Problems With Jodie

[collies r best]

Hi , looking for some advice over Jodie my 12 yr old daughter.Firstly Jodie doesnt take well to change she likes things to plod on as per usual. She started high school in september and got bullied by a girl we knew which got sorted pretty quick although the girl still causes some aggro. Lovely and sweet in front of people then a bitch when no ones there.Jodie is very much like me a bit of a loner preferring her own company but is now down to one friend as a different girl who is the popular one with followers has said Jodies not nice and isnt to be included with them. Jodie is devastated but wont stand up for herself and is literally hiding away. She wont each lunch at school prefering to stay in the library, shes dropped out of clubs etc so she doesn't get 'humiliated'. She struggles with maths and just before they broke up for christmas all her maths class were awarded effort certificates..all apart from Jodie. This was done in front of the rest of school leaving Jodie devastated again even though her teacher has told me recently that she was pleased with Jodies progress.This obviously led to one kid saying she didnt get a certificate as she was too thick which Jodies now convinced she is. Shes been off school a bit with what i'm sure is stress related problems, is very tearful etc. When she went back after a few days off she asked her english teacher for her homework and got told if she couldnt be bothered to be at school then her teacher couldnt be bothered to give her the work and she'd have to ask others what to do.A shitty letter from me soon sorted that out lol! What the hell do i do? i alternate between tears or being furious at the moment. I've obviously got to approach the school about this but how to i tackle it without bawling or wanting to scream at them. Its gutting seeing Jodie lose all confidence, just today i've had to put up with a screaming tantrum from her then he bawling her eyes out because shes 'stupid and thick with no friends'. Basically the schools policy is we dont have bullying because we dont allow it. Anybody been through this and can give me some constructive ideas on how to go through this please?

[gooster]

Aww I was bullied most of my way through school, so know what she is going through. Managing it was a case of keeping on at the teachers until they had to take it seriously. As I was quite studious at school, I used to get called brown nose and all sorts. If it is so bad, maybe a fresh start at a different school may help? I left school 11 years ago, and don't really keep in touch with anyone from school, college or uni any more.

 

I was glad to leave education and start work.

 

Maybe for Jodie getting her some interests outside of school where she can mix with others. Dog training was my salvation - used to love my twice weekly sessions. Because of this, I made older friends and I realised I was a good person and could make friends. This then made me mature a bit quicker and realise how immature the bullies were.

[collies r best]

Thanks Gooster I dont think outside interests are much good atm just tonight shes told me she doesnt want to go to our horses any more she'd rather stay at home which has shocked all that know her and completely gobsmacked me. I'm wondering if a bit of depression is creeping in, shes just shutting down on everything wont come out with Izzie our dog either. If she could hibernate she would She seems to have labelled herself 'useless' and has given up. To be honest i'm in over my head and dont know what to do.She also has a problem in crowded places which i think is getting worse. I'd happily move her to a new school if thats best.

[murtle]

I hate situations like this where lovely people get worn down.

 

I don't know if coaching is an option, but one of our children coaches wrote the book Sam the magic genie, i think it is available from amazon but if not I an get and send you a copy. The guy who wrote it coaches and encourages children really well. He was part of the travelling community and spent his short spurts at schools being excluded etc and so left with no qualifications. He is an interesting guy, but the book I have found really good and can help confidence and things with children.

 

xxx

[murtle]

This is his wensite

 

http://liftinternational.com/

 

I think I have all the books at home if you wan any info but there is free stuff on his site

 

xxx

[blackmagic]

sorry to hear Jodie is having problems. It is always difficult to see your child upset.

 

I have no experience of this, thankfully but I found these links which may be of help

 

http://education.gg/bullying

 

http://education.gg/article/3063/Education-Welfare-Service---What-we-do

 

Write down what you want to say and hand that over if you think you will be too upset to speak.

 

If you think she os getting depressed a visit to the doctor is called for.

 

It might also be worth looking at other possible schools.

 

If I remember rightly I think Sam, (Happygreensquirrel)'s daughter had school bullying problems. She may be able to give you some advice.

[collies r best]

Thanks so much, will go look at websites now

[murtle]

One thing I have learnt with some people who feel they have no control in certain elements of their lives will assert themselves elsewhere, sometimes to the detriment of health or activities they really enjoy. You may need to encourage her to continue the activities she loves. xxx

[merledogs]

I can't offer any practical advice, but I really hope the situation is sorted soon

[Yantan]

Aw what a horrible thing for your daughter to have to endure. I really, really hope you find a way to help her cope and come through it. She is worth a hell of a lot more than the bullies.

[suzeanna]

I've spoken via email to a friend who is a primary school teacher, and she was horrified and disgusted by the way those two teachers have behaved towards Jodie (I take it two not the same one who denied her a certificate and refused homework?) She seems to think you won't get anywhere by complaining to the head, you'll only get his/her back up, she says if it was her child she'd be moving schools, pronto. For myself...is Jodie eating? is she keeping herself looking good? (washing hair, clean clothes etc.) If not, then she could be seriously depressed and I think you need to get her to a doctor and if that doctor isn't sympathetic, ask for another opinion. At twelve I imagine she's got her periods, so hormones probably aren't helping! As for friends...I honestly think some people are born with the ability to make friends and some aren't, I'm one of the latter. I switched schools several times at primary age which didn't help (dad died, mum in hospital for two years and I was farmed around various places) but even at grammar school I only ever had one friend....I wasn't bullied as such, just ignored, which can be as hurtful. Huddles of girls chatting and you're not invited to join in, always the last chosen for teams at games despite being good at them, the party invites that never came your way, that sort of thing. Sadly my daughter is just the same as me, although my son had plenty of mates. If Jodie has one friend, at least that's something...can you involve her in trying to get Jodie to re-engage with the things she previously loved? Jodie has one thing very much on her side, you care that she's distressed...my mother took the view that if everyone else doesn't want to know you, it must be your fault...I can still remember her saying one day as I cried "hasn't it ever occurred to you that it's not everyone else who's out of step, it's you?" Not much help when you honestly don't know what it is that you are doing wrong, which is what probably hurts Jodie the most, she's done nothing to warrant this. I think you do need to tread carefully as this is the sort of age that girls often slip into anorexia or bulimia, they feel nothing else in their life is under their control but they can control what they eat. I'd also point out to her that Myleen Klass, Victoria Beckham, one of Rod Stewart's ex wives, Gaynor Faye and several other actresses and singers all say they were bullied at school and that was what made them what they are today, they were determined to show the bullies just what they'd achieved in their lives. I hope you get things sorted out for her.

[collies r best]

Thank you Suzeanna yes it was seperate teachers for the incidents. The english teacher is a cow to be honest, just recently they had Alan Titmarsh visit the school. The english teacher was supposed to let jodie and the rest of that tutor group out of the lesson to meet and talk to Alan but she refused to let them out so they had to do lessons whilst the rest of the tutor group got to meet him. I know Jodies primary school teacher would be devastated at the way shes been treated and how her confidence has hit an all time low. Jodie is eating, never a great deal but shes always been like that, washing etc is normal. She hasnt started her periods yer but her hormones are all over the place which doesnt help! With Jodies friend i cant do much as she is under social worker care and cant do anything out of school without us being vetted etc, i think thats why that get on so well as they're both 'odd ones out' in a sense.

[merledogs]

suzeanna I'm so sorry your mother took that attitude, she sounds very much like my mother

 

collies If the school aren't going to do anything, then report them to the education authority. Ask them for a copy of their anti bullying policy and make them aware of what you are doing.

 

On the DfE website it says : "It is compulsory for schools to enforce measures that will encourage good behaviour and prevent all forms of bullying.

 

Kidscape says : "Head teachers must by law have a policy to prevent all forms of bullying among pupils"

 

 

There are lots of resources out there in webland. Your best bet is to find an anti bullying forum where you can post your problem because you are likely to get some practical advice from people who have been there. You need to know your (and Jodie's) rights inside out. Also try this website (bullying.co.uk). There's a number on there you can ring or you can email them

 

I remember being bullied at school and I felt so awfully isolated because I couldn't talk to anyone about it, least of all my father who I lived with. As suzeanna said, she is very lucky that she has you fighting her corner

Edited December 28, 2012 by merledogs

[greys mum]

my daughter also was bullied at a school (that didn't have bullying, cos they used to be a grammar school donchano.) She did sink into depression, but wouldn't speak to people the gp sent her to and they didn't persevere. Her saving grace was army cadets.

She wasn't into make up and the lads soon found that she could hold her own in the wrestling matches they had. She was tiny, but soon learnt to tip a 6 footer over her shoulder! That improved her confidence no end. Even now, most of her friends are men. Any female friends are from college or uni.

 

The thing that saddened me the most and really brought it home to me just HOW MUCH she hated her time at school, was when she went to the ceremony for her exam certificates. My (by then) confident young woman shrunk into a scared and timid little girl. We couldn't wait to get out of that school. She hasn't kept in contact with anyone from her school days.

 

She is now a qualified nurse and is doing great. She has times when the old black dog walks by her side for a while. But she had CBT which helped her so much with coping with life.

 

Hope that Jodie improves soon. Thinking of you both. :GroupHug:

Edited December 29, 2012 by greys mum

[mooandboo]

I would seriously look into moving her to another school - life is too short and if the school aren't supporting her you'll both find it very difficult to get anywhere.

 

I was bullied at school (new area, new secondary school - 1,000 pupils and I didn't know one of them) The teachers were useless but my parents tried their very best. Two girls started it - they'd been top at their primary school but I was getting better results in exams and they didn't like it. I ended up totally isolated and anyone who tried to befriend me was warned off - unbelievable really. I almost had a breakdown before I let my parents know what was happening but I eventually overcame it and stopped the girls concerned from moving on to someone else. It's had a lasting effect though and I wouldn't let Ceri go through it - if the school didn't act I'd move him. (He was bullied a few times at primary school but I had it nipped in the bud pronto - once by whispering in the ears of the boys concerned that I'd speak to their parents if they didn't stop and another time with the help of a very supportive teacher whose daughter had been bullied at school and a very understanding headmaster)

 

Sending huge :GroupHug: for both of you, I hope you find a solution very soon and tell Jodie from me that she will have the last laugh even though it might not seem like it just now