phoebejo

Daisy is 15 now and very able to help around the house but in the usual teenage ihateeveryone sullen way. She's out visiting a friend with a birthday gift at the moment but I can think of plenty of jobs for her to do later Molly is helping out at the local riding school this morning in exchange for a free lesson. I know I'll feel so much better later when they're all packed. There are clothes EVERYWHERE! I've just told Emily that if she shouts or growls at me one more time she'll be spending the week with the dogs in Weston Super Mare

Alex I'm so sorry to hear that I have a really crappy day ahead. After a particularly difficult few weeks, I'm off for an emergency appointment this morning with a psychiatrist before I go on holiday tomorrow. I've been on new medication since Monday, 75mg a day which next week is increased to 200mg per day. But it makes me feel really sick as it is! I've barely eaten anything all week so at least my diet will get the kick start it desperately needed! The dogs are off to Ians mums for their holidays tonight and his cousin is popping in to feed the cats & chickens. Lizzie is going for a hair cut this morning before her holiday by the sea. I've not packed anything, my ironing board broke two days ago so we're going for the crumpled look I have a million things to do today and can't be bothered with any of them. I just feel sick with worry.

I just commented to Mr Hazell it was a really nice shade of red. I do wish she'd gain a little weight though, she's far too thin. We went paint buying yesterday too. Dulux were 3 for 2 in Homebase plus another 15% off everything so we bought magnolia to re-paint the living room, Blossom White for our bedroom and Sumptuous Plum as a feature wall in the spare room with more Magnolia on the others. We had to get the man in there to mix up a 2.5 litre tin of the plum colour, the girls loved watching how it was done. Seeing as though the fair isn't on today, it's on tomorrow, I asked Emily & Georgia to look through the 200+ books in their room and make a pile of ones they don't want anymore. We want to replace one of their bookshelves with a chest of drawers. They're too busy dressing up as princesses

I have lots of bunting There are lots of special events on in town this weekend. There is also a funfair too. Daisy has gone there this evening with her friends. We're going to re-mortgage the house and take the other girls there on Sunday.

An interesting weekend here. After my HORRIBLE HORRIBLE assessment on Friday I could feel the anxiety rising in me. I knew I needed to speak to Mr Hazell about it but just wasn't feeling able to. However on our picnic I all of a sudden felt the need to get it all off my chest. I thought it'd be a good time too because I thought the girls would be off playing and we'd be sat on a bench but instead he played ball with them. It's not his fault, he didn't know I felt like talking then, but I felt fustrated because there were words on the top of my tongue that I couldn't say. So more anxiety. Then he cooked dinner and I still couldn't speak because of all the girls being around. Our living room is really long, sofas at one end of the room, huge dining table at the other end. Next to it is a monsterous piece of furniture that belonged to his dad, an ancient bureau. When we decorated in there and replaced all the old furniture his dad wouldn't let us get rid of it. It was a bone of contention, it looked so out of place, and I've always hated it with a passion. Well on Saturday as I sat down to eat my dinner I blew my top at the sight of it, had a massive panic attack, started ranting and raving and ran hyperventiliating from the room. I rarely ever go in there, I didn't when he was alive and still don't feel able to and one of the reasons is that bloody bureau being a constant reminder. So I frightened the living daylights out of the girls, they'd never seen me like that before, I keep my madness well hidden normally but at that moment I couldn't. There'd been little signs all day but Mr Hazell hadn't picked up on them, I should've taken Diazepam earlier in the day when I started to feel anxious and I don't know why I didn't. I've told him countless times he can calm me down within minutes just by putting his arms around me. He never does though, he prefers to ignore me or walk away. That makes me worse. So what did he do on Saturday? Threatened to have me sectioned. Thanks. That'll help me to stop hyperventilating. He did eventually fetch me some Diazepam when I could finally get two words out. Then Molly & Georgia cuddled me instead. It worked. I then tried hard to explain to them what's wrong with me. Yesterday he took the bureau to the tip The room looks so much better, so much brighter and I'm going to try even harder to use it. When I've been in labour with the girls I've always had to cling to him through a contraction or I'd totally lose it. We're all just animals at the end of the day. There's obviously something deep rooted in my brain which says I need him. I frighten him though and he doesn't realise how important his actions are to me. I'm not quite sure what to do about it. My doctor did suggest I bring him along to one of my appointments with her, he's not been since the first time he took me there in January. I didn't think that would help but now I think I'm changing my mind. I'm suuposed to see her once a fortnight, and should be seeing her this Thursday (the only day she works) but couldn't get an appointment until the 7th. I know that she has appointments that cannot be booked until the actual day early in the morning so I might try that Thursday morning. I worried that counsellor so much last week he was going to speak to the duty doctor and tell them to make a note that if I did phone and ask for an appointment that I was such an emergency case I had to be given one there and then! I'll see if that works on Thursday. Poor old Mr Hazell though, I'm really putting him through the wringer right now. Unbeknownst to me yesterday he visited his dads grave. I think he felt guilty about getting rid of the bureau. But his dad is dead, that bureau isn't going to change his life one bit but it certainly does mine and the fact that I'm still alive, just, makes me more important. Sorry to have bored everyone to death, it really helps to get it all out though. I told that counsellor chappie I was going to buy a journal and write in that. He just gave me the same blank stare he had throughout. I forget huge chunks of time and I'm sure that'll help me to remember.

Scorchio here too. Mr Hazell is planning a hair cut, then we're having a picnic in the park, he's cooking dinner and then it's EUROVISION Vote Jedward

I had my assessment for counselling this morning. It was horrible, having to tell a complete stranger stuff I've never ever spoken about. HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. Did I mention how horrible it was? I cried and snotted my way through the whole hour I was there. I don't do talking about stuff. Not sure how helpful it's going to be. I think I frightened the poor bloke! I have a large amount of chocolate to cheer me up, Emily is home from her 3 day long school trip and tomorrow it's Eurovision In other exciting news, my cats are getting a baby brother in five weeks time. He's grey, his mum is a British Blue Shorthair and he's totally scrummy. We're having fun discussing names for him Well, when I say we, I mean me and the girls. There's no need to alarm Mr Hazell yet

At 11.30am I was supposed to be having my assessment for counselling to find out which counselling & counsellor would suit me best. The thought of going over absoloutly everything with a complete stranger was massively freaking me out. Last night was unbearable and this morning I was just about to sit down a write a list so I didn't forget anything, harrowing enough in itself anyway, when they phoned to re-arrange my appointment to next Friday Fantastic. Another whole week of worrying about it alongside the three billion other things that fill my head with worry anyway. To make matters worse THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE AND NO BISCUITS IN THE HOUSE

Some days are better than others. Mr Hazell is a saint for putting up with me. I've been referred for counselling. Not looking forward to that at all.

I can't believe it's May already, where did April go?

I went to Homebase to buy some paint this morning and they had a fantastic offer on all of their garden plants, 1/3 off everything. I headed straight for what in our house is known as 'Paupers Row', the section in every shop where the reduced to clear stuff is I got a Camelia for £2, a lovely already planted up hanging basket for £4, Mollys much longed for Magnolia Susan for £10 and a Mock Orange for about £3. As soon as we left the shop I sent a message to our resident plant addict to let her know about the offer

I bought a Lavatera when I was at Hever Castle last year. It's not grown very much at all and just looks thoroughly miserable where it is in the back garden. It's very shady where it is so I think I'm going to have to move it elsewhere. Can anybody suggest a shrub that I can put in it's place? It's got a tree and a gigantic bamboo type plant over-shadowing that area and the soil is utter pants.

Emily got on really well at the hospital. She has a new consultant and he was lovely. Emily has to use eye drops at least five times a day! We're going back in July to see him again. I had a good appointment with my doctor this morning, back in two weeks as long as I'm ok in the meantime. Mr Hazell asked me if that meant I wasn't mad anymore I'm not this afternoon but I might be by tea time One day at a time.

Emily has a hospital appointment this morning. I'm leaving in 15 minutes and she's still in her pyjamas refusing to get dressed. I said I'll carry her out to the car in her pyjamas because there's no way I'm going without her Then taking Ella to the vets this afternoon with the two lumps I found on her over the weekend. Stress factor 9/10.

I know that feeling well I've been on a different antidepressant for three weeks now. I was doing really well on it, I saw my GP last Thursday morning and she was so pleased with me instead of seeing me once a fortnight she said not to come back for a month. For some unknown reason I started going downhill again from Thursday afternoon onwards. From Saturday evening I started with the panic attacks & hyperventilating again I've terrified Mr Hazell and the girls because I just have no control over it and I can't make it stop. I completely fell to pieces on Tuesday morning on the phone to Mr Hazell. I worried him so much he said he didn't trust me to be on my own in the house and that if I didn't go out with the dogs he'd come home to supervise me I have the bestest dogs in the world Despite taking my sleeping tablets last night at 11pm I woke up a billion times and have been up since 4am. My GP only works on Thursdays so I phoned as soon as the surgery opened only to be told she's on holiday I had to see someone I've never seen before, made an absolute pilchard of myself in front of her and came away with yet another medication to take, so I'm now on three in an attempt to keep me sane (SUEP) I've now got an appointment with my usual GP next Thursday. I think she ought to just shoot me.

Emily was a very good elephant and got a round of applause when she said her line which was a joke about a Kit Kat Mr Hazell and the girls are going to watch tomorrow nights performance while I'm at work.

I'm about to leave to see Emily perform as an elephant in the school production of Jungle Book

Oh my giddy aunt I did it My severe anxiety and general lunacy has prevented me from doing any gardening in the front garden for a number of years I can't spend any time out there because people might see me But aided by vast amounts of yummy prescription drugs I've just created an entire border along the bottom of the front garden, planted all bar the Hollyhock in it, and planted an Aquilegia & Bleeding Heart that I bought last year with the intention of planting but couldn't do it so they've been in their pots ever since. Poor things survived the winter and are growing again so I felt I owed it to them to be a better Mummy There's still a lot of weeding and pruning to be done out there but I'm giving myself a pat on the back for the small bit I have done. The chickens were delighted with four trugs full of grass & weeds to chomp through.

I'm off out to plant my bargains from Homebase yesterday. I love trawling through the reduced to clear section I got three poppies for 20p each, a 20p fuschia and a £1 Hollyhock to go with my other bargain basement Hollyhock. All need a bit of tlc but they'll be fine soon. Going to start in the front garden and prune some hebes.

I'm here but lurking

Daisy will be 15 in June

Had a lovely phonecall this morning which really cheered me up I am so lucky to know some of the nicest people in the entire world One of my very few real life friends, Tracy, is a photographer, specialising mainly in racehorses. It's Mollys 13th birthday in a few weeks so I decided to order some nice photos of her favourite horse, Kauto Star, from Tracys website. I knew there was one shot inparticular that Molly had loved recently. They're expensive, so I only ordered four 7x5 photos. Realising who the order was from, Tracy phoned me this morning to check to see if I'd already bought frames for these photos. When I said no she said that was excellent news because she was sending them in A4 size plus a few extras too Molly already has a couple of Tracys photos of a horse called Sporazene on her bedroom wall. Sadly Sporazene had to be put to sleep after suffering from cancer, Molly was heartbroken. Tracy is giving her extra Sporazene photos too. We often see Tracy at racecourses but she's always too busy working to chat for any length of time so it was lovely to have a long old natter with her I can't believe my Molly will be 13 soon!

I'm enjoying it still being light too, Emily is at the park and if she's at the park she's not here fighting with her sisters Daisy is in the bath, Molly is baking biscuits and Georgia is playing a game. It's never this peaceful.

Here is the puppy that I am not allowed to have. I should start a campaign.

For my birthday, I bought a garden shredder. Mr Hazell has had enormous fun with it this afternoon. My chickens are now enjoying scratching around in what it has produced. He's spent hours this past week chopping down dead trees and pruning things. I bet he'll be glad of the rest when he goes back to work tomorrow I'm not supposed to drive or operate heavy machinery when feeling woozy so he's popped to Sainsburys to buy yummy things for dinner too. He's a star