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Bereavement


riley

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Some of you will know, my mama died recently,29th September to be exact after an incredibly short battle with an incredibly viscious cancer. Typically of my mother she was incredibly punctual and after been given 2 months to live on diagnosis (29th July) she took it to the letter. Time keeping was a sign of good upbringing (please forgive the gallows humour if it offends but it's one of the things that gets me through).

 

Mama lived with us, had done for 5years but even before that I saw her pretty much every day, she hated to be alone and even when happily married to my step dad (I hate to call him that, he was *the* dad I knew. She died here at home, as she wanted but for the first few weeks it was like putting your hand in a bucket of ice, it feels strange and cold but it doesnt start to hurt properly for a little while. And now it really does. I don't have good days and bad days, I have bad hours and good hours. It's so horrid and here I am wittering at you guys but I guess you've helped with most ther stuff so you can have a go at this one too if you will ;)

 

I keep wanting to phone her and tell her something funny that's happened or ask her advice over something that's getting me down and I forget momentarily that I can't and it all comes back.

 

People have diesd befre and I@ve alays just got on with it as it were but this has really wiped me. And I'm a little lost.

 

Thanks in advance :huh:

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I keep wanting to phone her and tell her something funny that's happened or ask her advice over something that's getting me down and I forget momentarily that I can't and it all comes back.

 

People have diesd befre and I@ve alays just got on with it as it were but this has really wiped me. And I'm a little lost.

 

Thanks in advance :huh:

 

There's something unique about losing your mother - you've become an orphan, no matter what age you are, and it feels horrible. No-one else will ever feel the same way about you, no-one else will ever think of you as her baby. :GroupHug:

 

I didn't get on with my mother - I found her distant and harsh and she criticised me all my life...but still, when she died, in my arms at my home, I was bereft - drugs had softened her in her latter months and I caught a glimpse of the mother she might have been. It broke my heart, but I did my best to make those days matter.

 

You've had a Mama who cherished you all her days - why wouldn't you feel absolutely shattered? :GroupHug: I think the busy-ness around the funeral time keeps you going...it's the weeks after, when the horrible reality hits home.

 

When my mother finally died, I had a few days where I felt weirdly up-beat - almost relieved - and then...well, I rather lost the plot. I made a mess of my life for a year or so and it took me some time to get things back on track. And I was 52!!

 

Be kind to yourself - don't let people tell you that it's time you were over it - in one sense you will never get over it. Gradually, you'll absorb the essence of your mother - her love and all the things she meant to you - and you'll hold her in your heart. :GroupHug:

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:GroupHug: I'm really sorry about your mum. There's not a right or wrong way to grieve, everyone gets through it in their own way. But if you feel like talking to your mum then why not, I still talk to a very dear and much loved friend who died 20 years ago as I've not yet found anyone who understands me like he did :GroupHug:
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What you are feeling sounds very normal. It has not been very long.

 

Let yourself grieve for as long as it takes.

 

After my sister's husband was killed in an accident she said that she often found herself thinking 'I must tell Jim.' Then she would remember.

 

She actually sent herself a bouquet of flowers on what would have been their wedding anniversary and was so thrilled with it she found herself thinking 'I must show Jim this.'

 

 

:GroupHug:

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Riley, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mama.

 

My Mum died last year after suffering from dementia for 14 years. She was also harsh and critical and I never felt that I was the daughter she wanted or that she liked me very much at all. However, her death shook me to the core and I was shocked at how difficult I found it to cope with my grief.

 

All I can say is "go with it" you'll feel how you feel, don't fight it. Nothing is wrong about how you feel and if you want to talk to her then do so, if you want to shout and rage at her do that too or if you want to tell her how much you loved her that's also ok.

 

Writing how you feel can be very helpful. You could write letters to her if that helps.

 

Come on here too. There are wonderful and supportive people here who will listen and help you.

 

Have some :GroupHug: :GroupHug: :GroupHug: and I hope you find some peace soon.

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Have you thought about writing to her? Natascha McElhone is one of my favourite actresses. When her husband died suddenly she wrote letters to him. She wrote about what she was doing, how the kids were etc etc and asked him questions. I believe it helped her enormously. Nobody knows where we go when we die so there's no reason to think he couldn't see what was in the letters. Natascha put the letters into a book that I read earlier on this year. I can send it to you if you want it.

 

Linky to the book.

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I was very lucky as I had a wonderful childhood, raised by amazing, loving, caring parents. My mum fell down the stairs when she was 61 and suffered horrendous brain damage. She nearly died, but to cut a long story short she spent months in hospital and then a nursing home before she got pneumonia and died aged 63. My dad died of a massive heart attack, probably brought on my the stress of mum's accident, 1 year earlier. Mum died in Jan 2001 and I think of her every day and I miss her so, so much. I have learnt to adjust to life without them, but life will never be quite the same again.

 

Grieve for as long as you need to, there is no 'set time'. I think how you are feeling is very natural and understandable. I can remember feeling like you do. It is wretched and it feels as if everyone else is okay when inside you feel desperate. Take care and, a cliche I know, but take it a day at a time, go with your feelings. Treasure and remember your mum, she helped to make you the person you are. When my dad died someone said to me, you are lucky that you had such a wonderful dad as she had no relationship with her father, I then felt blessed. :GroupHug: :GroupHug:

Edited by Brenda
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I'm so sorry about your mum...if you want to talk to her and tell her things, then do, out loud! who is to say she can't hear you? I lost my mother many years ago when I was 38 and she was 64, and separated from my husband very shortly after she died. As a couple of others have said, we weren't close as she was always critical of me when I was growing up and at first after she died I hardly cried at all, then much to my now OH's distress and shock I spent most of the first Christmas after she died sobbing and saying I wanted my mum. No two people feel grief or handle it the same way so really none of us can help you in that respect, but you have many years of happy memories to draw support from, and I'm sure in quiet moments you'll feel your mother close to you still. :GroupHug:

 

Something I just remembered..my mum always used Yardley's April Violets soap and talc, and for months and months after she died, I'd suddenly get a really strong waft of it and I didn't have any in the house as I didn't personally like it. :flowers:

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:GroupHug: :GroupHug: :GroupHug:

 

I have lost my hubby, mum and dad as well as quite a few dogs, I don't know which was the worst because I grieved differently for everyone. Grieving is personal as well as being public, everyone knows you are doing this but not how you are coping.

 

I found that Rescue Remedy and Star of Bethlehem got me through my husband and my dogs, for mum and dad I didn't know about them. Star of Bethlehem is in Rescue Remedy and is for grieving.

 

I chatter away to my mum, dad and hubby as well as all my past dogs, when you talk to others they do the same but don't admit it.

 

I take the view that is just their body that has gone, they are still with me in spirit and as they were all a big influence in my life, they are part of me as I am now.

 

You are grieving, it will take some time before you can move on but you will be able to. The grieving process is healing eventually, it is how we learn to cope, if we don't grieve we don't move on, moving on doesn't mean we don't have them, in fact, they are still with us especially when I am chatting to them.

 

If I was close enough I would give you a big hug, there is nothing better for helping you through this than hugs, I am having to send you a cyber hug instead, BigHugs.gif

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I'm so sorry to read of your loss of your Mum. My own is still with us though I did sadly lose my Dad two years ago this month.

 

I don't think you need to apologise for the "gallows humour", this is your loss, your Mum, thread and appeal for help. Nobody else has to read it if they do feel offended & personally whilst unfortunately I think it will inevitably take time whatever you do in the meantime I'd say whatever it takes for you to get through the day(s).

 

Perhaps some favourite photos, songs, places or hobbies you shared might be of comfort to you as a way of remembering her?

 

You may also like to have a read of Cruse's website. http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

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Sending you lots of good thoughts :GroupHug: .

 

As Ian said, take a look at Cruse website. They can be very helpful, and they do accept that everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. A counsellor there was very supportive to me when I was rejected by some of my friends (now ex-friends) because I was not in their view suitably distraught at late OH's release from a long painful illness.

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I'm so sorry :GroupHug: You can go through all sorts of emotions when grieving, including anger. It's very early days and it's one hell of a shock to the system. It can take a while for it to sink in properly and you can find yourself thinking of them seemingly all day every day. That will pass in time and it will become easier. Grieving is a healing process so when you feel upset let yourself cry. It's a terrible time for you but I promise you will feel better at some point and be able to get on with the normal day to day stuff as before. Your mum will always be in your heart and isn't so far away. Just you can't see her. I speak to those that have gone too and some have made me know for certain they're still very much around. Not all do however. Come and talk to us and get things off your chest as much as you want. :GroupHug:

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I lost my Father when I was 21 to a very quick illness. It was my first real experience of loss and it very much devastated me. I kept very quite and felt that when I spoke to people about my Dad I was "going on about him" and that I should just get on with it, though no one ever said such things to me. I'm not religious or believe in an afterlife so when people said things along those lines to comfort me I personally found it unhelpful because I couldn't make sense of them and ended up feeling cold and not normal. All I wanted was my Dad because he was and is my hero and no one could ever compare to him. I retreated into myself and never dealt with it and though it sounds silly part of me died inside and Ive never recovered.

 

I wish I had somewhere like this where I could have come and talked about him and shared who he was and my loss with the world, just to get the grief out of me. Sometimes I think talking about those we've lost even if it's the same memory of them over and over again helps. Ill talk about my Dad now to everyone and I tell to his really bad jokes to people because it makes me smile. I still just want my Dad and I don't the emptiness ever goes away but my Dad still helps me out because when something goes wrong or I mess up the things he used to say pop into my head. I say just do and say whatever feels right for you because you're the one who has to get through :GroupHug:

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:GroupHug: So sorry about your mum. I have no advice to give,some great advice has been given by others,but I agree that you have to give yourself time. You won't ever get over it but time will help you to cope.I think the advice given to talk out loud to your mum is great,who does say that she can't hear you and be pleased to hear from you. Have another :GroupHug: and please go easy on yourself x
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