Helly

rmf - I have just done my first ever online shop with Tesco. I shall wait and see how big a balls up i made once it arrives tomorrow

These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .. Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .. __________________________________________________ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy ) A: Yes, gay night clubs. __________________________________________________ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

everything crossed for Con today

hellloooooooooooooooo Im here... just. I got back home late last night and am doing my best to look like i know what I am doing My brain hasnt quite caught up with my body though so Im winging it

afternoon. Been catching up from egypt where we have a very tempremental wi fi going on. So much sadness around today so lots of to anyone needing any. Mrs Tikka - i did send you a pm about the belly dancing sarong. let me know if you still want one?

very sorry wendy. sleep tight sir H

I have fine limp hair too... i opted for half and half One side is longer, in a straight bob style, but it goes diagonally accross at the back and the other side is shorter, above my ear. Its been easy to manage, dries naturally in the right shape and doesnt need a shed load of hair gunk or spray to keep it in shape. Its a mish mash of red streaks too, as i needed it to match my glasses

I did buy a tuppaware type box... got all the way over to the other side of ASDA to find they didnt have any bloody 50/50 hovis best of both I cant beleive its not brown bread or what ever its called Silly moment of the day.... I was at the pet food wholesaler and needed to buy Felix as good as it looks, only I couldnt remember what it was called. I know it looks very nice, so I asked an assistant if they could check out back for some 'I cant beleive its not cat food' I know its not called that but we both had a laugh about how appetising it actually looks and smells

evening. Im all packed and ready to feck off t'egypt tomorrow. Flight is still flying thankfully so Im abandoning the british springtime for some proper sunshine Im just compressing Avatar so I can watch it on my mp4... whats the betting that will be the film on the bloody plane

evening. my facebook keeps just going blank page which is a tad annoying. Im back on cattery duty tomorrow so Im enjoying a single wkd blue. I cant do cat sh1t with a hangover

The main catalan regions of spain do not bullfight, throw goats out of churches or partake in any other sadistic animal related cruely events. A few years back they offered up a night of bullfighting in the Bullring in Barcelona and they sold about 10 tickets. The catalunians voted with their feet.

I was once evicted from a restaurant in Spain. I had sat down, was horrified to find it on live tv, and then the bull won and I cheered. Then I was thrown out I cant understand how any civilised person can take delight from seeing any animal tortured in the name of glory

morning. Still on kennel duty today, then banking, food shopping, wages.... another busy one alex - hope you feel better soon

i got 95% for each section Dyslexics usually remember pictures better than words

morning. Still on kennel duty, so shovelling as usual this morning. Its really crippling my knees and shoulder now. Sam everything crossed you have a real job with real money today

happy birthday Cher

cheeky sod... Liverpool city centre has had an M+S forever... whats more suprising is the fact they given the Wids one of their own

Im not averse to making an arse of myself for dogstar donations, as proved in the past with little humans and a dress

yup so you can come and check out our new marks and sparks in widnes

You cant afford it

Ive just had to move my holiday as my flights this week were cancelled at 1.30. Not too bad being flexible, and both thomson and alpharooms moved my bookings without further charge and both have refunded me the difference as next week is cheaper. £148 better off for having to move it Ive had half my hair cut off today. Ive been trying to grow it, but was getting very bored. I spent half my time shoving one side behind my ear, so it made sense to cut that side off I now have a rather bright reddish half a head of hair

evening. I have spent the day building a garden shed. The dogs helped by legging off with my hammer or screwdriver when ever i put them down Its bloody harder than it looks and i now look like a street fighter with all my scraped knuckles

I am soggy wet and stink .... seth just had his first bath and now smells like a tart rather than a muck heap I have enough black hair on me to knit another rottie

shows just how your mind works

ah I feel your pain... and possibly literally if you have had the collar in the back of the legs treatment If you go to #meet dog' thread, you will see that putting gaffer tape round the entire edge eases the cracking, and a strip down the joins inside and out and one around the collar loops all give it a bit more strength