mum24dog Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 (edited) Just to put the other side of the Catholic coin - a cousin of my husband took herself off to a home in Jersey to have a baby in secret in the 1960s. She was so aafraid that her parents would be devasted. The baby was born disabled and when my husband's aunt and uncle heard about it they went straight over to pick both of them up and take them home, where they both stayed. They didn't care what the rest of their fellow parishoners thought. They loved their daughter and grandchild and that was all that mattered. Some people do understand the true message of the religion, others unfortunately distort it. It doesn't mean the message itself is wrong. Pam Edited August 4, 2008 by mum24dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 The reason my friend went to a Catholic Mother and Baby home was because her parents were Catholics and they wanted the child to be adopted by a family of their faith. Their ultimatum that she either have the baby adopted or be out on her own had little to do with their religion - it was the way it was in those days, whatever religion you were - it was just not acceptable to have a child out of wedlock. When I was in my late teens/early twenties getting engaged meant you would let him touch your boobs. Things have certainly changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyhound pal Posted August 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 As I have already posted I have a fantastic family and had a lovely childhood but your post really struck a cord with me, it is so hard to explain to people how it effects you, especially when you are lucky and are adopted by the right people, they don't understand how you can still be so terrified of rejection I am convinced that everyone important in my life will eventually recognise that I am not worth loving and will leave me, it is probably why I always ended relationships, get in first and leave them before they leave you. I know it is stupid and I know I am loved, just back from a fantastic weekend with the majority of my family at my cousin's wedding, we all get on brilliantly and love each other, but I can't explain why I feel it. When I was younger about twice a year I would have a weekend of bawling my eyes out trying to understand how she (my birth mother) could have carried me for 9 months and not loved me enough to keep me, most of the time I am so thankful that she did give me up, my family is the best and I wouldn't be without them, but sometimes it just hurts so much that I can't explain it I am not looking for sympathy or hugs lovely Fugees just saying that even though I am happy and love my family it does still effect you, having said that I would much rather be a part of my family than my birth mother keeping me, I know that sounds like a contradiction, but even though being adopted has effected me, I would much rather have the odd doubt than not have my family You might not be looking for one but you are getting one If it means anything I *think* I get what you mean abotu contradictory feelings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
collies r best Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 (edited) My ex Ian was adopted when he was a baby. Whilst his adoptive parents are lovely and he always knew about his adoption it has screwed him up.He found out that his birth parents had an older girl [his full sister] who they kept but felt they couldn't cope with another baby hence his adpotion. To him it meant he wasn't good enough/wanted etc. I can see the reasoning behind his birth parents thinking as they were still young themselves, already had a toddler and this pregnancy was a shock and completely unplanned but as with all things its easy to see things differently when its not you thats so emotionally involved. I offered to help him trace his birth parents as his adoptive parents had their full names etc but he didn't want to know, said he would only like to meet his sister and his parents obviously couldn't be bothered with him or they wouldn't have given him away So very sad and hes become increasingly bitter about it as time goes on. Edited August 5, 2008 by collies r best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Why do you assume that your birth mother gave you up because she didn't love or want you sparklyone? She may have loved you more than herself but knew that she could not give you the life she thought you deserved and nomatter what cost to her - she gave you that chance. My friend loved the child she gave life to and mourned that childs loss till the day she died, I would love to meet her child and tell her that her birth mother did love her and did want to keep her but circumstances dictated otherwise. Yes she could have refused to give her up but she would have been alone with the child and for at least the first few years life would have been very difficult and the child would not have had the life the mother believed her child deserved. To have kept her in those circumstances would have been a selfish act - not an act of love. You are far to young to have been my friends daughter but imagine you are her child and are readng what I have said about my friend and how she felt about the child she gave up for adoption. Not one day passed that she did not think of her daughter. Every morning and every night she whispered in her heart to her child. She would not have known her daughter if the child stood next to her yet the love for the child was lifelong and the heartache over the loss of her child was something she lived with daily. She said to me once sometimes when something really wonderful happens, I am really happy for a nano second and then I remember xxxxxx and the happiness is nothing. That's love Sparkly one - not rejection. Please think about that when the feelings of being rejected loom large. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 You might not be looking for one but you are getting one If it means anything I *think* I get what you mean abotu contradictory feelings I'm glad, I didn't explain myself very well! Why do you assume that your birth mother gave you up because she didn't love or want you sparklyone? I don't most of the time, but some of the time the non-logical side takes over She may have loved you more than herself but knew that she could not give you the life she thought you deserved and nomatter what cost to her - she gave you that chance. I know, and as I said I think it was very brave what she did and I do appreciate it, what I was trying to say, very badly! is that is still effects you, whatever the reasoning behind the adoption and however good your life is with your family, it still plays at the back of your mind My friend loved the child she gave life to and mourned that childs loss till the day she died, I would love to meet her child and tell her that her birth mother did love her and did want to keep her but circumstances dictated otherwise. that is very sad Yes she could have refused to give her up but she would have been alone with the child and for at least the first few years life would have been very difficult and the child would not have had the life the mother believed her child deserved. To have kept her in those circumstances would have been a selfish act - not an act of love. You are far to young to have been my friends daughter but imagine you are her child and are readng what I have said about my friend and how she felt about the child she gave up for adoption. Not one day passed that she did not think of her daughter. Every morning and every night she whispered in her heart to her child. She would not have known her daughter if the child stood next to her yet the love for the child was lifelong and the heartache over the loss of her child was something she lived with daily. She said to me once sometimes when something really wonderful happens, I am really happy for a nano second and then I remember xxxxxx and the happiness is nothing. That's love Sparkly one - not rejection. Please think about that when the feelings of being rejected loom large. I appreciate what you are saying hun but unfortunately it isn't that easy, I know 97% of the time that she did it out of what was best for me, I love my parents dearly and am so glad they are my parents, but sometimes it overwhelms you, the feeling that you aren't good enough, sort of like depression I would imagine, you can't control it, its just one of the facts of life even though I know how lucky I am to be here and to have the family I have and that she loved me enough to give me a chance of life and to give me a chance at a better life it still hurts, hope I have explained myself better this time round!! Thanks Kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terrier Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 This is a sensitive subject so apologies to anyone who feels I'm being incredibly insensitive Following on from the abortion thread, do you think, other than as a result of rape or young teen pregnancy, that voluntarily giving up a baby for adoption these days is ever the 'right' thing to do? There, but for the grace of god, go I. I'm not religious, but I think that pretty much sums up my feelings on the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyhound pal Posted August 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Thats normally my feelings about the majority of issues Terrier but its closer to me than a "hypothetical" situation and I'm finding it hard to deal with given we aren't just talking about one or two babies. I have had two babies and in both situations for very different reasons abortion was an option because of circumstances at the time. THe second was health related which is fair enough but the first I was in my teens, alone and pregnant and left a very violent relationship where said barsteward had attempted to make me loose the baby by tossing me head first downstairs. I can honestly say adoption never ever came into my head as an option for the first. I can't think of single circumstances that would have made me think it was a viable option. I am not judging why anyone could - I was always a strong independant person and I know others aren't like that however I just wondered what the reasons could be and what the effects of it are - for everyone. KathyW - doing a really good job of explaining internal feelings which helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fee4 Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 jees i cant have kids OH & me are looking at fostering/adoption were an older stable couple ...all usual stuff. this is making me think-maybe id be doing more harm then good-if people who had wondeful adoptive parents still feel so screwed up by it all. fee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyhound pal Posted August 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Yes but think about how damaging it would be if couples like you didn't come forward and give those kids a chance Fee? The kids would either end up dumped with unwilling relatives or in a home somewhere with little one to one parenting. My Grandad was dumped in a home as a child and he was a very damaged person all his life. As long as there are kids who's parents either don't want them or don't feel they can give their child the best, then people who are kind enough to share your life with a child are very much needed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Of Fee please please don't give up. Is there anyone on this earth who has not felt rejection in some form or another in their young life? Adoptees don't have the market on those feelings. I could write pages of the times when I have felt rejected - sometimes fleeting feelings, other times longer lasting. I am NOT saying that Adoptees do not/should not have those feelings, I am saying we all have feelings of being rejected when we are young. One of the good bits of being older is that you no longer give a sh*t. You could give love and a family life to a child that would maybe other spend years in foster care. Please read Sparkleyones post about her love for her family and how wonderful they are. That could be your son/daughter in a few years hence writing about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terrier Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 (edited) jeesi cant have kids OH & me are looking at fostering/adoption were an older stable couple ...all usual stuff. this is making me think-maybe id be doing more harm then good-if people who had wondeful adoptive parents still feel so screwed up by it all. fee I've no idea whether it will come to anything, but my wife and I are looking down that route too (Very early stages, might come to nothing). My own opinion is that any feelings of being screwed up would not be as a result of you stepping in and helping the child out. Nor would they necessarily be as a result of being given up for adoption. If the mother believes herself to be incapable of meeting the needs of the child, or that the child would be better off in a foster home, then I admire their bravery in actually facing up to that decision. If you're worried fee, talk it over with the people at the fostering/adoption service. (apologies if I'm "teaching granny to suck eggs!!"). Thats normally my feelings about the majority of issues Terrier but its closer to me than a "hypothetical" situation and I'm finding it hard to deal with given we aren't just talking about one or two babies. I have had two babies and in both situations for very different reasons abortion was an option because of circumstances at the time. THe second was health related which is fair enough but the first I was in my teens, alone and pregnant and left a very violent relationship where said barsteward had attempted to make me loose the baby by tossing me head first downstairs. I can honestly say adoption never ever came into my head as an option for the first. I can't think of single circumstances that would have made me think it was a viable option. I am not judging why anyone could - I was always a strong independant person and I know others aren't like that however I just wondered what the reasons could be and what the effects of it are - for everyone. KathyW - doing a really good job of explaining internal feelings which helps! There but for the grace of god.... only goes so far. Your ex was scum. FWIW - I wouldn't have judged you whichever route you took. I have no right to. Edited August 5, 2008 by Terrier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkle Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 jeesi cant have kids OH & me are looking at fostering/adoption were an older stable couple ...all usual stuff. this is making me think-maybe id be doing more harm then good-if people who had wondeful adoptive parents still feel so screwed up by it all. fee Please please PLEASE don't think that :mecry: I love my parents so much, we talked at my cousin's wedding this weekend, I told my mummy about this thread and that I had said how glad I am she is my mummy, I couldn't ask for a better mummy and I told her that, if I had to choose a mother I would choose her, every single time :wub: and I am a complete daddy's girl, we had a fab time, everyone says I look like him because I have the same mannerisms The rejection feeling is normal I think, for all adoptees, whether good or bad families, I've not told my parents about it because it would upset them, they have always said that if we wanted to find our birth parents they would support and help us 100%, I don't feel the need to find my birth mother, I am grateful to her but I don't want or need her in my life. The feelings are not a constant thing, they come out when other things are getting me down, you know what I mean, when work, life and love are going wrong, but I think that everyone feels like that when things are going wrong in their life, I just have an excuse to put my feeling poo onto If you don't adopt/foster I think you will miss out, I was adopted from day 1, my birth mother had 3 months to change her mind, my brother was in foster care for 3 months, and then came home to us, his foster parents, well his foster mum, is now his godmother, we both love our parents, and each other, we have one of the best families I know of, talking, loving, supporting each other and just being a family, if we hadn't been adopted, well me definitely, I would have nowhere near as good a life as I do now, nor be as grounded and happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fee4 Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Sparkly person-you are just lovely. i have just emailed the local SS dept to book a place on the fostering/adoption course. fee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terrier Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Sparkle - great post. Wonderful to read. Fee - good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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