staffymonkey Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 (edited) Dear Brazen,The only reason anyone goes to weddings is for the free food and drink, so you won't need money! Having looked closely at the picture you sent I would strongly suggest that you DO NOT go naked. Some people can get away with nudity but you I'm sad to say, cannot. I know you didn't ask for beauty tips but really dear you should have. Has anyone ever mentioned your eyebrows? and those eyelashes are clearly false. I'm sure that with my expert help we can get you looking half decent but it's going to be a long haul and certainly not by next week. For the wedding I'd suggest a nice green outfit to match your skintone. If you really have no money I'll order something for you from Yeomans. Please let me know if you require a 4 berth or an 8 berth. Tactfully yours Melps PS, I didn't mention the teeth as I would hate to be insensitive. I appreciate your not mentioning my teeth - though the surgery has improved matters somewhat they're not quite the all american smile I was hoping for. Still, it's better than last year, when they poked through an unsightly hole in my cheek. Given your concerns about my make up (it's hard to get that naturally glamourous balance), do you think perhaps a large gbrown sack, worn over my head, draping to the floor might be more appriopriate attire? That way I will be inconspicuous and nt upstage the bride? I could cut a whole in it to eat and drink through, though scattering confetti, raising a glass and giving the best man a helping hand at the end of the evening may prove a little difficult. Thanks for your kind and generous advice... Buxom -in-Bristol Edited May 4, 2007 by staffymonkey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
incapuppy Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Ms Melps Why does it always rain on me? Yours bedraggledly Fran Healey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 4, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps I am bored. Despite being at work, there is faff all to do today. Any advice for how I can look busy yet not actually be doing work? Yours hopefully Bored from Swindon Dear Bored, Invite your co-worker to assist you with some stock taking in the stationery cupboard. If he gets a little frisky at the sight of the hole punch, grab him by the highlighters and threaten to cut off his Tippex. This won't alleviate your boredom but will give you something to do until hometime. Yours Melps Dear Aunty Melps My husband is another one of these DIY fanatics and sometimes spends hours fiddling with his favourite tool in the shed. Gosh, what are men like? I had a look in his shed the other day and, amongst other things, found an amazing variety of different plugs - rawlplugs, jackplugs, sink plugs, earplugs and so the list goes on.... The reason I am contacting you is that I have just received a lovely email from a nice lady called Ann Summers advising me that this weekends Bank Holiday Special is 'half-price butt-plugs'. This seems quite a good offer, do you think a few of these in different sizes would be a useful addition to my husband's collection of boys toys? Many thanks Naive of Lincoln xx Dear Naive, What a coincidence! Ann Summers contacted my husband this week too. I wonder is she's taken over from Screwfix? Your husband tells me that he's happy with his collection of plugs but has taken a fancy to a purple device called "Mr Whizzy". I assume from it's name that it's some sort of device for creating a frothy head, like a cappucino maker but faster. As it's your hubbys birthday very soon, how about surprising him with both a Mr Whizzy and a Joyrider?. The description states that they are "Designed to sit around the base of his shaft" I know how much he likes taking you for a spin and I'm sure that with one of those on his gearstick you'll have an exceptionally enjoyable ride. Have a lovely time. Melps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSDFan Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Melps As I said in another thread, I tend to suffer from 'builders bum' cos my jeans never fit properly. Do you have any suggestions ? Bare Bummed of Norfolk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickentikka Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps I always thought that an STD stood for Sexually Tantalising Diva, and have been striving to be one of those for years. I am a little confused though, having been to the Drs for a check up he proclaimed that mt private girlie regions were a breeding ground for STDs! Does that mean I am going to give birth to a number of alluring temptresses? The dim chicken PS will having one of these give me the class I obviously deserve? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 4, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Aunty Melps has had to go and prepare for a night out. She is currently shaving her legs and may be some time. All outstanding queries will be answered shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staffymonkey Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 (edited) Make sure you get all those special hairs Auntie - I find that a machete helps Have a fab night sweets Edited May 4, 2007 by staffymonkey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Aunty Meps, the following has been dictated by oh. Mel, quite frankly I am upset with your advice and comments when I appealed to you last night. No. 1 the advice was too late, I was already on my way to the cross. No.2 the unfair comments about the green dress (my fav) and my thighs were hurtful. I am shocked that you would treat me thus especially after I helped you in your hour of need, did your sockets not work better after I had tinkered with them? You said they were blocked and you were desperate for a plug-in and I was there for you. Next time your sockets get bunged up call some other bright spark as I will be occupied elsewhere. Yours ex-friend from Islington. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 The picture of that woman has just knocked me sick. I'm already feeling queasy at the moment. I'll be demanding compensation at this rate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dognabbit Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Dear Auntie Melps, Last weekend I attended a BBQ and spoke to the man at number 37 not only does he have a wooden Sussex style garage for his BMW 318i but he also has a 20 x 20 lawn with a tree. The BBQ menu consisted of pasta with lentil and red pepper sauce, spinach and cream cheese pancakes, veggie chilli, brown rice risotto, scrambled tofu and alu-chole (? Yeah, that's what I thought) and things on toast! The conversation was mostly about how water makes us mental, how coffee increases the risk of miscarriage and lawn-mowers cause deafness in middle-aged men who, if they dance, will get glamrock shoulder. Which brings me to point in question what’s the best cure for glamrock shoulder??? Oh and some further advice please, the woman from number 28 called me into her garden where she had been sunbathing on her 20 x 20 lawn with a tree. She had been stung by a bee in an intimate place. She asked me if I could help her find the sting which was, causing quite a lot of discomfort, knowing my eyesight was pretty useless she suggested I tried to feel for the sting with my lips, lips being sensitive you understand. Well I tried for a good 20 minutes and couldn’t find it! She was obviously suffering, she shook, moaned and screamed (that’s when I thought I found it) then she told me to stop. I left avoiding her BMW 318i which was parked outside her Sussex style garage. Later I got a call asking if I could try again, surely a magnifying glass and tweezers would be the best way to find and remove it??? Looking forward to hearing your advice, when my shoulders better I can pop over to number 28 and help with that beesting. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Melp where are you? you fans are awaiting your replies to their dilemmas, and I need a good laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoC Posted May 6, 2007 Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps, Have you got any tips for being more organised? Ooh did I already ask you that? Stressed from Sunderland (currently hiding under a paperwork mountain) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2007 Dear Aunty MelPs Please could you help me. As it is the bank holiday this weekend, i have decided to go out for a ride! But since having traded my old banger for a new compact model...i am having awful problems fitting myself close enough to the driving tackle !! Doesnt matter how much i push or squeeze myself i just cant seem to get myself comfortable enough for a long ride. Please please could you suggest how i could place myself in an appropriate position to enjoy the bank holiday ride i am so looking forward to. By the way, strapping them down does not help whatsoever..as recently while i was on a fast long ride..i tried this and the strap broke leaving me with a broken nose...two black eyes and a dizzy feeling for days. Yours Gratefully Inflated Melons from Lancs x Dear Inflated, My sincere apologies for delay in responding. Mr Melps was so taken with your picture he's not let me near the PC all weekend. The key to a decent ride is to start the engine and take it slowly through the gears, starting in first and taking it all the way up to 5. Your particular vehicle may only have four but it's hard to tell from this angle. It looks as though you may have straddled the geartsick by accident judging by the expression on your face. Forgive me for asking, but did you have a little bump? only I couldn't help noticing that your airbags have gone off. As comfort is an issue for you, Mr Melps [a very experienced driver] has offered to pop along and help you adjust your belt. He assures me that he can get you into a much more comfortable position and will even take you for a spin. He's got a very powerful engine and I can assure you his handling is superb. Yours helpfully Melps Dear Ms MelpsWhy does it always rain on me? Yours bedraggledly Fran Healey Dear Fran, Because you live in Wales. Yours Melps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted May 8, 2007 Report Share Posted May 8, 2007 Dear Auntie Melps Remember my gay friend "A" and how he *might* or *might not* be in lurrrrve with his flat mate, "T" but hadn't told me if they were *doing it* or not... or even if they were that way inclined at all..? Well today (drum roll please) A's put on his facebook page that he is in a relationship with T... which is fantastic!!!! Cos now i don't have to wonder any more. How long is it before i admit I know and how long before I start producing pictures of bridesmaid dresses now? Is it ok to say "i just knew you was doing it" or "tsk what lovely women are now going to be deprived of two stud muffins like you" or do i just say "so.. you're gay then?" in the middle of a conversation about the weather? What would you suggest with this recent development? Yours SB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 8, 2007 Dear Melps As I said in another thread, I tend to suffer from 'builders bum' cos my jeans never fit properly. Do you have any suggestions ? Bare Bummed of Norfolk Dear Bare, One of the reasons you suffer from builders bum is because you are in fact, a builder. A bricklayer to be precise. I'm glad you asked for trouser advice. I told you before Gerald, that wearing a skirt on a building site was always going to be risky and could get tangled in your machinery with potentially devastating results. Get yourself down to Millets where they do a lovely selection of reasonably priced slacks. Yours Melps ps, in response to your other question, No I will not hold your Hod. You know full well that I never mix business with pleasure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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