Public Apologies Stop Hurt Feeling/gossip/etc.

[Kathyw]

A few years ago Ray had worked ghosters for almost two weeks and came down the caravan where I had stayed for a few weeks. He was very tired and a tad irritable.

Anyway we were outside the caravan having a cuppa with some of the other people down there. Ray got annoyed with me over something and really had a go at me in front of these people.

I said nothing at the time but after they left I straightened him out in no uncertain terms.

He apologised - I said how big of you to do that in private when you slagged me off in public.

 

Off he went to each of the people who witnessed his outburst and he aplogised to them and told them he has aplogised to me as he was wrong to say what he said.

Ray has courage and principles.

 

It is the easy way out to say 'Sorry I made a mistake/I was out of line/whatever in private - it takes courage to publicly apologise to someone you have publicly slated.

 

Many years before the above - I was slagged off behind my back by someone I worked with, I had no idea it was happening. I noticed a difference in the way the girls I worked with behaved towards me and wondered why, I asked but was told nothing was wrong.

I was on a weeks holiday and went to the office with Colleen (friend) to pick up something and Colleen said that XXXXXXX, a girl who worked in another office hated me. I laughed and said No sctually she is one of the few who is still nice to me. Colleen said well she was staring at you with hatred in her eyes Kate. As Colleen was not one to talk or think this way, it worried me.

Anyway long story short I had to leave. I was given a years salary and to quote my next employer 'one of the best references ever seen'.

XXXXXXX was fired a while later.

Three years later I was invited by one of the bankers to a christmas drink up at thise firm, at first I declined and then decided to go.

One of the girls from my old office approached me. She said they had tried to contact me (we had changed our phone number) and had even gone to the pubs they thought I used as they had finally realised that XXXXXXX had told lies, she had been very clever and started out with little comments that had some truth in them gradually changing to downright lies.

I was shocked as I had considered this girl a friend - she had been to my home, had been made welcome.

The reason - jealousy.

This girl had been brought up in the lap of luxury by nannies. She never knew want of anything.

She told me once after she had been to my house and was given food and a place to sleep (I was away on holiday at the time) that she could never take her friends home ( they had indoor and outdoor swimmings pools and tennis courts that no-one ever used) and that she thought I was so lucky that I had my Mum and Dad and the warmth and fun of our family life.

She could been a part of that had she wanted it yet she chose to bite literally the hands that welcomed her.

She told lies about me, said I said things I had not said. the fact that two of the girls I worked with were twins who didn't get on helped her because they rarely spoke to eacher other.

I did get a public apology of sorts but too late, far too late to repair the damage done to my trust in people I worked with, never again did I interact with collegues the way I had before.

 

The reason for this post is I have just been told of someone who has been treated in a similar way but far worse with far worse damage and hurt caused - I find that dispicable.

 

Gossip behind peoples backs causes unrepairable damage - and is inho unforgivable and the people who do this are scum.

 

Evil truly does flourish when sad, jealous people are allowed to vent their sickness and good people stand by and do nothing.

[suzeanna]

I totally agree with you Kathy...years ago when my children were at primary school, I got a job working in the kitchens...five of us including the supervisor. I had to take a couple of weeks off and when I got back no one was speaking to me! I found out that one of the women, a woman in her early fifties whereas I was 26, had been telling awful lies but she seemed so plausible and so "nice" that she was believed..I was supposed to have said horrible things about everyone behind their back, when I hadn't etc etc. I never did find out why she did it, I'd never had a cross word with her! I left, and got another job at a boarding school and it was great, until a woman started who was a friend of the cow at the first job. She was very unfriendly but I tried to be nice, and one day she turned round and said Sue, you aren't at all how Vera said you are....and we were ok after that. Its years ago now, but I still wonder what it was that made Vera be so spiteful to me, I very nearly had a nervous breakdown over it.

[Trallwm farm]

What a great post Kathy.

I too know of a situation where the boot was put in and lies told.

When its someone you trust it comes as a big shock and it takes a while before people understand the truth. I actually believed this person but hopefully the situation has been put right now.

Your post comes as a reminder that you should always contact the person who the stories about and ask the truth.

[Mrs Mop]

I am pleased that you eventually received an apology Kathy.

 

I happens online as well, I have been a victim of this by someone I considered a friend, she was then joined by someone else who was even more evil. I never got an apology but my name was cleared in a very unexpected way.

[JACKYSIAN]

Lovely post Kathy.

[BilRed]

Actually, this is good timing as I have been worrying about a situation recently where someone I used to count as a friend has spread and is still spreading lies about another friend.

 

I have tried to be understanding but really what has been said is pretty unforgivable. I spent a lot of time and energy at one point trying to sort it all out but really the person that is in the wrong is now not prepared to back down and is repeating their story at every opportunity especially as it makes them out to be the hero.

 

This has caused my friend and her family a lot of pain and still is. I haven't publically defended my friend and I know she doesn't expect me too but I feel I want too however part of my reason for not doing is I don't want to have to face this persons spite myself. I know it's cowardly but things like this really distress me and I already have a significant problem with depression. I have put people straight individually when I've had the opportunity which is not that often but is that really enough?

[Kathyw]

You can only do so much. Personally if I were in your friends position and you all live in the same area, I would threaten her with a statement of the truth in the local rag and if that doesn't stop her lies then a county court summons would follow pronto.

 

If you fear her wrath being turned on you then you have to step away - you are vunerable and this type of person would feed off you. She is not a friend though - you don't fear friends.

 

Knowing that it's jealousy doesn't make it feel any better.

[EGAR]

Treat life like a dog would, it something can't be eaten or played with and doesn't make any sense, then piss on it and walk away.

[redditchlady]

Treat life like a dog would, it something can't be eaten or played with and doesn't make any sense, then piss on it and walk away.

 

Makes complete sense to me.

 

At one point the carp was flying at me. How did I deal with it??

 

I got angry etc, but then I thought the time was better spent doing positive things. Much better, don't let the plonkers see they are hurting you.

 

Yes it hurts like hell, but whilst they are aiming at 1 they are laying off another. I hope that makes sense.

 

Kazz xx

[Fiona711]

Gossip can indeed cause all kinds of problems , however i feel that people who know you well should know that gossip is just that and if they dont and they believe what the gossips are saying then ask yourself are they really friends ? And do their opinions of you really matter at all in the bigger scheme of things ?

 

True friends should know you well enough to know that things you are being accused of are simply not true and just a figument of some sad lonely vindictive persons over active imagination .

 

The people i find more scarey are the people who take a little grain of truth from something they have either read or heard then add on blatent lies about people then lie even more to cover up the origional lies , then to make matters even worse they actually convince themselves that the lies they are telling are the truth and try to convince everyone else of that too .

 

These are the kind of people you do not need in your life at all and the best thing to do is cut all ties with them , let them say what they like because at the end of the day its them that will fall flat on their face when people find out by their own experiences with them , the kind of people they really are.

 

We are all human and all make mistakes at some point and yes i agree that if something is said in public is not true then a public apology is indeed warranted , but people who seem to take pleasure in gossiping behind peoples backs and hurting people just for the hell of it are hardly likely to stand up and be counted as sadly they dont have a back bone to start with.

 

Fiona xx

[Kathyw]

Treat life like a dog would, it something can't be eaten or played with and doesn't make any sense, then piss on it and walk away.

 

Brilliant Sarah.

 

 

 

Gossip can indeed cause all kinds of problems , however i feel that people who know you well should know that gossip is just that and if they dont and they believe what the gossips are saying then ask yourself are they really friends ? And do their opinions of you really matter at all in the bigger scheme of things ?

 

True friends should know you well enough to know that things you are being accused of are simply not true and just a figument of some sad lonely vindictive persons over active imagination .

 

Very true - I don't actually get hurt feelings for myself as my real friends who do have the power to hurt me, would never indulge in backbiting and others would never have that power over me as I do not give it to them, but I do get angry, very angry when it is someone I respect and I know that jealousy is behind it and because of the damage it can cause. And the people who listen and pass it on without checking if it's true and then add their own twopennyworth are the lowest of low to me.

[Kats inc]

I was only saying to Di last night on the phone how amazing it is sometimes to actually hear and learn about yourself via other people I've heard THE most amazing things about myself,some of which are so ludicrous I find it best to just laugh really and feel sorry for people sad enough to feel the need to do it.

 

However some things are potentially damaging to my career such as the 'she takes cocaine you know' rumour started by the ex landlady of my old local.That was dealt with firmly and swiftly

 

Apologies are great things and I think show you as the bigger and better person.

[Kathyw]

I really don't care what anyone says about me as long as it is the truth.

 

The twin sisters I worked with just didn't get on and the first day I went to lunch with one of them and before the plates were on the table she started to badmouth her sister. I thought I do not want to go down this road, I have to stop this now. So I said If you want to rant to get something off your chest then fair enough I will listen to you but please don't ever expect me to comment - I work with both of you and will not be piggy in the middle for you. She was fine about it.

The next day I went to lunch with her sister (supervisor) and had almost the same conversation.

And that is how eventually they realised that I could never have said the things I was accused of. The third girl was the one who made the apologies and said we knew you and should never have taken in what she said.

No they shouldn't have but they did.

Also just after I let they were told by one of the partners that I was given a years salary and a very good reference and they were told that had I been able to cover the three of them as well as doing my own job then they would have been fired with a months money and no references. The third girl said they were very angry about that but after they found out the truth they understood the anger of the partners.

 

I rarely went for lunch with people I worked with after that and going out for drinks after work was so rare I got a round of applause if I turned up in the pub. Damage was done.

 

I ahve seen this happen to others amny times and it makes me very angry.

[Rudi]

I can never understand why sly, conniving people are attracted to animals, they are such straightforward and honest creatures.

 

I think the only way of beating the bullies and muck spreaders at their own game is to name and shame - I doubt very much that people who lurk around sending nasty messages and whispering nasty comments would have the balls to do so openly.

 

When I first joined this forum I had a couple of PMs from someone saying that I had, apparently, made comments about them. I had no knowledge whatsoever of this person or what I was supposed to have said about them. Pathetic really.

[Kathyw]

You should have sent the pms to admin Rudi, I would have.

You have the right attitude towards these muppets but what about the people who maybe live alone and have no-one else to talk to when they are upset. This type of gossip could really make them ill.

Edited September 3, 2008 by snow