My Beautiful Max Has Gone

[merledogs]

For anyone who doesn't read RMF, my beautiful, loving, special boy Max has gone to the bridge To me he was the most wonderful dog that ever walked the earth.

 

He's been ill for a few weeks on and off with occasional puking every day or two. When I took him to the vet last week she gave him antibiotics and laxatives but he just got worse. I took him back Tuesday morning and they kept him in to give him some fluids and run some tests. He ended up staying in for a couple of days and after an ultrasound was diagnosed with cancer in his stomach wall and liver. When they told me over the phone about the cancer I was told to take it a week at a time, but when I picked him up it was obvious it was going to be days (if that).

 

I took him home Wednesday evening but ended up going back to the vet to ask for more painkillers. The vet was horrible and pressed down for ages on Max's tummy. Max was screaming in pain and he didn't stop. What I can't get over is why I didn't tell the vet to stop and that will haunt me forever.

 

I don't understand how he could have gone downhill so rapidly in two days, to the point where he was in constant agony that I couldn't even touch him

 

I took him home with the intention of having one more night with him, just cuddling him even if he was doped up on painkillers, just so that his last hours would have been spent at home with me (he was such a mummy's boy). I stayed on the sofa with him but although he tried a couple of times to have cuddles it was obvious that it was causing him too much pain. He briefly slept but woke up in pain again so at midnight on Wednesday I took him back to the vets to put him out of his misery. When the needle went in he screamed in pain again

 

If he had gone peacefully it would have been easier to bear, but I will never forget his screams and I will never forgive myself for failing him when he needed me most

 

To say I am devastated would be an understatement. It is so painful that I can't even cuddle the other dogs. I always used to say to him that he was going to break my heart when he went but it's so much worse than I imagined.

 

At least now he is at peace and free from pain

 

Sleep tight my beautiful boy, I will always love you with all my heart.

 

Edited February 22, 2013 by merledogs

[Yantan]

N'night Max beautiful boy, sleep tight.

 

Alex please don't beat yourself up Max's last hours. I am sure he wouldn't think you 'd failed him in any way.

 

Hugs.

[Pendlewitch]

Rest in peace beautiful Max.

 

I know how much you are hurting but Max isn't, you gave him that freedom.

 

Hugs and thinking of you.

[kats n greys]

So very sorry Alex it's a horrible time and guilt even when it's obviously not deserved makes it harder for you.

 

Sleep tight beautiful Max

[Happylittlegreensquirrel]

Alex , I know you are feeling very raw right now and feeling guilty so I am going to say I don't think the needle going in caused Max any distress nor did he know what that was , it was ( in my opinion ) most likely the firm grip required by the assistant to keep him still and to raise the vein that caused him discomfort.

 

clearly being touched was at that time very hard for him ( both at home and at the vets ) and letting him go was 100 % the right thing to do and relieved that pain which was what he needed and what you did for him.

 

I think there is a romanticised concept that all animals that are euthanised slip quality away without a peep and for a lot of animals that is true but given that a lot of animals that are being euthanised are near the end of their life and already suffering its natural that some will still be in discomfort during the final moments. Its the letting them go thats the kindness , you are stopping the pain and suffering from that point as sometimes there is nothing left that can be done before that point

 

you made a difficult decision for your beloved Max and for that there can be no guilt

 

you need to take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself , time will help not that it feels like it today but it will help

 

Sam x

[collies r best]

I agree with all Sam has said.

 

I know you said you cant understand why he went downhill so quickly but it appears that what these tumours can do Hoppy my stable cat was only slightly off colour before he had to be pts. Nothing obvious just occasionally being sick and a bit quieter than normal bit nothing glaringly obvious in fact with a few little problems i thought he had dementia starting but he seemed to pick up and was back to normal. The night before he died he was purring away ate his tea etc but by morning was collapsed and in severe pain and that was it.The vets could feel a mass in his tummy and said very often theres no signs till the tumour just 'goes'. I couldnt believe that within less than 12hrs my boy had gone from normal to being pts , it gutted me.

 

Loads of love and hugs sent xx

[WelshG]

Aww hun you never failed him. You set him free. Guilt is natural and comes along with grief but please don't blame yourself. You were there for him, regardless of whether you could touch him or not. You never left him and was there for him until the end. Max would of known this. He would of thanked you no doubt for ending the suffering he was in. You done everything in your power to make him feel comfortable near the end.

 

R.I.P Max.

[greys mum]

Agree with all that Sam said.

 

No words just hugs, lots of them. I know what you are going through.

 

Run free at the bridge Max.

[Ian]

I'm so sorry to read that Max has been struggling and has now sadly left you for the bridge Alex.

 

For him this is a hopefully a new and healthier beginning http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html though for a time it may perhaps be hard for you to think of it in that way. A few things jumped out at me as I read your post

 

A feeling of sadness for you - I suspect that you trust your vet and that's why you didn't stop him. As hard as it may be to think of Max scream and it probably seemed longer than it was in reality I think you were probably right to do so - you both needed to know whether / how much pain he was in before you could know what you could / needed to do

 

It's never easy as you probably know yourself but what jumped at me even more was the sense of love - of you wanting to - and doing - the very best you could to make sure he was loved and knew it right until the end. However raw it is I am sure Max will have known that love, the same love he'd always loved and would now want you to think of him in happier times rather than with sadness

 

"Don't cry for me when I'm gone"
Three score years are given to man,
But ours is a much briefer span.
So, though I give you all my heart,
The time will come when we must part.
But all around, you will see
Creatures that speak to you of me;
A tired horse, a hunted thing,
A sparrow with a broken wing...
Pity and help, (I know you will),
And, somehow, I will be with you still.
I shall know, although I'm gone,
The love I gave you lingers on.

RIP Max

[murtle]

What a lovely write up Alex. I don't think guilt is abnormal as many of us can play the "what-if's" game so well. However, you did what was the right thing to do with everything you knew even though you knew it would break your heart. It is the hardest thing to have to do and witness and just the fact you were there with him shows how much you cared, loved him and wanted the best for him.

 

I do think if he hadn't screamed, you would doubt yourself that he was ready to go, so although a horrible sound to hear a way to help you know what was the right thing to do.

 

You are an amazingly strong person, but for now you really are allowed to grieve for your most wonderful treasured companion.

 

Huge hugs and lots of love for you.

 

xxx

[JulesB]

I'm so sorry you've lost your lovely boy in such shocking circumstances Alex. Sam has summed it up better than I ever could, and every word she says is true.

 

You didn't fail Max, far from it, you did right by him. Sleep tight Max, sweet dreams pet.

[zico's mum]

Run free handsome lad.Please don't agonise over his last few hours,he knew how much he was loved

[owl]

I think everyone else has said it all. We cannot always spare them from going through pain at the end of their lives, sometimes all we can do is get them out of it as fast as possible.

[gooster]

Run free Max

[smirnoff]

I'm so sorry, Alex. Cancer is a cruel and horrible disease and it strikes with no reason and no warning.

 

You gave your Max a wonderful life.

 

Run free, Max. Have fun in the summerlands.