cycas Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 Dad suffered from MS for nearly 18 years. In that time he bacame mean, nasty and unpredictable. Verbally violent and mentally tortuous to my mum. Constantly putting her down makeing her feel useless. When Mum turned to the comforting arms of a male friend, we all knew and understood. There was no way she could leave Dad in the state he was in and there was no way she could have continued alone either. Every care was taken to ensure Dad never found out and non of us respected Mum any less for what she had done. Now living with her "other man" happy and content. We all love him too and dont hold any grudges against what happened. This I can relate to. After my grandmother died, we got a tentative letter from the daughter of the woman who had been his secretary. She was his daughter: we'd never known. My gran never knew, and the daughter didn't contact us when my grandfather died or attend the funeral, because she felt it would be unfair to those still living. Gran was a very difficult woman: judgemental, depressive, extremely manipulative and often downright rude (it wasn't just old age either: she was always like that). None of us blamed Grandad at all for finding a loving relationship elsewhere. It was a time when divorce was harder to come by, and he would very likely have lost his job if he had got divorced.. We did feel that it was a bit hard on his daughter and the 'other woman' that they had never been acknowleged at all - but on the other hand, it would have been hard on his wife and son (my father) if he had admitted to it, and I am not sure my gran would have survived if he'd left her. She was often suicidal. I'm not sure there was a right thing to do in that situation. I'm not judging any of them (except possibly my Gran, though I cannot imagine that she deliberately chose to be that way, given how miserable it made her). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebe Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 (edited) God if i held all the hatred that some on here seem to have i'd be one heck of a churned up woman. That depends very much on each situation, some of us never see the other woman, some of us know her and liked her at some point, and some of us have been through hell at the hands of her. Not all "other women" are the same, some just fell in love with the wrong person (even though he was married, and off limits) and some were just nasty people who do that sort of thing, and like to destroy people. Id defy anyone not to dislike intensely the Woman who almost killed my Family. This wasnt just an affair, it was torture. The other Woman isnt always as "involved" with the wifes family, as this one was. I dont hate her, I dont hate anyone, but I dislike her with every bit of my body, and Im not going to apologise for that, shes an evil person, heartless, narcisstic and my daughter is still suffering because of this woman. And has the scars, mentally and physically. Edited January 15, 2007 by bebe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amanda Jvv Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 This wasnt just an affair, it was torture. The other Woman isnt always as "involved" with the wifes family, as this one was. I dont hate her, I dont hate anyone, but I dislike her with every bit of my body, and Im not going to apologise for that, shes an evil person, heartless, narcisstic and my daughter is still suffering because of this woman. And has the scars, mentally and physically. I would have to say your experience is worst case and as shown that woman went on to do it to many others. Your average woman or 'other woman/ man' I dont believe sets out to be manipulative to someone or someones family they dont know. Sometimes its just purely in pursuit of their own hapiness or what they believe to be happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 I agree, bebe, some woman are terrible and like Amanda says a worst case scenario - but I honestly believe that you and your children shouldn't waste any energy hating her, you are worth so much more than that Interestingly, my uncle had an affair. It lasted 8 years before anyone found out, not even his best friend knew. He left his wife, my aunt, of 25 years and we discovered he had an 18mth old daughter by the other woman. He also had a 23 yr old daughter with my aunt. My aunt threatened to kill herself on numerous occasions to get him back and so, being weak in nature, he yo-yo'd between the two for about a year or so. He then contracted terminal cancer. The things that my aunt did to destroy the character of the other woman (and in the process her innocent child) are astounding. He decided he wanted his daughter (whom he was banned from seeing by my aunt...) to inherit a sum of money (a pittance in comparison to that he was leaving his family) and my aunt cancelled every meeting with the financial advisors that was arranged in order to prevent this. He was too sick to stop it. We were told this by the staff at his hospice... who were trying to assist him. He died without managing it and he died without seeing the daughter he cried for on his death bed. He did die knowing however that his girlfriend loved him, as did his little girl - WE told him. WE found them and WE acted as go between. And WE tried to carry out his last wishes. We failed because my aunt prevented every attempt we made. The lack of will went to court. My aunt claimed my uncle's daughter was not his and requested a paternity test (knowing that he'd been cremated and there was no DNA). We provided DNA to provide a comparison. She and my cousin her daughter went nuts saying that they thought if they said that, she'd back off. It was proven that the little girl was his daughter with that DNA and when the matter went to court, my aunt lost and his daughter got her money - with our blessing. To this day, my cousin says she has no siblings and refuses to acknowledge her sister. My aunt claims she was a model wife when in fact we are all aware she was not and she used to abuse my uncle. He loved her regardless. The little girl is now 6 years old and doesn't understand why the sister she longs to meet won't see her. This christmas she went to see Santa. She asked him if this year he'd bring her daddy back from heaven for her. We maintain family contact, i adore the little girl, she is a little angel and her daddy would have loved her. Her mother is the most wonderful lady, I adore her too. This is the reality of affairs... it's messy nasty and complicated. As far as I'm concerned my uncle fell in love and couldn't help himself. So did his girlfriend. My aunt didn't deserve to be wronged, but it happened. And, at the end of it, a little girl still asked Santa to bring her daddy back home . sorry i went on a bit.. I suppose that I wanted to say.. sometimes there are two sides to a story and each person and family deal with things in different ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoC Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 I am a bit surprised about all this talk of people getting their come-uppance. Do we really believe that a) people always get their just desserts (ie we reap what we sow)? and b) that it jolly well serves them right? I don't know if that applies to any of my posts or not, but I certainly don't feel that way. I don't want people to suffer because of their actions, I dont' even feel anger and wish pain on the people who cause some of the horrific suffering to animals we so often see on these boards. However, if you are 'the other woman' and you then live 'happily ever after' (or words to that effect), then it's awful and you should be burned at the stake Again, don't know if that's in response to any of my posts, but I certainly don't believe 'the other woman' is awful and nasty. As I said before, people can't be stolen and I know if my hubby had an affair, it would be a symptom of our marriage failing not the cause of it. The only thing I've had a problem is being unkind to the woman scorned after the event. Also, Bebe I think in your case the 'other woman' was just cruel, I think she would have been cruel whether she was the other woman or just a next door neighbour. I just wish she didn't still have power over you to make you still hurt, cos you deserve to be happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trallwm farm Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 Thats it though Dee. How terribly sad for BOTH daughters. All this maelstrom of emotion that leaves a path of acid in its wake. The marriage contract should be that. You are signing to say you love honour and dont shag away from the marital relationship even though that part was put in for mens benefit so they didnt have someone else child inheriting thier money. If you are unhappy in a relationship get out of it. Dont lie and cheat.If your partner is terminally ill then I can understand especially if it involves altzheimers and your partner has already "left". But in normal circumstances there should be comittment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 I don't know if that applies to any of my posts or not, but I certainly don't feel that way. I don't want people to suffer because of their actions, I dont' even feel anger and wish pain on the people who cause some of the horrific suffering to animals we so often see on these boards. Again, don't know if that's in response to any of my posts, but I certainly don't believe 'the other woman' is awful and nasty. As I said before, people can't be stolen and I know if my hubby had an affair, it would be a symptom of our marriage failing not the cause of it. The only thing I've had a problem is being unkind to the woman scorned after the event. Also, Bebe I think in your case the 'other woman' was just cruel, I think she would have been cruel whether she was the other woman or just a next door neighbour. I just wish she didn't still have power over you to make you still hurt, cos you deserve to be happy I certainly wasn't referring to you, JoC - it was more a question to those who are eaten up by a wish for revenge. Bebe, I agree with this too. Liz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebe Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 I agree, bebe, some woman are terrible and like Amanda says a worst case scenario - but I honestly believe that you and your children shouldn't waste any energy hating her, you are worth so much more than that Interestingly, my uncle had an affair. It lasted 8 years before anyone found out, not even his best friend knew. He left his wife, my aunt, of 25 years and we discovered he had an 18mth old daughter by the other woman. He also had a 23 yr old daughter with my aunt. My aunt threatened to kill herself on numerous occasions to get him back and so, being weak in nature, he yo-yo'd between the two for about a year or so. He then contracted terminal cancer. The things that my aunt did to destroy the character of the other woman (and in the process her innocent child) are astounding. He decided he wanted his daughter (whom he was banned from seeing by my aunt...) to inherit a sum of money (a pittance in comparison to that he was leaving his family) and my aunt cancelled every meeting with the financial advisors that was arranged in order to prevent this. He was too sick to stop it. We were told this by the staff at his hospice... who were trying to assist him. He died without managing it and he died without seeing the daughter he cried for on his death bed. He did die knowing however that his girlfriend loved him, as did his little girl - WE told him. WE found them and WE acted as go between. And WE tried to carry out his last wishes. We failed because my aunt prevented every attempt we made. The lack of will went to court. My aunt claimed my uncle's daughter was not his and requested a paternity test (knowing that he'd been cremated and there was no DNA). We provided DNA to provide a comparison. She and my cousin her daughter went nuts saying that they thought if they said that, she'd back off. It was proven that the little girl was his daughter with that DNA and when the matter went to court, my aunt lost and his daughter got her money - with our blessing. To this day, my cousin says she has no siblings and refuses to acknowledge her sister. My aunt claims she was a model wife when in fact we are all aware she was not and she used to abuse my uncle. He loved her regardless. The little girl is now 6 years old and doesn't understand why the sister she longs to meet won't see her. This christmas she went to see Santa. She asked him if this year he'd bring her daddy back from heaven for her. We maintain family contact, i adore the little girl, she is a little angel and her daddy would have loved her. Her mother is the most wonderful lady, I adore her too. This is the reality of affairs... it's messy nasty and complicated. As far as I'm concerned my uncle fell in love and couldn't help himself. So did his girlfriend. My aunt didn't deserve to be wronged, but it happened. And, at the end of it, a little girl still asked Santa to bring her daddy back home . sorry i went on a bit.. I suppose that I wanted to say.. sometimes there are two sides to a story and each person and family deal with things in different ways. Thats so sad. My heart goes out to the little girl, and to all of you who had to see all this hurt around you. I don't know if that applies to any of my posts or not, but I certainly don't feel that way. I don't want people to suffer because of their actions, I dont' even feel anger and wish pain on the people who cause some of the horrific suffering to animals we so often see on these boards. Again, don't know if that's in response to any of my posts, but I certainly don't believe 'the other woman' is awful and nasty. As I said before, people can't be stolen and I know if my hubby had an affair, it would be a symptom of our marriage failing not the cause of it. The only thing I've had a problem is being unkind to the woman scorned after the event. Also, Bebe I think in your case the 'other woman' was just cruel, I think she would have been cruel whether she was the other woman or just a next door neighbour. I just wish she didn't still have power over you to make you still hurt, cos you deserve to be happy She doesnt Jo, but I,ll never feel sympathy for her, and wouldnt help her if she was in need, theres not many people Id say that about. I just wanted to point out that not all these other women are victims of "falling in love" and that some of them are just not nice people. Its hard to forgive, when all your Family at suffered at the hands of someone, my Mum and Stepdad have aged 20 years this last 3 years, my stepdad is almost 80 and as little as 3 months ago had to leave Sainsburys because she was in there and kept walking past him in the aisles saying things to him. One of the things she said, apart from stuff about me which I dont really care about, was "Hows your Grandaughter? Still a Junkie?". He shouldnt have to deal with that at his age when he,s out getting his shopping. Im not consumed with hatred for her, I dont think about her all the time (only now because of this thread ) and Ive rarely mentioned her in any of my posts about CD, but I wouldnt pizz on her if she was on fire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 If you are unhappy in a relationship get out of it. Dont lie and cheat.If your partner is terminally ill then I can understand especially if it involves altzheimers and your partner has already "left". But in normal circumstances there should be comittment. I agree. I'm doing a lot of agreeing at the moment. I haven't seen anyone (I think) come on here and say that people should be able to fool around just for the hell of it - and I imagine we've all seen people terribly hurt by marriage break-ups. As I said before, though, we don't live in an ideal world and none of us is perfect. We may know in our heads what is right - but who of us is "without sin"?? We may all need forgiveness for something sooner or later, which is one reason for tempering our anger with compassion. The woman who "wronged" me - well, I realised pretty soon that she didn't. She made me look at unpleasant things and eventually I was able to move on. Yes, I was angry at her - she made a good scapegoat - but in the end, it would have been her or something else. My ex said it wasn't his fault - she was there when he needed someone to talk to and I didn't understand... Well, he would, wouldn't he? Liz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 Too right!!! Someones a very lucky laydee She will be when if I ever find her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessandCos Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 I was married, albeit very unhappily, and during that time I had affairs. I knew I was not marriage material and subsequently got divorced after 6 years, it all came out when discussing the divorce settlement. I got married very young and for all the wrong reasons and it was a big mistake For years I did not trust myself to get involved with anyone in a relationship as I knew I would struggle to be faithful for a number of reasons. So I avoided relationships like the plague as I did not want anyone getting hurt. It takes two adults to have an affair, and both parties are consenting adults and are aware of the implications and fall outs should it be found out by wives, husbands etc. It is a risk both parties take when they embark on an affair, there is no one wrong party, and cannot ever be justified, if the relationship is that bad, it should end first before any new relationships start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoC Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 One of the things she said, apart from stuff about me which I dont really care about, was "Hows your Grandaughter? Still a Junkie?". Vile Im not consumed with hatred for her, I dont think about her all the time (only now because of this thread ) and Ive rarely mentioned her in any of my posts about CD, but I wouldnt pizz on her if she was on fire Good I don't blame you for being angry with her, I'm angry with her and it's nothing to do with me! I just don't want her to have any control over your life. Should've known you're too strong for that! She will be when if I ever find her... Good god have you learned nothing from previous threads? You're gonna have to go into hiding now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bebe Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 She will be when if I ever find her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redditchlady Posted January 15, 2007 Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cockergirl Posted January 15, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2007 She will be when if I ever find her... Fancy trading in the westie?? joke joke joke joke JOKE!!!!! Dare I say it, he's actually quite cute in your avatar pic (gasp!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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