suzeanna

to Trudi and Claire and anyone else...Claire..how come at 10.03 you said you were going...but you are still here? are you twins?? Glad I missed your thunderstorm, I'm scared of thunder and so is Dylan, we would both have been shaking in the wardrobe! (glad I missed the pee and poo too!)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over Customs' limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, Dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Inspector asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The Inspector thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the Inspector said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"

Sell them to a French restaurant?

Having gone round my garden like the hunchback of Notredame looking at it from a dogs eye view, I discovered a possible escape route, so tried to wire it off. I can tell you with total authority that a low backed top and skirt and some sort of shrubby thing with thorns on it an inch long dont mix...ow my back! edited to add: no I haven't got pics, I cant take pics over my shoulder

If you get a flyswat and flatten em, then you can make genuine squashed fly biscuits.... So sorry your move has fallen through Kelly, thats everyone's nightmare. Rather than this stupid pack they are meant to be bringing in next year it would make more sense to adopt the Scottish way of buying/selling houses.

I'm too hot, I've got a head cold and a headache, and being back home all alone again after two weeks holiday with other people around is horrible.

I bought myself one of those rotary clothes driers at the weekend, and OH set it up for me. Did some washing this morning and hung it out with great pride...but WHY did I walk all round the thing hanging clothes up, instead of standing in one place and spinning it???? must be the heat affecting my brain!

I'm bored...and I AM at home!

Just been reading back through the posts... for Mel and everyone else who is worried or unhappy, hope things soon improve. Haven't you seen the plates laid out for nouvelle cuisine, snow? if you arrange your pea pod and bean contents artistically, it'll be fine! just have a hefty pudding!

I've just made a discovery. If you colour your hair using a colour you've used umpteen times before, after you've been on holiday and your hair must have lightened with the sun, instead of having a coppery colour that shines red under the light...you go GINGER!!! arghhhh (my apologies to any natural redheads but I didn't want to be ginger!)

Why, since I only went on holiday for two weeks, has my garden put on about two months of growth? I've got bindweed that practically goes from one side of the garden to the other, nettles at eye level, and that grotty sticky burr stuff filling up the gaps! arghhhhh....I hate gardening!

I'm too lazy to go back and see who/why/what said you were fat....but I was a size ten to twelve till my thyroid packed in working, I'm now a 14 in skirts and trousers and a 16 to 18 in tops (40DD chest) and my husband says I look great! so tell whoever it was to go and take a running jump, you may or may not lose the weight, they are probably stuck with their spiteful mind.

Yes, its when you've eaten too much fruit and you leap to your feet and yell omg! I have to GO!

I wanted a new tankini top cos the one from last year has gone out of shape (or is it me?) and BHS where I got it has hardly anything, and what they have is either size 8 or 22! bet they'll have winter coats in by next week I'm too hot...and Dylan keeps trying to sit on me and makes me even hotter edited to add: Just looked at tankini's etc on Ebay...some say *just worn a couple of times*...am I being too fussy, or do other people not like the idea of wearing what is basically someone else's underwear, even if it has been washed

Drat! it seems to have gone again...I have the error message back. I went mad earlier with the hedge trimming thingies, now my hedge is a shadow of its former self...oops!

Trying my best for Blackberry and everyone else....

I'm feeling very down. Didn't realise that once I hit 60 that I would have to pay practically full whack for my pottery classes...so now I cant afford to do them any more and it was the only couple of hours a week I got out of the house and actually met other people. My son and fiancee are coming today for the weekend and when I went to find the polish to do the dusting its nowhere to be found, and I KNOW I had a nearly new can must have thrown it away, so I'll just have to dust and light some incense to make the place smell nice. My fibromyalgia which has been quite good for the last couple of weeks has kicked in big time and I can hardly get up and downstairs and its b****y raining again! Arghhhh! is it too early for a vodka?

LESSON ONE: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. LESSON TWO: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson - BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. LESSON THREE: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep poo, it's often best to keep your mouth shut!

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead." Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already." Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway". The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?" Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge profit" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy." Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened? "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. Then she bent over to pick it up. I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Homebase either".

What a beautiful poem...it sums things up very well. Sleep well Monkey!

quote[i have some eyeshadow stuff as well , now I think there is some rule about where the darker and lighter colours go ( which if anyone knows can they tell me )]quote Happylittlegreensquirrel Um...I think the darker colour goes nearest the eyes...the lighter up under the brow bone...keep the darker colour from the middle of the eye swept out to the outside..and blend them well with a cotton bud or something! concealer goes on first...then your foundation. I know a lot about it for someone who never uses the stuff! Eyeliner and mascara is about my lot.

Just looked out of the window and its snowing....no wonder I'm flipping cold!

Even better, collect them and put them in the drawers belonging to the snotty management team while they are at lunch