ClazUK Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 Clare, I had to continue to live with Gary for 18 months after we split as it's not easy selling kennels (only mad people want them) and we had to tell it as a going concern and we both worked there. Whilst it dragged on waaay too long, I think if we parted immediately it would have been acrimonious, as it was we ended up still friends. Think of this as a transition period, it will work out in the end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 On Saturday when I did the washing I sent him a raging text and he says that he has been meaning to tell me but didn't know how he is not seeing anyone else it is just a friend who he is housesharing with But why was it addressed to both of them at this address. I then got home and found him sobbing and booking himself into hotels for the next month and a bit as he had no where to go, which made me cry He is still adamant that it is soley a house share, and now she has pulled out anyway, oh and they are going for a drink tonight for her to explain why Sorry about chopping your posts - just wanted to highlight these bits. I've been through this too. Can I suggest that you stop doing his washing, cooking, etc? If you don't, and you continue to go on as if nothing much has changed, it makes it easier for him to have his cake and eat it. By all means, allow him to stay at the moment if it suits you, but try to detach yourself a bit from what's doing. He shouldn't be trying to manipulate you. This part will soon be over and your new life will start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Posted January 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 March seems a long way away at the moment This morning I found some work documents that I know were in my bag last night, on the side this morning, I can't think when I would have dropped them, half were still inside the bag so don't think it was me so I guess he was going through my bag last night, or maybe I didn't close it properly I wish I knew! Just as I was going to bed on Monday night after the big discussion and me letting him stay, he said he was going outside to put some stuff from his car into the shed, I got up about 20 mins later to get some water and he was no where to be seen, so I opened the window and he was talking on his phone, he came in pretty swiftly and said he had been speaking to his brother I am turning into a paranoid wreck, I can't work out if I am reading far too much into things or not enough I don't see what he has to gain from acting like this, we have broken up he can do as he pleases and he swears he is keeping nothing from me, if he is continueing to lie to me I have to admit I find his behaviour quite scary. Not sure if I am best keeping quiet and not rocking the boat, at the end of the day I don't want any hassle I just want him to go quietly. Sorry selfpitious whine over Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus the wonderdog Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 All I can offer is one of these Take care of yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClazUK Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 Just as I was going to bed on Monday night after the big discussion and me letting him stay, he said he was going outside to put some stuff from his car into the shed, I got up about 20 mins later to get some water and he was no where to be seen, so I opened the window and he was talking on his phone, he came in pretty swiftly and said he had been speaking to his brother I went through this crap with Gary - he used to do a final check on the kennel block and the time went from 10 minutes to 40 over time. The excuses he came back with were wide & varied - leaky radiators, resetting heating, dog with the runs.... but he was talking to his bit on the side. The difference is, at this point we were still a couple, I didn't realise at that point he was seeing someone else. Your relationship is over. He can talk to other people now; however much it hurts you need to start understanding this. Treat him like a lodger and ask him to treat you the same. Do NOTHING for him, cooking, washing, cleaning etc. respect his right to a new life and insist he gives you the same respect. This sounds tough and, believe me, I took a long time to get my head around the changes, but the faster you do, the easier you will find it is to move on. Big hugs to you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 I went through this crap with Gary - he used to do a final check on the kennel block and the time went from 10 minutes to 40 over time. The excuses he came back with were wide & varied - leaky radiators, resetting heating, dog with the runs.... but he was talking to his bit on the side. The difference is, at this point we were still a couple, I didn't realise at that point he was seeing someone else. Your relationship is over. He can talk to other people now; however much it hurts you need to start understanding this. Treat him like a lodger and ask him to treat you the same. Do NOTHING for him, cooking, washing, cleaning etc. respect his right to a new life and insist he gives you the same respect. This sounds tough and, believe me, I took a long time to get my head around the changes, but the faster you do, the easier you will find it is to move on. Big hugs to you x I agree. My ex and I shared a roof for a year or so because I couldn't find another house, and he refused to leave - meanwhile, he used to go out at all hours, with increasingly bizarre excuses. He always wanted to look like the victim and he wouldn't admit to any other relationships, although he watched my movements like a hawk. Maybe he'd have felt better if he'd been able to blame me (by unearthing a secret affair ) instead of taking some of the responsibility himself? Didn't take him 5 minutes to 'find someone' after I finally moved out. 'Twas almost instant, really. Take care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Posted January 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 The difference is, at this point we were still a couple, I didn't realise at that point he was seeing someone else. Your relationship is over. He can talk to other people now; however much it hurts you need to start understanding this. I agree. My ex and I shared a roof for a year or so because I couldn't find another house, and he refused to leave - meanwhile, he used to go out at all hours, with increasingly bizarre excuses. He always wanted to look like the victim and he wouldn't admit to any other relationships, although he watched my movements like a hawk. Maybe he'd have felt better if he'd been able to blame me (by unearthing a secret affair ) instead of taking some of the responsibility himself? I think that is what I am finding hard to understand he has already accused me of seeing other people, which I am not and I have done nothing to give him that impression, he gets really aggravated / emotional when he thinks I am seeing someone else, but I am pretty sure it is him that is seeing someone , and I don't really have an issue if he is seeing someone as you say Claz we are both single now, and I have told him that, to which I was told he was upset that I didn't care if he was seeing someone else It is just that I don't want to be lied to and I guess I don't want him to think he has fooled me, which is petty of me I had a text today asking me to tell him straight if there was any hope for us, or if he was wasting his time trying to work things out with me So I guess he will now be able to say I broke it all up as I am having an affair with the electrician (I wish ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 He can talk to other people now; however much it hurts you need to start understanding this. Yes, but with that he has no right to question what you are doing Clare, nor go through your stuff! It sounds rather like he wants things all his own way - he can do what/see who he wants but he wants to keep tabs on you too. Would it really mess you around financially if he moved out now? If you could manage, I think removing the stress of the next month or so would outweigh the extra cost involved by asking him to leave now. Surely as a single guy without pets he could find a floor to crash on for a few weeks or book into a B&B, after all he is leaving because of his decision to break up the relationship, not yours. Sorry if I'm being blunt I don't want you to endure any more emotional distress than you need to. I think that is what I am finding hard to understand he has already accused me of seeing other people, which I am not and I have done nothing to give him that impression, he gets really aggravated / emotional when he thinks I am seeing someone else, but I am pretty sure it is him that is seeing someone , and I don't really have an issue if he is seeing someone as you say Claz we are both single now, and I have told him that, to which I was told he was upset that I didn't care if he was seeing someone else It is just that I don't want to be lied to and I guess I don't want him to think he has fooled me, which is petty of me I had a text today asking me to tell him straight if there was any hope for us, or if he was wasting his time trying to work things out with me So I guess he will now be able to say I broke it all up as I am having an affair with the electrician (I wish ) Sorry, you were typing as I was. Sounds as though he might be having second thoughts then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClazUK Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 I think that is what I am finding hard to understand he has already accused me of seeing other people, which I am not and I have done nothing to give him that impression, he gets really aggravated / emotional when he thinks I am seeing someone else, but I am pretty sure it is him that is seeing someone , and I don't really have an issue if he is seeing someone as you say Claz we are both single now, and I have told him that, to which I was told he was upset that I didn't care if he was seeing someone else It is just that I don't want to be lied to and I guess I don't want him to think he has fooled me, which is petty of me I had a text today asking me to tell him straight if there was any hope for us, or if he was wasting his time trying to work things out with me So I guess he will now be able to say I broke it all up as I am having an affair with the electrician (I wish ) I was accused of seeing someone else, too. I get the impression it's common tactics of a guilty concience. Ignore him, it's probably his way of validating what he's been doing. Do you WANT to work it out? Sounds like things have gone too far IMVHO. But please don't let him guilt you into 'working things out' just because you are afraid you'll come out of it looking bad. The people who matter to you will know the truth; the opinions of those who don't really matter that much really aren't important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Posted January 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 It has gone too far to work it out. To be honest I thought we agreed it couldn't be worked out as one of the issues was he has suddenly decided he wants kids and I do not. I have always been upfront about that from day one, and he said he was the same. I understand he has changed his mind, and would never ask him not to fulfll that wish, but it will never be with me. On top of that there were lots of other things that have been very wrong with our relationship for a long time, at the beginning of this mess I said I would do everything I could to work through it, but he came out with the baby card and then there was no point in trying to fix things. If I am completely honest it was a relief that I had been given an escape route, as it wasn't something I would change my mind about. He would have also know that so I thought it was an easy out for him too. Now he is saying he has changed his mind again, and can't be without me and will put aside his wish for children, but it is too late, I know he does and he will resent it in years to come, and I will probably find myself in the same situation in however many years. I feel bad now as he doesn't understand why I just can't forget he ever said it Gawd what a mess Can't help think this turnaround may have something to do with Ms Houseshare dropping out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruthi (borrowadog) Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 Can't help think this turnaround may have something to do with Ms Houseshare dropping out Just what I was thinking. While he had a new woman to go to he had the courage to break out of the relationship, now all of a sudden it looks scary, which it is, of course. There are lots of men (and women) who can't face the idea of being alone, so they line someone up before they leave. I call it the 'transitional affair' and I did just the same thing when I left my husband. But I wasn't leaving him for someone else, I was just leaving him. The affair just gave me the energy and hope to do it, and in my heart of hearts I knew it all along. It is just possible that he played the baby card because Mrs Houseshare put the idea in his head. But if its been all wrong for ages, then thats not the real issue. IMVHO one can't go back. I've tried it, it never worked. And it certainly won't if he isn't able to be honest with you. March does seem a long way right now, but honestly, its not. It will be really hard, but it won't last that long. And in the mean time, don't feel bad. Instead of thinking about who is to blame, just accept that it doesn't work. Your task is to be strong for him as well as yourself (hard, I know) but you are doing him no favours taking him back, because he obviously wasn't any happier than you. :GroupHug: Three years ago, life was just as hard for me. So think about how lovely things could be, and hold your head up high! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houndzrus Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 havn't got any useful advice, but just want to send :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rufus the wonderdog Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 from me Clare as I don't feel 'qualified' to offer any advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merledogs Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 Be strong and don't let him drag you down. Hold your head up, wait for the day he has said he will move and then change the locks if he doesn't go Believe me I've been there and if you don't physically boot him out he'll drag his feet and use the emotional card whenever he can. You deserve better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nettie Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 (edited) I'm with Claz on the guilty conscience, its something about men, if they are in the wrong they try and make it your fault! I'm also with you in thinking that Ms Housemate having fallen through it the reason he now wants to make another go of it, it sounds as though you are very sure that this is not what you want, stick to your guns, what's the point of dragging out an unhappiness. Lay down some ground rules to get you through the next month, tell him what you expect and what you won't be doing, that way he will know exactly where he stands and don't put up with emotional bullying - its going to be hard but you need to be tough to protect yourself. Look forward to meeting you on the VW walk on Sunday. Edited January 28, 2009 by Nettie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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