yena Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 If my boyfriend messed about I would be annoyed and just pack him in. If my OH or partner did it, I could never forgive or trust them again and would ask them to leave or leave myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JACKYSIAN Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I think that's the basic principle. I someone isn't happy in a relationship they need to sort it out or leave, not betray them with someone else. Absolutely agree. In my last long term relationship I told my BF if I ever felt interested enough in anyone else enough to be tempted then I would let him know, and I expected him to do the same! TBH I never did (or him for that matter) quiet frankly I find it hard enough to find 1 bloke I find remotely interesting enough to hold my attention let alone 2!! My sister is a serial cheater...and then was surprised when her 2nd husband cheated on her! The indignation and horror she showned when his affair was discovered was laughable! She didn't understand why none of my family supported her.......2 days after he left her 'new' fella was moved in anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yena Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 My sister is a serial cheater...and then was surprised when her 2nd husband cheated on her! The indignation and horror she showned when his affair was discovered was laughable! She didn't understand why none of my family supported her.......2 days after he left her 'new' fella was moved in anyway! Funny how they don't find it exceptable when the shoes on the other foot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Interested to read your opinions on this one. I have a very close freind who has been in a long term relationship for many many many years. They live together and there are children. For over half the relationship, there has been no sex, in fact none sonce the last child was conceived and they've not shared a bedroom for all of that time. There is no physical contact whatsoever. Neither partner has ever had a relationship with anyone else during that whole time, not even so much as kissed anyone else. My freind has now made the decision that staying in a lovelss relationship for the sake of the children is wrong. She feels there's more to a relationship than "getting along ok" [and I agree]. She's been desperately unhappy for many years and the situation has got to a point where the kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't like everyone elses, don't sleep together etc etc. She's recently told her other half [they're not married btw] that the relaionship is over and between them they're trying to sort things out as amicably as possible. Whilst trying to sort out the future for herself and the kids she's met and fallen head over heels for someone else. This has happened totally out of the blue, completely unexpected but the feelings between her and this guy are too strong to deny, even though neither of them particularly wanted a relationship. The other person is single, and has no children or other commitments and is totally understanding and supportive of my freinds current situation. For this reason they've made the decision not to have any sexual conatct until my mate is comepletely free form the relationship she's just ended [but still lives with OH], in the meantime they've built up a very deep emotional bond, they're both blown away by the strength of feeling between them and both feel they've found "The One" So the question is, is my freind having an affair? She still lives with the ex, hasn't had sex with the other person. If it is an affair, is it still wrong given the state of the relationship at home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yena Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 (edited) Melp - I would say that your friend is not having a affair. Both herself and OH know that the relationship is not working and have decided it is time to sort something out and move on. I would also take it that the OH knews of the affair? Edited January 12, 2007 by yena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JACKYSIAN Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 So the question is, is my freind having an affair? She still lives with the ex, hasn't had sex with the other person. If it is an affair, is it still wrong given the state of the relationship at home? I think this situation is entirely different. The relationship with her OH is over (and even though they've not admitted it has been for a long while) and she (and the new fella) are being honest, considerate and respectful of all parties involved, and that includes the kids. I wouldn't class their relationship as an affair, as everyone is aware of the situation and there is no deception involved. Good luck to her I say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trallwm farm Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I dont think its an affair either. She has done everything properly and had decided to end the relationship before she met this person,is responsible enough to have told the partner and is waiting untill the separation before moving into another relationship. I can think of nothing more harmful to children than to know one parent is "at it" and to feel thier loyalty to the other parent. Children should not be placed in this situation and why should the loyal ex partner have to suffer the pain of seperation plus watch a disloyal partner canoodling with a new partner. It kind of negates the whole previous relationship as trivial which must do untold harm to children and ex partner. If someone is low life enough to be involved in affairs or running off they should take responsibility for the harm to children and partners. I have a friend in a similar situation to your friend Melp and that person has already found out that the new person isnt what they said. However because my friend did everything in the correct sequence it has limited harm. The first relationship with children had finished so there isnt all the other anguish of disloyalty and guilt to contend with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hmmmm ... I don't know! When my OH and I were first together (I think about 6months ish) I went home to Cardiff to see my parents for the weekend, when I got back I asked him if he'd have a good weekend and what had he been up to (not worrying bout anything just catching up) he told me that a girl who worked behind the bar (not any more btw!) who he'd had a sex thing with before me had given him a lift home from the pub, no worries, he invited her in for a drink ok why? you always said she never had anything interesting to say, she had too much to drive and stayed over ... ok ... getting a tad annoyed by this stage! ... in our bed, she was on top of the covers he was underneath in boxers ... WTF?! The worst bit was his daughter was there at the time so I didn't want to go off on one, we have a spare room and a sofa so why she had slept in our bed was beyond me, I called my mate we went to a pub then went to our pub, she was working he was there (quiz night) I stood at the bar and called her a sl*t, very satisfying he told me nothing had happened I decided to believe him but every time I went away for the weekend since I had nightmares about coming home and catching him, not necesarily with her but with someone who looked like her (tall leggy and blonde) TBH I have never really got over it, his complete disregard for my feelings, he said it was funny cause she wanted him and he wanted nothing to do with her I was SO fecked off with him for not considering me but enjoying boosting his ego When we were going through that rough patch a month or two ago (seriously my memory is shocking I can never remember exactly when stuff happens!) I told him I'd been there for him through thick and thin and he'd been a tw*t which he finally admitted he'd done wrong so kinda have closure now, I am still wary though, and get jealous very easily now, if I think he is paying too much attention to a girl or a girl is paying too much attention to him I throw a strop, to be fair he's never pulled me up on it but its him who made me insecure so he has to live with the fall out In a long winded kinda way! no affairs aren't right, there is no excuse (Mel your friend isn't having an affair IMO, her relationship is over and I think she is being very restrained and good about it all) and if my OH put me in that situation again I would be kicking him in the balls and out of there so fast all he would see is dust Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ykstar Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 (edited) Melps - i don't think that is an affair. Their relationship is over - they're just trying to sort it out. I don't believe in affairs. Not for me. But, like said, I would rather (if my husband was to cheat on me) him just have sex with someone as opposed to being emotionally attached to someone else - that would be devastating to me. ..... I called my mate we went to a pub then went to our pub, she was working he was there (quiz night) I stood at the bar and called her a sl*t, very satisfying .... See - that's what I don't understand? Why was it HER fault? I'm assuming she was single and unattached... (I'm sorry that situation happened to you and I don't want to sound insensitive) Edited January 12, 2007 by ykstar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 See - that's what I don't understand? Why was it HER fault? I'm assuming she was single and unattached... (I'm sorry that situation happened to you and I don't want to sound insensitive) Its both of their faults, trust me he got just as much of an earful! BUT she knew he was attached, she had been to our home before and knew there was a spare room, she stayed the night with a man who had an OH, to me that makes her a sl*t so she got called one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trallwm farm Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I think we expect women to be kindred spirits against the enemy called man. When we find out that the women are low lifes and would lie in the gutter to have sex we realise that these women place no value on us or our sacred relationships. Therefore they are fair game for bringing lives to the gutter with them. It must be ten times as bad when there are children involved because partner and slut are dragging the children of the relationship to the gutter as well. You show me one self respecting woman who will allow that to happen to her family without both slut and partner paying for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooandboo Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 (edited) Somebody will be hurt, regardless of how it's explained (not referring to anyone's post) or there will be deceit involved which is a huge insult to the person being deceived so as far as I'm concerned affairs are completely wrong and I agree that the relationship should be ended before another one is started. If my OH had a sexual relationship with someone else it would be equally as bad as an emotional one and he would be gone - once my trust is broken that's it. Edited January 12, 2007 by mooandboo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cockergirl Posted January 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I think we expect women to be kindred spirits against the enemy called man. When we find out that the women are low lifes and would lie in the gutter to have sex we realise that these women place no value on us or our sacred relationships. Therefore they are fair game for bringing lives to the gutter with them. It must be ten times as bad when there are children involved because partner and slut are dragging the children of the relationship to the gutter as well. You show me one self respecting woman who will allow that to happen to her family without both slut and partner paying for it. I'm quite shocked by this I have to admit. As for these 'sluts' not valuing these 'sacred relationships'.... the relationship's not very sacred if one partner's out there looking to have an affair is it??! And you say in one breath that you expect women to be kindred spirits yet I assume that these 'sluts' you speak of all all women too? No mention of men in there at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted January 12, 2007 Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 I'm quite shocked by this I have to admit. As for these 'sluts' not valuing these 'sacred relationships'.... the relationship's not very sacred if one partner's out there looking to have an affair is it??! And you say in one breath that you expect women to be kindred spirits yet I assume that these 'sluts' you speak of all all women too? No mention of men in there at all... Sorry hun but I am going to be harsh here, going by your first post you are sort of in an affair, thats my take on it in any case very sorry if I am wrong! BUT going with my take on it you are looking for someone to pat you on the back and say "your not doing anything wrong, its all good" but any cheating, just sex, just emotional, both, is wrong and is breaking your partners trust. I had a relationship at 18 with a doorman, lasted about 6months, I found out he had a wife and broke up with him, I had no idea, once I found out I felt like a slut, in my eyes I was, even though I hadn't known I should have known sort of thign ever since that experience I have always made sure that there was no-one else involved, wife, girlfriend, long term partner, nothing, and I have never cheated. If a woman went after my bloke, knowing that I was involved with him she would in my eyes be a slut, if the bloke did something he would be a wan*er and whether or not we worked through it would depend on the relationship etc but yes any woman who knowingly goes after someone else's man is a slut. To be fair Lesley did mention men, she might not have used a derogatory term but she did say partner. Again, very sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick but that is just my take on your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cockergirl Posted January 12, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2007 Sorry hun but I am going to be harsh here, going by your first post you are sort of in an affair, thats my take on it in any case very sorry if I am wrong! BUT going with my take on it you are looking for someone to pat you on the back and say "your not doing anything wrong, its all good" but any cheating, just sex, just emotional, both, is wrong and is breaking your partners trust. I had a relationship at 18 with a doorman, lasted about 6months, I found out he had a wife and broke up with him, I had no idea, once I found out I felt like a slut, in my eyes I was, even though I hadn't known I should have known sort of thign ever since that experience I have always made sure that there was no-one else involved, wife, girlfriend, long term partner, nothing, and I have never cheated. If a woman went after my bloke, knowing that I was involved with him she would in my eyes be a slut, if the bloke did something he would be a wan*er and whether or not we worked through it would depend on the relationship etc but yes any woman who knowingly goes after someone else's man is a slut. To be fair Lesley did mention men, she might not have used a derogatory term but she did say partner. Again, very sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick but that is just my take on your posts. No, I'm not having an affair. There is the possibility of one I suppose but nothing has happened and probably won't. I realise that the first post isn't terribly clear As I said before as well, I'm not married. I am definitely not looking for validation or anything like it, I don't need it; I make my own decisions about things that affect my life. I was just genuinely interested in getting people's opinions on this as my friends tend to have quite divided opinions so I wanted to see if it was the same with others as well No, I was just shocked that all the blame seems to be levelled at the single person rather than the cheating partner and to call the woman a slut but not mention the cheating husband is just not on imo. Like I said before, it takes two to tango. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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