purple_mog Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 So oh wise and all knowing fugees - I suspect I may regret this given the levels that RMF can sink too....but here goes anyway! For anyone who didn't know I split up with my OH about a year and a bit ago (getting divorced) and it was pretty painful, although I ended it. Met someone else last year, went okay for a while but ultimately I wasn't nearly as keen on him, plus he had two wee girls so given my lack of child orientation, and Finn being scared witless of them....yeah well. Anyway....we split up beginning of the year, and I recently started dating someone else.... The new boy is rather wonderful (as my friends are no doubt sick of hearing!) and I've had the chance to do so much with him - walking, eating out, talking lots - that we've gotten really close. I'd decided to change the way I date/start relationships and make a conscious effort to slow things down, hold off on some of the physical intimacy in favour of getting to know the person better. Its for two reasons really, a) I have always given myself away too easily in the past without considering what I actually wanted, and b) really truly and honestly for some reasons guys seem to fall for me alot faster and harder than I fall for them - I've had it with that string of broken hearts and would rather wait and find out if I really want to have a relationship. So I've had the space to do a lot more thinking about this relationship. And I'm increasingly aware of being very conflicted! I was with Andrew (ex-OH) for over 6 years, and honestly by the end of it all had built some pretty big walls around my heart just to be able to get through the days. When I met Carl last year I found it very hard, in fact impossible, to actually let those walls down. I just couldn't love him as much as he seemed to love me. And thats left me kind of scared that I'm not able to really let go anymore, because I don't think I could deal with feeling rejected again. I think that this is probably pretty normal, and more of a defence mechanism than anything else, but every so often I wonder if I'm just too f***** up to be getting into any more relationships. And I really am sick of hurting the people I'm with. Why is this coming up right now? Because I don't know when this might change! And you know me - always wanting to know exactly what's around the corner *sigh*. I mean, despite having been fiercely independent and feeling that you can never love anyone for ever, indeed now getting divorced even though I thought that would at least last longer than it did... I find myself in a very childish way, wishing that I will be able to love someone fully, that they can accept and love me for who I am, and that it won't wear off for me in a few months time. But there is no certainty, hell I don't even know what it feels like to be in love like that! Questions for you my dearest friends....how long before you knew you were in love with your partner? And was that a definite feeling of "this could really last" or did it turn into that? And am I completely mad for worrying that either I'll be rejected if I let someone in, and/or I'll not be able to love them for ever/long time and end up hurting them horribly.....girl of many contradictions - that's me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Right here goes. 1. Love like you have never been hurt or you will miss out big time. 2. My way of getting rid was to find out what they hated in a girl and then adopt it as a habit - they disappear quite fast with no hurt feelings. I hurt someone very badly once and vowed never to do it again. 3. I have known pretty quickly that someone would be very special to me - in love - maybe but I knew they were special for me. 4. The time you are spending worrying about what ifs could be better spent enjoying the nice feelings of being with someone special. 5. Physical intimacy imho should only happen when you feel very comfortable and relaxed with the person. 6. Is it a case of 'the grass maybe greener' after a few months in a relationship? If it is then tis not love in the first place. Love evolves and changes if it doesn't then something is wrong. 7. Enjoy what you have right now and let the future take care of itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 I would say sit back and let it happen. If you keep trying to analyse things you will come unstuck every time. Just enjoy Mr Right Now and forget about finding Mr Right. If he is Mr Right you will grow together. I dont always think that the love at first sight bit works out as its usually just lust at first sight. I did the huge rush of love thing twice and got divorced twice. Chris and I started off as friends and it grew from there, he is still my best mate and we have been together 36 years now,married for 32 this year. Take your time and enjoy yourself, let the future worry about itself. Good luck x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 We can only really speak from our own experiences. I was never going to get married. My parents split up and it had awful repercussions in my life. Spent a lot of years on my own. Spent some years dating the odd chap. Had a couple of serious relationships that would never have lasted to the altar. I met my husband when I was least expecting it and at a time when I was very happy with my life and most definitely did not want a man in it. Funnily enough he had been married for and felt exactly the same. We both wanted to go to a race track and didn't fancy going on our own. A mutual friend was fed up of speaking to these 2 people that kept saying this kind of thing and said look why don't you speak to you each other. I'm sure you won't bore each other. Little did we know. We fell in love at first sight. Both of us. We couldn't bear to be apart from day 1. I would cry all the way home every time I saw him. I moved in with him 5 1/2 weeks later. Me and my 2 dogs and him and his. All got on like a house on fire and we never looked back. We are as close now as we were back then. 10 years ago yesterday we met. I would say date and enjoy. Don't put any pressures on yourself. Don't get tied up with a man that isn't the right one as your soul mate is out there. Stop analysing as that is unhealthy and causes you further distress. If he was the one you would know alright. Give yourself the chance to have that very special love that is available to everyone. It's just some people don't wait and rush things. There are many types of love you can have. I've loved different blokes in different ways. Some really should have just been friends. Some were always destined to be great while it lasted and short flings. I had 2 that I fell for really badly that let me down. When I look back I'm glad those relationships ended because those people couldn't ever have made me happy and didn't care enough about me. They were too wrapped up in themselves. I'm so relieved and pleased I waited until Martyn came along. He was so worth the wait. Even though technically at the time I wasn't looking. Don't sell yourself short. This one doesn't sound like Mr Right to be honest. He sounds like somone special you can have fun with. Otherwise your post would be really gushing. Can you bear to be parted from him. Do you walk around with a huge big grin on your face thinking of him. Do you get butterflies. Do you want to spend as much time as possible with him. It's not all about sex. It's something much deeper. I'm very lucky. I never thought I would be. I've had a lot of boyfriends in my time as I had a period where I dated some for short periods. That period helped me decide what I would have liked in a man. They all come with some fault or other. You just need to know what faults you can put up with and what suits you best. There is that something else though which decides which is HIM for you. I can't tell you what that is. It's something you don't seem to have any control over. Most of the men I dated I didn't sleep with by the way incase you all think I have been a floosy in my time. I very much haven't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EAD Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 Sorry I am no help whatsoever as after 15 years of in/out of different relationships I have now been single and by myself since January 2007 and cant even start to imagine being with someone again :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple_mog Posted May 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 ta for the serious replies I'm not actually an over-analysing crazy person - honest Can you bear to be parted from him. Do you walk around with a huge big grin on your face thinking of him. Do you get butterflies. Do you want to spend as much time as possible with him. It's not all about sex. It's something much deeper. I can bear to be parted from him, but I miss him when I don't see him. Yes I often have a foolish grin on my face, particularly when he texts me last thing at night. The only reason I'm not seeing him tonight is because his car is having problems...and I would drive over but was there yesterday evening! You're right, it absolutely isn't about sex. Not that the idea isn't appealing as we seem to be perfectly matched in all sorts of ways, but I'm loathe to get that involved before I'm 100% comfortable and confident around him thankyou so much for describing how you felt with Martyn though 6. Is it a case of 'the grass maybe greener' after a few months in a relationship? If it is then tis not love in the first place.Love evolves and changes if it doesn't then something is wrong. Honestly I don't know. Apart from my ex-OH none of my relationships usually make it past about 9 months to a year. The initial crazy in love-ness is wonderful, but sooner or later it wears off, or they can't really deal with who I am, I start to feel suffocated and end up leaving them. Never for anyone else in particular, just that I can't bear to stay with them any longer. You know what, you're all absolutely right, I just need to relax into enjoying it. He makes me laugh more than anyone else and we have literally talked on dates until the restaurant was closing and there's no pressure from him at all. Thankyou - sometimes I think I just need to hear it from friends again! Love Mog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 it sounds as tho you have an amazing loving friendship, enjoy it and see where it goes x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimthecat Posted May 18, 2008 Report Share Posted May 18, 2008 (edited) ... I find myself in a very childish way, wishing that I will be able to love someone fully, that they can accept and love me for who I am, and that it won't wear off for me in a few months time. Wishes come true sometimes Questions for you my dearest friends....how long before you knew you were in love with your partner? And was that a definite feeling of "this could really last" or did it turn into that? And am I completely mad for worrying that either I'll be rejected if I let someone in, and/or I'll not be able to love them for ever/long time and end up hurting them horribly.....girl of many contradictions - that's me! You're not mad for worrying. I was terrified when I found myself falling for Ian. I didn't expect to fall so heavily for someone at my age, then 50. This was about 18 months ago and it gets better all the time. Ali Edited May 18, 2008 by kimthecat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalie34 Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 I have nothing to advise really but found this topic very interesting to read as now at the age of 35 I find myself single after being married for about 12 years ..... we split up 3 yrs ago, I fell in love 'or so I thought' to a control freak last year, who ended up violent so I soon kicked him out of my life since then i have had 3 short relationships, which I ended, which have been crap and have not had a relationship since Sept last year. I just feel I have a history of failed relationships I am sure I will meet Mr Right, but for now am enjoying single life and will see what life brings me Enjoy your time with this man, live for today and not look to see what the future might be with him. Be happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClazUK Posted May 19, 2008 Report Share Posted May 19, 2008 Gary & I agreed to seperate on 21st May 2006. Almost 2 years ago. I met him aged 16, married him aged 21, we stayed together 31 years. The last few years were messy and hurtful for both of us. At that point I was 100% certain I wasn't going to let anyone into my life for a heck of a long time. I met 'new' man Matt through a mutual friend and we just became mates at first. Chatted online a bit, went out a couple of times as friends, opened our hearts and bared our souls about our messy pasts. There was no love, no lust, just a feeling of immense comfort in the company of a kind man who cared for me. It took almost 6 months for me to accept that the relationship was going somewhere. I held Matt away from me for some time, telling myself all men were b@st@rds, that he was too young, that I wasn't ready, that he lived too far away. None of those things actually mattered in the end. This weekend was spent discussing the finer details regarding his move down to Northampton next summer Like others have said, try not to analyse too much. If it's going to happen, it will. Enjoy the ride Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Gary & I agreed to seperate on 21st May 2006. Almost 2 years ago. I met him aged 16, married him aged 21, we stayed together 31 years. The last few years were messy and hurtful for both of us. At that point I was 100% certain I wasn't going to let anyone into my life for a heck of a long time. I met 'new' man Matt through a mutual friend and we just became mates at first. Chatted online a bit, went out a couple of times as friends, opened our hearts and bared our souls about our messy pasts. There was no love, no lust, just a feeling of immense comfort in the company of a kind man who cared for me. It took almost 6 months for me to accept that the relationship was going somewhere. I held Matt away from me for some time, telling myself all men were b@st@rds, that he was too young, that I wasn't ready, that he lived too far away. None of those things actually mattered in the end. This weekend was spent discussing the finer details regarding his move down to Northampton next summer Like others have said, try not to analyse too much. If it's going to happen, it will. Enjoy the ride I hope it works out for you too. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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