K9Fran Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 My dear OH has 2 boys from his first marriage. The oldest is married, and the youngest isn't. They were taken from him, almost literally overnight, when the youngest was 6 months old, and the oldest just over 2. The youngest possible isn't his natural son, but the son of his best friend (who is the man their Mum ran away with). He wasn't able to maintain contact with them because of thier Mum's attitude to him - making arrangements and then breaking them. They have been told alsorts of stories about how he's not a fit Dad (well believe me, he's doing a fine job with our two boys and my son) Today he found them both on Facebook, and is desperate to make contact with them. He's already sent a message to the oldest ones wife, and is now sending a message to the oldest one himself. I'm trying to convince him to take baby steps (I'm adopted, so I've got a bit of a handle on how he's feeling) but I've got this horrid feeling I'm watching a car crash happen in slow motion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby Posted April 23, 2009 Report Share Posted April 23, 2009 It must have been heartbreaking for him I think all you can do is be there for him and maybe try to gently steer him through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 If he is very patient, it may work eventually; I just hope he doesn't expect an instant (good) response. I think he should regard the first moves as just that, and keep the door open, whatever they say initially - even if they seem quite rejecting. Also, it's vital he doesn't say anything negative about their mother, even if she was less than helpful along the way. Their loyalties are bound to be with her, and they won't want him upsetting their view of the woman who's brought them up. They'll respect him more if he doesn't apportion blame but they'll see, in time, that he isn't the ogre their mother painted. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happylittlegreensquirrel Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 may even be worth looking at an Intermediary Service to contact them on his behalf and set up any potential meetings I know adoption support groups often recommand using a third party for initial contacts and although it's not exactly the same as a adoption there are some similarities from the children's viewpoint Good luck with it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smirnoff Posted April 24, 2009 Report Share Posted April 24, 2009 It must be breaking his heart all over again to know that contact is so close but not yet tangible. I guess he needs to make it clear that he's always wanted to be in touch but couldn't find a way and that he doesn't want to upset existing relationships and he'd be happy just to keep in touch via facebook. (To start with, of course!) I really hope this works out. I know of other cases where it's gone really well. Good luck to you all. Diane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K9Fran Posted April 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 An update - the oldest son has removed his profile from Facebook, without contacting my OH. So that will be a no then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted April 26, 2009 Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 That is very sad All may not be lost forever. My aunt's son made contact with her last year. He had been told by his dad that auntie ran away because she didn't want her children. The truth was that she took the children with her and their dad snatched them back by force and gave them to his mum to raise. He wouldn't have got away with that now, but things were different then. My cousin sought out his mum because he had spent a long time thinking about things and found it hard to believe his dad's version. Also, as he grew older he saw his dad's faults more clearly. I hope your OH's son will come to reconsider what he has been told, preferably before he is much older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtychicken Posted April 26, 2009 Report Share Posted April 26, 2009 I am sorry This can be such a minefield, but I hope that contact is made in the future. At least oldest boy now knows how to get hold of his dad if/when he's ready Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K9Fran Posted May 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Car crash doesn't come close Oldest didn't even reply. Youngest replied but said don't try and contact me again. His Ex has contacted him and said they are both not his! That means she was having an afair for at least 3 years before she left! Now she wants to meet OH, but he says no............ I'm reading between the lines and wondering if her husband (the man she says has fathered both children) is blackmailing her to claim parentage of both children (there are secrets which would give him that power)......... Gawd - if this story was to be in a chick lit, you'd never believe it would you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus the wonderdog Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Cripes "What a tangled web we weave" Maybe you could write a best seller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 What a mess, and how devastating for your OH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 my ex recently got in touch with my kids after ignoring them for 30 odd years so ours is the other way around. My kids told him to get lost after meeting him . I hope your OH manages to get some contact going. Is there a neutral family member that he could use as a go between initially? Good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickentikka Posted May 29, 2009 Report Share Posted May 29, 2009 Will the boys even remember your OH , if they have been raised believing that 'the other bloke' is dad your OH message will have been a real shock. They have his contact details now and it's up to one of them to make a move if they want. Be extra nice to your OH please, give him a big hug and say his family love him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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