Teenage Angst In 13 Year Old Boy

[K9Fran]

I am rapidly running out of ideas - all I get out of him is the typical teenage shrug of the shoulders and 'I don't know'

He's still being bullied at school, although it seems to be lots of 'low level' things from kids whose names he doesn't know (so he doesn't bother making notes in his bullying diary as he thinks if he doesn't have the bullies name the school won't do anything - I've tried to explain that the idea of the diary may be so the school have a better idea of what he's going through, and not a record of names so they can dish out any punishment)

He's overweight, and we've been doing the Slimfast diet together, I thought he was doing really well and he appeared to find it easy to keep to, until I left my netbook web cam while I was out yesterday, and found out he's been raiding the fridge, as well as mixing up the Slimfast powder into some kind of glop and eating it by the spoon full.....

 

He also fell over in the school play ground on the 1st May and twisted his knee. We took him to the Dr after a few days as it didn't seem to be getting any better with rest, ice, compression and elevation at home. His advice was it could take 6 weeks, we took him back after 6 weeks as it still wasn't any better ( I take him to the school gate in the morning and he's allowed extra time to get to lessons) and were told well it can take longer.... He's fed up with not being able to do anything, not being able to walk to school or exercise.

 

He's been having anger management sessions at school because he retaliated to a couple of the kids who've been bullying him. The final straw came this evening when he pushed his dining chair back without lifting it, and the leg broke. He didn't fall on the floor, but as he turned to pick the chair up, Barney the Labradoodle jumped up behind him and ate his Spaggy Bolognaise #3 son followed him into the living room to offer him his portion of Macaroni cheese, and that got thrown on the floor

 

All he seems to be able to say is that every time things start to improve, they get worse again, and he doesn't know why. He almost wishes it would stay down as he's struggling to cope with the ups and downs.

 

My feeling is he's depressed I am currently on anti depressants and have already had one 6 week session of counselling and am about to start another with my local Sex abuse survivors group. His Dad is also supposed to be taking anti D's, but often doesn't He's supposed to be starting counselling soon too, after he found out earlier this year that his Father died a year ago and he only found out earlier this year because a friend of the family tracked him down on the internet.

 

Does anyone with teenagers have any advice?

[Abby]

Is there anything on the Kidscape website that might help Fran?

 

I am sorry you and your boy are having such a hard time. It sounds like several things are going on, though they may well all originate from the bullying (do you think it does or could there be anything else going on?). I don't know much about the history of your son's problems so forgive me if I am on the wrong tack

 

I would suggest things that need work on fairly urgently are confidence (in his own self worth, and in you and his teachers and the world in general and your ability to help him), communication ( he may feel he can't express himself properly because there is no point) and empowerment (like the dieting, anti-bullying startegies etc). Sounds like he doesn't feel like anything is ever going to change.

 

Do you think it would be possible to have a conversation with him where he talked about what was happening, how it made him feel, and you just let him explore it? If he gets angry, let him, if he gets sad, let him, if he shouts, pushes stuff around, let him. Pent up emotion is very limiting and if you just be there for him and agree that its horrible / unfair / hard to deal wth etc it might provide an outlet for him. I wouldn't push immediately for solutions, but just try and tackle the lack of expressing himself part. Often in the course of letting off steam, things get resolved or other issues come to the surface that can then be dealt with. Sometimes even just expressing emotions helps a child feel better because it is frustration at a situation they can't change that is bothering them. Emotions themselves aren't wrong, but supressing them and not dealing with them properly is.

 

Is that of any help at all? I am very happy to pm you more if you think it might help. As a child I was bullied, unconfident and very reserved and as an adult I have suffered from and been treated for depression (happily with excellent counselling much better now). Different of course to your son, but I am now very interested in the way child's minds and behaviours develop and I wish with all my heart I had had someone to take the above approach with me.

 

[griff]

i don't have kids but i do have dodgy joints and was just wondering if your doctor might say it was o.k for him to do some swimming? he can get exercise without putting too much pressure on his joints

as for his eating... i would guess that that is connected to the bullying? i would think that a description of the kids and time/place the incident took place how many was in the group would give the school an idea of who it was... when i was at school we seemed to go around in the same little group at break and dinner time so i am sure it would be easy for the teachers to pinpoint who is picking on him. i do think that perhaps you should go back to your GP either with or without your son and request some counselling sessions for him and if your doctor can't sort them you need a referal to somebody who can help your son i hope you can sort him out

[safneo]

Fran I think a lot of teens struggle to communicate with their elders, parents or not. My daughter has taken a long time to be able to talk to me about her problems, health and emotional. What she did was to start talking to me on msn about little bits and pieces. Eventually we have built up toher starting the conversation on msn, but then we take it from there and start talking properly. Sometimes its not knowing how to say things that they struggle with, using the right words, and embarrasment. If they can't see your face sometimes its easier to open up.This is just one idea.

 

Regarding your sons weight, rather than doing something like slimfast, which appears as a diet plan, could you not do something like slimming world where you do eat 'normal' healthy balanced food so that it doesnt seem like another problem he has to deal with. Maybe he is secretly eating things because he is still hungry? Maybe try and get him involved in cooking. You could do it together giving you another opportunity to talk together.

 

Lastly, have you spoken to school/doctors about your worries about him suffering depression? There is help available for kids that are struggling.

My step-daughter saw a special counsellor that was trained in dealing with teens. Sure there must be one in your area.

[lester]

Oh. That was me! I was that boy!

So .

As Andrea suggested look into depression. top of the list and urgent. ( maybe even kerotyping)

The poor lad isnt even taking any interest in the people that are bullying him. This is NOT typical teenage angst, its going much deeper.

What do you do with him? Is he left mainly to his own devices? What are his hobbies?

I would suggest , throw out all of the slimming anger management and anti bullying stuff. "Accidently" take him to a good historical re-enactment event, maybe something medieval; Dont push him : Its practically impossible for any teenage boy not to see some possibilities, even if they are very macho!!. wait for him to talk about joining and then act quickly. ( if a pacifist like me find yourself some adequate reasoning)

Even if it does not sort out his problems, you will be surprised how popular he becomes at school.

This may be the only advantage but at least you will know where he is at weekends, running around in fields shouting with a nice bunch of people, who are often overweight and depressed themselves, who will at least teach how to drink sensibly ( better than the kids in the park)

Downside is bows and arrow and armour isnt cheap; but most groups have starter kits. ( and I have some chainmail going cheap!)

 

And then behold, in a couple of years time you we be able to worry about all this history stuff getting in the way of his o level studies!!!!!

[greys mum]

Would he be interested in something like army cadets/St John ambulance? Joining army cadets did wonders for my daughter at the same age. It was no cure and extra councelling was needed. But it was a start.

[scotslass]

I'd stop the Slim-fast regime first - it is not intended for children, according to its own website, and it's not the best way to deal with weight gain anyway.

 

Your son could perhaps learn how to buy, cook and eat healthy food - what about starting to cook together? My sons all loved cooking and baking when they were young and now their partners appreciate it too. I'd be inclined to take the focus off his weight, and on to the pleasures of eating healthy food he's helped prepare.

 

I agree with the others about finding a hobby or interest which he can become involved in. If he is really engaged in learning a new skill, he will be less inclined to snack out of boredom, and it will also help with his self-esteem. Does he play an instrument? Would he be interested in learning guitar or drums, for example? It's sometimes possible to have group lessons which aren't too expensive.

 

Finally, at 13 he is still very young. He still needs to be involved in family activities - outings, household chores, and general family time. I know it's hard to motivate them at that age, but perhaps if you and his father encouraged him to help you with the more interesting household jobs (painting/gardening?), he might be more inclined to go along with it?

 

Good luck.

[scotslass]

As Andrea suggested look into depression. top of the list and urgent. ( maybe even kerotyping)

The poor lad isnt even taking any interest in the people that are bullying him. This is NOT typical teenage angst, its going much deeper.

 

 

I meant to say, I agree with this. Your lad is a bit young for run-of-the-mill teenage blues/angst, which is usually a minor, if irritating, rite of passage - this sounds much more serious and I'd be inclined to ask your GP to provide some proper support while you tackle the issues you and your family can handle on your own.