Depression Affecting My Work

[cycas]

Great to hear you are feeling better and that OH can come with you to meeting. Must be so difficult if both of you are suffering.

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

I don't want to be nasty, Fran. But is OH going down because you are coming up? My ex would certainly be doing that in this situation, it was part of his armoury of control.

 

Or is he also depressive and in need of medication? Men are so awful about getting help!

[Ruthi (borrowadog)]

Whoops, tried to edit that, but the board had a hissy fit and said I'm not allowed to edit my own post.

 

What I wanted to add about the ex OH was that basically, if he wasn't the centre of attention, and my attention in particular, then he would either throw a tantrum or make sure I had to set my own needs aside for his.

 

Don't get me wrong, I really feel for control freaks, because they do it out of a lack of security and a need to be loved. Trouble is that we can't put that right by being devoted to them. They can never feel better about themselves for long just because someone else is kind to them, so they just demand more and more. Its the usual thing, you can never change someone else, they have to do that for themselves. Much of what I read suggested that its usually a personality disorder that causes it (ie its nothing to do with childhood experiences, rather its how they were wired to interpret the world) and its not really curable.

 

Which brings us back to being selfish. Because no matter how much I loved him, he hated me for not loving him enough, so I had to leave.

[K9Fran]

Whoops, tried to edit that, but the board had a hissy fit and said I'm not allowed to edit my own post.

 

What I wanted to add about the ex OH was that basically, if he wasn't the centre of attention, and my attention in particular, then he would either throw a tantrum or make sure I had to set my own needs aside for his.

 

Don't get me wrong, I really feel for control freaks, because they do it out of a lack of security and a need to be loved. Trouble is that we can't put that right by being devoted to them. They can never feel better about themselves for long just because someone else is kind to them, so they just demand more and more. Its the usual thing, you can never change someone else, they have to do that for themselves. Much of what I read suggested that its usually a personality disorder that causes it (ie its nothing to do with childhood experiences, rather its how they were wired to interpret the world) and its not really curable.

 

Which brings us back to being selfish. Because no matter how much I loved him, he hated me for not loving him enough, so I had to leave.

 

A lot of what you say rings true - I didn't work for many years after we first met and started living together, when I did start it was small time and I was self employed, but eventually that wasn't enough, I just couldn't make enough money to help maintain our lifestyle and had to go full time, which meant not being available to him as being self employed had allowed. Then I found this job, which I love, but then Golden Boy started, and I found I was being encouraged by the OH to concentrate on his bad points, and he even encouraged me to hand in my notice several times, hated me bringing work problems home (he rarely talks about work because he works for the Foreign Office). Even now, we've just had the shopping delivered, and he's talking about locking away the peanut butter for himself, even though I'd ordered it for the family........

 

ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[KateG@ESSW]

Hunny, remember you asked your boss for help, and that help was not forthcoming. I take it you have copies of emails etc? You explained why you were feeling under added pressure and you asked for that to be taken into account, you could actually turn this around and let you boss know that you (in the nicest possible way ) hold him partly responsible for your performance issues... Let him know you were willing to work it through and he just has to meet you half way, and that you are still prepared to do this.

 

Bosses have a duty of care to their employees, and he ought to have recognised signs of stress and dealt with it appropriately, so this isn't all down to you.

 

Good luck for Tuesday, it probably is best to get it over with, but take lots of notes of what points you want to make, and ensure you get a copy of the 'minutes', which need to be agreed by all parties.

 

(it's KatieKoo by the way... xx)

Edited May 28, 2010 by KateG@ESSW

[merledogs]

If you are going to go to the meeting, take lots of notes as Kate says, and type them up afterwards and get them signed as an accurate reflection by your boss. If there is anything at all they ask you that you are not certain of, tell them you will need to take advice and get back to them - DO NOT let them bully you into anything. Good luck

[owl]

Just a thought about these food issues with your OH. If he has a problem with sharing food and needs to know who is eating what, there is surely no reason why he shouldn't buy his own food and keep it separate as if he were a housemate rather than a partner, and do his own cooking. If he is hitting the roof over a bag of sausage rolls, which from what you say needed to be defrosted and eaten as had been in freezer for quite long enough, or trying to reserve a jar of peanut butter all to himself, he is getting things out of proportion and not being very rational.

 

I have had problems with several very controlling people in my life, not always men. As Ruthi says, it's no good giving them what they want as they only find more things to make a fuss about.

[K9Fran]

I'd be worried if I did that he would only become more alienated.

[owl]

Yes, I see your point. He might refuse anyway.

 

I'm hopeless at relationships, so shouldn't really give advice. But I do feel for you.

[lester]

Oh I am so glad that you have come away from the Prozac!

 

Now in another area I have some knowledge--men of a certain age are best dealt with as if they were 13.