Pain, Grief, Guilt And Loss

[Peachy]

I wasn't sure if I should post this, my thinking being that it might make me feel worse rather than better but I've decided that it's better to post it and face how I feel rather than hide from it.

 

I lost my beloved Reggie Roo on 2 September last year and it still hurts like hell. For the past few weeks, I've been so on edge and emotional. I feel like I've been permanently pre-menstrual. I can't stop thinking about Reggie or, worse still, how he died and I miss him terribly. I know he's gone but I can't help but feel so guilty and sad. I wish I could have done more to help him.

 

He slipped on a Sunday morning, climbing the step into the caravan that the insurance company had put on my driveway following the July floods. He cried out in pain so I took him straight to the vets. A x-ray showed he'd broken his hip. The x-ray also showed bone cancer so the vet suggested he wasn't woken up again. He was 11. I look back and feel pushed into making a decision. That maybe an amputation would've been better but I also know that time wasn't on my side. That maybe I should have taken him to the vets sooner and not assumed he was just a bit stiff in old age. I was with him when he left me but he was under a GA so I know he didn't know I was there which makes me The last time he knew I was there was as he was being sedated on the floor in the vets. He must have been terrified

 

Do I feel like this because it's approaching the first anniversary? Do other people carry this sort of baggage around with them? I'm an emotional person anyway and carry guilt for many things that I can't influence. I probably need to learn to let go a bit more.

 

I think what I'm asking is; is it normal to feel so much hurt nearly a year on? If it's ok, please tell me but also please feel free to kick me up the bum if that's what's needed instead. I feel so confused.

[loobie]

It will be 4yrs in December and January that I lost my girls, and it is 3yrs 6mths since I lost my Harry. Not a day goes by without me thinking about them, me and the boys talk about them all the time, still the first thing I see on waking is their photos on my bookcase in my bedroom. And yes I still cry about them a hell of a lot, I spent nearly all day on Sunday crying for them.

 

It is something that Sarah and I were talking about yesterday, the pain doesnt go away and personally I feel that you mustnt fight it, if you are feeling sad allow yourself to feel sad. when I think about my babies my stomach goes into a knot and if I am honest I feel sick the pain is so much, but the love I feel for them is so much as well, I think the pain comes from the love.

 

Sorry I dont think I have said any of this right I find it hard to convey the depth of what I feel

[JACKYSIAN]

I'm so sorry.

 

I don't think you can put a time limit on pain. I've just lost Cosmic and although I'm alot calmer now I still feel like my world has fallen in. I feel awful saying this but I'm grieving harder for her than I did for my Naine (Gran) who I lost last year. When we went on sunday to collect Cosmic my mum told me that she found loosing their dog Maxwell harder than loosing her dad!!! She said she'd never told anyone that before but knew I'd understand.

 

I've spent the last few nights in turmoil not knowing if Cosmic wasn't ready to go, if I rushed into making the decision and the way she went (she didn't go without a fight) hangs heavy on my heart.

 

The vet said to me on friday as I was crying like a fool, that he'd be worried if I wasn't crying. He said you can't spend a huge part of your life with these animals without having some feelings.

 

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way and I hope knowing people here understand helps you in some way.

[chrissie]

I don't know if you should or should not feel like you do; but I'd feel the same way. I think the general rule of thumb is 2 years before really starting to recover from major grief. for you; he would have known you loved him.

Edited August 26, 2008 by chrissie

[suzeanna]

I dont think you can say anything is "normal". The way different people react to loss is ..well...different! I cried for months and months after my papillon Revel died as it was unnecessary and a dreadful shock, and I still well up when I think about him. I've lost older dogs who were definitely at the end of their lives and although I do feel sadness and I miss them, it's nothing like the way I feel about Revel. He shouldn't have been hurt and he shouldn't have had to be pts, but we were stoney broke and he wasn't insured, plus the vet felt that it would have been very difficult if not impossible to mend him. How long ago...well...lets think...fourteen years?

 

I think all you can do is tell yourself that what is done is done..you can't turn back the clock however much you might want to...and try to remember the many happy times you had.

[Sherlock Bones]

Kelly I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

 

I also know that all our dogs know we're there, no matter whether they're conscious or not, and the decision you made was right for Reggie and it was one made only with his feelings in your heart, not for you.

 

We suffer because we care and you are only mourning the loss of someone you loved, which is absolutely allowed.

 

We could all look back and say what if... but we aren't often given the chance to do that because we simply don't know what if. We have to go with our hearts and with our gut feelings - and you only did that with Reggie in your heart - and for that, he'll thank you.

 

Think of those silent paws.. always there, always with you, and always greatful that you loved him enough to let him go.

[snow]

Absolutely normal - no matter what the circumstances when you lose someone you love the grieving process takes as long as it takes - and I'm not trying to be blase about it or glib - everyone is different, every loss is different.

 

To lose Reggie under those circumstances was tragic, we lost our Olaf in a similar way aged 8 - that was almost 7 years ago now and every time I read about someone elses dog having bone cancer but then going down the amputation route and having several more years I wonder did we do the right thing? But I cling to the fact that every dog is different, and the cancers can be in the same general areas but more/less advanced than others and have a greater/lesser chance of a successful outcome. In our case I trusted in my vet and made what was a dreadfully hard, devastating decision, but which I beleive was the right one with what we knew then.

 

There are times when grief over my animals that have gone to the bridge still wells up even though many years have passed, I still miss my Sabre even though it's been 17 years and now and again the feelings can be sharp and hard and just as painful as they were all those years ago but they don't last as long and to me it serves to remind me of him and just what he meant to me and that in turn leads to more memories, happy ones remembering why it was that he held such a special place in my heart and why he will live on in my heart for always. (And thats just made me well up even typing this now).

 

I beleive that grief is the price we pay for the privilege of loving and being loved, it's a high price but one I willingly pay.

[Peachy]

Thank you all for you kind words. I'm hopeful of feeling a little more 'together' after next week and feeling like I'm not about to cry at the slightest thing. It also makes me more panicky about the other dogs.

 

I'm so sorry Jacky I haven't been online much over the weekend so I didn't know about Cosmic. I remember my Dad telling me a few years ago that he hurt more when they lost their dog, Ross, that he did when he lost his Dad. He was very close to my Grandad but I guess it's more like losing someone who depends on you, rather than who you depend on, if you see what I mean. Like a child. I suppose it's because we're responsible for them and they need us to make the right decisions for them. You made the right decision for Cosmic

[lazyhound]

Kelly, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel - we are all different and it is so hard when you lose a loved one. Life is full of "ifs and buts", however I can tell you whole heartedly that the decision you made was the kindest and the right one, and because you loved Reggie enough to let him go he didn't suffer.

[tracey.s]

It's 15 months since we lost our baby Ice aged 2 and a half. I can relate to everything you're feeling. For me, It hurts as much today as it did they day he died. I couldn't post on his rainbow bridge thread on his anniversary because it's still so raw. I honestly don't think i'll ever get over it. I feel guilty all the time about it even though in my heart of hearts i know there was nothing more we could do for him.

 

It will take as long as it takes for you to heal. Same for me. You can't put a time on grief. From January 2007 until January 2008 i lost 4 dogs. One of which was a foster puppy. I can think about three of those dogs and shed the occasional tear but, mainly smile knowing i made a difference to them. But, Ice is a totally different matter.

Take as long as you need.

 

I hope you can start to feel better soon.

[collies r best]

 

I had to have Hector pts just over 2 years ago and that still hurts like hell and i still have trouble talking about him at times. He had uncontrollable epilepsey and was 6yrs old and we had been battling his epilepsey for over 2yrs and it was getting far worse . That day, having to make that decision was horrendous and i still question myself if i made the right decision.I knew he didn't want to go but his body was letting him down, he was on maximum medication, suffered side effects and still fitted daily and on that day had 5 fits and another whilst in the surgery. I just have to keep reminding myself that he went so peacefully and wont have had anymore fits at the Bridge. To be honest he was a pain in the butt, drove me mad on occassions and was a nuisance but i loved him so much and out of all the animals i've owned over the years his death has affected me far more. I dont think there is a right or wrong way to grieve for them but i think its harder when you've lost them young or to a sudden illness/accident, its the injustice that hurts as well.

Edited August 26, 2008 by collies r best

[Peachy]

It's all so hard, isn't it. Like you, Tracey, I feel just as I did on that awful day last year and then the following days afterwards. I feel empty and useless. Hollow almost. I don't think it's always been this bad - some days and weeks it's been a duller ache than this - but right now it's not nice. I keep trying to pull myself together. I'm not bottling things up, I'm letting the emotions out but then it catches me off guard again when I least expect it.

 

Right, well if it's ok to feel like this, I'll let it be for now. I'll try some TTouch with Ronnie to put my mind to some good use.

[dirtychicken]

Kelly

 

I don't think I can really offer any valid advice right now because the only loss - through death - that I've experienced was my big Bear and that was less than 4 months ago Now I can honestly say that I have many more days than not where I don't cry for him, but some days I still feel utterly debilitated with grief and ache to have him here. I'm not sure that I ever want to stop feeling the way I do now. He was a very important part of my life and I don't want to ever stop missing him. I can look back and remember the good times and just how cheeky he was, but at the moment I can replay his last few hours in my head with painful accuracy all too easily

 

As you've already been told, there is no such thing as "normal" when dealing with grief and I believe that because I also don't think that there is any such thing as "normal" in anything with anyone. Every being is an individual and can only feel what is in their hearts

 

Thinking of you

[Rudi]

I think it's perfectly normal to carry baggage, and as the cliche goes, time does help

 

For what it's worth, I think you were right not to go for an amputation in an 11-year old dog. I had the same decision to make with my 11 year old and decided against it and have never doubted it for an instant. I did have a couple of days to take it in though - my boy suddenly went really lame and was in a lot of pain and when he was booked in for x-rays the vet prepared me for the worse. It must have been awful for you having it all happen so suddenly. I was given the option of having him woken up from the GA and taking him home for a few days but I was warned that the tumour could break the bone and I think that would have been awful for him so I decided not to have him woken up. I would also have sat and cried over him and that would not have been fair.

That was 2 years and 3 months ago and it still hurts and I still go over things that happened in my mind.

 

I hope you find some peace, you haven't done anything wrong.

[owl]

Everyone feels and expresses grief in their own way so "normal" isn't a word I would use in this connection. But I would say it is quite usual for people to react in the way that you are doing.

 

I was very unprepared for how acute the grief would be when I lost my first dog, and felt guilty because I grieved more for her than I did for humans. It took another doggy person to explain that this was not uncommon as they get so close.