khanu Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I am looking to change myself. Finally!! I hear everyone exclaim I am not very happy at the moment, not devastatingly so, but many things seems to be getting too much for me recently and I'm starting to feel powerless and like I have achieved very little in my life (which as a colleague pointed out recently isn't true as I did many many things when I was younger - so I have past achievements, but I've realised I don't feel like I'm doing much now). I feel like I have lost my way a little bit and have got stuck in a rut and I know I need to do *something* to get me out of it but I don't know what or how or even what it is that I want at the moment so I was wondering if anyone has read any good self help /know yourself type books. I'm not very into fluffiness really and the whole love yourself thing (although sometimes I can seen the merits) really I'm after something that will give some techniques/pointers on..........I dunno really that's half the problem I was talking to my sister recently about the time we went on holiday with my parents - it was just after I had finished my A-levels before I started uni. They had taken us to Sea world and both my sister and I loved it. I remember vividly sitting next to her (away from Mum and Dad) watching the dolphin trainers with the dolphins and whales and turning to her and saying "I want to do that". She told me that she remembered that too, and she remembered asking me why then was I going to university to do aeronautical engineering and me answering because that was the plan I made when I was 14. I've been remembering that moment with such regret recently, mainly I suppose because I love my college course I'm doing now and can see that an animal behaviour course at university would perhaps have been a better choice. I'm thinking that I've wasted the last 12 years since starting uni doing an aero degree - which I guess isn't entirely true but I can't help feeling that if only I had had the b*****ks to say actually I don't think I want to do aero, maybe I want to do something else. Then I think maybe I'm only at this place *because* I did the aero degree but it doesn't help the feelings of being stuck, then I just wonder if I'm over thinking things and blah blah - nothing gets done, I'm still working full time, doing a part time degree, helping at cadets, looking after a house, a husband and four dogs and still feeling dissatisfied when really I know I shouldn't be. Maybe I'm destined to always feel like I've never quite done enough....... Anyway, after all that if anyone is still reading - does anyone have any recommendations of things/books/courses whatever that has helped them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purple_mog Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 hey there There really is no such thing as wasting opportunities etc - you can always learn from situations and things may not have worked out the way you think they would.... So my favourite inspirational books/tapes/cds Pema Chodron "Getting Unstuck" - she has many others but I'd suggest this as a starter if you have any longstanding habits you'd like to change. Even if you don't use the meditative techniques there's a lot of wisdom in there. personally I find the audio CD's much better than her books though! Susan Jeffries "Feel the fear and do it anyway" and "Embracing Uncertainty" while they can be very self-helpy they are FULL of great ideas and practical tasks. I own both on CD and the books and tend to do a refresher on them once a year - I always feel better afterwards! That should do you for starters, but more than happy to natter via PM etc if you like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Its a hard one because everybody is helped by different things. But I was in a very similar place to you not so long ago, and one thing that seems such a small - even silly - thing but was actually a massive help is this. Get together a big heap of magazines - doesn't really matter what kind. Colour supplements, freebies, ones you've begged off other people. Have 2 A3 sheets of paper, glue and scissors. The idea is to produce 2 collages - one that represents how you see your life now, and one that represents how you would like your life to be. Any aspect can be represented - work, personal, possessions, location, emotional frame of mind...whatever pops into your mind. Go through the magazines and cut out anything that strikes a chord - do the now one first and then the future one. Don't think too hard about it, use the images in the mags as a trigger. When you've finished, you can then have a look at what made you choose the images on the Now one, and think about what changes are needed to get to the Future one. I know it sounds silly and childish but don't underestimate how powerful this is as an exercise. Me and OH sat down at the kitchen table and did this, though doing seperate collages. It was quite emotional to look at the Now ones, as we were in a pretty dark place, but inspirational to look at the Future ones. We still talk about them now when we think how much of those Future ones we have achieved. For 2 years they were stuck up on our kitchen wall to help us move forward - and they truely did work. Now this isn't the only thing I did, because I was also getting therapy for depression which is a whole other story, but it has stayed with me as one of the most simple effective things I ever did to get my life back on track. Looking at a collage that represents a life that has gone off-track is both powerful and immensely helpful. But be really really honest when you do it. And do it for yourself, not for what you think other people expect or want. I'm sure you'll get there xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kats inc Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I was going to say 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' too,it's a fab book.Also 'Authentic Happiness' seems very appropriate for what you want and is a really superb book Kelly Linky for you I have a couple of books you are welcome to borrow,both on assertiveness and feeling empowered. I didn't realise but there is an authentic happiness webiste here with questionnaires and stuff by the look of it.I may have to have a browse I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReikiAnge Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I have found Louise Hay's books/CDs/DVD really great, but she's the "affirmation queen" (I think) and very much about loving oneself, which did take me a while to get my head around, but I do think she rocks. I don't consider it "fluffy", I think when you listen to what she says, she makes a lot of sense and I have found it really helpful, but everyone has to find what suits them I have also made lists/kept journals in the past and now of things I wanted to achieve - all leading to me being more happy basically - and it's been quite amazing to look back and see how things have moved forward. How things seemed unattainable back then but along they came. Just read Abby's reply and I guess that is in a similar vein to her collages, which is a really good idea I've not heard of before. I have found Reiki to be fantastic in helping my self. I've found it has really helped me to think positively. I hope you can find something that suits you and helps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathyw Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 First thing find out what it is that is causing this dissatisfaction. It's usually something unresolved from the past. Godd way is do the 'say the first thing that comes into your head' game. Start with simple stuff what do you prefer to drink etc then get down to the nitty gritty - it should pop out of your mouth - be warned it may suprise you what you actually say. Don't regret your twelve years - all that hard work is to be valued. you were not meant to play/work with the Dolphons at that time but is there anything to stop you doing something like that now? I don't think you need to change yourself - I think it's more you feel stuck and want to spread your wings a tad. School, uni and then work couldn't have given you much time to explore. Time to dust off those wings and go fly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooandboo Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I felt exactly like that until I had Ceri Not much help I know but true I got the degree I wanted, career I wanted, second career I wanted but never ever felt satisfied by any of it. I had Ceri & everything suddenly made the most perfect sense... I know the book 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' helped OH's last boss to make huge changes in his life - one of which was to make OH redundant and we lent him the book, bloody cheek Don't ever regret the past - it's your road to the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanu Posted July 3, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thank you all Abby doing collages sounds like it might be a good way to get started. I'm thinking though I may need a better selection of magazines rather than Professional Engineer, Your Dog, Mens Fitness and Superbike Wendy funny you should mention feeling the same until you had Ceri....... I don't feel like I need help particularly with the "how" to do things - once I make up my mind to do something I'm usually pretty good at figuring out how I'm going to do and then getting on with it. I feel like at the moment I just don't know what I want. My job is OK, once upon a time not so long ago I really loved it, but not anymore. Maybe I'm just bored with it, but I just don't feel the oomph to take the next logical step in my career - the whole career just doesn't excite me like it used to. Sure I know I could get another job, and I would probably enjoy the challenge of a new thing for a little while but I know that it wouldn't last very long until I would feel the same way I do now. I just don't know what I do want. I have always always had a plan for my life, for as long as I can remember - those plans changed over time but currently I have plan at all. I have a vague thought of starting a dog training and behavioural business but its fairly vague and I'm not sure entirely whether it would make me happy - I used to love engineering and look how that turned out after all. Urgh..........someone slap me, I know I have so much to be grateful for, much more than so many people have in their lives, and yet it isn't enough. I feel so petty and selfish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happylittlegreensquirrel Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Don't ever regret the past - it's your road to the future thats a fab quote and so very true Urgh..........someone slap me, I know I have so much to be grateful for, much more than so many people have in their lives, and yet it isn't enough. I feel so petty and selfish you don't need a slap my dear but you do need to start being kind to yourself if you don't know what you want to do can you start listing what you don't want to do instead ( it may help ) took me till 34 and being made redundant to work out what I wanted to do so don't beat your self up over not knowing straight away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby Posted July 3, 2008 Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Urgh..........someone slap me, I know I have so much to be grateful for, much more than so many people have in their lives, and yet it isn't enough. I feel so petty and selfish While it is very healthy to count your blessings compared to all those people who have less than you, it doesn't mean that there are things in your life that you need to change or improve. And that doesn't make you either petty or selfish. Lots of people have several careers or changes of path in their lieves - look at me, 2 years ago I was an office based heritage manager desperately seeking another heritage job to get me out of a very unhappy situation with my then job. Now I'm a self-employed business owning publican - who would have predicted that No-one who knew me that's for sure. First of all, it is fine to want to do something different with your life. Doesn't make what is past a waste, and doesn't make you fickle. Life goes on for far too long to stick with something you're not enjoying if you have the ability to change it. My brother has been through a massive work-based crisis that dragged out painfully over about 10 years. Four months ago he quit his job, recognising it just wasn't working, even though he had nothing to go to. He went through a long process of trying to figure out what it was he wanted to do - like you he really had no idea. This week he has secured a job with a company he loves doing a new type of work which he had identified as his new path. People do this - so can you. One of the things I focused on when I was unhappy - and my brother has been doing - was "what makes me happy". List anything from people, activities, views, locations, work (break it down into types of tasks & skills, not just work areas), products...anything at all. This is the basis for identifying what makes your life rich and rewarding. You can then go on to look at which of these things might be work opportunities and which are better kept as leisure - but at this point, really don't limit yourself. I had no ambition at all to run a pub but running this particular pub puts me and OH in a much better position to do the other things we want with our life - work together, spend more time with the dogs, OH to paint, me to write and sew, enjoy the big outdoors etc...it is a productive and enjoyful means to an end. How does that sound? You can do it as a written list, a brain storm (oooh I love getting out me felt tip pens ) or the image collage (hmm...yes, you might need more mags I have lots of bridal ones ). Wow, mammoth post. Hope it helps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khanu Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Thank you Wendy you are right - no regrets, I wouldn't be who I am now without my past. Sam I will try to stop beating myself up on such a regular basis Abby I am going to try those exercises this weekend. I'm going to buy some magazines and felt tip pens at lunch Thank you all for your sage word of wisdom and recommendations for exercises and books and stuff. I'm going to stop worrying so much about not having a plan and feeling lost and just spend a while working out what makes me happy without pressurising myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyMalc Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Thank you Wendy you are right - no regrets, I wouldn't be who I am now without my past. Sam I will try to stop beating myself up on such a regular basis Abby I am going to try those exercises this weekend. I'm going to buy some magazines and felt tip pens at lunch Thank you all for your sage word of wisdom and recommendations for exercises and books and stuff. I'm going to stop worrying so much about not having a plan and feeling lost and just spend a while working out what makes me happy without pressurising myself. Hiya, sorry not been in here all week - this job malarkey is wearing me out!! Aaanyway if you're looking to change things - as in: working from present to future rather from past to present, if you know what I'm saying - then life coaching might be something that works for you. I've found that if I need a motivational, friendly kick up my backside then I utrn to either Fiona Harrold's life coaching books (she's got a website as well) or Anthony Robinson's motivational stuff. One of his famous quotes is: "If you do what you always did you get what you always got" - and boy ain't that true! I've done the "figuring out who I am" thing, I now need to remind myself of the tools that I need to change the bits that I don't like (just haven't found the tool to deal with 'laziness' just yet ), and I've found life coaching great for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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