Adoption

[phoebejo]

I believe it is the right thing to do because in my opinion abortion is more often than not wrong. A baby lose it's life or gain a life elsewhere? It's a no brainer to me. When women have an unwanted pregnancy I'd much rather it be made easy for them to have their baby adopted than the ease with which abortions are available. Literally hundreds of thousands of babies are destroyed each year. Imagine how much happiness could come from those that were saved?

[Kathyw]

Okay. Can I throw something else in? What if a woman did it on more than one or two occasions. Almost like a form of contraception in a way. Does that change your thoughts?

 

I think that would be wrong.

 

Agree with Ange that many people who were brought up by their birth mothers had horrible lives - not all children kept by their birth parents are actually wanted.

 

We all know of the girls who got pregnant to get a council flat, some made/make good Mums but many do not and those children suffer the consequences of being the price of a flat, ino they would have been better off with a family who truly wanted them.

[sparkle]

Many of you know I was adopted as a baby, but it has left me with so much 'baggage' that I don't believe I would have had to deal with if I had been raised by my birth family, so for me, adoption is never the right thing, unless the birth mother maintains contact. For me, abortion is better than being allowed to come into this world just to satisfy a couple who can't come to terms with not being able to have what they want.

I can't word want I want to say any better than Ange so ....

 

I'm really sorry to hear you have had such a bad experience (sorry that's not worded very well ) and I am sure you are not alone. However, I am sure there are people who have had much better lives from being adopted than they would have had if they had remained in the birth family.

 

Also there are plenty of people left with "baggage" who were raised by their birth families. Being raised by your birth family doesn't guarantee a happy childhood/rest of life, or lack of baggage, sadly.

 

 

BUT ... my mummy was unable to have children, I cannot imagine a better mother in the world :wub: she was originally a nursery nurse and eventually a theatre sister before I came along and put a stop to all that obviously a career doesn't say whether or not you will be a good mother, but I am trying to show/illustrate that she has always been nuturing and loved kids, they didn't adopt on a whim, they waited a long time for me and then my brother to come along and have always been loving and supportive, we have always known that we are adopted, just as we have always known that it doesn't matter one jot. I am trying to say (very badly!) that just because you can't have children doesn't mean you shouldn't.

 

I am so sorry you and your adopted family didn't get along together, but that is not always the case, just as it isn't the case with blood ties, I know people who hate their parents and don't speak to most of their family, they wish they had a family like me, and I count myself very very lucky.

 

I have no contact with my birth mother and no desire to, sometimes I wonder about her, what is she like, am I going to get any hereditary diseases?! but at the grand old age of 26 I still don't want to contact her and doubt I ever will, I will always be thankful that she gave me a chance of life, but she is not my mummy and never will be, I have my mummy and don't need another.

[Melp]

My birth mother had a total of 6 children, 2 with her first husband, 2 with my father and another 2 by a different man whilst still married to my father.

Every single one of us were given up by her at different times, usually just after she'd moved on to another new bloke.

Her first child was born when she was just 16 and she also had at least 3 terminations.

Some of her children were lucky enough to be adopted, the rest of us [3] were fostered out to various families.

 

I beleive my mother used adoption/foster care and abortion as contraception. The first 3 kids who I've never met may have had good lives, I'll never know, but of the three remaining kids, 1 had a relatively good childhood while the other 2 of us suffered incredibly at the hands of abusive foster parents.

 

Regardless of the lives we had, I still beleive we had better than we'd have got had she kept us. There was never an option to stay with our fathers [my sisters have no idea who their fathers are and mine is dead]

 

I guess then that my views are that in the case of unwanted pregnancy, abortion rather than adoption would be the best option. I would rather a pregnancy be terminated than an unwanted child be born and perhaps suffer the way we did.

[Jakeysmum]

Yes, I think adoption is right, if a mother can't raise that child safely.

My father has recently traced his adoption records. He was adopted by a good loving family. His records showed his birth mother to have been a married lady who had an affair and lost everything, including her other children, and selflessly gave him up. I think any mother who lets her child go because she can't possibly raise him is brave, and I see nothing wrong with a family adopting, I would have loved to but my life changed and now I can't.

I doubt we will ever see many babies up for adoption again as times have changed so much with abortion and single motherhood more common, most babies for adoption now have problems or have been removed from their parents.

I don't see any stigma associated with adoption anymore, but that may be just because a few members of our family are adopted and so it's not an event as such.

I don't think adoption should be used as an alternative to contraceptive any more than abortion should.

[Kathyw]

I would prefer adoption over abortion anyday.

Why should the baby pay for the mistake? I know some are rape cases but the majority of abortions are the result of people who didn't bother to take precautions and that sickens me to my stomach.

 

Mel your birth mother may not have been good but she gave you life and I for one am glad that she did.

Ellis and Sam would not exist but for her decision to give you life - nor would the nieces and nephews you have.

 

I know that some children, maybe many, have awful childhoods but once an adult they can become happy, productive people - just look at yourself Mel. Where would dnb be without you? Maybe it would exist - I think not, certainly not in the way it does today.

 

Every life has potential and to flush it away, when you could give that child to a couple who have no hope of having one naturally, is a crime.

 

I have known a few people who were adopted and they were all proud of that fact and proud of the birth mothers who loved them enough to give them up for a better life.

[Kats inc]

Every life has potential and to flush it away, when you could give that child to a couple who have no hope of having one naturally, is a crime.

 

I don't agree with this Kathy and I don't think it's that black and white for most women who chose adoption.For some girls chosing to have the baby and give it up for adoption will be tantamount to them losing everything they have ever worked for.

 

I see very few babies going for adoption these days via the 'mums chosing it' path.In fact I can't remember the last time this happened.The babies or children we see that either go for adoption or are in the process of being adopted are almost always those that have been removed from parents as a result of child protection issues.

 

I think it's easier for Mums to keep their babies these days with the support networks being better and financially and workwise women have better options.It is also not the stigma it used to be to be a single mum.

 

I don't personally feel it should be a stigma but as we know people do so like to judge others,and issues of 'morality' are a particular favourite for the tongue clicking brigade.

[Jacobean]

It's well known I can't have children and would dearly love to have one. I don't see it that children are given up to satisfy a need of folk like me at all. Thank goodness that there are people out there willing to adopt other people's children. Otherwise what would happen to them?

 

I also sometimes think I would have been better off being put up for adoption. I won't bore you with the details. My mother's cousin adopted children and they are a wonderful loving family unit. My own mother never wanted me and told me to my face. I know who I would rather have had for a mother. Having been on the other side biology means absolutely nothing to me. It's the people who are dear to you that count.

[Jacobean]

I don't believe it's a black and white issue either. I think it depends on each individual case. A bad childhood can and does affect a person their whole life.

[ReikiAnge]

I don't believe it's a black and white issue either. I think it depends on each individual case. A bad childhood can and does affect a person their whole life.

 

I agree. I think it's very hard to completely forget that the one person/couple that should have shown you the greatest love and respect were not willing or able to.

[greyhound pal]

to all of you - sat here in tears at both the sad stories as well as the positive.

 

Many of you know I was adopted as a baby, but it has left me with so much 'baggage' that I don't believe I would have had to deal with if I had been raised by my birth family, so for me, adoption is never the right thing, unless the birth mother maintains contact. For me, abortion is better than being allowed to come into this world just to satisfy a couple who can't come to terms with not being able to have what they want.

 

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the effect on the child rather than the 'joy' of the adoptive parents. to you because obviously this is an issue very close to you

 

My birth mother had a total of 6 children, 2 with her first husband, 2 with my father and another 2 by a different man whilst still married to my father.

Every single one of us were given up by her at different times, usually just after she'd moved on to another new bloke.

Her first child was born when she was just 16 and she also had at least 3 terminations.

Some of her children were lucky enough to be adopted, the rest of us [3] were fostered out to various families.

 

I beleive my mother used adoption/foster care and abortion as contraception. The first 3 kids who I've never met may have had good lives, I'll never know, but of the three remaining kids, 1 had a relatively good childhood while the other 2 of us suffered incredibly at the hands of abusive foster parents.

 

Regardless of the lives we had, I still beleive we had better than we'd have got had she kept us. There was never an option to stay with our fathers [my sisters have no idea who their fathers are and mine is dead]

 

I guess then that my views are that in the case of unwanted pregnancy, abortion rather than adoption would be the best option. I would rather a pregnancy be terminated than an unwanted child be born and perhaps suffer the way we did.

 

I'm glad you were born Mel but this is pretty much the situation I'm referring to except the relationships ended prior to the birth and the fathers don't know about the children at all.

 

As much as this is long and complex, its something I've tried not to judge however its an issue I argue with myself over and long term, I worry about the kids.

 

I'd like to think that the kids will all grow up having had a happy childhood but am wondering whether or not their birth will affect them irrepective of how good their adoptive families were. I mean what if they grow up feeling this deep rooted sense of rejection? I wouldn 't know although I have some experience of it - I was brought up with a biological mother who has issues surrounding her own importance and my irrelevance and have no doubt her behaviour damaged me. I also faced a lot of rejection throughout my life from her if I did things she disagreed with. My own daughter faces frequent rejection from her 'sperm donor' and I see that damaging her regularly. But I can't help going from thinking giving up at birth is either a very selfish or very brave act.

[Kathyw]

Who are these girls who are giving up everything they ever worked for? Why would they want to give the baby up?

I am speaking of those who get pregnany and use abortion as a method of birth control or who have a baby to get a council flat and yes there are hundreds who have done so. what value has the child for them once they have the flat?

Not much - I see this often - some of these kids grow up with mothers who haven't learnt to be unselfish and put their own needs above the child.

 

I don't think any women who gives up a baby does it for selfish reasons unless sh has no heart because the child has been growing inside her and she would have felt for the life she created so to me it is a totally unselfish thing to do.

 

One of the owners of dogs I look after sometimes used to work in a 'pregnancy advisory' place. She believed that a woman had the right to choose but ended up disallusioned at the number of women/girls for whom it was just an inconvinience.

Yes there are many for whom the lasting effects of abortion stay with them all their lives, I am one of those but there are far more for whom it means nothing at all. They are the ones who returned time and again to have abortions because they are just too lazy/uncaring to use birth control. They don't seem to consider std's either.

 

One girl I know personally had a baby to get away from home - this child could break your heart. She calls any woman Mama. The girl had another daughter. The father of the children is a moron - 23 never worked never will. They have stand up fights in the street and what frightens me most is if they do this in public - what happens in private in front of those two little girls?.

These little girls do get love and attention from their grandparents who live near me but their home life is the stuff of nightmares.

[Rudi]

I think if someone doesn't truly want a child and is not going to love it, then perhaps they are better off with someone who does want them and love them. But it's not just babies that are adopted, older children are too and they stand less possibility of finding a family because many of them have emotional or behavioural issues (understandably). I don't know whether it's right or wrong to give children up but if they stand the possibility of a "better life", then I suppose it must be right.

 

Three of my siblings are adopted, my sister when she was just a few months old, my second brother when he was about three and the third when he was about 18 months. There are a myriad of reasons why mothers give up their children, not all are blasé young girls who don't give a stuff. Adoption effects everyone involved, the child, the birth parent/s and the new family. In the past (my youngest adopted brother is now 30) there was no counselling and no understanding of the trauma involved in being an adopted child, or any family therapy offered etc. It doesn't matter how loving the new family is, many children still have huge attachment difficulties and problems with rejection, they also know there's a possibility they have other siblings and family 'out there' that they may never know about or meet. My sister is adamant that she will never find her birth mother, one of my brothers has done so and that f*cked him up to the point where he just couldn't cope with anything. The family have not treated him well - again - they were all over him at first and he met grandparents and aunties and cousins, now he doesn't hear anything much. The 'mum' stays in touch but she's in Canada now.

 

It's a sorry state of affairs and so much more needs to be done to work with adopted children to give them the best chance of leading fulfilled happy lives. There's also very little out there for adults who require counselling in regards to issues of adoption.

[K9Fran]

Rudi what a very perceptive (sp?) response. The issue that I have come, I believe from the abscence of that most basic of bonds which is supposed to be almost sacred - the one for a mother for her child. I have three boys and I couldn't even stand to be apart from them for more than a few minutes when they were tiny - let alone hand them over to complete strangers no matter what the pressures, even the nurses on the maternity ward were resented for their attentions on my babies, and to give birth at home with no interference was just heaven. That primal rejection has left me scarred.

 

Maybe it's all down to the maternal instinct, and as in animals, some of us just don't have it?

[ReikiAnge]

Rudi what a very perceptive (sp?) response. The issue that I have come, I believe from the abscence of that most basic of bonds which is supposed to be almost sacred - the one for a mother for her child. I have three boys and I couldn't even stand to be apart from them for more than a few minutes when they were tiny - let alone hand them over to complete strangers no matter what the pressures, even the nurses on the maternity ward were resented for their attentions on my babies, and to give birth at home with no interference was just heaven. That primal rejection has left me scarred.

 

Maybe it's all down to the maternal instinct, and as in animals, some of us just don't have it?

 

There's no guarantee a mother has such a bond for their birth child though - and there are mothers who have adopted who definitely have that bond (a friend of mine for example).

 

Just as you would hope an adopted parent would want their child more than anything in the world, you would hope birth parents feel the same way - but they don't always and it's definitely possible to have faced rejection/comments that you are unwanted etc. from a birth parent, believe me. The fact that you have gone on to be a different mother to your own children is wonderful - you've broken that cycle and given your children something that was missing in your own childhood