Melp Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Readers, The ever popular [ ] Aunty Melps is back. I'm here to answer your queries, whether they be beauty questions, cooking queries or just general stuff you can't answer via Google. I know everything so don't be afraid to ask, no matter how embarassing your "problem" is. Think of me as a walking encyclopedia/Medical journal. I'm very discreet. And very honest. Trust me. Aunty Melps xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Aunty Owl's Life Tip Number One: NEVER trust anyone who says "Trust me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps. I have discovered a new friend is gay, which is lovely. However I have a neeeed to know who his boyfriend is out of sheer curiosity. I think I know anyway but I don't actually know that the person i think it is is gay... How do I ask him nicely without scaring the heebigeebies out of him by a) admitting I know he is gay without him telling me and still telling him i think that's fab b) without sounding like a nosy cow with nothing better to do than arrange a wedding and ask if can be their bridesmaid? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 DISCLAIMER: This thread is provided for entertainment purposes only (i.e. our entertainment at your hideous problem). Any member who has a real life medical problem, be it one that involves limbs hanging off, internal organs failing, or any embarrassing seepage is recommended to seek the advice of a proper doctor (that's one with a white coat and a stethoscope and stuff) immediately. May contain nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
collies r best Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps, how lovely to have you back but i thought we could trust you but Aunty Owl doesn't think we can What shall we do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redditchlady Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 DISCLAIMER: This thread is provided for entertainment purposes only (i.e. our entertainment at your hideous problem). Any member who has a real life medical problem, be it one that involves limbs hanging off, internal organs failing, or any embarrassing seepage is recommended to seek the advice of a proper doctor (that's one with a white coat and a stethoscope and stuff) immediately. May contain nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
incapuppy Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps I have a 'friend' who is very distressed about a problem with the removal of unwanted hair She is going on holiday soon and recently purchased a device called an epilator, which although a tad scarey and painful (as I am led to believe), did the job nicely Her current distression is, I believe, that during the cold winter months she accidentally ate all the pies, and now, there are certain areas of her body on which she would like to use the aforementioned epilator, but, unfortunately, due to consumption of aforementioned pies, she cannot physically see the areas in question in order to safely remove aforementioned unwanted hair Yours, in confidence (on behalf of a friend ) Concerned of Lincolnshire xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 ADDENDUM TO DISCLAIMER: May contain nuts. And hairy people who can't see their own chuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gooster Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 ADDENDUM TO DISCLAIMER: May contain nuts. And hairy people who can't see their own chuff. :biglaugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherlock Bones Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Er melps are you fluffing your own post? gawd i thought it was only polls you couldn't do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maria Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps, I have discovered that my mother in law does not wash / wipe mushrooms before using them in cooking So they go into whatever she is cooking au naturel, along with whatever they have been grown in (and we know what that is). She doesn't even trim off the bottoms We are going away with them for a week, and she likes to take over the kitchen. Do I ask her nicely to allow me to clean the mushrooms before use (and if so how should I phrase that), or should I just let her get on with it and eat cr*p all week (literally)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yantan Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps Whenever I fancy a cup of tea and coffee and can't be arsed to go to the kitchen I have no one here during working hours to whine at to make me a tea or coffee. How can I resolve this Marion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps. I have discovered a new friend is gay, which is lovely. However I have a neeeed to know who his boyfriend is out of sheer curiosity. I think I know anyway but I don't actually know that the person i think it is is gay... How do I ask him nicely without scaring the heebigeebies out of him by a) admitting I know he is gay without him telling me and still telling him i think that's fab b) without sounding like a nosy cow with nothing better to do than arrange a wedding and ask if can be their bridesmaid? Dear Sherlock, I fluffed my own post so here it is again Thinking you know if someone is gay is not a good enough reason to come right out and ask. However, asking a simple question such as "Whenever I'm coming in or out I always prefer to use the back door don't you?" usually gets the answer you require, I don't recommend discussing wedding just yet. Not only is it too soon in their relationship, you've also got to remember that your thigh problem needs addressing before you can look anywhere near decent in a bridesmaids dress. Yours Melps Dear Aunty Melps, how lovely to have you back but i thought we could trust you but Aunty Owl doesn't think we can What shall we do Dear Collies, Ignore her, she's just jealous because I have degrees in every subject known to man and she hasn't. Jut because she's an Owl doesn't make her wise. Trust me, her username was supposed to be Bowl but she couldn't spell it. I am the most trustworthy person I know, and I know everyone so that proves it. Melps xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted May 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Aunty Melps I have a 'friend' who is very distressed about a problem with the removal of unwanted hair She is going on holiday soon and recently purchased a device called an epilator, which although a tad scarey and painful (as I am led to believe), did the job nicely Her current distression is, I believe, that during the cold winter months she accidentally ate all the pies, and now, there are certain areas of her body on which she would like to use the aforementioned epilator, but, unfortunately, due to consumption of aforementioned pies, she cannot physically see the areas in question in order to safely remove aforementioned unwanted hair Yours, in confidence (on behalf of a friend ) Concerned of Lincolnshire xx Dear Concerned of Lincolnshire, I'm glad you wrote to me on behalf of your "freind". Unwanted hair is always a problem, and the best way to remove it from a flabby lady garden is to lay a mirror on the floor and straddle it. You should get a clear view of the areas concerned and can defuzz to your hearts content. Please take heed of this very serious warning though. Lady parts when viewed from this angle, resemble boiled ham. This can be a bit of a shock at first, especially if you are a vegetarian. Yours ever so helpfully Melps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted May 2, 2007 Report Share Posted May 2, 2007 Dear Collies, Ignore her, she's just jealous because I have degrees in every subject known to man and she hasn't. Jut because she's an Owl doesn't make her wise. Trust me, her username was supposed to be Bowl but she couldn't spell it. I am the most trustworthy person I know, and I know everyone so that proves it. Melps xx Dear Aunty Melps, I am glad to hear that you have every degree known to man, however I believe you are a woman and therefore your qualifications are irrelevant bye for now, am off to hide in my bunker and find a tin helmet now i am in trouble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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