Elaine

Ro slept most of the afternoon - I had to wake him at 6. We loved Dr Who - lots of storylines set up for future episodes tho. Yesterday I wore a gorgeous pair of kitten heel mules. They've ripped my toes to shreds By mid-afternoon, I had a huge blister on the side of both little toes. Today, the skin has come off and it fecking hurts. And I wore another new pair of shoes - very sweet cream patent ballet pump things - to go and collect Ro, so now I have a blister on my heel. Need to go and find the plasters (and wear nothing but flip flops for the next 3 days)

Got a phone call earlier to collect Ro from cub camp as he was 'feeling ill'. Went to get him, he got as far as the car before he crumpled and said that he felt fine physically but that he had missed me too much and he just wanted his Mum He said he cried for three hours last night and just couldn't stand to stay there any longer. He obviously didn't sleep as he's now clapped out on the sofa I love the bones of that boy

It would have been okay - it was in a box, wrapped in a bin bag. But Ro's Dad is nipping round very shortly so I can wave Ro off to Cub Camp. Don't really think I want to have to explain why there's a bin-liner-wrapped box with my ex's name on it outside my front door I wouldn't want his stuff to get damaged anyway. He's not a sh*t. He's a damaged man - I think he's suffering more than me, so why make him suffer more? And no, I don't want him back. Really!

Sure you're strong enough, Wendy These knackered old dogs need someone like you to see out their days in pampered luxury with Ex didn't drop off the last of my things or collect his stuff. WTF? I might go into work on Sunday - I only have 4 days left to learn this bloody job and there are a few bits I'm unsure of. A man called me gorgeous today. Shame I couldn't say the same about him

FFS. I was late getting away for lunch as the girl training me for her job only works till 1.30pm and we had a lot to cover. Never mind, thought I, at least the ex will have been for his stuff and be long gone. His stuff is still sitting where I left it. He said Friday morning, it was Friday morning. It is now Friday afternoon. And because I didn't know I was going to end up on a late lunch, I told him that I would be out by now - if he turns up at all. I hope to feck I've gone if he does. I've only temporarily restored my email account so I could tell him Friday, and only left it open long enough to get confirmation. It's deleted again now. Feck it, if he wants to make alternative arrangements, he can pick up the phone. Rant over.

Monty had had a big squitty poo in the kitchen overnight. Bless him, he did try to get outside but he didn't seem to realise that merely pushing the door out to the back door open wouldn't wake me up. Anyway, unable to face cleaning it up before my first cup of tea, I covered it in newspaper with the intention of getting dressed before dealing with it. Guess who just slipped on the newspaper and, in an unladylike fashion, skidded across the kitchen floor and landed in a crumpled heap? Yup, me. My wrist hurts, my ankle hurts and my hip hurts. And there's a great big poo smear across the floor What a great start to the day Ex's things are packed up and ready to put outside when I go to work. I feel horribly detached from it all now. Bewildered and hurt, but strangely detached.

Ro and I were quite excited to see Reggae Reggae sauce in our local co-op. Sad, but true Ro's sports morning was predictably dull. My friends here are going on a 'family' camping trip at the weekend. When they found out what had happened with me, they tried to persuade me to go. It was very nice of them, and if I'd had Ro here, I would have jumped at the chance. As it is, I'd rather be alone than surrounded by happy couples and families. I'd feel like a spare part.

Morning. I'm not going into work until lunchtime as it's Ro's sports day (morning) today. No chance of it being rained off either - it's very sunny here. Then that'll be me on my own till Tuesday

I am going to bed. Thank you for hugs and stuff I'll be okay, I'm a tough old bitch underneath it all. This has just really shaken me, but I've got through worse and I'm still standing (okay, teetering slightly). I can't let this taint me. I'll trust again, I'll love again and yes, maybe I'll get hurt again but it's a chance I'm willing to take. I must be mad

I've told the ex that I'll leave his stuff outside my house on Friday and he can collect it when I'm at work

I'm not going to mess with his stuff because that's not who I am. I'm better than that. But on the other hand, I can't bear to drive to his house with it Perhaps I should just leave it outside for him to collect, but it just seems so very wrong I do wish I had some close by Fugees. The prospect of an entire weekend on my own (my friends here are all going away on a 'family camping trip') just makes me bawl

I still have his stuff. I've just left a message on his answering machine saying that I got the stuff but my key wasn't there. And I said he could pick his stuff up at the weekend. He won't, of course, because I'll be here (on my own from Thursday night to Tuesday, Ro's away to cub camp ). I just don't understand why he has to be so cold, so just 'nothing'. Did I mean that little? Oh feck, now I have to head back to work and pretend everything's fanfeckingtastic

The bloody worst thing is that the only thing I really wanted back was the key to my house, and it's not there I'm supposed to 'leave his things out for collection' or drop them at his house - sneaking about like some dog in the night, like I've done something to be ashamed of . So, that's it then? I wish I found it so easy to delete someone from my life

You know, I was feeling pretty darned good today. And I got home for lunch to find a box of my belongings from ex-bf sitting on my doorstep. How could he

The <ahem> vertically challenged man said he wouldn't sulk if I wore heels (not that I would need to), he would just take the yellow pages with him. Is there a yellow pages that thick? Unbelievable. I admit that I only put my details and that on in the hope that it would raise my self-esteem a little. I am chatting to one man who looks normal (quite cute actually) and who makes me smile, I'm not pretending I'm anything I'm not, so where's the harm. Although if all I can get is submissive boys barely out of short trousers and other oddities, it's hardly boosting my self esteem, is it?

I'm half laughing till my tummy hurts and half mortified that I may have offended him - but his mail was nice, not 'You cow' at all You so couldn't make this stuff up

O. M. G. I put on my profile that tall was good, but not so tall was okay as long as they didn't sulk if I wore heels. People said my profile was too long (it's bloody funny), so I did an abbreviated paragraph at the end. In it I said something about not being a midget. I sh*t you not - someone who has dwarfism has just emailed me saying how much he enjoyed my profile.

The old guys look at my profile but don't ever email. Oh, I lie - one did and attached a nice picture of himself in a vest top which beautifully showed off his moobs (man boobs for the uninitiated). He also had a parrot on his head. Funnily enough, I wasn't overcome with desire

Potential slave did have a photo, but I'm not mean enough to post it here (just mean enough to broadcast he wanted to be my slave though ). He was quite cute, in a 'aww, he's only 21, bless him' type of way. I'm getting old - my first thought was "Tsk, does your mother know you're propositioning older women like this?" And yet another email from a 24 year old. Jeez, are they desperate?

I am getting a fair few blokes in their twenties emailing me on POF Only one of them wants me to whack him about though. I haven't lied about my age, there's a recent pic up, so I don't get it. I don't want another bloody child

I'm going back to work. To tell all girls and laugh hysterically.

Had to share this little message that's just appeared in my inbox on plentyoffish..... For once, I think I'm speechless

And did you notice in the description it says this?

I am home from work, briefly before I go see my therapist. The admin manager lurves me coz I'm clever. I had to spend the entire afternoon with her showing me how to do stuff I already know how to do but had to pretend I didn't Glad, but not really, I'm not the only one in a weird state just now. It's sort of like suspended animation. It would be so easy for me just to take this bloody job on permanently, but that would be the easy option. I'm just going to go with it just now - it's handy, easy and decent money for something that's handy and easy I need a wee.

Morning at work was okay - in fact, it was probably what I needed, to get out the house and force myself to smile. I've been a bit silly though - someone phoned from one of the lodges to complain that the windows were dirty and there was a 'splodge', I got a fit of the giggles (because I wanted to ask if it was bird sh*t) and told him "I'll call Housekeeping and let them know your windows are manky", before quickly hanging up. Apparently the Admin Manager has told more than one member of staff that she wishes I'd applied for the Office Manager job. I'm kind of presuming that she hasn't told the Office Manager though I'm in a weird state of flux at the moment. Plans I'd mapped out in my head for the future are gone, and quite frankly, whilst the endless possibilities are vaguely exciting (new people, be who I want to be), I don't have a fecking clue what I want or where to start. I feel strangely detached from it all, and I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.