tegk68 Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 ...or are there some nice ones? We have been having dreadful problems in our family, with my niece, really dreadful. I cannot believe the sort of things a 14 and subsequently 15 year old girl gets up to. It doesn't appear to be just her but some friends as well. When I was her age, say 14, I think I'd managed to neck a shot of my grans sherry when she wasn't looking, once. My niece and her friends drink bottles of vodka for a laugh and post the results on You Tube. They seem to be completely unfazed about having sex at 14 or catching STD's. They don't seem to mind at all telling their parents to f' off and seem to delight when making their Mother or others cry. And that's just for starters... I am horrified, to say the least. I have no idea how this has all happened and who is to blame but am merely curious to know, is this how teenagers are these days?! Perhaps I was just a late developer x girly swot when I was growing up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanu Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 No not all by any means I know some very wonderful, mature, dedicated, responsible teenagers. And I also know some who were like you described and have changed into wonderful, mature, responsible adults who are now fighting for you and I in the gulf. God I'm proud of them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimthecat Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 Sounds a nightmare I think society is to blame. Ali Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tegk68 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 (edited) No not all by any means I know some very wonderful, mature, dedicated, responsible teenagers. And I also know some who were like you described and have changed into wonderful, mature, responsible adults who are now fighting for you and I in the gulf. God I'm proud of them Thank god for that! I bet you are, rightly so Sounds a nightmare I think society is to blame.Ali I wondered that. With my niece, I'm really not sure. I think it's so complicated and so hard to understand. perhaps it is the result of many things, society included. I am struggling with this situation. She basically accused my brother (her father) of abuse two weeks ago. He got interviewed by the police, she got taken into care. Social services started interviewing everyone. The police have dismissed all the charges today, thank god. We still don't know where she is and with whom. She hasn't been to school for the last two weeks. The accusing my brother thing I think stems from the fact that she is desperate to move out of home and as she is 15 she can't. She has a 19 year old boyfriend she has been sleeping with for the last year and a half whom she is deeply involved with and wants to live with. She has lied so much and done so many awful things over the last 18 months including hitting her mother and younger brother around, telling everyone her Father hits her and her mother. This last thing she told to the mother of her boyfriend last year in the hope I think that she could stay at his. Unknown to her, the woman called the police that time and they came racing round to my brother's to see him, only to find he was at sea in a submarine and had been for the last 2 or so months. She then 'fessed up' that it wasn't true. Tis truely gob smacking. Loads more besides. now what I find confusing is that her parents in the last two weeks have switched from being totally beside themselves with worry and wanting her back home to being really cool and saying to us they don't want her back! I can't sort of comprehend this and am struggling between my loyalty to my brother and my concern for my 'missing' niece. ooo dear, is this a bit personal and now wildly off topic.....? Edited July 15, 2008 by tegk68 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooandboo Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 (edited) I worked with teenagers for four years teaching art and graphic design. I can honestly say that I didn't meet one that I didn't like, even the cocky ones (and the girls I founds stoned on cannabis in the college toilets who I sent home ). What I found was that once I went beyond the outer bravado, arsiness, whatever, and talked to them as if I was genuinely interested in what they had to say (and I was) they responded really well. I really miss all of them Sorry Helen, didn't see your last post - I'm so glad your brother was proven innocent Edited July 15, 2008 by mooandboo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanu Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 I wanted to add, that at 14 I could quite easily have been a f****** nightmare. My Mum knew though that she would have to keep me and my sister occupied if we were going to stay out of trouble and not fall into the common gangs/groups that were around the area we lived in. My parents had worked hard to leave that stuff behind and she was damn sure that my sister and I weren't going to be dragged into it. To that end, she enrolled us in every goddamned after school activity she could. By the time I was 14 I had been in Girls brigade (not for long I don't think), Brownies and Guides (about a year each I think), I had swimming lessons/coaching since I was about 5, I had music lessons and she made me join the school orchestra as well as the council run orchestra. I had also joined the schools netball, hockey, tennis etc etc teams too - both my sister and I were very very busy children! When I was 13 I found out about the air cadets, and the very day I came home with the leaflet she drove me to the local unit and I joined. I know I go on about it a lot but I honestly believe that cadets was the making of me. I was an intelligent girl (i got into the grammar school and stuff) but I was still a bit of a handful (possibly I was bored, I dunno), I didn't quite "fit in" at school although it helped being fairly good at sport and being on the school teams. Cadets though gave me something completely away from the girls at school - it gave me an education in social skills, team work, responsibility etc I am certain that without it both my sister and I would have turned out very differently. I've seen how the cadets has changed the kids that have joined, given them confidence and opportunities to do things that they would otherwise never have - by the time I was 16 I had flown in 3 different fighter aircraft, numerous military helicopters and other fixed wing training aircraft and transporters, at 17 I completed an RAF flying scholarship, I got to do adventure training, abseiling, parachuting, DofE awards, sport, shooting, gliding, the list goes on and on. We did stupid stuff too, and certainly my swearing became rapidly worse upon joining, but the sense of responsibility and general good citizenship is strongly emphasised in all the cadet forces and I believe that that is something that is probably lacking in most children's lives currently. I am so very proud of all the cadets I have known and currently know, whether they have ended up serving in the forces or not. I can't think of one cadet who having stayed with it for a little while who wasn't positively influenced by their time as one. I'm not suggesting that all children should be forced to join the cadets (although I don't think it would be such a *bad* idea), but I do think that the environment and the ethos of the cadet forces is one which should be promoted in all children's lives; i think it probably came generally from society in the past - the idea of good citizenship - current society seems to have lost its way somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanu Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 ETA: Sorry helen I hadn't seen your last reply It does sound a nightmare, and in some ways I can understand her parents' reaction too. I guess my Mum's idea to all our activities was to control our friendships in some ways (she was a bit more successful with me I think as my sister went to the local comprehensive and fell in with some less than desirables, but Mum pushed the cadet thing and my sister ended up so busy with that and made new friends - I guess my Mum was pretty canny really, because it really wasn't obvious as to what she was doing) I think Wendy is right though, if you managed to get under the surface, they are just kids trying to figure stuff out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fee4 Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 a one word answer-Yes! for varying lengths of time and to varying degrees. i think its in the job description somewhere. fee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K9Fran Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 I've been lucky - I've been a Scout leader, and my two oldest boys have been Scouts and now Cadets as well - one Army, one Air. And it's certainly been the making of them too. However, I am a fairly strong character when it comes to parenting, and I just wonder how many of these kids are kicking against rules which are lax and inconsistent parenting, with parents who sometimes behave more like children themselves. My boss at work is a 24 year old single mother of 2, another girl had her daughter when she was 17 herself, and both of them struggle with the idea that you must be consistent, and at the same time respect your children, indeed my boss was told by her boyfriend that she had to think about the children more. Is it little surprise when the children don't return that respect? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 . She has a 19 year old boyfriend she has been sleeping with for the last year and a half whom she is deeply involved with and wants to live with. This last thing she told to the mother of her boyfriend last year in the hope I think that she could stay at his. Unknown to her, the woman called the police that time So she was only 13 when she started sleeping with the boyfriend? I'm surprised his mother had the nerve to call the police about anything. Her son was, and is, breaking the law. Most of the teenagers I know are lovely, funny, busy kids. The operative word is busy. I live next door to two boys whose parents spend many hours ferrying them to football matches, watching them play sports, and generally encouraging them to be active. They have no TV in their rooms, and they go to bed early. One of them is the age your niece was when she became sexually active. My heart goes out to your niece. She's been allowed to behave like an adult when she was only a child, and the adults are now withdrawing all support. I am not condemning your brother and his wife - what your brother's had to cope with must have been harrowing - but how have they lost touch with their child to that extent? She must feel so alone, underneath all the bravado. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 I think Fran has hit the nail on the head. If children grow without respect they do not give it. One thing when I was growing up was that the family is it - the be all and end all - family. Friends are great but the family comes first always. We were aware that there were rules and you had to follow them - not follow them one day and then break them the next because one of your parents couldn't be bothered to enforce the rule. I can understand how your brother feels Tegs - to be accused by his own daughter must have broke his heart - they have probably given her everything she every needed or wanted and she turned around and bit the hands that fed her - literally. I cannot understand the mother of the boyfriend. Your niece is probably in the care of social services - your brother and his wife - in some kind of nightmare - they have my sympathy and so do you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda Posted July 15, 2008 Report Share Posted July 15, 2008 No, I don't think all teenagers are nightmares. I work with them and some are terrible and some are lovely, decent human beings. I am very lucky that my two never gave me any real problems, neither smoke or drink, stayed out to all hours, etc. Both have done really well academically and have promising futures ahead of them. I'm not sure why some go 'off the rails', but I am amazed at the lack of resepct they have for others, paricularly their teachers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Helen, I will keep quiet as I have very little experience of teenagers. Just wanted to say I'm relieved your brother was exonerated and I'm very sorry for everyone involved in this awful situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laura g Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 so sorry teq. thats (to me anyway) extreme behaviour in the least. i wouldnt know where to start. interesting thread though. quite relevant to the fact that i've decided to keep off of full time work for the next few years - because of the kids. Sam is 12 and going into year 8 in september. rachael is moving up to year 7 to join him. at a time when most parents are using the opportunity to go back into work full time, we've decided its best that i'm around. it seems like time and 'effective parenting' opportunities are like water running through your fingers - if that makes sense. i'm not going to be on their case or smothering them. i can keep a handle on them and be here when they need me. respect is the key word. i think its fair to say that some parents present themselves as friend rather than carer. boundaries are blurred. my children have friends. and i'm not one. a different role entirely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babsc71 Posted July 16, 2008 Report Share Posted July 16, 2008 Yes, there are some fantastic teenagers out there but, as with adults, you get extremes of the spectrum. to you and your family. Imho, I would have reported the boyfriend for breaking the law and it seems that his mother is not behaving in a responsible way in that she seems to be acting as a barrier between your niece and her family.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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