boosboss

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The a****** is usually in charge !! If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who gives a crap

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY : * 8 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! * 9:30 AM--Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! * 9:40 AM--Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! * 10:30 AM--Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! * 11:30 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! * 12 Noon--Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! * 1 PM--Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! * 4 PM--Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! * 5:30 PM--Oh, boy! Pretty mums! My favorite! * 6 PM--Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! * 6:30 PM--Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! * 8:30 PM--Oh, boy! Sleeping in my master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY : * Day 183 of my captivity: * My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects & expect me to look 'amused'. * They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry, biscuits or 'gunk' from a sachet / tin. * Oh Joy! Today's offering had "Yummy, Scrummy, Chunky beef & Veg" in it.......let me think now, ..when was the last time I or any other cat ever went out hunting a cow, three carrots and a mangetout???......... * The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of their tasteless furniture. * Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. * Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this again, but at the top of the stairs! * In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. * Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only condescended to tell me about what a "good/clever little cat I was for catching/killing the nasty, scarey mouse". ........Hmmmmm, not working according to plan. * I was "rewarded" for catching the mouse by being given...wait for it......"tinned salmon"...I've never known anything taste so cheap, nasty & vile! It didn't even taste like a salmon let alone look like one! but at least it didn't have carrots and peas in it.....note...why is there only ever one tin of this (in the back of the cupboard) and I've never seen them ever choose to eat it??!! * There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food (note....it was not out of sachet or tin!!) . More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies.." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. * I am convinced the other captives here are flunkies and maybe snitches. * The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's is therefore obviously a half-wit. * The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks to them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured for now. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time..

Guy! I thought it was a woman!

At a ranch somewhere in Nebraska A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was very good-looking woman, and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the! ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

I only got 1 right The chinese gooseberry one

Do you look back and regret those fashion faux pas? Flares! RahRah Skirts! Beehives! Perms! etc. Stop worrying, it could've been worse......................

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup ofboiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. Must remember this one

STRESS I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is Amazingly accurate. Read the Full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case Study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed That, in spite of the fact That the dolphins are identical, a person under Stress would find Differences in the two dolphins. The more Differences a person finds between The dolphins, the more stress that person is Experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than One or two differences you May want to take a vacation. I don't know about you but I think I need a holiday!!

earrings

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My Elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery", Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds .... A lot quicker and better than a doctor". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Asda That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Asda

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "£250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have football boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "£750" Man - "Sold." A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem - he was unable to get his p**** erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his p**** were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his p****. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his p**** sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your d*** is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that Native Americans have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you." One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p**** into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p**** into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My! God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired" "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh..she got fired too." A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty y ears ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

They were together in the House. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything. Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed... He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong... Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera...... >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>> >>> >>

Union Gap featuring Gary Puckett - Young Girl.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into e ach and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, and even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been w orth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home............................including the curtain rods. I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, DON'T YOU??????