Elaine

Dear Pinto My first question has to be regarding the poor fish whose eyes you have acquired. I do hope that at the very least you supplied it with a white stick in order to tap its way around the ocean/tank/chip shop. I have found old yoghurt pots to be a very handy way to disguise all manner of disfiguring ailments. Using these (washed of course) strategically placed over your fish eyes (but with holes cut out of the bottom to enable vision) will conceal any startling deformity. I'm unsure as to the magnitude of your problem - whether your fish eyes are of goldfish proportions or akin to Jaws - but you can get all sizes nowadays. Petit Filous will suffice if you're a bit beady about the eye region and I can recommend the Co-Ops own brand 1 litre pots of Greek Yoghurt for more startling visual features. However, personally I think you should be proud of your fishy appearance - and face it, you'd be a star at finding your way out of a shipwreck should you ever be in that position. Yours helpfully Elaine

In Melps absence, and being an avid reader of People's Friend, I feel I can (in some small capacity) aid your dilemma. Cramp has multiple causes and it is essential you isolate the cause before treating the symptoms. Excessive exercise can cause painful cramps, so you should lay off the pole dancing for a short period and see if this alleviates your distressing condition. Leg muscles being deprived of oxygen can also cause cramps, so it might be an idea to try sleeping with your leg dangling out of an open window. You may wear a thermal popsock if you feel that inclement weather could cause frostbite to your extremities. Lying too long in one position may also be the cause so perhaps you should train yourself to embark on a short aerobics routine every 39 minutes throughout the night. Try not to jiggle up and down too much if your pelvic floor is slack. If you try the above remedies to no avail, I'm convinced that amputation will cure you of all your worries. I believe Melp can do this for a moderate fee.

Dear Melps I am shocked to find that you thought my exclusive designer (Gaultier - Bob Gaultier, Aberdeen Market) wrinkled-look flesh coloured batwing sleeved top was in fact my skin. I'm most disappointed that an expert such as yourself can't recognise top fashions when they (literally) slap you in the face in an over-excited outburst of "House!!". May I candidly suggest that you start seriously studying the fashion pages in Woman's Weekly to keep up to date with such matters. You'll find them between the adverts for Damart underpants and Stena Stairlifts. Yours, respectfully, Elaine

Dear Aunty Melps, Contrary to what Kiwi says, fat on your arms is called bingo wings. I live in constant terror of developing said bingo wings and was wondering if you had any useful advice on how to prevent my upper arms from becoming flabby and flappy with the texture of a plucked chicken. Yours hopefully Elaine

Fanny or Flue mainly. Can't understand why this thread hasn't got many replies :lol: :lol: :lol: