Parental Roles

[fee4]

there is a thread in Chat regading the specific case of the little girl in portugal-taking sams advice to raise the controversial discussion areas of parental responsibility away from that thread-i have started this.

 

so.

 

when is it acceptable to leave a child alone? never? only over 12/14/16?

what is an acceptable level of supervision-same room/house/area/in sight?

 

just wondering if as a society what is acceptable has changed over time

 

over to you

 

fee

[JoC]

This is something that intrigued me. My friend lived in a small house, and one night went to her next door neighbours barbeque but took her baby monitor with her so she could hear her baby.

 

Part of me just 'felt' it was wrong, but in some ways it's no different to people with big houses going into their garden while the baby is asleep?

 

Is it about distance or location?

[Kathyw]

I am not a Mum but I am disgusted that this child and her siblings were left alone, there is no excuse whatsoever.

 

The fact that there were babysitting facilities available just makes it more irresponsible in my eyes.

I do not see it as a punishment that their child was taken but my sympathies are with this precious child not with the parents.

[greyhound pal]

From my perspective, when abroad, my kids are beside me all the time. I've never left them alone in hotel rooms or apartments at all. They're now aged 10 and coming up 15. My youngest has never been left alone although I've left her with her sister for short periods (ten minutes or so) at home. I've started to leave my oldest home alone for longer periods of time now. I'm a little over-protective because of something that happened just after oldest was born.

 

My immediate thoughts when I heard about this little girl was 'where were the parents' and I admit that I did wonder what they were doing leaving their babies alone in an apartment abroad even if they could see the apartment from where they were sitting.

 

However no one would leave their kids alone like this even imagining that this could happen. As a parent I've made (more than) enough mistakes with my own two to know that the guilt and self-punishment these parents are giving themselves at the moment will be total torture. The worst part of being a parent is knowing that everything you do adn each decision you make is a risk and there are very few times that you know you've made the right decision. Its tough.

 

Its just a dreadful dreadful thing to have happened and I really do feel for the family and hope this little girl goes home safe and sound.

[greytgirl]

I am not a Mum but I am disgusted that this child and her siblings were left alone, there is no excuse whatsoever.

 

The fact that there were babysitting facilities available just makes it more irresponsible in my eyes.

I do not see it as a punishment that their child was taken but my sympathies are with this precious child not with the parents.

 

 

I agree, but I am a mum and personally I wouldn't even use the child minding services, I wouldn't know these people from Adam..they may be fabulous at childminding but afraid NO stranger would be minding my child, either at home or on holiday.

My daughter is 6 and she will not be left for ANY amount of time for ANY reason for many years to come. I do accept I am very over the top on this issue, I probably am too overprotective..this I accept, but I would rather this than taking the slightest risk innocently and paying, or rather my daughter paying for it for the rest of our lives

[cockergirl]

I don't have kids but I would never, ever leave children of this age on their own, especially not in a busy holiday resort in a foreign country. I know the parents said they were only 50 yards away or whatever but to me it just wouldn't be something I'd even think about taking a risk with. God only knows what they must be going through right now though so whilst I think they were very stupid my heart still goes out to them and even more so to the little girl

 

I'm an only child and I think I was about 13 or 14 when my Mum first went out and left me in the house by myself in the evening although it was only for maybe a couple of hours and as we had 2 dogs and I usually had my best friend around as well (we were inseparable) I wasn't really alone. I think the first time she and my Stepdad went away for a weekend and left me at home I was 16 and my friend come to stay with me as well. The thing is though my family are very close and my Mum and Stepdad only live 5 mins away from my Granny and both of my aunts so I still went to Gran's to get fed and stuff and my aunts and cousins were all around as well and we could also go to my friend's house as it was only 10 mins walk away.

[Kathyw]

I agree, but I am a mum and personally I wouldn't even use the child minding services, I wouldn't know these people from Adam..they may be fabulous at childminding but afraid NO stranger would be minding my child, either at home or on holiday.

My daughter is 6 and she will not be left for ANY amount of time for ANY reason for many years to come. I do accept I am very over the top on this issue, I probably am too overprotective..this I accept, but I would rather this than taking the slightest risk innocently and paying, or rather my daughter paying for it for the rest of our lives

 

I do not think you are overprotective or ott - you are her Mum and while you cannot guarantee everything will always be alright, the fact that you take your responsibilities as her parent seriously would, to me, mean that it would not be because of anything you 'left to chance'.

You are her best protector in this world and you take that responsibilty seriously. Well done you

Edited May 5, 2007 by Kathyw

[akitas]

I am a single mother of 3 children.

When I was married, I cherrished the time my children were asleep. I lived in a huge ground door flat and in the summer evenings my husband and I enjoyed sitting in our garden, enjoying peace and quietness.

I never thought somebody could break in and "steal" my children. Nevertheless, as the flat was big, people could have broken into it, without us even realising.

Same when we were in our bedroom, we wouldn't have heard what is going on in the kids bedrooms.

When they were little we had a "baby phone", but when they got older and had reliable sleeping patterns, we didn't use it anymore.

In the night we switched it off as the noise it made drove me mad.

 

I am a firm believer that you cannot look after your children 24/7.

I agree when they are small they should be supervised, nevertheless, there might be moments where it is unavoidable to leave them.

 

Once when my children were small my husband suddenly felt very ill and needed be taken to hopsital, wake the kids up at 2am??? Wake a neighbour up? What do you do?

 

I try to eductae my children to be independent. If I wrap them in too much cotton wool, they will get paranoid with fear as what could happen to them.

 

I cannot be with my children all the time, as a single parent it is just not possible.

My kids walk to school on their own ( a very short way I have to admit), I believe it gives them self confidence and helps them. Saying that, my children are not 3 and 2 years old.

 

I grew up with a full time working, single mother. We had rules we had to stick to to make it work. My granny lived upstairs, nevertheless, my sister and I were on our own.

 

Wherever I go, I just wouldn't expect things like this to happen, abducting children, burning dogs, etc. And I refuse to believe that it will happen every day.

I need my trust in people or I will go mad and I need my children to have a positive outlook on life, without being scared of everything, because their mother is scared that something could happen, possibly, maybe.

That wouldn't be a way for me to lead my life.

 

From my point of view, it is just not possible to be always with your child/ dog/ partner etc....

 

Now you can burn me on the stakes ;-)

[Jacobean]

I am very protective where children are concerned. They are so precious and vulnerable. I haven't been lucky enough to have any but would never leave a small child alone. I have looked after children in the family. I think if you're on holiday it's even worse and I just couldn't trust a stranger to look after my children.

[Mrs Mop]

When my youngest was 9 months old, he is 36 now, we went to Pontins and they had a babysitting service but we never left them to go to the evening entertainments, we stayed with them.

 

I don't think it is acceptable to leave children like this unless you have some form of comunication like a baby alarm, being next door with this is just like being downstairs but no further.

 

Many children are left like this without any problems, 8 years ago I was in Cornwall in our caravan and the van next door had their 8 month old child in a tent outside with their 4 and 5 year old children. They couldn't hear them during the night, it was my dogs that alerted that the children were crying.

 

I do feel sorry for the parents, like a lot of parents they thought their children were safe and they did check then regularly so are not bad parents but they will never recover from this because of the guilt.

[Fiona711]

I agree akitas and i certainly wont burn you at the stake , i am a single mum too and you are right you cannot be with them every minute and they cant be wrapped up in cotton wool no matter how much we would like to sometimes

 

When my oldest daughter was a baby i lived in a flat and had to use the laundrette downstairs , she never got up until around about 10 am and my time for the laundrette was 8 - 10 am so i either had to lift her and have a very grumpy baby to deal with or take the baby monitor with me while i went down and stuck the washing in the machine , bearing in mind i had to carry a basket of washing and soap powder down a flight of stairs there was no way i could do it all in one trip so she had to get left at some point , i am not talking about her being on her own for the whole 2 hours but while i put a load in then went back down to stick it in the tumble drier , no i didnt like leaving her but the amount of time it took to stick a load in was probaby about the same amount of time it would have taken me to put her in her pram and take her with me .

 

I also liked my "me" time when the kids were wee and tucked up in bed in the summer i used to sit out in my garden too which i suppose could be classed as leaving them home alone as the part i sat in was way up the top of the garden away from the house.

 

I think it is impossible to take your kids with you every time you go outside to do anything , it is so easy to say i would never leave my child alone but sometimes in these circumstances theres nothing else for it .

 

As for the questions of what age can kids be left legally at 14 a child can be left alone in charge of their siblings , but for me that would depend on how responsible the 14 year old was , as we all know kids mature at different times .

 

Fiona xx

[JessandCos]

I think the point that is being missed here is that there was forced entry through the blinds. It is very possible that this little girl was being watched and whoever took her knew the parents were not there.

 

If I remember rightly there have been children abducted in the UK whilst they have been in the bath in their own homes, with the parents downstairs, there have been children abducted from their own back garden whilst camping and the parents were in the house asleep, a child abducted on a two minute walk back home and the list goes on and on. Do you also feel that the parents lacked responsibility on all these tragic occasions ? Are they tarred with the same brush - I would hope not.

 

If it would not have been that girl it would have been another at a later date, maybe another resort, whoever abducted her knew what he/she/they were doing

 

You cannot be with your kids 24 x7, as a single mum of two, for the last 12 years I am very much aware of that as is Akitas

 

It is very very sad that everyone is so judgemental on the parents and tarring them for something so tragic, I am also very sure they were not the only parents at that resort who had left the kids in the villa/hotel room that night and had gone to have a quiet dinner on their own for an hour.

[Ian]

I agree, but I am a mum and personally I wouldn't even use the child minding services, I wouldn't know these people from Adam..they may be fabulous at childminding but afraid NO stranger would be minding my child, either at home or on holiday.

My daughter is 6 and she will not be left for ANY amount of time for ANY reason for many years to come. I do accept I am very over the top on this issue, I probably am too overprotective..this I accept, but I would rather this than taking the slightest risk innocently and paying, or rather my daughter paying for it for the rest of our lives

 

 

We may have disagreed on the other thread but here I'm with you almost 100% - the only differences being I don't think you are over the top - just a responsible and caring Mum - and I'm not myself yet a parent

 

I am not a Mum but I am disgusted that this child and her siblings were left alone, there is no excuse whatsoever.

 

The fact that there were babysitting facilities available just makes it more irresponsible in my eyes.

I do not see it as a punishment that their child was taken but my sympathies are with this precious child not with the parents.

 

Couldn't agree with you more.

[mooandboo]

My Dad (now73) saved his sister from a paedophile when they were very young by throwing bricks at him. As a result I grew up with very protective parents. He also outed two teachers who were later charged with child sex abuse so I was always very aware of what could happen. Ceri is 10 and has never been left with anyone - not even grandparents. OH and I have never been out without him in 10 years & wouldn't have it any other way. We suffer financially but rather that than leave him with childminders etc.

 

Childless friends have invited us to parties in London with the understanding that we get a babysitter for Ceri - needless to say we didn't go. One had arranged for her elderly (and very lovely) father to look after any children so that their parents could attend a party. Many of our friends took up this offer - we didn't.

 

I wouldn't ever use a babysitter or service anywhere. As far as I'm concerned Ceri is our responsibility, no one else's & I take that responsibility very, very seriously.

 

OH had been talking to his boss earlier about this & he said that when he was small he was at a local market with his father who was busy looking at stuff on a stall. A stranger took hold of his hand and walked him away - being young he didn't protest but luckily his father noticed quickly & rescued him.

 

I once saw a very respected local childminder leave a 9 month old baby in a double buggy outside a bank - she took the older child in with her. I sat with the baby until she came out - I could so easily have walked some distance away with him before she would have noticed.

 

How I am with Ceri is my choice - I would never judge anyone else because I don't know their circumstances.

 

Edited to say that I do judge my neighbours because I know their circumstances and I am appalled at how they rely on me and other neighbours to keep their children safe while they sit smoking all day, oblivious to their childrens' whereabouts - at least they did until I'd had enough one day last week

Edited May 5, 2007 by mooandboo

[Ian]

I am very protective where children are concerned. They are so precious and vulnerable. I haven't been lucky enough to have any but would never leave a small child alone. I have looked after children in the family. I think if you're on holiday it's even worse and I just couldn't trust a stranger to look after my children.

 

 

I totally agree