phoebejo Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 I have a problem with Emily. When she was in the reception class at school, so not even 5, one of the boys called her ugly. She's 7 and a half now yet that one comment still haunts her She always says she's ugly, hates having her hair cut because she'd rather hide behind it and this morning had a massive tantrum because I tried to tie her hair up. She has become even more conscious of her poorly eye (some of you might remember she's had corrective surgery for Congenital Ptosis which although has improved her sight wasn't a 100% success from a cosmetic point of view) and is utterly convinced that people are staring at her eye and thinking that she's ugly because of it. I tell her she's beautiful all the time but it means nothing to her. If this mornings performance over pig tails is anything to go by then this is really really beginning to affect her more than I thought Even her teacher at parents evening commented on Emilys negativity towards herself. So this evening I came up with this bright idea, I'm fishing for compliments for her! Tomorrow I will start a thread with her two favourite pictures, one of her and Catherine Chook and another of her with Wally baby cockerel. Can Fugees please reply to the thread with oohs and ahhs over her dearly departed friends but with a few comments thrown in about how pretty Emily is? I tell her all the time how lovely her freckles are and her stunning blue eyes but she doesn't believe me, just keeps saying "I'm ugly" over and over. I'll show her the replies and I hope it'll boost her confidence and make her slightly happier about her appearance. Thank you in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happylittlegreensquirrel Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Mark and I are very fond of Emily as is Noah ( just don't tell Georgia ) so anything we can do to help we will I also have a lovely photo of Emily with Holly when they where both babies and will see if I can find it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 sounds good to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemstone Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Great plan and I am sure that some fugees would have commented on how lovely she is without you even having to ask Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Poor Emily I can sympathise as my best friend once told me when we were kids that she could always tell whose above knee socks were whose because my legs were bigger than hers. You have no idea the trouble that little gem caused me over the years and I can still remember the conversation clear as a bell more than 20 years on Do you know anything about CBT? Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy. I'm not suggesting Emily needs any, but there are some very useful techniques you could try with her in general conversation. It is based on the idea that you learn thought patterns and reactions subconsiously (some good, some bad) as you go through life, and you can unlearn the bad ones and relearn them in a more positive way. Emily thinks she is ugly because she has been told so. But only once by one boy. Try to gently talk to her about how much weight she should put on one person's opinion, the difference between opinions and fact, and the very important notion of being able to ask 'where's the evidence?'. If she is told by lots of people very often that she is lovely and pretty, but only once by one person that she is ugly, which is more likely to be true? Can all those other people be lying and that one boy be telling the truth? Discuss the difference between things you think and thinks that are true: thinking it doesn't necessarily make it true. Back to looking for the evidence. If she can start to question the likelihood of this one person being right, then she can start to question her own belief that she is ugly. Obviously she is still very young but the beauty of CBT is that it can be used very simply. If you've got any questions please pm me, I have benefited hugely from CBT in the last few years and believe it can help so many people in everyday life. She's just a little poppet and doesn't deserve to have self-esteem problems so young, but it's not uncommon, sadly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexis Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Would love to help! I had a similar experience at around aged 7 when told by the same by a group of boys. Followed by years of bullying at school it's left me with not great self esteem either! So best to try and tackle it early! Mind you at the airport in Jan the woman at the check in desk looked at my passport photo ( which isn't bad for a passport one) and said to OH - ' she looks prettier in the flesh doesn't she?! ' , err thanks for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phoebejo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks Abby That's really useful. After parents evening I asked her why his words were so much more important to her than her families but she couldn't really answer. I know the boy who said it, he's still in her class, infact she's known him ever since nursery. He's not really one of her friends so I cannot understand why something he said means so much to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Certainly I think all of your girls are beautiful anyway. I was made to feel very insecure by my dear mother - maybe I am ugly, but I've given up worrying about it so much It's horrible to think of anyone else going through the same, but at least Emily has wonderful parents who do their very best to make their children feel secure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murtle Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 How awful. I'll second Abby on this one, CBT on the back of NLP is very useful to untangle thoughts we have. Unfortunately, it is likely that she won't take on board others views of her over her own at this stage. I'm still unravelling comments that my dear family have made to me over the years that I never realised had anchored so deeply and are quite hard to change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks Abby That's really useful. After parents evening I asked her why his words were so much more important to her than her families but she couldn't really answer. I know the boy who said it, he's still in her class, infact she's known him ever since nursery. He's not really one of her friends so I cannot understand why something he said means so much to her. It's not rational, that's the difficulty. And that's also the door to sorting it out eventually. I remember being completely poleaxed by my therapist on several occasions as the shutters finally went up and I came to understand that all the evidence pointed to something completely different (and every time much more positive) to what was going on in my mind. Who knows why the brain does this, but it can be sorted out These days I feel a little like Jerry Maguire but instead of shouting 'show me the money' it's 'show me the evidence' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murtle Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks Abby That's really useful. After parents evening I asked her why his words were so much more important to her than her families but she couldn't really answer. I know the boy who said it, he's still in her class, infact she's known him ever since nursery. He's not really one of her friends so I cannot understand why something he said means so much to her. It's hard to understand and I'm sure there is proper reasoning behind it. But when someone says "you look pretty" we say oh it's the dress, it's the shoes, it's the way the hairdresser did my hair....oh my brains gone...but we put the *good onto things around us* but accept (not the right word) negative comments about us to be really about us. Blimey, my brain really has gone to mush. Sorry for my witterings, it's all on the tip of my tongue!!! oh and by the way your daughters are all gorgeous - even if I can never remember who is who!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Another possibility is EMF (Emotional Freedom Technique) which can give results very quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phoebejo Posted April 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 oh and by the way your daughters are all gorgeous - even if I can never remember who is who!!! If only they all believed it Molly has no such self esteem issues though and constantly stares into the mirror saying "I'm pretty" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
murtle Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 (edited) If only they all believed it Molly has no such self esteem issues though and constantly stares into the mirror saying "I'm pretty" There are ways to break the cycle and it can be done. She is pretty, so it's not a lie and she's not had the thought for 30 odd years so should be quicker to release. Sadly it was probably a throw away comment from the lad and yet the lasting effect is huge. She's not alone though and she's very lucky to have a mother that cares so much to notice the problem and wants to resolve it. Molly believes it and so will Emily in time Edited April 29, 2009 by murtle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fee Posted April 29, 2009 Report Share Posted April 29, 2009 Oh bless her, Emily's beautiful and I'll be quite happy to say so on her thread She's very lucky to have a mum who takes her worries seriously, so many children seem to be dismissed when they have doubts about themselves. I hope a Fugee confidence boost will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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