Thank You For All Your Emails!

[EGAR]

Dear Friends,

 

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to

thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over

the past year.

 

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one

about rat s*** in the glue on envelopes, because I now have

to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for

the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a

sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the

1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the

£15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for

participating in their special email programs. Or from the

senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven

million dollars with me for pretendin g to be a long lost

relative of a customer who died intestate.

 

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have

363,214 angels looking out for me.

 

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

 

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet

stains.

 

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to

watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back

seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will

drug me with a food sample and rob me.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to

dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls

to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

 

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big

brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me

instant death when it bites my bum.

 

I can't even pick up the five quid I found dropped in

the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed

axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

 

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people

in the next 10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case

of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas from 12 camels

will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly

hairy hump.

 

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my

next door neighbour's ex-mother-in- law's second

husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good

Morning Australia .

 

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist

has, after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low

IQs who don't have enough sex, always read their emails

while holding the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

Regards,

 

Your friend

 

xxx

[poodle person]

[Laurel n Hardy]

[melissa]