Melp

Dear Kiwi, stop being such a noob. Ask proper questions or don't ask anything at all is my advice [and I'm an expert don't forget] Melps bbc.hsbc.ba,dom,s&m Dear Elaine, I'm sorry to inform you that you already have bingo wings. I saw you in the flesh in Blackpool [in the Bingo hall as it happens] and your upper arms rivalled those of Big Daddy on a slack day. Perhaps you could take up darts? I understand the constant arm movement is very good for stiiffening saggy flesh. Melps, beauty advisor to the starz.

Dear Kiwi, you have been misinformed. Cellulite is a real affliction as Daunting my twin will testify. Cellulite has the appearance of orange peel and is usually found on the thighs of laydees. Men can also suffer from this complaint but I find a good scrub down with a wire brush helps enormously. Daunting, in the past my advice has been sought on many occasion and I am an expert so please read carefully. I assume you have ginormous thighs and keep them well hidden in polyester slacks? This is the best way to disguise your cellulite and in any case, thighs like yours are unlikely to attract admiring glances anyway so you have no need to worry about that dimply skin. Melps Dear Moonboo, have you thought of wearing big shoes at all? They are available through most good NHS prosthetic departments and come in some lovely colours, like brown and erm, brown. Not usually sold in pairs but in exceptional circumstances they can be provided. For the broken skin I suggest lard, applied 3 times a day to the affected areas. Please consult your doctor before using any oily substance on broken skin. Dr Melps

Dear Happylittlegreensquirrel, I'm sorry but no amount of cometic surgery can help you now. I would suggest moving the eyes slightly to the left and perhaps changing the colour of the hat. Green is not your colour I'm afraid. Other than that, you look fine, honest Melps who helps.

Dear Tippy posting sneakily under the user name of his Dad. There is a product we humans use [well the males of our species] called "Just for men". It claims to naturally cover grey in one application but you may find you look like Charles Bronson on bad toupee day. I would advise against using anything chemically based though and try rolling about in mud instead. Hope that helps? Melps Dear Kathy, of course there is something wrong with you. You have incontinence and a passion for turnips, but your hat fetish is completely normal and nothing to concern yourself with. I like Sam Elliot in hats and I'm normal! Yours Melps

Dear Jacqui D I'm afraid not. Don't fret though, you could always use your face to advertise the dangers of erm, well being born into the D family. Melps x

Dear Kiwi me old fruit. No and Yes. Aunty Melps x

just add questions

It's because Snow and Claz haven't seen it yet. Give it time.

The general area is known as Toot Flue Minge Fanny Lady Garden [nicked from someone on dp] and specific bits are Curtains Mother Theresa