years. I cried for Terry and for Himself, for the loss and the pain that I had so carefully avoided.

When Ray got up an hour later I was still unable to talk because of the sobbing. I sobbed for hours thinnking of times passed and how lucky I was to be born into the family I had and an older brother so special that I still get people telling me how he helped them and how kind he was . We had stand up fights when we were younger but within minutes would be laughing together and always he was there for me.

He could also be over-protective and I lost a few potential boyfriends because he didn't think they were right for me.

Terry was my protector, my friend, my adversary and I miss him so much - just knowing he was in this world made it better for me. If all else failed Terry would sort it out.

I could almost hear him saying 'Get off your sorry arse and deal with it yourself Kate, I can't do it for you anymore'.

I couldn't let myself accept that he was gone from this world because it was too much to deal with alone.

 

When Himself passed it was such a shock that I really couldnt take it in. when our babies are very sick we accept that we may lose them.

Himself I heard barking so many times and came down here thinking it was all a dream - it wasn't but still I couldn't let go and cry for him.

 

Were it not for the post about the calenders being ready, all that pent up grief would still be there. Hidden from sight but doing damage nonetheless.

 

So Thank You Oldies Club - you did something that was soooo needed and although I still feel very fragile this morning, I don't have that awful feeling of something lurking that I was afraid to face.

 

I told Edith (Halfpenny) how I was feeling, she has always been a wonderful friend to me the this morning Edith surpassed herself .

I have been Blessed and doors I thought were shut have been opened.

 

So Thank You Oldies Club for healing my heart.

 

Kathyxx

[Fee]

I'm so sorry you've had so much to deal with, Kathy.

 

I've also been in a situation where grief over losing one of my beloved dogs opened the door to another grief I hadn't been able to deal with before. It was a hard process but also very healing, I hope it proves to be that way for you, too

[Peachy]

Just a huge for you, Kathy.

[Jacobean]

[Marie Claire]

I was so touched to hear what you are going through, Kathy. Our thoughts are with you and sending you another big hug at this difficult time.

[houndzrus]

My thoughts are with you too.

[lil_angel]

[Bee]

Hi I understand about locking grief and worries away, I have coped through life by locking things away in "boxes" and when I feel able to cope with something I take it out if the "box" and then put it away again, sometimes it is the onle way to deal with life's rubbish times.

When my first little companion was taken from me too early I also used to hear him barking, and I got comfort out of taking my other dogs across the fields and then calling them back to me, including his name, they seemed to like that too, as we miss calling them. I lost him 17 years ago and can still burst in tears when that box is opened usually when looking at photos.

I hope you have had some peace restored, after the outburst of grief, sending love and wishes to you, take care

Edited October 19, 2008 by Bee

[ranirottie]

Kathy my friend,you know I am always here for you. x

[JoT]

for Kathy. Hope you are OK.

[hugapup]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, Kathy

 

They always leave paw prints and memories in your heart Looks like you need a

 

Take good care of yourself

 

Cheryl & Mike xxx

[lazyhound]

:GroupHug:

[murtle]

What a perfect moment, on your healing process Kathy.

 

xx

[Laurel n Hardy]

[Tobleronie]

 

 

Thinking of you