phoebejo

I'm willing to have Rylans babies. I've always said what a sweetheart he is and I'm pleased that more people are seeing that in him rather than a camp rather bad singer. Frankie Dettori is just as lovely as I thought he would be too.

Oh it wasn't that I was thinking of, it's a few books and a rubber duck

Having not felt very festive for a long time, been more terrified than anything, but this evening I am embracing Christmas. My girls have finished school. I have a prescription drug for every occasion and two bottles of Amaretto. I can do this. I can survive. Still waiting for one or two presents to arrive but aside from that I'm all sorted.

If mine is in with the cats one, then yes we've got ours. Thank you.

A parcel for me & the cats arrived today. That's in the cats food cupboard where nobody can break into!

Put it somewhere safe, take it from one who knows.

The thief. I do not know what is going on with Ellas eye but I like it! Lots of excited bouncing on and off the sofa! On behalf of naughty Lizzie, happy Honey & ashamed for her sister Ella, I'd like to thank our Secret Santa and apologise.

A theft has occurred. Lizzie has stolen the parcel that arrived for her to share with Ella and Honey I'm gutted to have missed out on all the fun of seeing their presents opened It was one of those "I wonder why it's so quiet" moments. It wasn't Honey, she was with me, Ella was pacing looking mortified and Lizzie was surrounded by the packaging, chewing on a rawhide. Honey was delighted with the scene we walked into, grabbed a toy and started running around happily squeek squeek squeeking away. Ella carried on pacing, she does this when something BAD has happened while Lizzie chomped away on unashamedly. I tried to take photos, not sure if anything decent is amongst them, there was too much movement! Hang on while I look.....

My tattoos https://twitter.com/...1883648/photo/1

I'll miss Rylan, he was really sweet and such a nice chap. I'll have to cheer on Jahmene now, he used to work in our Asda although I have to say he doesn't have a Swindon accent. Where is he from?

I wondered why he was late coming to bed last night. Actually he banged and crashed around so much it woke me up and I remained awake until 6am I used my time awake wisely by watching a couple of episodes of Vampire Diaries and replying to a snotty message my brother had left for me. Big day tomorrow. I've got to go to Witney for an assessment for psychological counselling. I've been trying not to think of that but the exciting event afterwards. I had a tattoo done about 13 years ago and have wanted another one ever since but never gave it much thought. In the back of my mind I've thought I might like one with stars on it, one for each of the girls. Then a while ago I got served by somebody who had words tattooed onto the inside of her arm. It looked lovely but I wasn't close enough to see what it said. I then felt inspired! I'd heard a song that included the line 'Tomorrow finds the best way out is through' and that line meant so much to me. It just so happens that the tattoo parlour that was recommended to me is about 500 yards away from where I'm having the assessment. So tomorrow afternoon I'm having my tattoo done Instead of stars, each of the girls have chosen a symbol. Daisy has a daisy, Molly a horseshoe in Kauto Stars colours, Emily a butterfly and Georgias is a cross between a paw print & a heart. I'm not totally sure on how it's all going to be arranged on my arm but I'm sure we'll come up with something. While Googling tattoo designs I spotted something else that I love and cannot live without so I'm having that done too while I'm there I've dyed my hair pink. I am not having a mid-life crisis

Two books, a Trunki and a Christmas tree. Very pleased with the money I've saved and all bought via the Easyfundraising site so Dogstar benefit too.

Me too. Going to enjoy some online shopping this morning.

I've sent ours.

One of my colleagues had a bet at 9/2 that would be the result last night. As soon as I saw it on Digital Spy last night I went over to Twitter to tell him the good news. He was delighted!

A much better day today and tomorrow will be fab too because I'm meeting up with Claz

I'll be brief, because I'm knackered and totally overwhelmed but will write more later when I'm calm. It's well worth being a mentalist in Oxfordshire to be seen by that man Oh he was lovely I'm to increase the dose of Venlafaxine I'm on and he's writting another referral to go alongside the CBT chaps one to the psychological counselling team. He says meds aren't going to make me better but good, hard core intensive counselling will. So I said "that's lovely, so what do I do in the six months or so it'll take to start that?" but he reckons with his clout and my other referral letter it'll be a couple of weeks. I've had lots of messages from lovely people I thought I didn't have many friends but as it happens the ones I do have are obviously very special because between them they seem to be making sure I'm not left on my own for too long.

You lot are luffly

Oh I've done plenty of silly things but there are people who I can call. I've never reached the stage where I can't be on my own before so I reckon tomorrows appointment has come at the right time.

My lovely GP only works one day a week but the surgery know that if I phone to get an appointment they have to have someone see me ASAP. I've only done that once though, I hate seeing strangers. We'll see what happens tomorrow, but I think I'm going to suggest to Mr Hazell he needs to take some time off work. If the last two days are anything to go by, I can't be left on my own at the moment. He went to bed early last night, I played with my meds

Sometimes Mr Hazell is a huge help, others he's an insensitive pain in the arse. He started today well but has gone downhill I've kept much of it from the girls and I don't really have any friends in Faringdon. I have a few friends online who have been hugely supportive, and there is one who I meet up with from time to time. It helps to speak to like minded people. My counsellor and I came to the conclusion on Friday that I'd better be out of the house on the anniversary of Alans death so if I'm not in the nut house I'll be with my friend on the 22nd.

Thanks to Jayne for offering to do SS this year, I'm in no fit state On Friday I finished a 6 week course of CBT which I've been a spectacular failure at. Each week I have to fill in a form, tick boxes etc and the scores from that say how depressed & anxious I am. People doing CBT are supposed to have lower scores each week, mine have shot through the roof so he's referring me to the psychological counselling team for assessment then they'll decide what counselling to try next. I was assessed by a psychiatric nurse at the end of July, and did really well over the summer holidays, but have gone downhill since, more so in the last two weeks. Tomorrow I'm seeing a psychiatrist I'm a danger to myself at the moment so I'm TERRIFIED I'll be admitted to the nut house. Aside from you lot & the NHS, I can count on one hand the number of people who know how ill I am. I've been brilliant at hiding it for so long. It's hard work and I'm tired.

I'm hoping that October is going to be better than September. So far so good.....

Where did August go? How can my girls be going back to school on Wednesday? How will I ever be ready to leave the house at 8.40am when I've been used to getting up at 10.30am?

They let me out of the Nut House It took FOREVER! The grilled me for two hours. Some of the questions were utterly ridiculous and made me giggle, do I think people on the telly are passing me messages or speaking to me? So I'm officially agrophobic and suffering from severe depression and anxiety disorder. No s**t Sherlock! I hadn't been sure about the agrophobia, because my grandad never left the house for eight years, I can sometimes but only with other people and there are certain places I cannot ever go too because they make me too anxious. I have homework to do, have to come off of one of my meds bit the sicky ones I can take all at once in the morning because they make me more sick when I take the night time dose. I don't think the day I go on holiday is really the day to start fannying around with my already fannyed about too much meds so I'll start to drop the baddie one when we get back. I'll do my homework then too, not bloody doing it now! I was going to pack last night, while Mr Hazell took the dogs down to his mums near Weston Super Mare but instead I made him take a de-tour through Bristol so I could spend the evening with Sarah Hendy who lost her beloved brown baby Bran yesterday We had a lovely evening drinking wine in the back garden and I think it helped us both. I can count my real life friends on one hand with fingers to spare. We got back just before midnight. Whoops! I'm having a cup of tea, then I'll pack, then I've got to drive to MK to collect my parents, drive back here for lunch, load up the cars, put my parents, Daisy & Emily in my car, Molly, Georgia & Mr Hazell in his, I'm picking up Daisys best friend Jess, he's picking up Mollys best friend Becca, we're all meeting up for a wee at Chievely services before heading down in both cars to Bournemouth My Sainsburys shopping is being delivered between 7 & 8pm and we're staying in to watch the Olympic opening ceremony before collapsing in an exhausted heap into bed!