boosboss

If you can, try going back a little further It does work

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?" Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fecking impossible to please. The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs.

Look at the two faces. Mr Angry on the left and Mrs Calm on the right. Now keep watching the pics and move about ten feet away from your pc.

276347 x 0= 0 I'm rubbish! but lots of fun :-)

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent? Why is the word abbreviation so long? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If a mime swears, do you wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

OK I've got the brake fluid, but where do I find bleach?

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' By Richard Lederer all recorded by America's keepers of the word. Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral.

Actual Newspaper Headlines, Seen in Print Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Include your Children when Baking Cookies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Man Denies Comitting Suicide Mounting Problems for Newlyweds Sterility May Be Inherited 20 Year Friendship Ends at Altar Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Steals Clock, Faces Time Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Back _________________________________________________________________ Be the first to hear what's new at MSN - sign up to our free newsletters! http://www.msn.co.uk/newsletters

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs Lee the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in horror ."F***ING HELL !" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex??..."

Why are men happier than women…. 1 . Your last name stays put. 2. The garage is all yours. 3. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 4. Chocolate is just another snack. 5. You can be President. 6. You can never be pregnant. 7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 8 .You can wear NO shirt to a water park. 9. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 10. The world is your urinal. 11. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just gadzy 12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on abolt. 13. Same work, more pay. 14. Wrinkles add character. 15. Wedding dress £1000. Tux rental-£50. 16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 19. One mood all the time. 20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 21. You know stuff about tanks. 22. A five-day break requires only one suitcase. 23. You can open all your own jars. 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be yourfriend. 26. Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack. 27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 28. You almost never have strap problems in public. 29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 30. Everything on your face stays its original colour. 31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 32. You only have to shave your face and neck. 33. You can play with toys all your life. 34. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 35. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. 36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. 38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. My favourite #38

Watch out..... I am a victim of the latest scam in Kent which is happening at BlueWater Shopping Centre. Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are parking your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look, when you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and beg you for a ride to Dartford . You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having s*x in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral s*x on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful.

Peace

Last night, my blond friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $ 20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

Below is a photo of a plane with a very severe crack in one of it's windows.

:lol: I understand that one, just like you'd understand me having to check deadmans cocks :lol:

Funny thing is about this thread, is that most of those beurocrats, regulators etc, were also born in the 60s 70s and early 80s and would've experienced all the things listed and yes survived too! :P Could it be the fact that they HAD heard of Rick Astley, Belinda Carlisle, Nena Cherry and Bananarama that caused the sanitisation of todays youth? :lol: