Elaine

Morning. I really really don't want to go to work, but I suspect I may be out of a job soon if I don't. I suppose I better go and dry my hair.

If you admire me, you're obviously softer in the head than I first thought. I'm a major f*ck up

Got an 'emergency' appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Nothing like paying someone to sit and watch you bawl for an hour. Today has majorly sucked. It's tempting to get plastered but I have to go to work tomorrow.

Monty has terrible wind. I'm going back to bed. The two aren't related.

I am going to keep myself busy today. The house is a tip, so there's plenty for me to do. Must find out where the gorilla is as well.

Morning. I woke stupidly early after having a dream that I'm going to be evicted from my house on 29th June. It was because I had left too many electrical appliances plugged in and (this is the good bit) because I was keeping a gorilla, which was against the terms of my lease I was asking people for help but no one would help me. It sucked. My huge anxiety knot in back and I'm dreading Ro going away with his Dad

Rohan and I are laughing at the men on Match.com I found one of my old uni lecturers on there - he was a nice bloke, but looked like his Mum still bought his clothes. I'm sworn off academics for life, so I'm not even going there

I'm dreading tomorrow already. My therapist is going to be calling me though, so hopefully that will knock some sanity back into me. I have never felt like this over someone in my life, so I do wonder if it's worth letting someone get that close again. I know I was no angel, and some of my behaviour (borne of fear, not of malice) was bonkers, but I was never intentionally cruel. Okay, I was when I told him he was an emotional retard with zero integrity but other than that....... I've got through worse, so I know that sooner or later I'll get over this. I'll stop banging on about it now.

I took more than the recommended dosage of Kalms Night-time tablets last night and managed 7 hours sleep. My eyes look terrible, all puffy and icky. Ro says I'm beautiful though, so what the hell. I'm pathetic - there's no way he can contact me by email, as he doesn't know my new email address. So why does my stomach lurch when I get an email I'm so angry with myself when I should be angry with him. Anyway, my therapist is texting me between flights back from Italy. She's so nice and at least she won't call me a pathetic cow.

Monty won't leave me alone. If I move, he's at my side. If I sit down, he's clambering onto my lap and pressing himself against me. He's upset that I'm upset

When I need her the most, my therapist is abroad. My friends are trotting out the "But who needs him? You're gorgeous, fun to be with, you'll find someone else no problem!" line. Funnily enough, it doesn't help.

I just feel stupid I believed him - I believed IN him - and I would never treat anyone the way he's treated me. So yes, my head knows I deserve better, but my heart is shattered I'm trying to explain to Ro that it's okay that I'm upset, that it's not him and that I need to cry to get rid of this hurt, but the kid's bewildered - yet I can't stop Someone just give a slap.

Short of changing my telephone number or moving house, I have blocked contact with a certain person. I deleted my email address, deleted his numbers. I have no intention of contacting him again. If he doesn't collect his things within a week, they're going to the charity shop. I feel sick, wobbly, right back to where I started

No, it's not work. I always keep my distance at work, especially in this place. This is someone who said all the right things, over an extended period, who suckered me and then treated me in the coldest way possible. Someone I loved, and someone I believed loved me. But it was all just an illusion, and it's time for me to face up to that. And it's time to stop making excuses for people who treat me like dirt. I'm working so hard to get myself in a better place, and I know I would never do to anyone what he did to me. Logical, smart side of me knows that it's him with the problem. It's just so hard to admit to yourself that you were so very, very wrong. So I feel stupid, humiliated and used. But I've survived worse, and I'll get over this in time. And maybe there's someone out there who'll love me for who I am.

Ro's Dad has just phoned. Ro's been sick in the night - perfect excuse for me not to go to work. And now I feel more awful, because he (Ro's Dad) was so upset that I was upset, and I'm too bloody ashamed to tell him why I feel like this. For all we were shyte as a couple, the temptation to ask if he'd have me back is huge - not because I love him, but because I feel so alone. And at least with him you know what you're getting. How pathetic am I to consider it?

I normally don't trust, that's the thing. But this time I decided to let down my guard, this time I believed the claim that I was right to trust. And now I feel so very stupid, like everything was just one big lie and I was too thick to realise it. I have no idea how I'm going to get through work today without dissolving into a sobbing heap.

Morning. I have had 2.5 hours sleep. I'm contemplating not going into work. I found out last night just how little I meant to someone and how very wrong I was to trust them the way I had done. I know it's not me, it's them - but it still hurts like hell.

Hello. I have been feeling very antisocial. I've worked out a few things that were bothering me though, so I'm feeling slightly less antisocial When I started at the place I'm working, I was on £10 an hour. I knew the admin staff were on a lower rate of £8 an hour. I presumed that my rate would be lowered when I moved to the admin department. I got my monthly payslip today and it hasn't been. They've paid the whole lot at my original rate. This makes a massive difference, so I'm awfully chuffed As they're so desperate for me to stay (and as I've already started on the sales admin job they want me to do), they probably wouldn't dare question it now. Monty has had no ill effects from the shoe and curry paste incident. In fact, he is being very puppylike and endearing (if you call hauling Indy round the house by her collar endearing).

I am going back to work. The office manager does my head in She has the loudest, most braying and annoying laugh ever. I sit sort of behind and to one side of her. So if she does it again, I'm going to throw my stapler at her head I've just had a sandwich that looked much much nicer than it tasted. Bleurgh. Just going to do a double check for stray shoes lying around before heading back to work. Don't wanna

Morning. I am going to work today, even though I'm still having bouts of extreme hotness (and not in any good way either). As I only worked 3 days last week, I can't afford another 3 day week. I guess I better go straighten my hair and iron something to wear

I am trying to explain to Monty and Indy (specially Monty) that whilst I love them very much, having them both pressed up against me whilst I'm having a feverish sweat on the sofa isn't particularly helpful. I keep having to get up and go and stand at the open back door (good job I don't have any neighbours that can see the back door - standing in my dressing gown with my hair all tangled and sweaty probably isn't an attractive look).

Having another massive bout of sweating. It's just so attractive The headache's gone, and I have my drowsy Benilyn, so hopefully I'll be okay to go to work tomorrow. If I'm still feverish and icky I'm going to be sensible and stay at home. I know it's not going to take much to knock me for six so everyone who said it was better to be off for a day or two now was right

The Sound Of Music is on. How jolly therapeutic - pull a sicky, lie on sofa, watch cheesy musical Feel vaguely less shyte than I did, so it's working

I have had a snooze, dosed myself up on all sorts of mediciney stuff I had lying around and have stopped being quite so sweaty. Going to have some tea and toast now. It was awful comfy on the sofa - Indy behind my legs, and Monty cuddled up against my front with his head tucked into the crook of my neck I thought Indy was cuddly until I got Monty - he has to be as close to you as he can possibly get

I think I shall retire to the sofa to watch Jeremy Kyle with the dogs. I'm wandering around in my underwear and the sweat's pouring off me (attractive, I know). I phoned work and the silly office manager said "Oh yes, I feel really horrible myself" with the unsaid "but I still came into work" left lingering in the air. Don't care. It's not like they pay me when I'm not there I'm hoping that the unsightly and uncomfortable sweating (and raging fever) are signs that the lurgy's reaching it's peak and it'll feck off soon. I may phone Ro's Dad to see if he'll get a couple of things from the chemist for me. I look too scary to go out myself