Parental Roles

[safneo]

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a normal mother and Aislings upbringing has not been "conventional" in many areas so I am not the best person to give a balanced view on this subject. In the last 8 months I have spent 3 months living in another country away from my daughter and that would ( and has ) been commented on and judged by a lot of people as neglectful/selfish/bad parenting etc.

 

I can't remember when Aisling was first allowed to go into public places on her own, travel on buses or stay in the house unattended. I do know I did make a conscious decision with her and we worked together on each thing. For example she had travelled on buses with my mother for years, so first she had to ask for and buy her own ticket , then she was taken to the bus stop and put on the bus ( and met at the other end ) before being allowed to do the whole journey unattended. I have encouraged her to be as independent as our environment and her abilities allow and that involves us spending time together and apart ( for both our sakes ! ) and it works for us

 

Looking back I never left Aisling alone at 2/3 in a hotel room not for any real fear of abduction more as others have said because she was still totally dependant on me at that age for everything ( toilet, food, getting dressed, hygiene ) at that age at home we still had a stair gate at the top of the stairs and locks on the outside of the bathroom door to prevent her gaining access in case she she got out of bed in the middle of the night

 

Sam you have purposely taught her lifeskills which a lot of mothers dont! Aisling is a very mature girl for her age and if I didnt know how old she was I'd take her for at least a couple of years older.

 

Due to a bad experience with a babysitter when I was younger I've only ever left my daughter with her grandparents or stepdad (OH). I've also taught her that its ok to talk about 'bad feelings', ie if she didnt like someone or wasnt happy in there company its fine to say so and I will listen and sort it. I would never leave her with anyone that she and I didnt trust. She is 13 now and more mature mentally than my 16yr old step-daughter. She walks to and from school on her own now and has her own key. She texts me when she gets to school (I drop her at friends on the way), then she phones me when she gets home (walking from friends alone).

 

I have to give her some space or she will never learn about freedom and self security. She has had several lessons about what to do in an emergency. She has to walk home the slightly longer, but more residential way, as we know lots of parents live that way.

 

She has my mobile number keyed in on fast dial. Takes me 7 minutes to get home but I have friends that could be with her within 2-3 minutes. I have always told her to walk quickly to the nearest door (especially if you know they have kids) and pretend its your house and phone me immediately if she felt unsure. My mobile is with me 24/7.

 

When she gets home the door is locked as soon as she gets home until SD gets home from school.

 

I do leave her at home alone, ie when I go shopping, take dogs for a walk for a hour but I'm always on the end of the mobile.

 

I would not leave a child alone on hols, though my parents did in a tent (me and 2 brothers). In fact we (me, OH and daughter) went away last summer abroad and spent every evening on our balcony with a drink so that my daughter (then 12) could go to bed before midnight. No way I would leave her alone there, even though the open air 'club' was only 100 yards away.

 

No parent is perfect. We all do things that we think will be fine but then happens not to be. Hindsight is a great thing!

 

My thoughts are with Madeleines parents as no-one deserves this horror!

[JoC]

I am not by any stretch of the imagination a normal mother and Aislings upbringing has not been "conventional" in many areas so I am not the best person to give a balanced view on this subject. In the last 8 months I have spent 3 months living in another country away from my daughter and that would ( and has ) been commented on and judged by a lot of people as neglectful/selfish/bad parenting etc.

Not that my opinion matters but I think you're a fantastic mum! You're a positive role model and you help your daughter to realise the importance of self esteem and empowering herself.

 

From what I can gather, your daughter is a a polite, caring, confident and sensible young lady, I think that she's the best testament to your parenting style!

 

I think if I'm ever lucky enough to have children, I will give them a certain amount of freedom and as they grow allow them to earn more and more. I would always make sure they know they can talk to me about anything, and nothing they could ever say would stop me loving them. I'm not sure but I think a large part of the way abuse affects a child isn't the abuse itself, it's the way parents deal with it. Some can (inadvertently) make the child feel they are to blame, through acting very visibly shocked, denying it or playing it down. I think if I ever had a child who was a victim of abuse, I'd be straight to see a psychiatrist so they don't grow up permanently scarred by it and feeling guilty.

 

 

FWIW, with giving children freedom I wasn't referring to leaving tiny children alone, I do think that was unacceptable, but the parents are more than paying for it. It upsets me that people can't have compassion for them tbh. I don't have a limited amount of compassion and sympathy, and can spare more than enough good thoughts for Maddy AND her parents.

[Melp]

My daughter will be 9 this year and is always hassling me about being allowed to walk to school on her own. I have no doubt that she's capable of getting herself across the roads safely but there's just no way.

We have a car park next to our house which is empty when the shop is shut. Her freinds are allowe to ride their bikes on it, play football etc and my kids want to do the same. [sam is 5] again, no way.

I don't trust drivers, I certainly don't trust strangers and I don't trust the kids to look out for each other [because they're kids]

I don't think I'm overprotective, far from it but there's no way my two are going out in the big wide world alone at their ages.

When I was my daughters age it was normal for kids to play out alone. I rode to school on my bike and took my youngest sister to infant school on the back of it. We played by the canal and the river most days and even fell in a few times. I got a belt for coming home wet but was never stopped from going.

My [foster] parents were completely irresponsible in my eyes and theres not a chance in hell I'm going to let my children get into danger like that.

[mooandboo]

Allowing children freedom is not cut and dried - I've been more wary with Ceri than a lot of other mothers around here because I haven't lived here very long, have no relatives around & nobody that I could count on to watch out for him or help me look for him if necessary (immediate neighbours probably would but I can't count on that) I also don't know the area very well and don't drive (OH works away all week) so I have to do what I feel is right within my situation.

 

Ceri is 10 now which is a difficult age with children because they feel that they know more than they do, they're heading for being the oldest at school, brimful of confidence (which is good) and keen to be more mature than they are (not good )

 

Every child is different so yes it's up to parents to prepare their children for the outside world but it's also up to parents to make sure that each individual child is protected from it too and no one else can judge from the outside the right way for that to be done - I'd rather be called overprotective and know that my child is safe than the reverse.

 

Just for the record, four of us had protective parents and all of us have kept very much on the rails & done well - since I became a parent myself I have total admiration for my parents, I think if I had four children I'd be a nervous wreck by now trying to get it right for each one

[greytgirl]

Every child is different so yes it's up to parents to prepare their children for the outside world but it's also up to parents to make sure that each individual child is protected from it too and no one else can judge from the outside the right way for that to be done - I'd rather be called overprotective and know that my child is safe than the reverse.

 

Just for the record, four of us had protective parents and all of us have kept very much on the rails & done well - since I became a parent myself I have total admiration for my parents, I think if I had four children I'd be a nervous wreck by now trying to get it right for each one

 

couldn't agree more, there is also 4 of us, and we are all the same as yourselves, agree with ALL of the above

[scotslass]

I'd rather be called overprotective and know that my child is safe than the reverse.

 

Just for the record, four of us had protective parents and all of us have kept very much on the rails & done well

 

I have four, and I've been accused - by more laid-back parents - of being over-protective. Apparently, my children would never be independent, strong adults. Try telling that to my confident, outgoing four now (aged from 21 to 32) .

 

I think, like you, that children need protecting and looking after, and if that impinges on the parents' right to "me time", then so be it. We choose to be parents, after all. Mine were never left with baby sitters because I simply don't see the point of having them and letting someone else be responsible for their care.

 

My eldest son had never been on public transport till he went to university; we lived in the country and buses were few and far between. Did that matter? Once he arrived there, and found that transport was available, he used buses and trains. I think you can make too much fuss about preparing children for things - when they're ready, at whatever age that may be, they'll cope.

[Kathyw]

I have never liked my sil but would given her 200 out of 100 for her parenting skills.

 

She would never leave her daughter alone under the age of 14, if no family members were available to sit with the child, then they never went out (if the event was somewhere unsuitable for a child.

But she also did the same things as Sam, allowing freedom while watching in the background.

ie letting her walk to school 'alone' while Mum or Dad was following out of sight of the child and this was after leaving primary school.

 

sil always said 'My job is to prepare her for the outside world but in preparing her, I have to keep her safe from anything that would harm her'.

 

If my parents couldn't get cousin Ann to babysit on the rare occasions they went out, they would put us in our nightclothes, put us in the pram and take us with them. Madeleine's parents would have had this option.

 

In one of the papers a comment was that had this been a single mother leaving her child to go out for the evening, even if she was checking every whatever, she would have be castigated.

 

I fear for Madeleine now.

Edited May 8, 2007 by Kathyw

[DanishPastry]

Can I just say that I haven't been prepared well for a lot of things in life, and I am not coping all that well either. Everyone is different.

[scotslass]

Can I just say that I haven't been prepared well for a lot of things in life, and I am not coping all that well either. Everyone is different.

 

 

That's true; and every child has different needs. We can't prepare for every eventuality; we can only nurture and protect our children and hope they develop into strong people able to cope with most of life's problems. It would be expecting too much to ask parents to produce kids without any hang-ups. Mine have a few (each).

 

We lived in a village, so while there were no buses, there was a little school, and my children were able to walk there once they were at upper primary stage. Everyone knows everyone else, which can be unnerving for adults, but it makes children feel secure. My children had a measure of independence, therefore, that they perhaps wouldn't have had in a bigger community.

[mooandboo]

Anne

 

When each of us left home, my Dad said that whatever happened we must remember that we could always move back home - that gave us all tremendous strength and for me, a determination that I would never need to.

 

One thing he would never do though was bail us out financially - OH's Dad always did & OH is useless with money because of it.

Edited May 8, 2007 by mooandboo

[Kathyw]

Anne

 

When each of us left home, my Dad said that whatever happened we must remember that we could always move back home - that gave us all tremendous strength and for me, a determination that I would never need to.

 

One thing he would never do though was bail us out financially - OH's Dad always did & OH is useless with money because of it.

 

 

My dad was like your OH's Dad and I am useless with money, it runs through my fingers.

[DanishPastry]

That is one thing I can do with a fair amount of confidence, handle money. cos I've never had a lot of it, and there was even less in my parents pockets. If I have a bit of money I buy things I need, if I don't have much, I only by what my animals need. I learned the value of money from a small child, because there just wasn't a lot of it, and I did chores for my pocket money, and started working when I left school at 16.

[mum24dog]

We lived in a village, so while there were no buses, there was a little school, and my children were able to walk there once they were at upper primary stage. Everyone knows everyone else, which can be unnerving for adults, but it makes children feel secure. My children had a measure of independence, therefore, that they perhaps wouldn't have had in a bigger community.

 

When my first 3 were little we lived in a cul de sac of 10 houses in a village and there were 21 children of different ages living there.

They all played out safely in the knowledge that the older ones would look after the little ones. It was a great time for them and a pity more children don't have the chance of that sort of life.

 

Pam