suzeanna

Sorry Frank...OH not keen on brindles! I've seen a dog I loved but he's en route elsewhere..sniffle...I'm doomed! stuck with just Dylan for ever and ever! oh well..could be worse

Erm...Frank, Claire???? ha!

Tried to post this before and it wouldn't let me! I decided to get the hedge cutter out to get our monster flowering currant down to size..managed to go through the lead...oops! pretty flash and a bang and it blew the fuses! OH says no worries, bit of insulating tape will fix it when he gets home. One of my black widows (tropical fish) has turned up his fins...think he/she was the oldest one, about 6. My son has concluded he might be suffering from depression (I'd come to the same conclusion!) and is going to see the doctor about it. Ruddy girlfriend is still crying and pleading that they get married later this month...is it the done thing to go down there and slap her? cant she stop thinking about herself for five minutes and leave him to get his head sorted in peace?

This is weird..Dylan is obviously asleep and dreaming but his eyes are open and moving about..he's giving little wuffs and growls and all his paws are going! wonder what he's doing in his dreams? Trudi..you say MRSA...where? hows it showing? get some teatree oil and slosh it on its been proved to kill Staph aureus.

love em! would it be unkind to send them to my son?

for those who need it (sleep well, Jimmy cat) and to everyone having a great day

I can see its going to one of those days. Got a letter from Powergen saying either pay off the outstanding debit (£250) or else the monthly debits go up to £120 a month to cover the outstanding amount then got a text from my son...he told his fiancee over the weekend that the wedding is off, he doesn't love her any more,but she has cried so much he's now dithering again and sounds like he could be swayed..I think he's insane, he told me he feels like she's a sister now, he doesn't fancy her anymore, what sort of basis is that for married life? its so hard to have to sit back and do nothing.

On his first day to a nudist colony, Ricardo takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Ricardo immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" Ricardo replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads Ricardo to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Ricardo continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says Ricardo. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. Ricardo staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. Ricardo yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." Ricardo replies, "Listen lady, I'm 66 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day."

If you ask kids a question you better be ready for an answer. TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right.... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand? TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog. Naturally, saving the best for last… TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's 2005 winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Xavier? then you could shorten it to Xave...then Dave? our late GSD was Jazz...I love the name but it doesn't sound much like Sabre does it?

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this............ Close your eyes and go back in time... Before the Internet... Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack.... Before SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back........ I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park. The corner shop. Hopscotch. Butterscotch. Skipping. Handstands. Football with an old can. Fingerbob. Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the Menace. Roly Poly. Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass. Bazooka Joe bubble gum. An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune. Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps screwball. Wait...... Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks. Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang, Tomorrow People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who. When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like going somewhere. Earwigs,wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro. Climbing trees. Making igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing....remember that? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Choppers and Grifters. Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies Remember when... There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash. The only time you wore them at School was for P.E. And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsolls You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents. It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best'friends. You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 25p was decent pocket money Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's. Top Trumps. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving pupil at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are still afraid of them. Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! Remember when.... Decisions were made by going "Ip, Dip, Dog Sh t" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs. And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one. It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult. Nobody was prettier than Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED

I ordered a new mobile to replace my drowned one...my OH had an update due, so I got one and will put my sim card in it. It arrived today....I read the instruction book...and I dont understand a word of it! Anyone with a Nokia 7360 tell me if the dratted things are easier to use than the book makes it sound? hope your camera isn't in the washing up bowl like my phone was Laura!

Welcome home Vena...so glad that you found her Laura, after your previous disappointment.

My son who was getting married..then wasn't..then was...phoned me in a right old state. Seems its not so much HE wants to get married as SHE does cos she wants a baby but she has probs so will mean IVF. They cant afford it, her parents will give her the money but only if she is married. He feels stuck and pressured and he just doesn't know what to do. He does love her but he feels its all getting out of his control. People have been told and the stag and hen nights are arranged and he is terrified to back out but equally terrified not to. I want to rush down there and see him but I'm up here and he's in Shoreham and I cant hence the nervous breakdown. Is it too early for a large drink??

I think I'm building up to a nice nervous breakdown

First my son was getting married in August..and we were going and his sister, but he wasnt telling his dad. Then he was getting married in Vegas instead, just the two of them. Then they weren't getting married at all..now they are marrying in August after all and his dad is going but I'm not. why did I have this silly idea kids were only difficult while they were growing up?

Its on the window ledge in the sun, am keeping my fingers crossed. I really need my phone, but I cant afford another one at the moment.

Arghh! I've drowned my mobile phone! found it floating in the washing up bowl, lord knows how it got in there. It was a lovely little phone as well, really diddy Samsung, its out of production now. I'm going to be for it when OH gets in, he bought it for me.

You have me worried now..hope all is ok with you and your family?

I cant do the multi quotes...so rather disjointed remarks following! Its vinegar for wasp stings isn't it? might be a bit late now but worth trying. Peri menopause...get your doctor to send you for a blood test, levels alter if you are premenopausal. I had one taken when I was 42, my (female) doctor said yes I was and did I want HRT? I said yes..go for it. Best thing I ever did! As far as I was concerned the menopause never happened, I never had hot flushes, mood swings or anything. Its sad when someone dies with no one there but maybe she was waiting to be on her own? My husband sat with his mum for hours and hours and then in the half hour or less between us going home as he was stressed and exhaused and his brother coming in to sit by her, she left. My mum died very early one Easter Sunday after I'd been with her most of the Saturday and was coming back as soon as possible Sunday morning

Think we are going to have a storm..or at least a lot of rain..its got that sharp smell you get just before thunder. Dylan will be pleased...NOT!

Cant do multi quotes... Trudi...ouch! makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Helly...cant you put a message on your answering machine saying nothing available until..whenever...and an alternative number to ring if thats not what they wanted anyway? Laura...I'm really sorry, I know how you feel. The dog we were so looking forward to didn't work out either.

Hope you gave him a good slap Claire! Tie a piece of cord to the handle that is a length that you can reach even when its open, then it wont happen again. Philip has a habit of moving the shower head up for his height and I cant reach to move it down again when I want to wash my hair...why dont men THINK???? Oh...morning all!