nouggatti Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 In the 70s in Ireland ( and it may well have been later ) if a child was born to a single mother and had no fathers name on the birth certificate the child was not eligible for adoption and was placed in a "home" with the Nuns , Its very different back home now , one of my cousins in Ireland had a child out of wedlock and with no partner ( he had done a bunk ) and it was no scandal ( maybe a bit of gossip but no scandel ) However just one generation earlier a women in the same position as my cousin had to take the option of the nuns ( and travel to a home in the country to have the baby in secret ) or if she was lucky maybe travel to the UK and place the child for adoption with a catholic agency in the UK ( who could/would place a "bastard" child with a new family ) it really is in living memory ( both in the UK and Eire ) that women had to give up babies no if ands or buts The other take on this too was that parents would bring up a child's child (i.e. their grandchildren) as their children, I'd two girls in school with me who were their "sister's" daughters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happylittlegreensquirrel Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 The other take on this too was that parents would bring up a child's child (i.e. their grandchildren) as their children, I'd two girls in school with me who were their "sister's" daughters. often the childern did not know ( as the whole thing was kept a secret ) and found out as adults Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
incapuppy Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 this is making me think-maybe id be doing more harm then good-if people who had wondeful adoptive parents still feel so screwed up by it all. The rejection feeling is normal I think, for all adoptees, whether good or bad families My sister and I are both adopted (from different families). I came from a Catholic childrens home at 6 weeks of age and three and a half years later my sister came to us at 6 months of age from the same Catholic childrens home. In fact, one of my earliest most vivid memories is of going to the home to 'choose' my baby sister. Of course I was not able to choose her as such, its just a good job that I said 'I'd like the fat one with the blonde curls that ate all the rice pudding' . There were times in my youth when I thought I hated her (but I think that can be said of a lot of siblings) but since I was about 20 I realised that actually my sister was ok. We are now very close, and I feel so lucky that fate brought us together as sisters. I can honestly say that I have never felt 'screwed up by it all' and Sparkle I am sorry that you have these feelings of rejection but I don't think anyone can say what is normal. You cannot help your feelings of rejection any more than I can help not feeling them. I'm certainly not saying that my family or experience was any better/worse than yours and I really don't think this has anything to do with it, you sound like you have a fantastic adoptive family, as do I, but please have a anyway for the anguish that you sometimes feel. Sometimes I go through periods of wondering about things, most specifically perhaps about who I look like but the fact remains that I have parents, they are my only parents and no-one could ever replace them. I do sometimes think about the option of tracing my birth mother but TBH I am very fearful of the fact that it could open a whole can of worms that I would not be prepared to or want to deal with. It does occur to me that there may be a woman out there who thinks of me every day. KathyW your story about your friend I found very moving as the date/circumstances you described meant that I could so easily have been that baby in question. Equally I suppose, my birth mother may already be dead or may never think about me at all. Who knows? I don't know if I will ever take the decision to find out more, perhaps my decision (if there is one to be made) will be influenced when my adoptive parents are no longer here. I have always known that I was adopted but I have never felt any 'different' but then I suppose I don't have any experience of 'normal' to compare 'different' to. I have a wonderful Mum, Dad and sister and they are and have always been my family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 That's a love post Incapuppy. Would that you were my friends beloved daughter. I know that some of the bological fathers family are searching for the child. He was a bad lot but the rest of the family were wonderful people. Whenever they have family gatherings they always say 'one is still mssing from our table'. All of their children know of the 'lost' one. The other grandmother could do nothing either at the time, she was too poor to take on another child but the child was never ever forgotten and never will be. It is too late now for my friend but one day I hope the childs biological aunts and uncles find her because they can tell her what a wonderful woman her mother was and that despite her being adopted out of the family, she has always had a place there in their hearts. They have told me that if they find her they want me to meet her and I would so love to be able to do that. A child being adopted doesn't always just affect the biological mother, the whole family can feel the loss of one of their own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 8, 2008 Report Share Posted August 8, 2008 I had an email today from one of my friends daughters aunts. They have found out that XXXXXX is alive and living in England. The social worker knows the name she was given and is contacting the people she thinks might be XXXXXX The family are hoping that XXXXX will want to have contact and that the lost one will be reunited with them. They are so happy and so am I. Weird really just after posting on this thread - wonderful news came. They asked if I have anything of sheila's that I would be prepared to give to her daughter - I have stuff and she can take her pick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
incapuppy Posted August 9, 2008 Report Share Posted August 9, 2008 Thats lovely news Kathy, I hope it works out well for everyone involved Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackin Posted August 9, 2008 Report Share Posted August 9, 2008 many children adopted these days are not babies but children with memories and knowledge and in some case even made the choice themselves not to be with natural family. have as you know we have adopted several children like this and quite a few are in connact with certain members of their families eric is at present on holiday with his aunt and uncle from his birth fathers side of family. We also have been adopted by two irish famililes the natural relations of one lad and I had the things his birth mum would have had in his gran's will. So much depends on the circumstances have others who would never want even a meeting with birth parents after the abuse they suffered although forgiven parents and moved on with their lives.One girl is now in forties and a professor in councelling. We are in many ways crap parents ourselves at times what parent isn't but one thing have learnt each child is different even in same family and needs to be listerned to in a different way. The more you let them go the sooner they come back home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 9, 2008 Report Share Posted August 9, 2008 Wonderful, enlightening post Jackin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted August 19, 2008 Report Share Posted August 19, 2008 Fee, I do hope you don't give up on your dreams of adopting. Whilst I'd like to think that anyone having children does so because they want them, we all know that in reality thats just not always the case. People who adopt have to go through so much red tape, checks and so on and they must really really want it to go through the lengthy process. This in my view makes adoptive parents extra special. I have never had an issue with being removed from my natural parents, it was almost certainly a blessing [though I'm sure as a young child I didn't see it that way] but I dearly wish somone had loved us and wanted to adopt us. I would love to have a Mum and Dad. I'd love for my children to have grandparents and I'd have loved, when my kids were born to have someone to call on and say "Mum, how do I cope with this?" etc etc. I don't feel rejected by my birth parents so can't understand the feelings of those that do but I most certainly felt and was made to feel different for being "in care". Having foster parents felt like no-one really wanted us that much, we were just temporary members in other peoples families and we knew it. As this thread is about adoption not fostering i'll shut up, just wanted to say that Fee, I'm sure you and your OH will make fabulous parents to any child lucky enough to find their forever home with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted August 19, 2008 Report Share Posted August 19, 2008 I would love to have a Mum and Dad. I'd love for my children to have grandparents and I'd have loved, when my kids were born to have someone to call on and say "Mum, how do I cope with this?" etc etc. I don't feel rejected by my birth parents so can't understand the feelings of those that do but I most certainly felt and was made to feel different for being "in care". Having foster parents felt like no-one really wanted us that much, we were just temporary members in other peoples families and we knew it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cafferysmum Posted November 3, 2008 Report Share Posted November 3, 2008 I will take this from the other side .... My Brothers daughter, who has a drug problem had a lovely baby, but she was 21 and well for a better word the baby was neglected, so worried brother took the baby to the hospital and social services were brought in. Brother didnt want to do this, but I also reported to NSPCC as worried for health and safety of child. I dont regret doing this as the child is now safe.. The social services worked with her got a new house and set her up, but she was still playing the same game, they decided with her it would be better if she had a break and the child went into foster while she got herself sorted... but it never happened, it all went to court and she blamed everyone in the family except herself... and couldnt be bothered turning up to court to fight for her son.. They gave her lots of chances and their was lots of help she could have taken, but no, she was into this culture and wanted to stay their and a baby in tow was a no no... We were offered the child as we have no kids and i lost twins on ivf, but althought it broke my heart we had to say no, because we dont think she would have stayed away or given us peace to bring him up as our own.. In the end it went to an adoption hearing, she didnt turn up on time, her solicitor rang her and she said i got no money to get to hearing she had spent it all night before... She then turned up with a man saying her life has changed, in last few weeks she had got married thinking that would make everything would be ok.. In the end he went up for adoption, he is now with loving parents who adore him and will give him the best life they can.. I do believe in adoption, we have considered it, and one day if he ever comes looking for us, we will be able to speak to him and say even though we were not able to adopt you as it was to close of home, he is always and will always be in our thoughts x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted November 3, 2008 Report Share Posted November 3, 2008 I don't feel rejected by my birth parents so can't understand the feelings of those that do but I most certainly felt and was made to feel different for being "in care". Having foster parents felt like no-one really wanted us that much, we were just temporary members in other peoples families and we knew That made me feel very sad. I really loved all the kids that I fostered and cried for ages when they left. I didnt feel that they were just temporary members ,they were my children and I loved each one of them even tho some were very difficult to understand. I am so sorry that you felt like that and I hope my lot didn't. I am still in contact with some of them. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melp Posted November 7, 2008 Report Share Posted November 7, 2008 Sorry I didn't want to make foster carers feel bad thats just my own personal experience/feelings of being in care and I'm sure people like you, Gemstone and Jackinix are wonderful foster parents One of my sisters also had wonderful foster parents and still calls them mum and dad to this day. Me and my other sister were just unlucky but we still had a better life than we would have with our natural parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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