My Fil And Not Being Around Much

[Shazzy]

As most of you know my FIL has been diagnosed with a Brain Tumour.

 

We have also been told that it is extremely aggressive and they have given him a max of 6/8 months.

 

You all also know about the problems of Freddie the Cav, and his expected arrival here. So far he is still with BIL and is being looked after ( not as I would want but BIL is so upset over his Dad that Freddie is at the moment his escape route from his partner and they go walkies together etc.,)

 

FIL has all along said that he doesnt want to know the prognosis, but we as a family are finding it hard to make a decision on his behalf - these are the things we cant decide on:

 

1. FIL has aggressive brain cancer and is expected to survive at the most 9 months - the last 3/4 months being almost vegative.

 

2. He has been offered Radiotherapy and Chemo - which may prolong his life by a few months.

 

3. Do we tell Dad what the prognosis is and let him decide.

 

4. Do we say no to Chemo and therapy and let him come home and have a few months fairly free of illness and enjoy what life he has left. He has said that he wants to visit his grandfathers grave on the Somme and bid at Sotherbys (he loves his antiques) and go home and generally get pissed and have a ciggie.

 

No 4 would be difficult for him to achieve as he would spend the next 6/8 weeks going back and forth to the hospital everyday for treatment and become weak and ill.

 

I personally know what I would want - time with my family and animals with no treatment - but those are my feelings.

 

Freddie will eventually come here when BIL is ready and maybe spend some time with Dad whilst he is able to look after him - which I know he wants.

 

I have, unfortunately parts of the family who dont see a dogs love as being a comfort and dont see things the way I or FIL do but that is another matter.

 

So this is my update so far.

 

to whoever needs them I havent had time to scroll through all that is going on - but like many Fugee's when the crap hits the fan this is the place to come.

[Red Rotties]

So sorry

 

Thats what took Mum in the end , if time could run by again I would make sure every day has a ray of sunshine, whether it be that trip to the Somme or getting drunk! If by treatment you only get a few more months but he would be ill well ...........

 

The only good thing about any sort of aggressive cancer is it at least gives you the push to do those things you always meant to do and to make peace with your loved ones

 

Horrible time for all your family

[ranirottie]

The same as Lesley said. I would make his life as rich and pleasurable as possible for the time he has left. Find out if he has any unfullfilled ambitions that he may have wanted to achieve,places he might have wanted to see,things to do. I really dont see the point in having treatment that prolongs your life for a few months but means you spend an awful lot of precious time travelling to and from hospital and it leaves you feeling ill. If my cancer returns i would want to know exactly how long I had left so that I could do everything that I wanted to do and see everyone that I wanted to see. But that is me, only family would know him well enough to know whether he would want time to say his goodbyes. You could leave it a little while and see how his health goes and then decide. for you and him. x

[Tobleronie]

I think the others above have given good advice My thoughts are with you all

[JulesB]

I've read this twice now and don't really know what I want to say but didn't want to just leave the thread without saying anything.

 

If you think he really doesn't want to have his prognosis spelled out in black and white, then maybe I'd go for the option of helping to make his last few months very happy ones, with no aggressive treatment. It's one thing to say what we would do hypothetically if it was us, but quite another I should imagine when the situation is real. What an awful dilemma and time for you all. Wishing you masses of strength, I'm sure you will make the right decision

[mooandboo]

My thoughts have been voiced so I'm just sending lots of love and strength to your FIL, you and all who love him :GroupHug:

[Jazz]

[supafrisk]

Shazzy

 

If he doesn't want to know then he's already accepted that nothing can be done - why have weeks of painful chemo etc when you can live each day as it comes fully while he's still here with you all. Take him the Somme, Sotheby's, get him drunk, whatever he wishes.

 

This is going to sound harsh and please don't take it the wrong way because it's not intended that way at all but we just lost our Grandad and I wish we had had a few good months to take him everywhere he wanted to go and spend the last few weeks with him enjoying his life, instead of him stuck in a hospital room fading in front of our eyes and losing his dignity.

 

Keep your chin up hun

[Kats inc]

It's hard to give advice on someone you don't know personally.Only you know him well enough to judge really so I'd say follow your gut instinct and let him enjoy the pleasures of life without feeling unwell and worrying

 

Wishing him a wonderful time with you all for as long as possible

[Kathyw]

for all of you.

 

Perhaps you could arrange for the trip to the Somme and a trip to Sotherbys - that way your fil realises his ambitions without you giving him the prognosis - he probably knows anyway somewhere deep inside.

 

Whatever you decide to do you will be doing with love and that is all that really matters.

[safneo]

Its a tough load for you to bear but I wouldnt to pass that to his shoulders for what time he has left

 

As others have said, make sure that the time he has is spent doing things he loves, whether that be sitting reading a newspaper in the garden with Freddie mulling around him or a quick trip abroad, or getting sozzled down the pub with his mates.

 

It shouldn't matter what the family think regarding the dog issue, its what your FIL thinks that matters and he loves his dog!

 

My heart goes out to you and your family

[blackmagic]

I think if he says he doesn't want to know the prognosis, then he doesn't want treatment.

 

My mother had cancer and we knew that she would not want to know. We had great difficulty convincing her consultant of this. He believed that she should be told, whether she wanted to know or not. He eventually agreed not to tell her unless she asked what was wrong with her.

 

We knew she would never ask.

 

She had been a nurse and deep down knew what was wrong, but didn't want to admit it.

 

She didn't get any treatment, apart from Morphine, and never brought up the subject of what was wrong with her.

 

That was her wish and we accepted it.

 

I would agree give him the best you can for the time he has left, if that is what he wants.

[Whizzie]

Hi Shazzy

 

I work for a hospice at home service in the Herts/Bucks area. Is there an equivalent in yours to which your FIL could be referred? If you don't know I could find out for you. This might give you the opportunity to talk to people who have plenty of experience of families in circumstances like yours.

 

Whatever your/FIL's decision on treatment, at some point he is likely to require palliative care and pain relief. Your FIL may not want to know what lies in store but I imagine it would be helpful for you to understand the likely course of events.

 

Sorry you are having such an awful time

 

Liz

[Spins4me]

What an awful situation, it's hard to know what to say but I think that I agree with blackmagic in giving your FiL what he wants for his last months.

[BillyMalc]

I really don't know what to say, and I think that others have already given very good advice/suggestions. Just want to send you lots of love and a huge Your FIL is very lucky to have someone like you by his side. Thinking of you all.