Ruthi (borrowadog)

I have lost the battle to keep up with fings. I hope everyone is OK and for all that need or deserve them! I am applying for a job. I am not finding it easy to write the application. For two pins I'd give up, but I want the job (practice manager in a small gp surgery) and I need the money and the opportunity to move. Ruth

I have finally caught up! Wendy, it would be gross dereliction of duty to allow that hippo out into the world before it became a Labrador, [ and by then he'll have taken root, so thats OK ] Donna, was it you who had a golden hippo called Rosie? Alicia, if that is the way she treats her daughter, what is she doing to the dogs? I miss Tiger. Ruth Oooh! I just saw the yeah-right-foster move!

I have made jam. I Monty the Soft Coated Wheaten. I was supposed to be having him tonight because his brother (33 yo) human who is Monty sitting was going to a stag do. I rang him at 7.00 and he said 'I'm not going out after all. I'm just on my way to the takeaway. I'm sick as a dog.' So sick that he hasn't been in the house between 4.30 and 7.00? and can eat takeaway??? Poor Monty, I'll bet he hasn't had any walkies! I liked Jed the oldie - all misshapen from too little exercise, and confused because his people are moving to Spain and don't want to take him with them? Bruce (the bastard) is apparently now saying that my goons (Lisa-T and boyfriend Lloyd) beat him up on my moving out day. Strange how he only tells anyone two months later! I am so glad Tiger is safely out of the way, even though I miss him loads. Bathtime, I think.

Morning all, my new mumfs resolution is to keep up with RMF! Have a wonderful time, Little Squirrel. In two days the delightful Bruce (the bastard) will be 60. Shall I send him a card? Ruth

I do feel rather sorry for the psychiatrists. They have minimal armoury in comparison to the rest of the medical professions, and how exactly do you treat someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with their behaviour? And for whom there are no pills anyway? I also believe that being mentally ill does not necessarily absolve us of responsibility for our actions. We are none of us completely normal - that is why society has rules and penalties for breaking them. The question is, can we control our urges or not. If not then we need to be locked up for the safety of others - that is society will control our urges for us. If yes, then there are no excuses, and society (police, social workers etc etc) should not tolerate this kind of behaviour. I know I am beginning to sound like a fascist - but it does seem to me that our permissive focus on the freedom of the individual has begun to allow all sorts of freedoms to harm others. I am old enough to remember a world where minor transgressions led to rapid punishment from an early age. The trouble is that same world seems to have tolerated a great deal of domestic abuse (although I do think that relatives and neighbours probably looked after many women the way Sarah was cared for). So I don't know the answer. But if the human race were wiped out, I am not at all sure it would be a bad thing for the universe. Ruth

What I have realised since this happened to me is just how many people (mostly women) are affected. Its not just us Refugees. Where I work I probably have told a dozen people about my situation. Of those three, THREE have similar stories to tell. That means a third of us have been through the same thing (or worse!). What worries me most, in a way, is at that rate there is at least one other in my circle who is in the situation and hasn't yet found the courage to escape - after all, we can't all have history, some people must have this in their futures I think its because abusive partners are able to spread their joy around. One woman breaks away, make her life hell for a while, then start on another. Bloody Bruce has been through four that I know of. And since being controlling presumably makes him feel better, I'm sure there will be another one before he is finished. And that is before we consider what effect he has had on his children! What can we do to protect others? Ruth

I'm so glad this thread is still here. Somehow I lost it for a while. When I've been feeling low over the last six months or so (since I first read it and saw the light!) I have come back to it. I've found inspiration, affirmation and unconditional love from strangers and I thank you all. I know that I am lucky to have woken up, and found the strength to get out, so quickly. Its been hard, and in some ways it is much harder once you are out and fighting all the other battles as well. But I have come to realise that I (and all of us) have no choice. Its fight or die. If I give up a part of my soul then I have lost, so I have to fight him all the way, more or less regardless of the material costs. I have come to realise just how bad a state I was in with Bruce. My GP practically dances a jig every time I go to see her. She tells me that she could see that I was completely stuck, and nothing seemed to make any difference. I was on ever increasing doses of fairly hard core anti-depressants, but although they dulled the pain somewhat, they didn't cure me. In retrospect I was probably fairly near a full breakdown and might well have become suicidal. Given that I don't generally do things by halves, that is a pretty frightening thought. But I am out. I have retrieved my heart, my soul, my courage and my integrity. They are a bit battered, bruises and scratches of the sort that will not heal properly, but they still function and they are all mine. And you know what they say - scar tissue is stronger than the surrounding flesh or bone. Sam, Ash is the wonderful young woman she is because of you and Mark. We haven't met - yet - but I have admired your huge integrity and generosity of spirit via the boards for a long time. You have every right to be proud of her, but don't underestimate your input. By being the brave, and honest people you are, you have enabled her to choose the right path for herself. By having the courage to trust her to choose, you have given her the courage to do the right thing. Its 1.30 - I woke an hour ago in a sweat over some of Bloody Bruce's antics, and the death of an innocent pupply in Ireland - and I think I may be turning maudlin! But while I am I just want to salute all you brave survivors, and my fellow escapees who haven't quite yet freed themselves. It may be that we have to pay the price in pain and pounds for our growing strength. But the price is always worth paying, always. And to you who are reading this and haven't yet had the courage to break out I look forward to the day when you do. Ignore our horror stories - its hard but very uplifting to find that so many others have been there (a quarter of the women where I work have similar stories to tell). There is no point in beating yourself up (someone else will do that for you after all) just know that every one of the people with stories to tell will have gone through that stage too. We either denied that there was anything wrong, and/or didn't believe that we were good/strong/brave/worthy enough to be able to get out. You will, and when you do you'll find the fellowship of all the other escapees. Never in my life have I encountered as much kindness and care as I have in these few months. Ruth

Unless you have been through, or close to a controlling relationship I don't think you can understand what its like. I certainly didn't 7 years ago. And I even worked in a refuge for a while! I sympathised, but that didn't mean that I understood. I could observe the behaviour (the majority of women ended up back with their abuser) but I couldn't understand. In Bruce's case I'm pretty sure that it didn't start out as a deliberate plan. Rather, when we first met and fell in love he was getting what he needed - my undivided attention and indulgence. I wanted to please him so I did what he wanted - and he didn't need to 'control' to get the result. In time, as the relationship matured and he didn't quite get that attention (or I asked for my needs to be met sometimes) he had to work harder to re-establish control. Because he is charming and manipulative I didn't see it happening. I made excuses for him, or I believed him. So he influenced me into dropping friends, or they moved out of range without saying anything to me. And occasionally he'd lose his temper over something where he obviously knew I wasn't over confident. Gradually my confidence and self esteem dribbled away. The professionals didn't notice. I was put on stronger and stronger drugs to deal with my inexplicable depression and anxiety. I saw a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I was a 'case' and no-one questioned the fact that I had changed so dramatically and inexplicably. I suspect that a lot had to do with my age (I'm 55 now) and sex. Had I been male or not of an age when the menopause explains everything someone might have stopped to think. It took a lot before I could begin to understand 1) He went for me causing bruises and scratches - although playful dogs have caused worse, but with different intent! I made excuses to myself - he'd just given up smoking, and had an operation...... 2) A total stranger observed that he got into a pet when he wasn't centre of attention - and had the courage to comment on it to me 3) His daughter confirmed to me that he had indeed hit his ex wife (he claimed she lied about it!) and that he had hit the children too 4) Jules started this excellent topic! And I am sure that Bruce is a relatively mild case - so its been relatively easy for me to break out. Actually I think he has a personality disorder. Nothing is EVER his fault - its always someone else. A grown man of nearly 60, and he cannot take responsibility for his own mistakes at all. And whatever he does to satisfy his desires is always justifiable. I am pretty sure that is the definition of a psychopath!!! And I even contemplated for a moment leaving my dog in his care! I'm not totally cured yet! Ruth

There is no doubt that you have to be ready to read this sort of stuff. But once you are there is, as you say, no going back. And a good thing too. Its three months since I read this thread originally - and didn't have the courage to post. But in those three months although I have made some painful admissions, I have also got myself back. Its been worth the pain to get here - thank you Jules for setting me on the right road. Anyone who would like to bounce their thinking off a sympathetic, recently freed wall is welcome to pm me for a phone number or email address. to all who would like to join the Previously Bullied Club! Just step this way. Ruth (the born again confident one)

Helen, do what I did, buy yourself some smart clothes on Ebay! They go for a song, and if you stick to a brand like M&S you'll know that it'll fit. I got a fab trouser suit. I'm useless at links, but its item 5461286537. And a jacket, and some of my fave jeans.... Currently I'm watching my favourite brand of trainers! Ruth

Oh Jules! Be strong - he's just looking for ways to get to you. I find myself feeling remarkably little sympathy for him, even though he probably is very distressed. Lets hope they do find him and section him. Then you'll know he's out of the way for a while, and might even improve. Ruth (the coldhearted)

Raw Meaty Bones is a book about the prey model of raw feeding, by an australian vet. Prey model basically means that if you can't feed whole critters, you can at least feed a balance of meat, bone and offal to replicate it as closely as possible. The generally accepted proportion is 10% bone, 10% offal the rest muscle meat and fat (which includes heart). So you can feed something like chicken wings, but its much higher in bone than a whole chicken so it will need to be balanced out with other bone free stuff. All raw bones are safe, but weight bearing bones of large mammals(especially marrow bones in cattle) are hard enough to break teeth. Be prepared for grizzly crunching noises when she gets her gob around the stuff - you will get used to the noise! Its actually quite difficult to get truly meaty raw bones at a sensible price, other than poultry. I do sometimes pick up lamb's breast cheaply, but on the whole I give Tiger meaty and offally stuff, and the meaty ribs from Landywoods that have some traces of meat, but are basically tasty bones. Beware of feeding large quantities of liver in one sitting. Purdey will be happy, but the aroma of swamp will make your eyes water!!!!! Nowadays relatively few people believe in feeding veg - which makes life a lot easier. But some fish is good. Tiger just loves fish heads - either the ones I give him off our trout, or the ones the fishmonger gives me for free. Also if Purdey likes raw eggs (try her) they are very nutritious. Some people give the egg in its shell, some freeze in the shell - its all a matter of finding out what your dog likes. Remember that meaty meals have no cheap filler, so the amount you need to feed looks like very little. Feed 2-3% of your dog's bodyweight. In Purdey's case, because she is not super active, I'd start at the bottom end of the scale. Expect her to tell you she is starving at first - she'll be used to a bloated tum - but do not weaken! I also only feed once a day now, and that seems to work well. You know where I am if you want to chat about it - Tiger has been fed raw for nearly a year now, and is much healthier. Ruth