Bad Jokes

[Purrpuss]

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

 

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'

 

 

Please add more for giggles

[Spins4me]

Here's some v bad puns. They were sent to me by a friend from the USA so they're a bit American - naturally!

 

 

 

 

 

1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

 

 

 

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

 

 

 

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-- and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

 

 

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

 

 

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

 

 

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

 

 

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments.

The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

 

 

8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

 

 

 

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back.

Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms.

This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars.

 

 

 

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (This is sooo bad it's good...)

-- a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

 

11. And finally, ... there was a person who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Ian]

Not sure if that's bad or amusing

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. !

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It‘s 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests!

 

 

[BillyMalc]

Lovin it!

[snow]

THE NEXT PANDEMIC!

 

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

 

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

 

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

 

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

 

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

 

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

 

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

 

NOTE: If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

 

[Ian]

 

A beautiful woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"..

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever - don't mess with them!

 

 

[collies r best]

Apologies in advance for my daughters favourite joke

 

What do you call a snail on a ship?

 

A snailor

[Purrpuss]

Excellent

 

[chickentikka]

A NEW COMPUTER MOUSE FOR WOMEN

 

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

 

Julie from Calgary, Alberta said: 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'

 

Susan from Vancouver, BC added: 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'.

 

Hillary from Winnipeg, Manitoba: 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'!

 

Sally from Toronto, Ontario: 'It feels so natural'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[snow]

THE WINTER BOOTS

 

 

The Winter Boots

 

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

 

 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

 

He asked for help and she could see why.

 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

 

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

 

 

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

 

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

 

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

 

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

 

 

 

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

 

 

 

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

 

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

 

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

 

 

 

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

 

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

 

 

 

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

 

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

 

 

She will be eligible for parole in three years.....

 

 

[blackmagic]

Oh, I love it and so typical.

 

 

 

[Fee]

That's brilliant

[Ian]

You may need to adjust the title of this thread I think

[Ian]

 

Contains Mild sexual content, do not read if likely to be offended!

 

 

Shamelessy lifted from Gsd Dog Rescue on line newsletter / Joke a day (as easier to copy)

 

 

 

 

 

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

 

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.

 

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

 

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?â€

 

“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,†she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.â€

 

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?â€

 

The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.â€

 

 

 

[collies r best]

Ian, thats brilliant